I'm watching Jesus's Son right now. Its about two Heroin addicts. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for saying this, but I have to tell the truth. I can't lie to myself anylonger. I hate myself for writing this, I want to use Heroin for the rest of my life, unintruded, just me Heroin, and a guy who shares the same intrests, and goals as I do. If I could just get my book published I'd be set. I could go off to Washington, get lost in Capitol Hill in Seattle and be just a no-one. Just another junky who dies early from HIV, or some other disease that afflicts the needle users.
Fuck all you who say stay off drugs, its my life. I'm going to hell anyway. If I could just get to Chicago. To a big city where Heroin is avaliable. The shitty thing is my father is my payee. The SSI checks are made out to me and my dad. They go into an account where only my dad can take out the money. If I move I'd have to find someone I trust to be my payee. I can't trust another junky. Thats for sure. If I was someone's payee and still on junk I'd probably use a little bit of it to get high, intending on paying that person back, but it would get worse and worse. Suddenly their whole check would have gone to my drug habbit.
Someone out there please rescue me. Some attractive 30 year old poet/writer, who just wants to get out of the situation they are in and travel. Someone who has money perferably, or at least SSI comming in. I know there are alot of pill heads out there who want to make the transition to H because its cheaper, someone who could love me. We could bond over drugs, and books. We could just be ourselves.
My dog has taken to my mom, and won't even lay by me anymore. I wish my parents would let go of me. They have this hold on me. This hold I cannot explain. I don't want to hurt them anymore, but if I were to tell them what I want out of life they would balk and cry, and scream, and chain me to the house.
I'm sure there will come a day where getting high would get old. I would probably be too old to turn my life around.
What would my life be like if I had never tried drugs? What kind of person would I be? I'll never know. I can't even speculate.
I'm crying, I just want to forget everything, everyone, I want to be selfish. I want to please my parents and family, but I want to please myself too. There is no way I can do it. I just want out. I can either break my parents heart by getting strung out again, or by offing myself. I don't want to do anything else. I'm finished. I hate myself and want to die. I really do.
I'm so sorry, so sorry that people will be sad, but people get over loss. I'll be forgoten in 20 years. All those who truly love me will have forgotten all about me. My mom, my dad, my aunt.
I can't stand people. They just push that rock up that hill everyday, and are fine with it. I'm not fine with it. I want to disolve into a million little peices. There is a price to made for dreaming.