Friday, May 28, 2010

To be or not to be.

So decisions have been made, and some of them I don't like. Turns out my parents don't want me to go to Hawaii with them. They want me to stay home, and take care of Eleanor my dog. They want me to stay home because I need to keep seeing my phycitartist. There are alot of reasons, btw the real main reason is because when I come back to Wisconsin from Hawaii I won't be allowed back in the Methadone clinic. If I had a regular supply of Heroin or even Dilaudid I would be fine, but I don't. Here in Green Bay Heroin is way over priced and cut to shit. I would have to go to Chicago every week. That would break my bank. I only 675 dollars a month from Federal government plus 85 dollars a month from the state. Right now I'm getting my Methadone for free. My insurance pays for it. Both in Hawaii and here in Wisconsin. My parents and the clinic will let me visit them for a month. I was thinking if I go to visit them in Hawaii their last month there, I would just stay.

In Hawaii they have really great services for people on SSI. For instance the government would pay for me to stay in a Hostel until a housing unit would become available where I would only have to pay whatever I can afford. Also in Hawaii I can get alot more money from the state, Four hundred a month plus the Six hundred and seventy five dollars. ( the number four on my keypad doesn't work so I have to spell it out) So that is over 1,000 dollars a month. While I'm in the Hostel my 675 dollars a month would be cut in half because they are paying for my housing. If my housing is being paid for then my food stamp money would be more. It's easy to get people to give me cash for the food stamps. Especailly families where the parents are alcoholic. They need the food stamps so they don't spend all their cash on alcohol and leave their children to starve.

The Methadone clinic in Hawaii is alot easier to maneuver. Plus if I get kicked out of one I can go to the other one. There are two on the island of Oahu in the city of Honolulu.

So I stay here with Eleanor for two months by myself. Then on the last month they are their, I would go, and would get everything set up so I could live there after they leave. I would leave Eleanor in a great Kennel for small dogs, where they always have a person there to take care of them, and they even have a TV on because most small dogs are used to having a TV on all the time. They get four ours outside everyday. The cages they have to be in overnight are huge for a dog the size if not smaller than a newborn baby. The size of a bunny is more accurate. It would only be three weeks. 21 days. My aunt Debbie would go to visit her at least once a week.

A positive part of being left alone for two months would be I rarely eat when I live by myself, I sit naked and do alot writing story after story. Some loosely based fiction, and alot of non fiction. Also I would have access to all my parents Credit cards. Well all two of them, and one debit card. I will loose weight which is never a bad thing, and I will have the privacy to bring a man to my house and fuck him. Gled did you ever want to visit Wisconsin in America. LOL! This probably embarrassed Gledwood. BTW, what is your real name Gled? Is it Gled?

So what do think about the new plans? Should I go with them right away, and say fuck the Methadone clinic, and just never come back? If my plans fall though as they are now, and when I visit them in Hawaii, and if I decide I don't want to stay there, because I want to move to New York City or anywhere else instead. I am a fickle person, but what if I come back to Wisconsin and stay here for a few months in between? I have no methadone, and the only way for me to feel normal is to use illegal drugs.

Do you think I should go with them right now? Leave with them on the 3rd? I need some feed back. I would like some feed back, but you don't have to comment. This blog is rather boring. As I've said before, like you people give a fuck about these mundane parts of my life. Who cares if I'm in a pickle over going to Hawaii of staying here and visiting my parents in Hawaii after I'm stabilized on my Methadone dose.

I thank you for reading my blog. I means alot to me, and to all my new followers, thank you. I should thank Shane aka Heroinhead for posting a link to my sight and for posting my ode to him on his blog. Shane has an amazing blog.


Anonymous said...

Anna, Do you know in Hawaii exactly where you will be living with your parents? Why can't you transfer to a clinic in Hawaii??? That is what I would do. BTW, Been on MMT since 1978, and I don't know if I could detox!!!!!!Are you exactly sure you will get the money you speak of?? Who else is in Hawaii that you know?? So, idk what to tell you. Take Care of yourself, Lordy you remind me so of myself when I was your age, and now I am old, 55 years old & can't go back, would I change anything! YES I sure would, except I do miss getting high

elizabeth said...

Since you seem to be the most comfortable on methadone I would do whatever it takes to maintain that. I would also try to get some p/t job or volunteer( if that would mess up your benefits), to just get out and be productive. I really believe doing something besides sitting at home would benefit you greatly. Give it a try, it can't hurt!!

Anonymous said...

Your always complaining that you are trapped by your parents. This is a chance to prove to them that you can live alone and stay out of trouble! Then just maybe they will set you free?

Gledwood said...

Hi Anna G ~~ only just got here, having spent the past 45 hours or so banging in an incredibly long post about heroin. Have a read and tell me whether it's crap. I called your beloved tar "dirty" I hope you are not offended. I found a picture with street deals of it. Surely the stuff is not really so black and ... well, "tar"ry. I am offended not to have a constant supply of China White. Brown is bad enough. But as for BLACK... It looks gross.

Back to Wisconsin: you are v frank about the methadone clinics etc etc.

You know the money you said ~ $750 dollars or whatever, so that's all in cash~? Do you get food stamps on top? How much can someone get selling those stamps?

I don't get why the alcoholics buy them so as NOT to be able to spend on booze? That is v noble of them.

The only such tokens I know of here are milk tokens given out free to pregnant and breastfeeding women. I think the philosophy is, give out free milk and the state spends less on dentistry. Pregnant women also get free fillings etc. Pregnancy sounds very inconvenient all round to me. but if I did get pregnant I would get my teeth done, and use that free milk to whip up lots of butterscotch Angel Delight, which is lovely (try it!! ~ also the beige colour is exactly the same as ..(!))

If it's going to cause so very much hassle probably it's best not to go with your parents.

Also, if you so much wanted to go in the future, couldn't you come along separately at some point?

Sounds to me it is worth staying behind and seeing how things go, and take it from there...

The 2nd anonymous comment makes a good point. I would give the situation you are being offered a chance and not alter the clinic situation. See how it goes, that's my advice ;-]...

Gledwood said...

by the way I don't think there is that much chance of my getting pregnant

about as much chance as Flapper and I changing places a la Freaky Friday and my flapping over to Wisconsin to see you

so if you DO wake up with a tubby pigeon on your windowsill coo-cooing to you, you know who it is!!

Gledwood said...

yes my name is gled!

Gledwood said...

Anna where are you?! come back!

It is quarter to 5pm in Wisconsin, quarter to one in the morning here.

Leave me a comment please!

Gledwood said...

Anna Grace it is 1:30 in the morning aka 6:30am here. It is so late (or early) that Flapper, who's back from his Paris trip, started cooing in the cherry tree again. Not long now till my chemist opens and I can pick up methadone. Not long until I HAVE to get up. Then I will want to sleep..! Where are you, what happened? Are you OK? Are you "emotionally challenged"? I sense you are. I sense you are not very happy at all. Is it the Bipolar Cycle or is it Hawaii? Would you feel any better out there? Be honest. I wish I could give decent advice, if you need it. But I can't. Because I am just an addict floundering in my own diarrhoea....
... I've got to go I'm so exhausted. Now tell me how has Wisconsin been..?

Gledwood said...

10:30pm? Well I got that one wrong, maths never was my strong point


AnnaGrace said...

Anon, I know Hawaii very well. I have lived there on and off for the past four years. My parents will be staying in a nice hotel until the traveling nurse agency finds an apartment for them. Yes, I'm sure I will get the money I speak of. I was getting it when I last lived there. I'm still on a waiting list to get a rent controlled apartment. I know many people in Hawaii. eg: Jake, Charlie, Harmony, Viviann, ect...

So at fifty five you still miss getting high. That sort of in a sick way makes me feel better. Knowing that as I age the cravings for Heroin will still be there. Our brain chemestry has been changed irreversablely. We need the dope to feel the way non addicts feel on a regular basis.

Oh yes, my parents will be living in Waikiki Beach area. Close to the Pacific Ocean.

AnnaGrace said...


I am taking your advice. I'm staying home and stablizing my phsycotropic medication along with my Methadone treatment. Me and Methadone have a love hate realationshipt. I love that it probably saved my life, and I hate that it keeps me from getting high.
As per a volenteering job, I think that is a great idea. Working at an animal shelter has always appealed to me. I'm not talking the Humane society because they put animals down, I'm talking a no kill shelter. The have on a half hour drive north of Oconto Falls where I live now.
Thanks for your input.

AnnaGrace said...

Anon #2,

Your right I am always complaining that my parents are keeping me trapped, and this is the perfect oppertunity to get away from them, and prove to them that I can make it on my own. Its hard to get into trouble in Oconto Falls, and knowing what's at stake if I do get to stay home alone for three months. I can prove to my parents that I can make it on my own. Then I can move to Hawaii by myself, or whatever city I decide on.

Thanks for your input also. It means alot to me.

AnnaGrace said...

Hmmm, where do I start. First off I appoligize for not answering any of your comments lastnight. I didn't log in after I wrote that post. I didn't think anyone would comment. Shows you how much I know.

Secondly,I can't wait for a-la Freaky Friday to come and you change into Flapper so you can come to Wisconsin and watch me undress in my bedroom everynight before bed.

Third, your correct I'm getting a bit depressed. Nothing compared to my last decent into depression where I was lost in a gray cloud of dispair. The cloud was so thick I couldn't find my way out except for Suicide. Which proving I'm an idiot didn't work. I think its mostly due to the whole Hawaii thing. I was the only one in the family that really wanted to return to Hawaii, now my parents are going and leaving me behind.
You are right though, agreeing with Anon#2. This is my chance to "prove myself". Plus I can always visit them, and when they come home I could just stay there, and live in a hostel. I will have already by then proved to my parents that I can make it on my own, with out finacial support from the, and without killing myself, or going back on dope. I can get myself to phase two at the Methadone clinic, meaning I had no postive UA's and now I get take home doses, and only have to go to the clinic three times a week instad of six times a week. When I have phases though, I start to think I can medicate myself as I please, and let my tolerance go down. If I let my tolerance go down, and I buy Heroin I would actually feel the rush. Start nodding out ect...
That is just fucked up thinking. I'm going to put that negative thinking right out of my head this instant.kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, sorry I nodded out there for a second. My Methadone dose was upped today, and I got my clonazepam perscripton filled yesterday, so I'm feeling the Methadone courseing though out my body right now.I just burnt a huge hole in a down pilliow, and feathers are getting everywhere. Gawd, when my parents get back they are going to be pissed. I think I'm going to duct tape the hole in the pilliow, and put a new pillow case on it. So I can't write much more even though I want to tell you everything and answer every question you have and then go over to read you blog. Soon(when you post that photo of yourself I have been begging for I'll have to post an ode to you. People are going to start to think I'm obsessed with you. They would be right, but I'm trying not to show that. Well I just outted myself so now you all know. I'm obsessed with Gledwood. Who I once called Glen. Do you remember that? I have to now, but I will finish up my comment back to you in a few mins. I will also be reading your blog and commenting on there.

Carrion Doll said...

I haven't been reading you long but based on what I have read and what my intuition says...stay in Wis.

Carrion Doll