Friday, March 5, 2010

I'm watching Jesus's Son right now. Its about two Heroin addicts. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for saying this, but I have to tell the truth. I can't lie to myself anylonger. I hate myself for writing this, I want to use Heroin for the rest of my life, unintruded, just me Heroin, and a guy who shares the same intrests, and goals as I do. If I could just get my book published I'd be set. I could go off to Washington, get lost in Capitol Hill in Seattle and be just a no-one. Just another junky who dies early from HIV, or some other disease that afflicts the needle users.

Fuck all you who say stay off drugs, its my life. I'm going to hell anyway. If I could just get to Chicago. To a big city where Heroin is avaliable. The shitty thing is my father is my payee. The SSI checks are made out to me and my dad. They go into an account where only my dad can take out the money. If I move I'd have to find someone I trust to be my payee. I can't trust another junky. Thats for sure. If I was someone's payee and still on junk I'd probably use a little bit of it to get high, intending on paying that person back, but it would get worse and worse. Suddenly their whole check would have gone to my drug habbit.

Someone out there please rescue me. Some attractive 30 year old poet/writer, who just wants to get out of the situation they are in and travel. Someone who has money perferably, or at least SSI comming in. I know there are alot of pill heads out there who want to make the transition to H because its cheaper, someone who could love me. We could bond over drugs, and books. We could just be ourselves.

My dog has taken to my mom, and won't even lay by me anymore. I wish my parents would let go of me. They have this hold on me. This hold I cannot explain. I don't want to hurt them anymore, but if I were to tell them what I want out of life they would balk and cry, and scream, and chain me to the house.

I'm sure there will come a day where getting high would get old. I would probably be too old to turn my life around.

What would my life be like if I had never tried drugs? What kind of person would I be? I'll never know. I can't even speculate.

I'm crying, I just want to forget everything, everyone, I want to be selfish. I want to please my parents and family, but I want to please myself too. There is no way I can do it. I just want out. I can either break my parents heart by getting strung out again, or by offing myself. I don't want to do anything else. I'm finished. I hate myself and want to die. I really do.

I'm so sorry, so sorry that people will be sad, but people get over loss. I'll be forgoten in 20 years. All those who truly love me will have forgotten all about me. My mom, my dad, my aunt.
I can't stand people. They just push that rock up that hill everyday, and are fine with it. I'm not fine with it. I want to disolve into a million little peices. There is a price to made for dreaming.


Midnitefyrfly said...

I don't know what to say. I remember thinking it would be fine if I could just be an addict the rest of my life. I also remember the day that my mom committed suicide like it was yesterday. Ultimately it IS your life. You don't stay here every day for your parents or your dog. You need to own YOUR feelings and your own life.

Every moment is a chance to do the next right thing. Life hurts, but if you take it a moment at a time there is hope for future happiness. I don't believe in God. No one saved me.

I did it for me. This worst moment right now, even if it means using to stay alive, is a moment that has hope. Hope that the next moment can be happier and better. Try being the person you hope to fall in love with.

The only thing that helped me through those helpless moments was telling myself I could always kill myself later and it just MIGHT get better in the mean time. If I kill myself then I will never know. So get through it a moment at a time.

Quit living by everyone else's expectations of you and DEFINE your life. It is after all YOUR LIFE. Happiness is waiting for you.

Come on in- the water's fine.


Anonymous Mom said...

Midnite's comment kind of says more than I ever could. She's pretty awesome and so are you, even if you don't realize it at this moment.

I just hope you write your book. Do it.

sKILLz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sKILLz said...

WOW! Some post! Starts out with you reading a book and how you feel about that to Kobain, and his life.
How things were going for him and his family and then next thing you know your speaking on your life and how you feel how shitty it is.

I know your un-happy right now but remember it's a feeling "this too shall pass".
You also NEED TO KNOW you do have people out there that care about you.
You have your family. You TONS of people on-line who never even met you face.

Also don't think that your never going to meet your soul mate because it can happen anytime, anywhere.
I met my soul mate, Gypsy, on the train and here we are 7 years later and we could not picture our lives without each other.
So GET that out of your head.
Also remember you got my email if you want to talk so don't be a stranger ya digg?!?!
Stay Up!