Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo

Today is another crawl into a small space and die. I have become obsessed with fucking Robert Patterson. What the hell is wrong with my brain, why do I become obsessed with famous people? I have no chance in hell of ever meeting much less having sex with him, or Kurt Cobain. Kurt is DEAD. Long DEAD!

I need to get out of this house, get out from under my parents thumb. I have to pay them back for the lawyers, and after that I've made up my mind that I'm going to Seattle. I'm giving up on everything, and going back on H. Thats what i want out of my life. I'm not going anywhere in life anyway.

Don't worry I'll still blog until I pawn it off for another shot of heaven. No one on earth is going to want to be with a 30 year old Heroin addict who lives off SSI, and state SSI wich is like 85 dollars a month. Then there is the food stamps. Wow, am I fucking special. So fucking special, I wish I were special. I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, I don't belong here. Sorry Radiohead, but you put it so perfectly.

I guess the reason I'm obsessed with famous people, is because I see them in movie rolls and wish I had someone in real life to love, fuck, hate, ect... I need to get a life.


Barbara said...

Hey, I've been in love with Jim Morrison since I was a kid, and he was dead then and as far as I know he still is.

I am very depressed today and its one of those days where I am only sticking around because it would hurt my son if I left.

I am very depressed.

AnnaGrace said...

Its nice to know someone else is in love with an unatainable famous man. I still feel like a complete asshole though, because in my head I think I can really make him fall in love with me. Robert Patterson not Kurt. Kurts dead, as I must remind myself everyday.

I'm depressed too. I wish I had words of insperation for you, but all I can say will make you feel like shit. ie: if you killed yourself, your son would probably go on a binge and end up overdoseing, and having no one to care about him at his funeral as you would at yours.
when people say shit like that to me it makes me want to kill myself even more.

BTW, I got the photo of your son, I really liked his tatoo. It expresses alot without a word.Plus he's very attractive.

Just hang in there. paint, write, get a puppy. Puppy's and children keep people from offing themselves.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

i need a life too but i hang in there anyway. your parents love you. i wish i still had mine. something will turn around now that you're off the shit. if methadone doesn't help, something else might. look around at other alternatives to fight this thing.

Gledwood said...

I think you were about the same age when Kurt died as I was when John Lenon got shot

Gledwood said...

apparently afterwards Courtney put up these long rants about him on the dial-up internet of the day, which was so slow you basically didn't want to look at websites with pictures, they took forever to load... she also had long online chats with fans, everything

where all this stuff is now, I've no idea. Surely someone somewhere took a print-out. It would probably make a fantastic book, if only they could scrape it together and publish...

btw I read one of the books about Curt Kobain and it made out Courtney to be a real controlling bitch. Separating him from his credit cards to ensure he came home to HER, not the Dealer. When she went out and used just as much as she pleased.

Also his life put paid to the myth of the Rock Star's Dealer. Surely there are and have been such characters, but by and large the rich and famous score off the same peole who serve the rest of us.

Curt used to go to the local caravan site to score ~ and a lot of it was yukky Mexican tar. How glamorous is that!

Grunge by name, grunge by nature, I spose....

By the way Anna can I ask you something about the gear you get/got is it always white? As in China white... Or did you end up using that tar stuff? That sounds nasty nasty to me. I would never go near tar in a million years if I had any option in the matter. Do you ever get brown powder heroin? Or grey powder? If so do you know where it comes from? Did you ever get Afghan gear? Normally that would be beige and you would need lemon juice to break it down, then the hit looks dark brown (though it can be pale). I heard American gear comes mostly from Columbia or Mexico... Ours is all from Asia. Afghanistan or Pakistan. In years past: also Iran and Turkey. Sometimes we get Burmese gear but that is pretty rare, the last lot I had looked just like crack, I thought I'd been ripped off. But it smelt slightly of vinegar. I boiled it down in a spoon, it left behind what looked like tap-water with the vaguest hint of yellow. When I banged it up I found myself staggering in the middle of the room for an hour, not knowing where I was or what day it was, hanging on the side of the sink... (Strong gear!)