Monday, May 24, 2010

Justin is a Rose.

Imagine yourself floating, your eyes wide open watching the sun move in the sky. Its sweterling hot outside. The ocean's waters are cool, and your lying on your back floating. Letting the currents take out deeper and deeper. Suddenly someone is beside in the ocean, floating on the same currents. You look over and see that it is someone you love, and you reach your hand out and the other person reaches their hand out, and you hold hands and just float. Hours pass and not a word spoken, but the electricity flowing thru the both of you is dangerous, ex specially in water. Your bound to be electrocuted.

That is how I felt when I met Justin. I was 22, and my friends Emily and Josh had come to visit me and Pete (my boyfreind) in Green Bay. They brought along someone I didn't know. His name is Justin, and he is Josh's bestfreind. I've herd of Justin before, but this is our first meeting. I am immediately attracted to him. I had just shot up 16mg of Dilauded, and I'm nodding off every couple of seconds. I'm trying my hardest to stay awake for my company. Justin notices the syringe on the table. I forgot about it laying there. I normally hide all evidence of my use as soon as I'm done shooting up. I know that Emily and Josh are not shocked to see the syringe. They have known me as a user for, four years now. As an IV user for going on nine months. I'm worried about this Justin guys reaction. Will he ask to leave now?

To my surprise, Justin asks if we mind if he fixes here. Pete and I both say, "by all means, have at her. If you want to have some privacy you can go into the bathroom." He is sitting on the love seat with Emily and Josh. He pulls out a black fanny pack from his back pack. He unzips his fanny pack, and walks over to the open chair. I grab a glass of water for him to use.

He goes to the needle exchange. I've never gone there, so when he pulls out a little tin with a garbage bag tie around it so you can hold it like a minuter frying pan, I am curious. He also has little cottons and these blue tubes of water. He smiles at me when I bring him the glass, and says, " oh no, I go to the needle exchange and they give out these clean water tubes, and these little cottons along with these cookers. I'll take the water to drink though". We all watch as he cooks up. He's got brown sugar Heroin. Another first for me. I've only known China White around these parts. I ask where he got brown sugar. He tells me his sister lives in Florida and she sends it up to him via Fed Ex.

I watch as he fixes. Right after he pushes off, I ask when his birthday is. He is an Aries, I've always dated Aquarius like myself. Right after I ask the question I can tell the 5 seconds have past and the shot is giving him the first rush. Emily and Josh are bored, I give them both a beer. Me, Pete, and Justin are all nodding off, dropping cigarettes left and right. I open my eyes and notice Emily and Josh are getting ready to leave. They shake Justin out his nodd, and ask him if he wants a ride home. I immediately say, "if you want to stay and watch a movie with us your more than welcome. I can give you ride home whenever." He slumps over, and I hear him say yes in a whisper. I take that as he is staying here with us. Pete goes to the bathroom. I can hear him tossing his cookies. When he comes out he says I'm going in the bedroom to rest. He leaves me and Justin to our own devices. I put in my favorite movie, Royal Tenenbaums, and Justin walks over to the couch where I'm sitting.

I fall asleep. When I wake up Justin's body and mine are intertwined. He is sound asleep, I run my fingers along his jaw softly. I admire his face, and body. He is so much prettier than Pete. I remember Pete just then, and I untwin our bodies, and go to see what Pete is doing. Its dark out now, and Pete is gone. He left a note saying he went to the bar. I worry about him using and drinking. He always does this. He says its to save on dope. When he gets drunk he passes out and doesn't need another shot until the morning. I walk back into the living room and notice that Justin is awake. We are both thinking the same thing, "I need another fix." I ask if I can have a taste of his brown sugar. He cooks up a shot for both of us. We both have a hard time finding a good vein. At almost the exact moment we both see a dark blood rush in, its hard to see in this brown liquid if you hit a vein. I decide that I hit, and I push the plunger in and I was right I hit the vein.

I feel the warmth of the Heroin flowing thru me. Justin takes my face in his hands, and pulls me close to his face. He asks me if he can kiss me. I don't answer, I just lunge forward and kiss him. I pull his shirt off, and he pulls mine off. Pete could be home any second. I want to keep kissing him forever. We are both naked, but he doesn't try to enter me, he seems content just kissing me up and down my body, and letting me do the same along the length of his body. We end up falling asleep again.

When we wake up, and its morning. I don't even bother to look for Pete. I want to have sex, so I kiss Justin and get on top of him. He is hard in seconds, and I slide his penis into my moist vagina. I ride him slowly at first. He rolls me over and into doggy style and pound against me harder and faster. It feels so good. We both haven't taken out morning shot of Heroin, I feel the slightest pangs of withdrawal. With the withdrawals I know I can cum so I rum my clit. Justin's hand is over my hand, and we move into missionary position. I rub my clit and I cum. I scream out, "fuck me hard and deep". He does as I commanded, and within minutes he pulls out and cums all over my breasts. We light both light a cigarette, and I don't even bother to wipe his cum off me. I start to prepare my morning shot, he does the same.

After I feel better, I look in the bedroom and Pete never came home last night, or he did and found Justin and I naked on the couch. If that happened he probably went to his dad's house. I don't care either way. Me and Justin get dressed. He asks me if I want to stay at his house tonight. I say yes, and we gather out things together, and I grab my keys and we are off to his house.

After that day Justin and I are inseparable. I tell Pete I found someone else, and he moves out of the apartment. I have no idea how I'm going to pay rent. Justin and I get into the routine of two junkies. I go the doctors and scam out of them Dilauded. We both sit around alot waiting for his dealer to call back. Justin prefers Heroin to the Dilauded. I do too, but Dilauded keeps the sickness at bay and its much cheaper. We are always broke, and the power, and water gets turned of at both of our apartments. I'm too broke to pay my rent for two months. I get a notice that I'm being kicked out of the apartment. Everything starts to fall apart. I realize I need Pete. Pete can hold down a job and still use. In the end I go back to Pete, and he pays the rent. I leave Justin. I wanted to stay with him, but if I did I would end up homeless. Pete takes care of me. I go where I know I will always be able to afford drugs. I love Justin more than Pete, and Pete knows this. Yet Pete loves me more than I deserve, and we get into a routine of using. It lasts four two more years.

In the end I steal 600 dollars from Pete to buy Heroin, and its the last straw for Pete. He breaks up with me, and kicks me out. I don't bother Justin with my problems. I haven't herd from him in months. I go back and live with my parents. My dad's supply of Morphine and my supply of Dilauded will keep me well for a good amount of time. My mother and I end up moving to Hawaii for a year. I come back and get on Methadone. Time passes I move around alot. In and out of my parents house. I never forget Justin though.

Now it is today. The sun is out, and it hot as hell outside and its only 7am. I drive to Green Bay to get my dose of Methadone. I get there and who do I run into? Justin. We look at each other and I begin to shake. He asks me how things are going in my life. I tell him OK. I ask him about his life, and he tells me he has a daughter now, and a baby on the way. I congratulate him. I feel my heart sink. I'll never have him how I want him. We didn't have much time to talk. Its my turn to dose. I do so quickly. I walk out the door and say good bye to Justin.


Gledwood said...

Anna your writing is beautiful


Stella said...

wow. life is a piece of turd and everyday you take a bite of it.


AnnaGrace said...

Why thank you Gled. Now give me a photo of you. I demand that you let me move in with you. How old are you by the way. LOL!


AnnaGrace said...

Nice analogy

Yella said...

was he surprised when he saw you? you didn't give much of an account of his reaction. that's tragic, though.

AnnaGrace said...

I do think he was sort of shocked to see me. He saw me first and I herd someone gasp, I do belive it was him.
I think both of us never expected to see eachother again. So it was shock for both of us. I know Justin a bit, and if he were with his children's mother he wouldn't have spoken a word to me. He's just like that.

kelley said...

Wow, that's nuts! I've been in the same exact way. Your words emulate my life.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sorry to hear that you can't be with Justin now, but who knows what the future holds.



Anonymous said...

Oh anna what a interesting post and so well written!
So sad you couldnt be together cause it was a total mess...
but who knows? maybe someday....
hey yella dont you blog anymore?

Gledwood said...

Anna I am too old! I am nearly 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But still very childish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have an idea. I will tell you soon.
I look like Curt Kobain.
Well I don't... but I do...

remember, a hamster is telling you this

do not tell your psych doc a hamster told you anything ~ they might up your meds

hey isn't that a good thing? are bipolar meds any good?
do they do anything?
is it boring when you stop swinging?
is it like the end of a wild party, when everything's flat and you think "i'd rather have madness and noise, i'd rather have the chaos back ~ anything ANYTHING but this sickening bleak silence!!"

i meant swinging in the bipolar sense ~ ANNA! you dirty cow!!! what did you THINK i meant??!?

Gledwood said...

ps i could really do with some roast beef now

(english through and through, me...)

did you know the french call us "les roast-beefs"~??!

no beef but... hey I have about a fifth of a roast chicken in the fridge...

it makes really good sandwiches with red peppers, mayonnaise, black pepper and lea and perrins dashed all over ...

Gledwood said...

come on when are you gonna post something else

come on come on COME ON I TELL YOU!!!

what is it like in wisconsin?
is it dullardly-dull-dull?

i ask this because you make it sound like some exile...

maybe i will go into artistic exile one day... i will go to a sanatarium in the alps and write f scott fitzgerald novels on a remington typewriter. a black nurse who looks like naomi campbell will push me around in a wooden wheelchair, with tartan blanket on top

every now and then a tiny terrier will peek-a-boo out of this blanket, snarl at the nurses, gobble the end off a chocolate eclair, then go back to sleep...

and back to wisconsin:

do you know many people?
do you associate with anyone... or are you exiled, away from life, the universe and everything with only Great Lakes for company

don't tell me ~ no great lakes for miles???!

i had a look at the map. it seemed to indicate you being pretty near (in American terms) to the wondrous city of CHICAGO!! is this true?

is it any good there? do you see

come on post something POST SOMETHING I TELL YOU!!

what really made you leave hawaii? are you allergic to vulgar psycho-coloured men's shirts?

did you get fed up of seeing/hearing "aloha" everywhere?

have you ever been up mauna loa? is it true it actually erupts campbells condensed soup ~ tomato flavour? (andy warhol would know)

i went to melody lee's and laughed and laughed, come on fess up it was you who asked the "why did you leave your spoon on a slice of cheese" it was wasn't it..??!?