Sunday, May 30, 2010

Family ties.

Today was unlike a Sunday I've had in a long time. First off this morning I slept in until 9am. Then I got up and took my Methadone and one Clonazepam. By 11am I am nodding out and trying to hide it, so I retreat to my bedroom, and try not to smoke too much so I don't burn down the house. I fall asleep, and a few minutes later my mom comes in my room and says I have to get ready to go to my cousin's cookout in the country at her house with her family, her twin sister's family and her brother, and younger sister. So it was a bunch of happy couples with their kids. My mom and dad are normal and fit right in, but I'm the deepest black of the black sheep. My whole family is pounding back triple shots of vodka mixed drinks, and a beer in the other hand. They are alcoholics, but because the drug I use to relieve the monotony of every day life is illegal I'm considered bad to be around the children. I love my little second cousins so much, but I'm not allowed to be alone with them. I guess its my fault. I chose to use opiates, and don't regret it.

Everyone in my family was congratulating my parents on going back to Hawaii, and everybody asking me if I think I can make it for two months alone. I'm fucking 27 years old, I moved out of parents house at 18, and didn't move back in until I was twenty four. I lived on my own most of my adult life. Sure I fucked it all up by using Heroin and other opiates, but I made it out alive. This time I'll have Methadone, so even if I wanted to get high I couldn't because my tolerance is ungodly high. Plus I'll be alone for only two months, and I'll be moving down there in August for three weeks, perhaps longer if I decide to stay.

Also everyone wanted to see my wrists. See the scars left behind after my suicide attempt. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but my goodness are they nosey and judgmental. I wish I were allowed to play with the kids. They were throwing water balloons and it was roasting outside and I wanted to cool down, and they has 100 balloons filled with freezing cold water. I went over to play with them and their parents called them over to there side, and then my cousin came over by me and asked me not to play with them. Jesus Christ. They sure know how to hurt my feelings.
I can't wait until my mood stabilizers start to working. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Thank gawd I was numb to most of the shit they said because I took my methadone at 9:20am and by 1:20pm I was peaking and the Clonazepam was making me nod, and making my speech slurred. I did as little talking as possible.

I know most of you are going to say I deserved what I got, because I choose a drug over my family for so long.


Gledwood said...

Chose the drug over your family? C'mon Anna! That sounds like drug counselling talking. Were you WITH you family when you were using? Were you living with them? No I thought not. Would you say someone who did a 12 hour a day job had chosen that over their family or were they just working hard? Yeah I know addiction is bad and it kills but don't be too down on yourself about it. Everything in an addict's life comes second to the drugs. But as I say: imagine you were a career girl ~ family still comes second. Probably it shouldn't. But in today's life and for many many people, drug addicts or not that is the case.
As for making a "choice", I hear people talking about that all the time. It sounds all very grown up to talk about choices, but to apply the idea of "choice" ~ a decision that is rational, thought out and free ~ face it, there is little "choice" in opiate addiction, but to use! I always say the using is automatic. As addicts we have a choice NOT to use. Yes that can be a thought-out free conscious choice. But using does not fit that category at all.

Didn't you knock down a good few drinks with the rest of 'em? Or were you not allowed? Or do you just hate drink?

I used to hate it. Especially beer. Beer to me was symbolic of the oppression of men. Men opporess themselves. Walk into a pub or bottle shop ~ drink in every colour of the rainbow. And what do they go for, to prove their manliness? Boring old beer.

I do like a cold beer now and then, but even today I drink white cider. Far cheaper. Plus I chuck fruit juices on top to take away the Brillo Pad flavour...

I hope those meds start kickin' in soon. Take care Anna


AnnaGrace said...

Thats what my family knows. A few of them have gone to Ala non, and they talk in the drug counselling talk. Yes, I was with my family when I was using, and I was without them at times too. I like your anaolgy to a working women. Although when I think working women it reminds me of prostitution. Sure I do have the choice to stop using, eg: Methadone treatment and benzo's, but truth be told I do not want to stop. I tried to a few weeks ago, and it nearly killed me.

No I didn't kick back any drinks. I hate drinking with my family. I usually only drink if I'm in a pub with my freinds. My freinds whom I've exiled myself from.

New topic.
I started to get depressed around puberty. My first suicide attempt was at fourteen. A boy I had fucked didn't like me back, and I thought it was the end of the world. He took my virginty. Asshole, still pisses me off. I don't think I was bipolar until around 18 a year before opiates fell into my lap. I had a major manic episode, I didn't sleep for days, I wrote 100's of poems and short stories. I felt the best I had ever felt in my life. Then one day I started to feel all those good feelings fade to black. I fell asleep for 19 hours, and when I woke up I just wanted to be dead. I couldn't eat, I didn't want to talk, I became cataonic. My parents carried me to the car, and brought me to the hospital, which was the first time I was hospitalized for mental illness. It was then I was diagnosied Bi Polar. Ever since then I've gone thru rapid cycleing episodes. I can cycle in a matter of a week. So far in my life I haven't found a medication that has completely stopped my cycleing. The Methadone is the best medication for me aside from Heroin. It keeps me as stable as I can be. Until they find a new medication.
Its nice to have someone I can talk to about it. Your my favorite person on the whole wide world web. Please let me move in with you.
XXX's love

Gledwood said...

If you could find a medication that stopped you cycling, would you take it?

Wouldn't you rather be cyclingg slightly than not at all. Obviously I do mean MILD, not lacerating depression or panic attacks ... No cycle at all would be like a raging sea turned to a completely still lake. Perfect as a mirror. You would see Flapper's feet as he flapped on past...

One thing I noticed heroin did, apart from stopping me being depressed maybe for 2 years this from a LOT of depression before felt absolutely amazing. But it also totally got rid of days where I woke up feeling I was walking on sunshine and happy all day. The only thing that annoyed me about these times were certain people assumed to be happy like that I HAD to be on drugs. It was just a mood swing. As much as depression was, just milder. I don't think I was "manic" in these times, I just felt good and heroin stopped it.

But it's because of mood probs that I'm scared of coming off opiates. I don't want to lose my mind again. Heroin always gave me a comfort blanket. For once I felt safe. Without it I'm out in the world on my own. I wouldn't know what to do.

I'm trying to come up with a plan whereby I can escape all of it (not suicide, I mean a life plan)...

Basically I will leave the country and just get out. I want to be somehwere else. Anywhere but Britain. Obviously Britain is exotic to you but to me it is like Wisconsin. Too many associations.

Sorry I have turned this about me now. I got an appointment with the shrink soon who's supposed to be finding out what's wrong with me. I think he thinks it's personality disorder. I don't believe that at all. From what I know I would say it is some sort of depression thing, maybe slightly bipolar. I would be scared of taking bipolar meds. I can't take antidepressants, I've had so much trouble with them. Hallucinating, agitation. Some people think it's cool to hallucinate but these pills are given to people who cannot cope any more. The last thing you want in that state is more weirdness, know what I mean..?

Do you really want to move in with me? It would be chaos! I am chaos!!

Anonymous said...

i'd tell them fuck off, im playing with the kids.

Its not like you would teach them about how to use drugs. People are fucking retarded.

Your writing has gotten much better.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm not going to judge you. We all do the best we can most times.

Sorry your family treats you so differently.



Gledwood said...

... did they really all crowd round asking for a look at your cut wrists?! What a bunch of ... well I won't say it

Anonymous said...

you got what's coming to you. who's going to let you near there kids? your just a strain on society and i wish my money didnt go to your methadone and your foodstamps. get a job and move on with life, otherwise just die already.

Anonymous said...

anonymous why dont YOU get a job and move on with YOUR LIFE (Im not sure you got one)..
why do you bother in reading her blog if it bothers you sooo much???
fuck off!!!

AnnaGrace said...

Anon #1,
I'm soooooooooo fucking glad I'm taking away your money. You fucking pathetic greedy useless drain on society. Like we need yet another greedy up tight asshole like you in this country.

Don't give the bullshit that people like you buildt this nation. This nation is full of people out for themselves, if nothing bad is happening to me then I'm going to blinders on to whats happening to the people who have it worse than you do. At least I donate some of my money to a cause. Animal abuse, I chose animals because the only humans I like are children. As far as I know only greedy assholes like your self run the feed the children and only 10 cents of each dollar go to feeding the children.
Love you.

AnnaGrace said...

Anon #2,
Thank you. Means alot to me when people stand up for me. I give you a gold star in my book. If only I knew who you were. Either way thank you.

Anonymous said...

oh anna, how your pathetic little life enterteins me!

"You fucking pathetic greedy useless drain on society"
actually, i'm not the drain on society, you are. if you didn't have people like me, you couldn't support your drug habit. take, take, take. nice, isn't it?

"Don't give the bullshit that people like you buildt this nation."
it sure wasn't buildt by people like you.

"At least I donate some of my money to a cause. Animal abuse,"
see the thing is, whatever you donate is my money, so im donating to animal abuse.

this will be my last reply. i need to find something more challenging to do. your just to easy.

Anonymous said...

eh chuck, you didnt 'choose drugs over your family', so what, you cant love both? just cause you got a junk habit means fuck all about what you do and dont love, it might make it harder tho
oh and anonymous no.1, if youve got the balls to come out your mouth with a load of poisonous shit, why not be ballsy enough to put your name to your comments? either that or fuck off and die of cancer, you coward

Anonymous said...

you are the pathetic, useless, drain on society. You drain everything out of everyone, including your family and the government. Which of course anything the goverment gives you is the tax dollars of working citizens like myself.

I personally believe in helping people in every way, if they are also trying to help themselves have a better life. The only thing I've read on here is you talking about helping yourself to free money, foodstamps, free methadone and xanex.

Honestly, where ever you decide to live you will probably do the same shit you do now, nothing. Just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. And the people who do stick up for you are most likely in the same position you are. A useless drug addict getting free methadone, money and stamps on my dime.

All in all though, you can have the little bit of money they give you and that I am actually paying for. I will sleep good at night knowing my bills are paid because I work to pay for them and the food I eat is paid for by ME.

At one point I did feel for you and hoped you would get yourself together. But after years of reading this blog I see you don't want to help yourself, you want everyone to help you. It's a sad existence you live.

This is the first time I've commented on your blog and the only reason I am posting this anonymously is because I don't want my name or e-mail associated with this blog.

Carrion Doll said...

honestly, i would rather have someone on opiates around my kids then someone who is drunk...
~Carrion Doll