Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Instant Gratifaction

Instant gratification is my problem. I want to move now, I want to be skinny now, I want to win the lottery now, I want to find my sould mate NOW, I WANT EVERYTHING NOW! Mainly I want to use Heroin now, so I can forget about everything I want now, and just be in the moment of the high.

What if tomorrow I bought a bus ticket to Washington, just told my parents I'm leaving they can send me my stuff in the mail when I get a place to stay? Or they can just keep it if I don't find a place to stay. I just afraid to do it by myself, and I don't know anyone who wants to just pick up and leave at a moments notice.

I know someone who lives in Seattle, my best friend from 3rd grade to 8th grade sister. Amanda, and her husband along with there one year old child. I don't want to intrude on their family with my unhealthy lifestyle. I'm scared to look on Graig's list to find a travel mate, who knows if I'll end up like that girl who was killed by some guy she met on Graig's list. If it was a girl maybe.

Facts are, I just don't want to break my parents heart. I only 675 dollars a month +85 dollars from state a month. I would have to set up with a diffrent health insurance program, and food stamps. Plus my dad is my payee, and he can dole out my money as he see's fit. As of now all my checks are going to him to pay him back. Fuck I hate having to pay back my parents. They never made me do it before, but now that I have some sort of reliable income they take all of it.

Oh yes, and tomorrow I have drive an hour and a half to get two teeth extracted from the back of the left side of mouth. The last two teeth. I've been taking my Clonazepam too much. I took ten in one hand full the other day, and today I took six. At this rate I'm going to run out even faster than I did last month. I'm going to have to go four or five days without any. Who knows if I'll go thru withdrawls again. Why? Why do I do this to myself. I withdrawl from Xanax and Valium when I first got back from hawaii, and I withdrew from the Methadone while in jail. Instead of even trying out sobirety I just go straight back to the clinic, and get a script for Colnazepam. WTF is wrong with me?

I just can't deal. I have no copeing skills. I sleep my days away, trying to hide it from my parents that I sleep from 11am to 5pm and go back to bed at 9pm and sleep all night. I made a promise to my parents that if they quit smoking on March 26th (my sister Angie's birthday)and stay off until April 26th my dad's birthday that I will quit the Methadone. My parents have tried quiting many of times, but they never had such high stakes as me getting of Methadone if they make it. If they go back to it then I go back to it. A deal is a deal. It just sucks that now I'm getting the Methadone for free, and all my perscriptions for free, and now my parents want me off of it.

Fuck it I'm going on Craig's list to find someone who wants to travel to Seattle with me, and find a place to stay. Nothing nice. Just a place to sleep. Elenaor has become my mom's dog since I went to jail, so I don't have the thought of losing her to keep from going.
Wow I talk such big talk, but do I really have the guts? What do you think?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

eleanor is not her dog, she just borrowed her. play with her, take her out and exercise at the park. you'll feel better.