I'm off the Methadone. I am suppose to be on the Subonxone, but when I started to take the Suboxone yesterday I had too many opiates on my receptors and the Narcan in the fucking Suboxone thru me into immediate withdrawls. I haven't been that sick since I don't know when, since I was using Heroin in Hawaii and would run out for a day or two. Yesterday I was so sick I just couldn't move, talk, think, pet my dog, eat. Nothing.
So this morning I figured yesterday the Narcan in the Suboxone got all of the opiates in receptors out. So I suffered through yesterday thinking I just have to wait to till tomorrow.
I wake up this morning and I take a small dose of the Suboxone, and yet again I go into immediate with drawls. Still to many opiates on my receptors. The sickness isn't as bad today, but the mental suffering is like I lost my best and only friend in the world. I am crying as I write, I've been crying all fucking day.
The worst thing is that there is nothing anybody can do for me. I just have to wait it out. I HATE SUBOXONE. I'll keep getting the pills, but I'm taking them, I using my SSI money to buy Heroin. Fuck this, I want to be nodded out in heaven with my dog. I want a boyfriend so bad it hurts.
Having these photos of Kurt Cobain and Michale Pitt on my wall next to my bed isn't helping me out at all. Listening to Nirvana and Pagota, and The Flaming Lips. My favorite song Jesus Shootin Heroin, just makes me want my mom to drag me out into the field and take a shotgun to my head and put me out of my misery like a horse with a broken leg.
Oh God, I am so fucking suicidal its embarrassing because I can't load the fucking gun and I don't know where my parent hid the bullets. Trying on pills is just fucking pointless. It takes too long. I just wish I could get the gun loaded, and get a enormous shot of Heroin and kill myself. I have nothing more than my love of opiates keeping me alive. Well I guess that is a lie, but without opiates I am not me. My brain has been completely rewired and it needs opiates to feel normal, just normal not good.
I do not regret using Heroin or Hydromorphone, I don't regret putting a needle in my arm and I never will.
Please God, please let the Suboxone work Tomorrow.