Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Talking backwards, walking sidways, living upsidedown

I mentioned Charlie from Hawaii in my last Post, and well he called me. He said that he would be looking for a place that he and I can share (as friends) if and when I move down to Hawaii this Winter. I'm shooting for Feb. my birthday month. Charlie is not sure he will get a place by then, so I'm not sure if I do go down there (on my own) that I will have a place to live. Although I should have enough money. I just got four thousand dollars from back pay. Plus I will still get 675 for this month. Which I don't plan on spending a penny of. I'm no longer smoking. I refuse to pay 7 dollars for a pack of smokes that used to cost me 3 dollars. My parents are making me pay for my own cigarettes which is a very good reason to quit.

Today nothing new I can talk about. I'm loving taking care of my Marigolds, and onion plants that I used for the spell I put on Michale Pitt. I have to stay positive that I will someday meet Michale Pitt and that he will be drawn to me. It sorta of makes me giggle thinking about it, bit I have to believe it to make it real. Make fun all you want. I have a lot of spare time so I do some weird things . Like write things saying I eat my boogers. Instead of saying God Save the Queen.

Nothing new. So I'm done.
Lots of love for those of you who are reading

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sunday's suck. I don't take my methadone until later in the day. I took a long bike ride again today, except today I rode with my mom. Yesterday me and mom went shopping for a bike for her. I like her bike better than mine. Her's has handel bar brakes. Mine has pedel brakes. Both are beach crusiers. Still can't get Hawaii out of our heads. My dad is talking about going back to Hawaii for the winter no matter how far the house is. He is just dying to go back to Hawaii as am I. My mother is the only hold out. I've been online looking for places in my price range to live with a roommate, and that is around 380.00 dollars. So I would probably need two roommates. My old friend Charlie gave me his new phone number and I called him in Hawaii, but he didn't answer. I had forgotten its five hours behind us. I had called him at like three in the after noon, and which means its only 10am there, and he's probably just going to get his Methadone if he's still on it. He alway woke up late.

I used to call Charlie, Crazy Charlie because when he likes someone he puts his heart all the way out there. Unlike myself who only puts it out just enough to make sure its not going to get hurt. If it even thinks its going to get hurt, it hurts the others heart before my heart can be broken. Crazy Charlie is in alot of my 2008 and early 2009 posts. On a side note, I started smokeing Camel wides blue. They burn alot slower and have more tobacco in them. I am quitting smoking on July 5th. Any way Charlie's way of putting himself out there all the way to either be loved or hurt through and through is something I have never seen. I tried to explain to him that it was weird to me the way he approches a relationship. We were in a relationship in 2007 autum-winter until I left for Wisconsin. When I came back in 2008 I didn't want to be in a relationship any longer. I needed time to myself. Still I hung out with guys from Fort St. Mall. Fort St. Mall is where all the drugs were. Where I felt at home. I hung out there all day almost every day in 2007, in 2008 my parents were hip to my ways. So I could only spend my mornings there.
I left in 2008 in only because I had to, to get my SSI. I had warrents for my arrest from 2006 that needed to be taken care of before I could start getting my payments. So I flew home with my parents and turned myself in and did the 77 days in jail plus 19 in the nut house. Other wise I would have stayed in Hawaii .

All those people who hate me for being getting all their money for my SSI probably wish I would have never gotten my legal troubles cleared up. Ha ha ha ha. I'm riding the gravy train. To those of you who understand Bi Polar mental illness and those of us who can't find medications to stop the cycleing. Then sorry. 675 dollars is nothing in the wake of maddness.

Anyway, I'm not going anywhere with this. I just want to mention I bought a bunch of Marigolds yesterday and re potted them. I bought Marigolds because of the song that Kurt wrote before he died, and now its out there and rare find on tape deck. If you comb the internet you find it. If I knew how to pull up stuff from the internet I'd post the lyrics here and picturs of marigolds. Courtney tried to take credit for the song. But Kurt even said that he and Courtney often wrote music together. Pennyroyal Tea is a song that both Kurt and Courtney wrote. So I do believe that both Kurt and Courtney had a hand in the lyrics and music of Marigold. There is another title to the song, the chorus has marigold in it.

Fuck you Kurt for killing yourself.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I am my own enemy.

Its oppressively hot outside. Its nicer to sit inside in the airconditoner and read all day. I began ready Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. I can hardly put it down. Today I woke up at five am, and left at six am to make sure I'd miss Justin who comes at 7:30am on the dot every day to get his Methadone dose. I just really hope he is a good dad to his already born daughter and his soon to be born daughter. I can't imagine him as a dad, but I'm sure he is like any other parent who wants the best for their kids. I wonder if he knows that if he gets SSI his children get SSI too until they are 18. So 675 times 3 is what? I don't have a calculator. I'm not a human calculator.

I did watch a little Saved by the bell this morning. Groovy. I felt like a kid again. I can sing along to the song still. Not without it playing in the back round though. I borrowed my parents four thousand dollars today. I got a check for back dated income, and they needed it for the house, and they promise to pay me back before summer is over so I will have enough to go to Hawaii with. That is if I even go at all. We all know I'm terrified to go anywhere far away all by myself. If I find someone to go with me it will be simpler. Hopefully not a killer. With my luck it would be a killer.

My boobs feel big. Its nice to feel like I have big boobs for a night. Its what I'm wearing. Its a tank top, that leaves little to the imagination, but I look down and see my tits, and I put my hands all over them and they flop around and they make feel all tickle down "there".

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Kurt on LSD

It could just be a sugar cube, but how many people do you know that look sort of wasted and happy and have a sugar cube in their mouth that doesn't have a drop or two of LSD?

Pure specutlation. It might not even be a sugar cube. If you look at all the photos in this shoot, they are all sort of trippy.


My goodness people, I write one little sentence I loose a reader. Not to mention how many horrible comments I've gotten. Let me explain what I wrote. I for the first time in my blogging history tried to post a pic. on my blog, and it didn't work out. I couldn't make the blog go away. All I could do was to edit it. So the first thing that came to mind was that I pick my nose and eat it. I wish I had written God save the Queen or some other bull shit. I didn't know how apposed people are to others picking their nose and eating boogers. I admit it is gross, but not stop reading my blog "gross"! Ah if they don't get my sense of humor they don't belong here anyway.

On to new news. I've gotten over Justin. I saw him again this morning, and from now I am going to aim to miss meeting him at the clinic every morning. He obviously doesn't care about me. I was fooled. He wanted something from me, and I couldn't give him what he wanted. I didn't tell him I will have 10,000 dollars saved up by winter and that I'm going back to Hawaii, and he'd be perfect to go there with just as friends, while he got his SSI. Its worth going to Hawaii to get SSI because they pay you forever. I just told him it would be worth it to go to Hawaii to get SSI.

Then on my way home I said fuck him.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

This post was a mistake

God save the Queen. Bitches.

Protecter of the Camel

Two days no call from Justin. Not surprised at all. I scared him off by going straight to sex right away. I think the only reason he wanted to talk to me was because he over herd me say I got Social Security Disability and he wanted to know I how I did it.
I saw him today at the clinic not by accident. I woke up early and got dressed up. Like a retard. Usually I go to the clinic looking like a nightmare. My hair a mess, my close slept in. Today nope, clean close, perfume, eye makeup, my hair perfect. At first I pretended not to notice him, but after a few minutes I went over to him, and ask him if he wants Clonazepam. He says no he gets them from his mom when ever he wants.
Then he says, "So I herd your on SSI, how did you get that?" I told him, " I got it in Hawaii it was really easy, you should go there." What I wanted to say is I'll have 10,000 dollar saved up by this winter and you and I can go to Hawaii together, and you can work on getting SSI. No sex involved. Just so you never have to work again, and I can coach you. Did I say any of those things? Nope! I was just a dope!
To bad he'll never call so I can tell him all of this. Obsessed much? I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

Monday, June 21, 2010

I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes

Yesterday, Father's day. I was so fucking tired and I had no idea why. I had yet to take my dose and still was tired. I woke up early thow to give my dad his card. He almost started crying when he read it. I wrote in it, "Dad I love you very, very much, and I hope you never get old so you can take care of me forever." Love Anna Grace Young and Angie. Angie is my sister who died seven years ago. My dad never cries. the only time I've seen him cry was when he herd Angie died, and when we the immediate family were brought up to casket to say our last good byes before it was closed and she was buried. He gave her a kiss and cried uncontrollably. So did my mother and I. After the card giving we gave my dad a cake, and him and my mom ate some, then we watched whatever movie he wanted to watch. We couldn't go fishing the motor is broken and being fixed.

I stayed up for the movie mostly, but as soon as it was done I headed straight for my room and slept until 8pm. I woke up and apologized to my dad. He didn't mind. He had gone to the bar and made the rounds with his friends for a few hours during the day. My mom had to let him go, it was Father's day after all. I took my Methadone around 9p.m. and went back to sleep and woke up this morning at 6:30am. I was still yawning...wtf!

I left to go to the clinic by 7am. There was road construction and I had to drive pretty slowly. I still go there at 7:35am. When I walk in my Friends Natalie and Rory are there. They are old friends from my using days. I used to hook them up. Rory's Brother Jesse asked Rory to give me his number. Its a long story, but for your sake I'll try to shorten it up. Rory's brother is Jesse. Jesse is 30 something and has been with Melissa for a long time. My ex Pete was good friends with Melissa, and friends with Jesse by default. Melissa never liked me, and was always competing with me for Pete's attention. Turns out after Pete and I broke up I found out that right before Melissa and Jesse's wedding Pete and Mellisa had sex, and Pete was still with me at the time. Melissa ends up cheating on Jesse with all his friends, and getting knocked up by one of his friends. She moves out, and runs around for a year. Has the baby still runs around for a year, then things get tough the baby gets older and the daddy not helping. So Melissa runs back to Jesse. He lets her move back in. Just as friends, but after a year they get back together. They never got divorced so they are a married couple raising a child that just happens to be from another man. They buy a house with a yard, and turn into adults. Then Jesse's friend moves in because he's kicked out of where he is living. Melissa ends up cheating on Jesse with this guy who moved in the house, and Melissa tells Jesse to get out. So Jesse went to live with his brother and his brother's girlfriend, and is now asking me to call or text him. Weird. I brought it on myself. I told Natile that I thought he was hot when Pete and I were together and we would sleep there

Also and more importantly Justin Rose was in the clinic. He was right next to Me, Rory, and Natalie. Listening to us talking and we were talking it up. Natalie told me she was only at 8mgs of Methadone, and first thing that came to my mind is, "well shit you can shoot up and get high off dope now, the Methadone isn't at a blocking dose." She says, "Anna, I hope I don't do that." Everyone looks at me and Rory knowing me from my past says, "Anna your the person that would say that." First thing I think is Fuck after three or four years of Methadone treatment these people are getting healthy and I'm still thinking about getting high. Then I look around for a councilor to make sure none of them herd me say that and hold it against me. It would be just another strike against me. There were no councilors that I saw, so I tell Natalie I will "sext" Jesse. They laugh and go up to dose.

I look over at Justin Rose, and he asks me how my time on suboxone was, I told him I did it wrong and it was horrible. Then I say are you still with the girl who kicked my dog that night you wanted to beat up my ex boyfriend Pete? He says, "yes, she's crazy. By the way, I apologize for her for kicking your dog and for wanting to beat up Pete." I tell him I don't like his girlfriend even though she's the mother of his children. I guess I will respect that. Then his number gets called and he goes and doses. I am two numbers behind him. I don't think much of talking to him. He did tell me he is going down on his dose and going on suboxone. He's only at 20mgs now. The only thing I really did think about was I won't see him here much longer. Finally its my turn to dose. I go up dose, and walk out of the clinic. Who is still sitting there in his car waiting for me, but Justin Rose. Any of you who have read the post I wrote call "Justin is a Rose" know that by now my heart is pounding. Why is he sitting here waiting for me. He wants my phone number. I give him my mom's cell which is pretty much is my cell phone. I ask him if he really wants to start this up again. This secret love affair. He has a lot more to lose now. Plus I don't want to be killed by his girlfriend aka baby's mama. She fucking kicked my five pound dog who did nothing to her and who was defenceless. He said we don't have to have sex, we could just be friends, but he knows I like him more than that. It would be near impossible for me to be just friends. I want him to be happy, and I don't want to destroy his life. If he calls I'm going to ask how can we just be friends. And if we can just be friends will we have to hide it from his girlfriend.
I forgot how beautiful and deep blue his eyes are. They are piercing. What should I do? I'm asking my readers and lurkers to tell me what they think I should do. Am I a home wrecker if I decide to be Friends with him?

I told him we can't really talk here because the councilor's will think we are dealing drugs or something. So we left. I was right behind him. I stopped off at walmart and got myself a bike, and was crying the whole time. When I got home I rode that bike until my legs felt like rubber and now as I write they hurt like a bitch. I wonder if Justin will even call me? He hasn't yet.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Its about bloody fucking time I did this shit.

I've had this book of spells for ages, and I mean ages. At least two or three years. Does that qualify as ages? Anyway, I've been meaning to cast this spell upon Michale Pitt. A love spell. So that should we ever meet, he would immediately take to me. Like a fly to shit.

So after some time I get all the ingredients, soil, a new planters pot, onion bulbs to plant, and a magic, hopefully a really magic marker to write his name on this onion bulb with. I plant this onion bulb in the planter, and I say this little saying every night before bed, and when I wake up. Don't worry, I won't leave you in the dark as to my twice daily ritual is. I say, " May its roots grow, may its leaves grow, may its flowers grow, and as it does so Michale Pitt's love grow. Then your suppose to face the pot of planted onions in the direction in which he lives. I'm pretty sure Michale Pitt lives in New York City, New York. Its also suppose to be on my windowsill, but like my bedroom just happens to have a windowsill on the east facing side of the house. So I just sat it on the poarch visible from my room in an east facing direction.

Then there is the fucking Nurti-System diet. I've eaten all the good food for this month. I can't wait for next month when I get to pick out my own meals. No one else picks them out for me. No more chocolate raspberry bars, or pasta premiere over and over. And OMG, the had this Fettuccine Alfredo concoction and it was like eating vomit. So I just ate my salad, and my vegetables. I still refuse to weigh myself until I can tell I am loosing weight. I don't want to look down at the scale and be disappointed by all my cheats.

I know your all dieing to hear about my drug use. Well, I've been doing well. Just my Methadone, and my Clonazepam at night. My mom has taken over my Clonzepam and hid on me so I can not take it as it is prescribed three times a day or more as I would like it to be. My mom is in control of all my phsyc meds. I've been taking them regularly for about a month and a half now. I feel as stable as can be. Good in that department. No plans on suicide. I think about still, I was just fantasizing about before I opened the computer to blog. Just thinking of how nice it would not to have to bother with this losing weight shit, and putting spells on men that will never love me.

I should stick to Gled. He will be putting up a photo of himself tomorrow. Everyone go to his blog and see. We all get to see what he looks like. I'm so excited. I just can't hide it.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A really boring post...sorry.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't checked up on any blogs in a while either. I certainly hope that Gled has put up a photo of himself on his blog.

I do need some feed back. Am I being too harsh on Gled. Should I give him some privacy. If he doesn't want to show his face should he be forced to do so by me. He doesn't even have to post it he could email me it. Still he is a rather private person. Am I being a nosey bitch? I just want to put a face to the personality I've grown to enjoy and love. (Told you I'd bring you up in every blog I write)

The reason I haven't written in a while is because I got new linen for bed. Oh goodness is it nice. Its all this light fleece, very soft. I got a three new Palmyra candles. I have one lite, and its burning slowly so my room smells very sweet, I wash my juiced stained sheet, my pillow cases, my blanket, my throw blanket that is also a soft micro fiber. I got a extra pillow that is covered in micro fiber. You might say I'm obsessed with micro fiber.

I gave my room an enema. I cleaned under the bed, around the bed, behind the dressers in the coroners, dusted everything that needed it and didn't need it. I also got some black micro fiber pjs, and a downloaded a good book on my nook. So for the past two or three days I've been holed up in my room laying bed reading and sleeping. The weather is perfect for it too. rain all week. Pouring rain. I could hear it on our tin roofs. Every now and again I would hear thunder. I never looked up from my book long enough to see the lighting.

My baby girl Eleanor( my dog) who would never sleep on my old bed, now she sleeps by me. She prefers soft things, and my bed is mighty soft. So she snuggles up to me and we cuddle. She licks my toes and belly button, and I pet her ears, and her little neck, and chin. I scratch her all over and she stands in this weird position makes this weird little face and braces herself for the scratch. When I stop she paws at me to do it again. She's only five pounds I feel like I'm going to hurt her, but she loves to be man handled.

No I haven't "flicked my bean" in my new comfortable room. A room I once thought of as a cell and now think of as a place of decadence. I'm still on my Nurti-System diet, but every night instead of having their preplanned chocolate snack I have my own snack. I buy a king size Mallocup, and every night after a gross dinner I have my chocolate delight. One Mallocup!

With my new diet I've started smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. I pull myself out of my bedroom and put on a pair of sweat pants with holes in them that are purple, and a t-shirt that has a photo image of Nirvana on it, and it looks like one of their posters. Says something about a show and Seattle and 1991. Every day I dress up in this garb and go for a long walk down these country roads. I think the Ritalin has given me the get up and go to exercise, but the dose is too low to keep the food cravings at bay. I don't cheat like I used to, but I still have my own chocolate at the end of the day not the recommended candy they have on the list that we eat. I'm hoping as we go up on my dose that I will have little to no appetite, and lots of get up and go.

All this is boring, but really my life is boring as hell. I work out, I eat, I read, I sleep, I journal, I write really bad poetry.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Some will say I'm a junky

This morning I left the house at 5:50am, and thought I was going to be late to an 8:50am appointment with my phsyc doc. First I had to go to the Methadone clinic and get my dose. I was prepared to be sitting there twittling my thumbs waiting for my number to be called, but I walk in to the clinic, and this morning its a ghost town. Not a single other person was there to dose. So I go straight to the window and dose. I'm done by 6:30am. I figure that's okay because I don't quite remember how to get there, so I have to drive around and find it. Well I find it by 7am. So I pull in the parking lot. The rain is comming down so hard I can't see in front of me. Its perfect out. So I shut off the car crack the window, pull out my nook and smokes, and read until 8:50am.

I get into see the Doc early. We talk about how I'm feeling. I tell him the truth. I'm pretty steady. No real low, lows, and no real high, highs since I started back on my medication. Then he said these magic words. He is perscibing me Rittalin, and Topamax, all in order for me to loose weight. I've gone thru hundereds of docs trying to get stimulants out of them to loose weight and they would never do it. This guy didn't even give it a second thought.

Since I admitted that I'm terrifed of moving far away by myself, I was wondering if anyone would want to move away with me to Hawaii this winter if my parents don't follow thru with there plans. I want these stimulants to get their job done, then move, and am hopeing if I have the perscription already then my doc in Hawaii will fall in line. Knock on wood. Next I'm going to need sleeping pills.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My angel wings are brusied and dismayed


My only friend is the computer. I'm terrified of moving anywhere far away by myself. I whine all the time. I'm on Nurti System(Gled this is a diet program in the states) Everyday I wait for an email from some perfect person who will tell me they love me. Instead I get emails and comments telling me how horrible I am for getting Social Security Disability insurance, and not working. I write every day even when I'm not blogging. I write chapters of my book first in long hand, then I type it out. I write it long hand first so I can change words, and sentence structure to make it hopefully better. I fill a 200 page journal in a month. I can write about myself all day long. No matter how thin I am, I always feel fat. Right now I feel really fat. I've cheated on my diet twice now, and I've only been on it two days. The only two people that truly love me for who I am are my parents. Others only love me because I sort of a social path and mold myself to what they want me to be. I can't be social path because I feel emotions, I wish I were a social path so I could be numb without needing opiates. I know I'm spelling Sociopath wrong. Social path wtf is that your probably wondering. Ahhh, I'm just stupid. No need to elaborate.

Enough truths. If I tell you all my truths you'd run to a different blog in a nanosecond. The reason I haven't blogged in a few days is because the day after my last post blogger would not let me into my page. Blogger said something about my blog being updated too frequently. I don't know! The day after that I was busy finishing that damn book that I hated about the model. Fuck I don't even remember the name of the book. The third day...yesterday I went to Appleton WI a forty five minute drive from my home in Oconto Falls WI, and we went to the mall where I bought a Nirvana T-shirt. Then I went to see Sex in the City 2. When I got home I laid down and fell asleep until this morning. This morning I woke up at 7 as I normally do these days and I ate my pre selected Nurti System breakfast, put on some makeup and drove too fast to the Methadone clinic. Where I dosed and made an appointment with my councilor for Monday at 9am. I came home and was pleasantly surprised that my email box was much fuller than usual. So I read all my email, most comments from this blog. I was happy that people noticed I was missing. After I'm done with this blog I'm going to go catch up with everyone else's blogs that I love, and see if Gled put up a photo of himself yet. Until he does I won't stop mentioning him in my blogs. That is a promise. I swear on my sister's grave I will find a way to mention you. Oh yes, and I only read your Volume 2 main blog so the photo has to go there. "I'm ugly but I don't mind cause so are you we broke our mirrors". Song Lithium, album Nevermind, lead singer Kurt D. Cobain.

In other Anna news, I've been thinking about my past suicide attempt, and I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, scared(at how close I came), mad, disappointed, and many more conflicting emotions. The reason I bring this up, is because on my way to the clinic I couldn't get the thoughts about my suicide attempt out of my head. Mainly I was remembering the part where I first became aware that I was alive and had failed, but I was still not out of the woods. I woke up and had no control over my muscles. I would try to move my arm, but my leg would move. It was the most scary thing I've ever felt my body do. I just have to remember that and suicide by overdose is not the way out. The way of the gun is the only way to go. Not to worry, I'm not thinking about killing myself anytime soon, or even at all. I think about suicide alot, but not planning it out like I did before. Has anyone else who reads this blog ever attempted suicide? If so how did you feel after?

I must go now, I'm very tired already. I can't seem to get to a steady dose that keeps from getting ill and keeps me from nodding out. Its either too high or too low. I am able to sleep again. I used to be so worried that wouldn't come back, but it did.

Love to all who read.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


This morning started with my mother waking me up with her nasal voice. I had to get up because my aunt Debbie was at our house and we were going to be leaving to go out for Sunday lunch. Of course my mom got me up at 9am when we didn't have to leave until 11am. Of course I love my aunt Debbie I get up not wanting to be rude. That's all that happened so far today. I just took my Methadone dose and its 1:10pm.

Lately in the household my Methadone dose has become a huge problem. Every day if I'm sitting in the living room with my father and I feel the least bit sleepily and let my eyes shut for a second longer than a blink, my father screams at me. "Get out of my sight you drug addict, all you care about is drugs. "How many Milligrams are you at on your methadone, 300mgs." A rhetorical question, I don't even bother to answer, I just go to my room and get cozy and fall asleep. Lately I sleep alot, mainly because it keeps the constant harassment off my back.

I don't think my father knows how lucky he is that I'm on Methadone at all. I could be out there shooting dope and battery acid into my veins. Well, maybe not lucky. I'm still hooked, but I'm not getting high "constantly". On occasion if I take a benzo with my Methadone I nod out a bit and my speech gets slurred. "His speech is slurred and I only understand every other word."(sorry I put that in there, its from an Elliot Smith song, and it remind me of my fucking life) Sure my room is covered in cigarette burns because I fall asleep with a cigarette in my hand. I get that I'm a disappointment to my parents, and it hurts me that I can't be what they want, but its causing me mental anguish as I'm sure my behavior is causing them sever mental anguish. The only way to get past this is too move out.

Which brings me to segment three. My parents are no longer going to Hawaii for my mom's job. They are going to finish the house first, and then all three of us will go, and I will get my own place there. Our house will be ready in September. So this winter I'm still going to Hawaii no matter if my parents change their minds yet again. I think my parents and myself will find it less stressful if we weren't always so close. If we had a few thousand miles between us it would make us appreciate each other a lot more. God, even if we had a few miles between us we would be less likely to kill each other.

Sorry I can't go on, my dad will be screaming at me in a little bit because I often nod out while blogging lately and I'll fall asleep on the keypad. So I'm going to read this book. I hate the book, but I have nothing better to do. The book is about this model who is married to the lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots aka STP. She's whining about how hard it was growing up a model and being in the party scene at sixteen in LA. How she got hooked on Heroin. wah, wah. Somebody shoot me.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Anonymous. I know I should just let it go, but...

I get money from the government for being Bi Polar. I cannot work, my moods cycle, and with every job I've ever had I was fired for saying something inappropriate. When I'm in a manic state I say what is one my mind, its like I don't have a censor in my brain keeping editing my thoughts. What goes through my head comes out my mouth. Then there are times I get so depressed I physically cannot pull myself out of bed. This is something most of my anonymous commenter's can't fathom, because they have no idea what it is like to have a mental illness that is debilitating.

Another thing is I'm not buying fucking drugs. Every drug I take is prescribed to me. I'm on Methadone, which if you don't understand the reason they use methadone to keep you off Heroin, you have no idea what my blog is about and may as well go read something else, something that you find appropriate. You anonymous people are like those bible thumpers who think its wrong when a person gets a sex change, and you shame them and tell them that they are an abomination to god.

If my blog is so horrible and you think I should die, then why do you read it? Is it that hard to stay away from my blog? I know plenty of people who think its easier to just not read my blog. I totally understand that, but people who just want to degrade me for being me is just plain mean.

Just because I don't want to live my life as a worker bee, and can't. Just because I don't want to be rich, and don't think that money brings happiness does not make me a bad person. Other people judge me because I'm an addict, as far as that goes I could care less what any of you think. It is a choice I made and its something I will never regret. Opiates have found a place in my life that I'm comfortable with, a place that I want them to be in my life, the only way anyone will stop me is over my cold dead body. I know and am fine with the fact that either the life choices I've made with using opiates, or the opiates themselves will kill me.

I have my fair share of insecurities, but taking money from all "hard working folk" doesn't bother me in the least, because I need that money to survive. I make 786 dollars a month. Not very much. Right now I'm living with my parents and saving all that money. When I have a comfortable amount saved up I'm moving out of this one horse town, and probably back to Hawaii.

To that person who left a comment back to Noah, (by the way thank you to everyone who has stuck up for me. I have mostly a very nice, honest, caring , sympathetic, and funny readers.) who says the reason they don't leave their name is because they can't have their name or email address associated with this blog, well just go away. If you can't even be associated with this blog what the fuck makes you want to read it. Are you deep down a wanna be junky?

That's enough. I know I shouldn't give these anonymous commenter's the time of day, but I let shit get to me. Plus I had so many people who's blog that I read stand up for me it makes the hurtful comments less hard to bear. These people who leave these rude, mean comments actually keep me from blogging. Why should I let these people keep me from writing? That's just plain stupid. I am grateful for every comment I get, bad or good. I have to be. Even the haters have a place in my heart. The fact is no matter how much I disagreed with another person's life style I wouldn't leave hurtful comments. I would just tell them my view. Allow them to comment back, and look at it from their prospective. If I still don't agree with them I stop reading because I know it will get me all worked up.

To all my followers, thank you for reading. I really do appreciate it. I'm sorry I'm such a contradiction.

All my love,
Anna Grace Young

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

nod nod nod nod

The morning sky looms gray with threats of rain on the wind. A perfect day in my eyes. I realize that in Hawaii it is a very rare day when the clouds fill the sky, and rain threatens to pour from those clouds. I'm working hard on finding good reasons for not moving to Hawaii with my parents. There aren't many aside from not being able to come back to Green Bay and get Methadone from the clinic and grey days with threats of rain. Other than that Hawaii's sun keeps me from locking myself in the house and gets me out and lets me meet new people. While I'm here in Oconto Falls alone, my parents in Hawaii, I will let myself sink into depression. Letting the gray days fill the hole that is inside of me. I'm not at all suicidal now, and I am going to stay on my medication to ensure that my thoughts don't become obsessive suicidal thoughts like I did a few months ago.

I'm sorry I can't complete this blog. My Methadone dose is too high, and I'm nodding out, and my parents are watching as I nod out. I'm getting screamed at by my father. He is frustrated with me and I understand why. I'm going to go down on my dose. Probably back to 70 milligrams. The Clonazepam isn't helping me at all. It makes me nod out worse than I usually do. I can't stand to hurt my parents like this. Maybe while they are gone I will go up to 100mgs, but while mom and dad are here I'm going down on my dose. I can't hurt them anymore. It hurts me to hurt them.

it hurts my blogging too. I can't stay awake to blog. I feels nice to nod though. God help me;