Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Suboxone Sickness

I'm off the Methadone. I am suppose to be on the Subonxone, but when I started to take the Suboxone yesterday I had too many opiates on my receptors and the Narcan in the fucking Suboxone thru me into immediate withdrawls. I haven't been that sick since I don't know when, since I was using Heroin in Hawaii and would run out for a day or two. Yesterday I was so sick I just couldn't move, talk, think, pet my dog, eat. Nothing.

So this morning I figured yesterday the Narcan in the Suboxone got all of the opiates in receptors out. So I suffered through yesterday thinking I just have to wait to till tomorrow.
I wake up this morning and I take a small dose of the Suboxone, and yet again I go into immediate with drawls. Still to many opiates on my receptors. The sickness isn't as bad today, but the mental suffering is like I lost my best and only friend in the world. I am crying as I write, I've been crying all fucking day.

The worst thing is that there is nothing anybody can do for me. I just have to wait it out. I HATE SUBOXONE. I'll keep getting the pills, but I'm taking them, I using my SSI money to buy Heroin. Fuck this, I want to be nodded out in heaven with my dog. I want a boyfriend so bad it hurts.

Having these photos of Kurt Cobain and Michale Pitt on my wall next to my bed isn't helping me out at all. Listening to Nirvana and Pagota, and The Flaming Lips. My favorite song Jesus Shootin Heroin, just makes me want my mom to drag me out into the field and take a shotgun to my head and put me out of my misery like a horse with a broken leg.

Oh God, I am so fucking suicidal its embarrassing because I can't load the fucking gun and I don't know where my parent hid the bullets. Trying on pills is just fucking pointless. It takes too long. I just wish I could get the gun loaded, and get a enormous shot of Heroin and kill myself. I have nothing more than my love of opiates keeping me alive. Well I guess that is a lie, but without opiates I am not me. My brain has been completely rewired and it needs opiates to feel normal, just normal not good.

I do not regret using Heroin or Hydromorphone, I don't regret putting a needle in my arm and I never will.

Please God, please let the Suboxone work Tomorrow.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ask for subutex and snort it. It had a nice feeling.

Anonymous said...

wtf anna?!
you had done H again????
try again with the subxone or whatever the name is.. dont give up so easily...

Gledwood said...

ANNA YOU WILL FEEL OK SOON you will...
This is a huge comment I just bashed in. Sorry if it goes on, it tells my own story of "bupe"...

It has to be in 2 parts, they say "html cannot accept 4600 characters"~haha

I think it's the buprenorphine doing that to you not the naloxone.

About 5 years ago I got Subutex, which is Suboxone without the naloxone, from a private doctor. The clinic I went to had a good rep so I trusted them. I get the usual questions how much are you using? blah blah I said 2x£20 heroin or 1x£20 heroin + 20mg methadone. He knew I had taken 20mg methadone that morning. I was totally straight with him: look this is what I use I'm not exaggerating up or down, I don't know much about this stuff, would it be right for me?
Oh yes blh blah and he writes out the script (which is on their own notepaper, not even a form like an NHS script)... "take 4mg the first day. Don't take any more because it will just increase the receptor-blockade without holding you any more, the next day you can take 8mg and the next 12mg if you feel you need it... blah blah"
But when do I take it? "When you feel like you really need a hit"
Now we had gone right into London on the tube which I hadn't ridden on for months, having been living in heroinland, we had to get up really early it was really stressful, we barely had money to get down there and pay the pharmacy bill (and the clinic direct you to the pharmacy at the end of their street which is really expensive, but guaranteed to have the stuff in stock, which most places won't, unless it's ordered)... I was so stressed and miserable I just wanted to jump in front of the next train rather than ride it home
But we get most of the way home and I was well aware that if I'd had gear, no question I'd have used the minute I was back through the door. So I took the 4mg on the journey home. By the time we got back I felt so weird, it was an effort to get off the bus back from the station... my head was spinning... Not long after we got in the door I started sweating really heavily, then I knew what was happening. I basically went through the full-on cold turkey. Puked everything I'd eaten. It was like puking up shit. Lying in bed writhing getting more and more wrapped up in the sheets. Person with me wanting to call an ambulance. NO! Could not think of anything worse than feeling like that and being on a hospital trolley ("guerney" I think you call them) surrounded by unsympathetic nurses and knowing they gave morphine in there (to other people) but there's nothing they could do for me. I remember my nose was so blocked I could not breathe at all except through my mouth. I tried to ring my folks, couldn't get through. Got through ended up shouting. Didn't mean to, it was just that sort of day. Then I decided to ring the dealer, was dragged out of the callbox. I barely had money for the phone call. I certainly didn't have £20 (this dealer only did £20s). But I knew I would probably get the gear on tick. Thing was I was in such a state I could not handle the thought of ruding all that way down, waiting, not knowing whether they would wanna do it all that shit and whether the stuff would even work so I just gave up on the idea and went to bed and actually did sleep for about 4 hours, maybe in 3 chunks.

I kept having the worst nightmares, about being under water in a stagnant pond, gasping for air and this dark satanic shadow pushing me under

I was lying in bed and the girl I was with was black and she had just had her hair done with a straight weave which did look funky but in my dreams I believed I was in the dealer's car. I thought she was my crack dealer's girlfriend

Then BANG! Waking up with a gasp. That is what I hate about being sick, waking up like an electric shock. Actually waking into the nightmare...

Gledwood said...

Next day I strangely felt better. By better I mean "better than I had been" not 100% well. The weird thing was, this was despite NOT having taken any more pills. By this time I was wary of them. If they could do this to me, no way was I going to take any more than prescribed, no matter how desperate I felt.

But I did take the next dose, I think it was 8mg, on time and by late morning I felt about 95% better. I still had the odd shiver, but mostly I was OK. Also my mood felt high. She had cable so I put on the a pop vid channel and the music sounded ten times better, I was dancing around, felt really good. I knew I was a bit high but it wasn't druggie high it was like this opiate that had been pressing me down had suddenly been released and wow! Also my sense of smell came back with a vengeance. I was in the bath all the time trying to get clean.

Within 2 or 3 days I felt totally fine. Only problem was I couldn't sleep more than 4 hours per night and forget napping during the day ~ would never happen.

I kept taking the Subutex for a few weeks and it was the only experience I've had the whole time of my addiction of being able to live and feel clean (it really does not feel ike methadone at all) ~ and physically I had no need whatsoever to ever use heroin again...

What went wrong for me wsa, after a while I just had to, just had to cheat and I used on top and got back on gear when everyone thought I was doing "so well" on these pills... I couldn't tell anybody. In fact nobody knew anything about anything until I accidentally OVERDOSED. That's another thing ~ it decimated my tolerance.

I had to stop taking it as I ended up in a mental hospital and they would only give methadone. My habit though went so tiny that a £10 deal, which is 0.2g that I would normally hit in one, I had to split into THREE and wait an hour or more before hit #2 and when I had that, the second third of the bag I was totally out of it, every time

Basically buprenorphine gave me a holiday from being a junkie. You have to be ready for it and committed to not using again. If you do it makes a total mess of the programme and you'll have to keep switching back to it, which is about as much fun as a cold bath...

You were taking methadone before the switch... how many mg again? They say 30mg methadone should be the absolute max.

It's unusual you say it made you more ill the second day as well ... even if not as bad. If you don't feel fine within another day or two you really should phone the clinic because it should not go on doing that.

PS:

As I said, stuff I took was Subutex, just buprenorphine.
Far as I know Suboxone is buprenorphine + naloxone. The bupu is the stuff that actually works. Naloxone's supposed to make sure people don't inject the pills. If you do it kicks in making you sick (what a lovely idea). If you take it the way you're sposed to, under the tongue, the idea is the naloxone does nothing because it cannot be absorbed that way and it breaks down in the body before it ever gets a chance to work.

Please hang in there Anna, you will feel better soon, you will. Take care of yourself

;-)...

elizabeth said...

Listen to those who have been there, they know.
Your life is worth alot, whether you choose to believe it or not. Remember baby steps and try, try, again!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna,
I hope you get to feeling better.

You are loved.

Gledwood said...

Anna G, how's it going? RU oK?

AnnaGrace said...

I'm still sick Glen, and I can't stop crying. Can I move in with you? I buy my own ticket to London, and I get money every month for being Bi Polar, and I can pay. Please take me in.

I'm going back on the Methadone tommorrow. Its 8pm here in the Midwest of the States, and I have too many hours ahead of being sick and I can fucking take it.


Fuck Suboxone, fuck Narcan. I wish that shit was never invented.I wouldn't mind Subutex without the Narcan, but that fucking Narcan has me at my wits end.

I just hope that by some glory of God that the Methadone will make me feel better.

My phone number is 920-8four8-3293

call all you want.

jDre said...

I've been on and off this bup train so many times.. that I can guarantee this.. You will feel better in 24 hours. and normal in 48. The problem is.. Sometimes normal really sucks.