Monday, March 8, 2010

rant and raving

What can I say? Nothing much has changed aside from my hair color. I've also been flat ironing it, so its straight.

I am hell bent on losing weight, with weight watchers. I hope they have alot of sweets on their menu, because thats all I like to eat while on the Methadone. I have a spot on feeling that my depression is due to my body image, and the fact that I don't leave the house for any other reason than to go to the Methadone clinic. Sometimes I run to the grocery store for my parents. I sleep all the time, and take too many of my clonazepam's. Why? I don't know, it dosn't get me high, it just puts me to sleep, but thats all I want to do. I have a life in my dreams. In reality I have my parents, once and a while my dogs attention, and the trailor that all four of us are living in.

I signed up on the website to find a date. Pathetic. The only people who send me emails are 50+ and all they want is sex. Imagine that a man just wanting sex. I guess there isn't anyone on the dating website that wants to run away with me and use Heroin. Someone who dosen't want to run with the herd of sheep American's have become. With jobs they hate just to make money to pay their bill, and give their children a better life than they had.

Everyone in American wants to become famous, almost everyone at least, and since only what...3% of the population becomes famous actors, singers, writers, directors, so on and so forth. I'm one of them, I want to be a famous writer, but I know the odds. I'll end up self publishing, and the book will sell 80 copies total. Most of our dreams will be dashed. Sexy girls who want to be famous in the movies will end up in porn, and stripping. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm pretty sure its not the dream they had on their way to Hollywood. I can't speak for all, there are some who want to be sex workers, and there is nothing wrong with that. Whatever floats your boat. Even the people who want to be in porns arn't likely to become Jenna Jameson.
I would do a prono if I had the body, but I'd do only girls, unless Robert Patterson was the man in the prono with me.

Then again, if you work hard, have single minded want. It is true if you work hard enough dreams can come true. That's why I write so much. Practice, I read and re read my book, just trying to get it perfect. I am single minded in my pursuet of writing a book. I'd like to act, and who knows if I have a talent for it. I've never acted. I tried out for a play, and tried to impress the director by having memorized the script before tryouts, and when it was my turn to read, my knees started shaking, and the lines just flew out of my head like humming birds.

I'm good at doing two things, naming types of cars just by looking at them, and naming actors, and actresses who are in what movies. Not old movies though, but I have been getting into old movies. Thanks to my dad who is constatly watching Turner Classic Movies"TCM".

When I was a little girl I would dream of having long straight blonde hair, with a perfectly oval face with big blue eyes, and a beautiful body that men and women desired. I wanted to be in the movie Home Alone with Mcully Kulkin. I think that was my first famous person crush. In bed at night I pray that my cruly mousey brown hair would turn light blonde, and my face would look like Kim Bassinger's, and have her body. Or like Rodger Rabbit's wife. Although she had red hair, her body was what I coveted.

Is anyone perfectly happy with who they are? Before children do we all have goals that are lofty, but realisitc to us because we want it so bad. Suddenly a baby comes along and your no longer the center of the universe. You child is, and now you want for your child what you wanted for yourself, for their wildest dreams to come true.

I'm a total pessimistic person. I need to turn my outlook on things. I need to get off my ass, and stop complaining. Pay my parents together, finish the book, and save up all the money after I've paid my dad back in July 2010. If I wait for 2012 the world could come to an end, and I will be pissed off, because I just started to let in some hope for myself, and suddenlly its taken away.
They is my pessimistic side comming out again. Damn it Anna change the way you think. Think positive. Get up off my fat ass, pain my fat self potrait. As anonymous wrote. Thanks anonymous you really know how to hurt a person. Kicking someone while they are down is not something to be proud of. Asshole.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm not kicking anyone, if my comment 'hurt' you, maybe because it's true! So why DON'T you stop complaining and DO something?? Ya wanna know the answer?? Because YOU don't WANT to. Simple as that.