Lastnight I did think about suicide, but talked myself off the ledge. If I'm going to do it I have to use my own Methadone. I cannot take my fathers Oxycodone's. So those of you worried about my killing myself withing the next few days don't worry. I have a few weeks if not a couple of months to save up my take homes.
While I'm waiting on killing myself, I'm going to make plans to go on with life. I'm going to apply on line to Hawaii Pacific University, in Honolulu. I've been told that SSI would pay for my schooling, but I'm not positive of this. I have not seen any offical papers saying the goverment would pay for my education. I would be a returing adult student. Perhaps school will lift my spirits, and let me do my art, let me learn, give me a reason to go on.
I'm also writing my living Grandmother, and asking her to borrow 7,000 dollars to get on my feet. I've writen the letter, but I have to re write it as I think I went into too much detail about why my parents cannot help me get on my feet. I went on and on about how they don't want me to move out, and want to keep holed up in a tralior house too small for three people.
If I have school as a reason to live then I guess that is a good thing. What a contridiction, I give myself a limited amount of time to live, but in the meantime I make plans for a life free from the chains of my mother and father.
I'm still without self esteem, without talent, without self worth, without the ability to stand up against my parents. Still acting like a spoiled child.