Today was unlike a Sunday I've had in a long time. First off this morning I slept in until 9am. Then I got up and took my Methadone and one Clonazepam. By 11am I am nodding out and trying to hide it, so I retreat to my bedroom, and try not to smoke too much so I don't burn down the house. I fall asleep, and a few minutes later my mom comes in my room and says I have to get ready to go to my cousin's cookout in the country at her house with her family, her twin sister's family and her brother, and younger sister. So it was a bunch of happy couples with their kids. My mom and dad are normal and fit right in, but I'm the deepest black of the black sheep. My whole family is pounding back triple shots of vodka mixed drinks, and a beer in the other hand. They are alcoholics, but because the drug I use to relieve the monotony of every day life is illegal I'm considered bad to be around the children. I love my little second cousins so much, but I'm not allowed to be alone with them. I guess its my fault. I chose to use opiates, and don't regret it.
Everyone in my family was congratulating my parents on going back to Hawaii, and everybody asking me if I think I can make it for two months alone. I'm fucking 27 years old, I moved out of parents house at 18, and didn't move back in until I was twenty four. I lived on my own most of my adult life. Sure I fucked it all up by using Heroin and other opiates, but I made it out alive. This time I'll have Methadone, so even if I wanted to get high I couldn't because my tolerance is ungodly high. Plus I'll be alone for only two months, and I'll be moving down there in August for three weeks, perhaps longer if I decide to stay.
Also everyone wanted to see my wrists. See the scars left behind after my suicide attempt. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but my goodness are they nosey and judgmental. I wish I were allowed to play with the kids. They were throwing water balloons and it was roasting outside and I wanted to cool down, and they has 100 balloons filled with freezing cold water. I went over to play with them and their parents called them over to there side, and then my cousin came over by me and asked me not to play with them. Jesus Christ. They sure know how to hurt my feelings.
I can't wait until my mood stabilizers start to working. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Thank gawd I was numb to most of the shit they said because I took my methadone at 9:20am and by 1:20pm I was peaking and the Clonazepam was making me nod, and making my speech slurred. I did as little talking as possible.
I know most of you are going to say I deserved what I got, because I choose a drug over my family for so long.