I'm really sad right now. I got an email and it was perfect, and I'm watching this movie that I really like. Its called " I love your work". Its about this movie stars decent into madness. I have a headache, and I swear to you there is no such thing as true love.
My mind is a very fragile thing. Too much of something or too little of something and there is no coming back for days. I lay in the fetal position and cry and cry, then I let my imagination blur with reality. Sometimes for days and days my parents will have to put up with me living as I imagine Courtney Love would, or as some imaginary person I made up. Most recently her name was Jody.
Right now my Methadone dose is way too low, and the shock from the Suboxone has taken its toll. I admit I'm not taking my medication, and that is another reason I've been blogging so much, and so non scenically. I can't fucking eat. I fucking eat when I'm sad, and I'm sad without wanting to eat. I probably have a hunger headache plus too many cigarettes.
Every five minutes I feel I HAVE to write something down. I grab a notebook, or the laptop and just write. Not five hours ago I was able to write coherently. Now my thoughts are all disorganized. I want to write an email back, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm at a loss. I'm disappointed in myself. I wish I could crawl into someone else. I wish for just a minute I had someone to lay next to in the fetal position. I wish someone would wipe my tears from my eyes. Right now they are streaming from my eyes, and I can't pinpoint exactly what made the water works flow. My room is a mess, and its really smokey in here even though I have a fan in the window. My really soft 2000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets have juice spilled all over them, and I have cigarette burns in every blanket I own from nodding out.
I feel like an idiot kid. Wearing some clothes that don't even match. I called my friend and she made me laugh. The only thing we talk about is opiates and benzos. I guess there are only two things I really love to talk about, opiates and benzos. I wish I could play the guitar. I can't be myself, I can't be by myself, I want to be quiet whenever I want. I'm taking the cure. I'm gonna drink, drink, drink, until this hole in my soul is gone.
I JUST WANT TO FALL IN LOVE. No back dream fuckers gonna boss me around. You can't help me get over Kurt Cobain. I need to take a shower, and I wanna fight fate. You think I ought to shake your motherfucking hand. Come here by me, I want you here by me. Nightmares becoming real, its so fucking clear. I'm going to drink my self in to slow mo. Anything to pass the time. All we have is wine. All you do is read my words that all just a long drawn out wine. I'm dreadful sorry. Nobody would have me how I am. I don't want to walk around. I don't even want to breath. I live in a small town where all I can do is grit my teeth.
How come your not saying a word. I'm sorry your the one I regard. Nobodies looking now, no-ones about to shout. I wouldn't have you how you are. There my headache is going away. I think I can breath a bit more freely. Wait I need to smoke. Here we are were stupid shit collides. I keep looking at my healed track marks, and noticing veins that are supple ready for a poke, and I can't help wanting to kiss a fresh track mark, trace along a boys body his huge veins. Tie a tourniquet around his arm, puncture the skin and slip the needle into his huge vein, watch the blood blossom in crimson, push the plunger in. Watch his pupils constrict, his body slump as the warmth of the shot pulses throughout his body. Watch his jugular pulse and rush the blood to his head. Kiss his Jugular. Touch his neck. There is nothing more sexy than watching a man shoot up for his first time. You know your watching a beautiful car wreck. Watching as the wave of nausea hits, and he runs to the bathroom to vomit, and you know its a good vomit. A good shot, not wasted. How little dope it took to get him high. How much it took me to get just as high.
I want someone to deliver me my Heroin. I want someone to kiss my fresh track mark. There are no huge veins on my body anymore, just large tracks up my arms and down my hands. I want someone to show me around Alphabet town. I know what you are I just don't mind. Its what I want.
I'm just a junky girl, you can do it if you want to. I traced your footsteps in reverse up to Queens. I wouldn't be a hero if I wasn't such a zero.