I have no artisitc talents what so ever. I have this 30*fourty streached canvas, and all these paints, and bushes, but I can't draw shit. I tried drawing my own face from a photo, and found that my brain just can't figure out how to put lines, and shadows, and placement together. Look at the paintings I've put on my page. Any three year old could have painted them. I also have three 11by fourteen canvases, and I want to paint a self potriate of myself. So I'm practicing very hard to draw myself.
Most people I know have this ablitity to draw and paint, and play instruments, write music, write words that sound beatuiful and have meaning. Me though, me I'm a talentless hack. I'm an imitatetor, and not a very good one at that.
I'm lazy, unsocaible, unconcolable, ununderstandable, mundane, pathetic, procastinator, lier, thief, talentless hack. I've had it with myself. I gave myself until 27 to do something with my life. I wanted to live in NYC by the time I was 25, that never happened. I've visited NYC, I've never lived there. If you can make it there you can make it anywhere. I so wanted to test myself. See what I had. Did I have it in me to live in a huge city that could eat me alive, and come out unscathed. I will probably never know.
I promised myself that I would kill myself at age 27 and its here. I've been 27 for a month now. Fuck I can't kill myself at 27, that would be offensive to all the really talented people who died at 27 and now belong to the 27 club. You know who I'm talking about. Janice, Jim, Jimmy, Kurt, there is more. Those are the four big ones. I should wait until 28 so I'd be in the talentless group of suicides. People like me who should kill themselves. Not people like them that shouldn't have ODed, and or killed themselves, those people made a diffrence in the world. No matter how small in the big picture, they made a diffrence.
I'm so sick of me. I want to be someone new, someone cool. I might die my hair platnium blonde, or pitch black, maybe even blue. Changeing the outside isn't going to change the fact that I have no purpose in life. I have no reason to exist. I want climb back up that amblical nuce.