Saturday, May 29, 2010

Minds have been made up

The final decision has been made. I will be staying in Wisconsin while my parents move to Hawaii for three months aka 90 days. I will be visiting them the second month they are there. My counselor said this was OK. I have to be at a stable dose, and when I get to Hawaii it will be mandatory that I take my pshycotropic drugs in front of the nurse at the Clinic in Hawaii. The clinic in Hawaii is called Ku Aloha Ala Mau formally known as D.A.S.H. (drug addiction services of Hawaii)

This is my best chance to prove to my parents that I can live on my own and flourish. I will stay away from all illegal drugs, I will take my medication for Bi Polar, and I will be on Nurti-System, so I when I go visit my parents in Hawaii I will be thin. Thinking thin. I bought a smaller size bikini and pinned it to my wall. So every time I go into the kitchen and am going to eat comfort food I am seeing that bikini that I want to wear in Hawaii and will walk away from the kitchen with an apple instead of a candy bar.

Also my Physcitrist will be prescribing me Ritalin which takes away my appetite completely, and makes me want to exercise. The down side is it keeps me from sleeping much, and it makes my thoughts race, as if I was having a manic episode. There is a lot of differing opinions about weather a Bi Polar should be put on amphetamines, some in the field think it brings on sever manic episodes, which in turn brings on even worse depressive episodes. Some think as long as its taken appropriately it would keep a Bi Polar stable along with the mood stabilizers, and the Risperdone for my delusional thinking, and my Clonazepam for my panic attacks, and Lexapro for depression, and Thryroxin for my thyroid problem.

While my parents are gone, I have two months to think about where I'm going to live after they get home. I will also be saving the money I'm getting from Social Security Disability. My parents offered to pay for my rent, my T.V. and my Internet. For food I'll be on Nurti-system. I will still get food stamps, but I won't have any need for them, so if I can find somebody willing to pay me cash for my food stamps. I think I could talk a Friend into using my food stamps and buying their food with it, and giving me 90 dollars for 115 dollars worth of groceries, put that money in the bank with the 675+85+90=806 dollars if my calculations are right. I'm terrible at math so please don't rag on me if I'm wrong. I don't have a calculator handy. So when I go to Hawaii I will have saved up 1,612 dollars. That would be put in the bank in Hawaii(if I decide to stay after my parents come back to Wisconsin) and I would put the four hundred + four hundred and seventy five a month in the bank every month, and use the rest as petty cash. I will also have food stamps so my eating money is taken care of. The 200 in petty cash will go towards the sliding scale fee for my stay at the hostel. If you stay in a hostel for over a month you start having to pay a sliding scale fee. Depending on how much you make from SSI and welfare, you have to pay a sliding scale fee for rent. I just remember that today. I could also buy a tent and live in one of the homeless beach cites. That always seemed like fun to me. A tent on a beach in a community of homeless families. Sure you have your crazy person, and drug addict in the little homeless communities, but most are just Native Hawaii people who can't afford rent after the Japanese took over and built all these expensive high rise apartments. I could also look for a nanny job that pays cash. Hopefully a live in nanny. So I could put away all my money and live off my cash pay

I keep falling asleep. So that's about it for now. I will probably blog latter on today about something totally different. Your probably sick of hearing about my parents moving to Hawaii, and what I might do when I get there.

Thanks for reading. Welcome to my newest follower. #67.

8 comments:

elizabeth said...

YAY ANNA! Now that is what I am talking about, taking control of your life. You can do it....I have faith in you! Hugs..

Gledwood said...

Good Evening to ya, Anna G! Gledwood here with fried chicken and heroin in one hand... and a stone cold dish of Health Salad and Sobriety in the other.

Which is it gonna be? Which d'you choose Anna. Which? C'mon: which one?

... what's this Nurti System you're talkin' 'bout?

PS ever had an Oreo?
'Sposed to be China White in Mexican Black Tar... Mmmm-mmm!!

AnnaGrace said...

Gled,

Of course I'd pick the fried chicken and heroin, but I want you to be okay so for you I'd say the stone cold dish of health salad and sobriety.

Nurti System is a weight loss company. They make all your meals for you and then freeze dry them and mail them to you. Snacks included. Its a quick way to loose weight.


An Oreo I have never had, but am now dying to try.

As far as a post about me I'd be flattered, even it was mean and hurt my feeliings.

XXX's
AG

AnnaGrace said...

Elizabeth,
Thanks for your praise. It feels good.
Hugs...

Gledwood said...

I will do the BIG BLOG POST ON ANNA GRACE as promised!!!

I'm planning an article on "Dual Diagnosis" and how drug users tend to try and self-medicate their way out of sticky situations.

No reply from me earlier I'm afraid as I was asleep. Fast asleep like I've not slept in days.... what day is it even? Friday? Saturday~? I keep forgetting... It's long weekend over here. Long weekend. Bank holiday Monday yet again. Which only evokes bad memories of working in crap jobs where I was laid off pay-less on such days, when really I'd have been into overtime. Not no time at all. Thanks so very much Mr Boss Man...

Flapper has been cooing incessantly all day long on the neighbour's TV aerial 10 houses down... I think he is tryin' to tell me something... Perhaps a flight somewhere exotique is in order... (if only, man. If only!)

That bikini ploy sounds like a cunning plan indeed. When I once wanted to make money I stuck pictures of gold, banknotes, etc etc over my wall. It worked, though I'm still not a millionaire...

The tent city sounds pretty funky. I lived homeless for a few months, maybe five years back. At first I shared the squat with friends. Then one by one they all left town to clean up etc and my last stay in that place was on my own, which got very stressful at night with rats and foxes scurrying about, pigeons cooing in the rafters (feral street pigeons, not wood pigeons like Flapper), not to mention ghosts lighting up the place

Is this thyroid medication given as a mood stabilizer? I heard in bipolar sometimes it is. Doesn't necessarily mean you got thyroid probs as such... (so my old depression handbook used to say...)

Ritalin does seem a bit of an odd thing to give for bipolar... did you tell the dr about the racing thoughts? Or is it too much fun to be spoiled by a consciencious medic..?! Seriously though it does seem a bit weird giving someone they know is prone to mania something that makes even non-bipolars hypomanic... know what I mean? What are they actually giving it for? I heard it's for attention deficit...


I was only joking about the Oreo mmm mmm. Tar is bad news!!!!! Don't people ever hit up chunks of road tar by accident? Yurkh. The Oreo thing is supposedly true. One of those weird druggie things people do...

Have you thought of going back to rehab? I'm looking into it yet again. I don't have too good a track record over this. If I want to leave, I just leave ~ no messing about, I just go.

So if I ever put myself in such a place again I need to know I'm in it for the long haul... the 2 places I went were 12-step (far as I know). But there's another type called Therapeutic Community. Some of these places take people without druggie problems. It's sposed to be a community where everyone recovers together. I think I might do better with mental health around me rather than just junkies. Junkies get me down. I get fed up of the bullshit and the swagger. "We're all in the same boat" ~ xcept we are NOT. As I said in that long post ~ last place I was in seemingly everyone else was doing OK. It was only me who was falling to pieces. I never realized, till I tried to take it away, how badly I was relying on heroin for simple mental stability. Take it away and BANG!! Not pretty. Not at all.......


Well I gotta go Anna G, take care of yourself :-]...

Gledwood said...

It took me so long typing in that comment that you had replied to the first one by the time I actually pressed enter!!

I wish I hadn't gone on about Oreos now, I feel all responsible. Oreos are for dunking in tea! You can get cheap Turkish looky-likey ones that I buy ~ 39p for a 150g packet. Yummmm....

I shall write a highly cogent intellectual thesis about the issues surrounding drugs and depression. I have a 25 year history of depression too, remember... why would I be all mean to you?

Do you mind my asking how long ago it was when you first got symptoms of depression or mania? And which came first? And how long was it till you got a diagnosis?

I first got depressed aged 10. I was obsessed with the idea that I would get cancer and die. I spent a lot of time worried sick, a lot of time crying. Then I got OCD, which means I was terrified of germ-contamination and kept washing my hands... God knows how many times per day. I washed them so much that in winter time they chapped and bled. This went on for 2 years or more. During my teens I went through intermittent bouts of depression. I remember being v much slowed down. People sometimes remarked I seemed to live in slow motion. But I could not snap out of it. Eventually, like a long winter, it just passed.

I stayed at school till 18 years. Then wasted a year between school and uni. That was depressing. Then I went to uni. First time properly away from home and all that, all these opportunities ~ I went for too many of them. I got desperately depressed. I remember thinking about my life in the expanse of time and space and seeing how worthless it was. Dropping acid in this state probably did not help either. Though I tried heroin in this era it just wasn't around. Plus it was deeply unfashionable. Ecstasy was the drug of the moment. Everything was rave and clubbing crazy... What altered in Britain around this time was the attitude to drugs among a whole generation. Rather than being something forbidden, suddenly drugs seemed like a sweetshop full of opportunities.

Hmmmm....

It's dark outside. Flapper is roosting in the cherry tree.

Anonymous said...

Please.... who's going to give you a nanny job? I would not want my kids within 10,000 feet of you. I hope they do background checks in Hawaii, otherwise I'd hate to think whose kids would be exposed to your sad little lifestyle. Better to move into a tent.

AnnaGrace said...

You think living in a tent is sooo degrading. What a close minded sheep you are.
I feel bad for your kids sheltered lives. I bet if you have a boy child he'll grow to become a pediphile serial killer. You deserve that. Now you better run back and find the rest of the herd.