Saturday, May 22, 2010

high

I've walked close to eight miles today. For no good reason at all. I'm not at inspired to write, but here I am. For no good reason at all. Today the Methadone clinic upped my dose ten milligrams by accident. Its only suppose to be five milligrams a day. So I'm itchy, and nodding out. The thing about my Methadone dose is it really kicks in three hours after you take it. That's when it peaks. So I'm out walking these back country roads listening to my Mp3 player and I start to nod. I can't fucking believe it. I'm all itchy, and I keep dropping my cigarettes. My mom says my words are slurred, and well I'm just in heaven. Its lasting forever, plus I have my Sunday take home dose which I'm thinking about taking at like midnight so I can get high again right away. If I do that tho, I won't be able to get high tomorrow. I won't be sick, but I won't be high.

This heavenly feeling is making me realize there are no problems. I'm safe as can be in this cozy little place, and the sky is so overcast that the hole inside me is all healed. I'm as whole as I've ever been. I need this to last. I'd much rather be on Heroin even now, but this feeling is as close as it comes to being high on Heroin.

That's all there really is to say right now. Tonight Methadone will be the boy laying next to me while I lay in the fetal position sobbing. Tonight Methadone will be the boy with huge veins I can trace along the leanght of his arms and up to his neck. He will wipe away all my tears. He will keep me from crying at all.

I've got to go.

13 comments:

elizabeth said...

Is this REALLY all that you want your life to be???
Anna there has to be another way..

Kelley said...

I'm gonna come pick you up and we're gonna run away from it alll!!!

Kelley

Anonymous said...

You have to get this herion shit out of your mind. Please share these self destructive thoughts with your psychistrist. You have every opportunity... why destroy yourself. And all you dumb asses out there that encourage her...go jump off a bridge. Please make an effort to get well. I grieves me that you are so afraid of life. You have nothing to fear. YOU ARE LOVED ANNA.

Anonymous said...

Guys if she really wants to live a heroin type of life.... LET HER BE!
Anna we really care about you but maybe you like really like that style of life..

Gledwood said...

ok i will try and answer you all for anna, because i don't think she would put it this directly, at least not right now

no i don't think she does want her life to be like this, not at all

but when in pain, what works best if not a painkiller? she would rather feel numb than feel pain, so she is numbing herself

i expect the drs have a pretty good idea what is going on and hey, at least she is not on street heroin

"morphia" incidentally WERE used, (certainly in Britain) in the early 20th century in cases of mania and depression ~ apart from bromides and later barbiturates it was all they had until chlorpromazine. lithium didn't come along as therapy until the 70s, valproate, carbamazepine and others are much more recent

AnnaGrace said...

Elizabeth, beautiful name. Name of my mother in fact. I'm not really sure what I want my life to be. I want to be me. Alot of people don't want me to just be me.

AnnaGrace said...

Kelley,
I'm packed and ready to go.

AnnaGrace said...

Anon #1,
Fuck, belive me I tried to get this shit out of my mind, and I'll tell anyone who will listen about this "heroin shit", along with all my self destructive thoughts.
Thank you though, I know your motives are pure. Its good to know that I'm loved.

AnnaGrace said...

Anon #2,
Thank you. I do like the "heroin" lifestyle. Something about being and elitist in the drug world makes me feel better about myself. Elitest, as in you use Heroin interveinously OMG, your fucking nuts, your ruining your life. No fucking shit. Its my life, and who says an addict has no quality of life? The reason I'm suicidal all the fucking time is because everyone is putting this label and judgeing me because of what I do to my body. I can't find the words, thats why I'm swearing so much.

AnnaGrace said...

Gled,
A million thanks.

Kelley said...

Seriously tho, I'm never doing anything, it'd be neat to meet someone you've only talked to thru blogger. We could go find Heroin Head! lol

Kelley

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Just saying hi, Anna. I'm still out here, reading.

You are loved.

SB

Stefanie said...

hey anna,
i just came across your blog today. just wanted to tell u i really enjoy it. u remind me of myself a little bit. plus i live in michigan which i imagine sucks like wisconsin sucks.
so anyway im staying in florida for the summer to get away from dope for a little while. i basically exhausted all my money resources and it started gettin tough financing me and my boyfriends habits. hes useless when it comes to gettin dope money. but been together since before the dope so hard to leave him without.
as much as i would like to say ive quit for good, im very tempted to fly back to michigan to get high again. now im just wishin i had a connect here. dont know anyone though.
tryin to keep my mind busy.
do u recommend methadone then? never tried it, once i tried going to a clinic in michigan but the lady turned me away telling me "to try suboxone first" not sure how i feel about it. wish i could get high off it. well...hope all is well.