Monday, June 21, 2010

I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes

Yesterday, Father's day. I was so fucking tired and I had no idea why. I had yet to take my dose and still was tired. I woke up early thow to give my dad his card. He almost started crying when he read it. I wrote in it, "Dad I love you very, very much, and I hope you never get old so you can take care of me forever." Love Anna Grace Young and Angie. Angie is my sister who died seven years ago. My dad never cries. the only time I've seen him cry was when he herd Angie died, and when we the immediate family were brought up to casket to say our last good byes before it was closed and she was buried. He gave her a kiss and cried uncontrollably. So did my mother and I. After the card giving we gave my dad a cake, and him and my mom ate some, then we watched whatever movie he wanted to watch. We couldn't go fishing the motor is broken and being fixed.

I stayed up for the movie mostly, but as soon as it was done I headed straight for my room and slept until 8pm. I woke up and apologized to my dad. He didn't mind. He had gone to the bar and made the rounds with his friends for a few hours during the day. My mom had to let him go, it was Father's day after all. I took my Methadone around 9p.m. and went back to sleep and woke up this morning at 6:30am. I was still!

I left to go to the clinic by 7am. There was road construction and I had to drive pretty slowly. I still go there at 7:35am. When I walk in my Friends Natalie and Rory are there. They are old friends from my using days. I used to hook them up. Rory's Brother Jesse asked Rory to give me his number. Its a long story, but for your sake I'll try to shorten it up. Rory's brother is Jesse. Jesse is 30 something and has been with Melissa for a long time. My ex Pete was good friends with Melissa, and friends with Jesse by default. Melissa never liked me, and was always competing with me for Pete's attention. Turns out after Pete and I broke up I found out that right before Melissa and Jesse's wedding Pete and Mellisa had sex, and Pete was still with me at the time. Melissa ends up cheating on Jesse with all his friends, and getting knocked up by one of his friends. She moves out, and runs around for a year. Has the baby still runs around for a year, then things get tough the baby gets older and the daddy not helping. So Melissa runs back to Jesse. He lets her move back in. Just as friends, but after a year they get back together. They never got divorced so they are a married couple raising a child that just happens to be from another man. They buy a house with a yard, and turn into adults. Then Jesse's friend moves in because he's kicked out of where he is living. Melissa ends up cheating on Jesse with this guy who moved in the house, and Melissa tells Jesse to get out. So Jesse went to live with his brother and his brother's girlfriend, and is now asking me to call or text him. Weird. I brought it on myself. I told Natile that I thought he was hot when Pete and I were together and we would sleep there

Also and more importantly Justin Rose was in the clinic. He was right next to Me, Rory, and Natalie. Listening to us talking and we were talking it up. Natalie told me she was only at 8mgs of Methadone, and first thing that came to my mind is, "well shit you can shoot up and get high off dope now, the Methadone isn't at a blocking dose." She says, "Anna, I hope I don't do that." Everyone looks at me and Rory knowing me from my past says, "Anna your the person that would say that." First thing I think is Fuck after three or four years of Methadone treatment these people are getting healthy and I'm still thinking about getting high. Then I look around for a councilor to make sure none of them herd me say that and hold it against me. It would be just another strike against me. There were no councilors that I saw, so I tell Natalie I will "sext" Jesse. They laugh and go up to dose.

I look over at Justin Rose, and he asks me how my time on suboxone was, I told him I did it wrong and it was horrible. Then I say are you still with the girl who kicked my dog that night you wanted to beat up my ex boyfriend Pete? He says, "yes, she's crazy. By the way, I apologize for her for kicking your dog and for wanting to beat up Pete." I tell him I don't like his girlfriend even though she's the mother of his children. I guess I will respect that. Then his number gets called and he goes and doses. I am two numbers behind him. I don't think much of talking to him. He did tell me he is going down on his dose and going on suboxone. He's only at 20mgs now. The only thing I really did think about was I won't see him here much longer. Finally its my turn to dose. I go up dose, and walk out of the clinic. Who is still sitting there in his car waiting for me, but Justin Rose. Any of you who have read the post I wrote call "Justin is a Rose" know that by now my heart is pounding. Why is he sitting here waiting for me. He wants my phone number. I give him my mom's cell which is pretty much is my cell phone. I ask him if he really wants to start this up again. This secret love affair. He has a lot more to lose now. Plus I don't want to be killed by his girlfriend aka baby's mama. She fucking kicked my five pound dog who did nothing to her and who was defenceless. He said we don't have to have sex, we could just be friends, but he knows I like him more than that. It would be near impossible for me to be just friends. I want him to be happy, and I don't want to destroy his life. If he calls I'm going to ask how can we just be friends. And if we can just be friends will we have to hide it from his girlfriend.
I forgot how beautiful and deep blue his eyes are. They are piercing. What should I do? I'm asking my readers and lurkers to tell me what they think I should do. Am I a home wrecker if I decide to be Friends with him?

I told him we can't really talk here because the councilor's will think we are dealing drugs or something. So we left. I was right behind him. I stopped off at walmart and got myself a bike, and was crying the whole time. When I got home I rode that bike until my legs felt like rubber and now as I write they hurt like a bitch. I wonder if Justin will even call me? He hasn't yet.


Anonymous said...

I think the term is 'home wrecker' but from your writing it seems to be him who is issuing the invitations. Just go with what feels right for you Anna. You'll know if it's right or not. Good luck which ever way it turn out...

Randy S.

Gledwood said...

Anna your life is complicated. I gotta read this right through from the start b4 I say anything

Gledwood said...

Bikes are quite expensive. Good on ya for saving up your state money thing whatever it's called. What kind of bike was it? A mountain bike? You just bought one like that... is it any good?
This guy... o I don't know.
Re the phraseology a family wrecker is a home wrecker..//..a home-wrecker wrecks families too==//==same thing.
Those girls sound hard work.
Kicked your dog. What. Hard? Did the doggie yelp? What did she do?... Run and hide behind you? Hey wouldn't it be good if the doggie went and savaged her, hahahar! My friend Welshcakes's dog got a fur-cut 2 days ago. Simi. She looks so cute. You can see her here, looking all golden and lovely...
go and have a look, everybody is leaving the dog comments. And have you ever seen a dog look so golden and amazing? Wow. I want one like her, but Simi is Porkshire terrier crossbreed, so the cross is a mystery...
I know I should be concentrating on whether or not you should be a homewrecker... but isn't it HIM offering... Anna I don't know. Go with the flow. See what transpires. But come and see Simi at that link and please leave her a comment

Gledwood said...

Can I just say on a more serious note, you talk about heroin as if you want to use all the time, and I assumed you weren't using because you were in the middle of nowhere as some kind of junkie punishment. Now from where I'm standing it seems like it's not quite so hard to go out and score, if you really wanted to. But you don't want to. Maybe you don't even see that, but I do.
What did you do with that Superman bag the guy gave you when you were gauwching in the shopping mall?
Have you still got that other 0.1g you said you have?
Please answer. I'm a junkie. I'm fascinated to know these details...

Don't forget to visit Simi. Such a golden dog I guarantee you never have seen:

... and don't forget to say hello to her ;-)...

AnnaGrace said...

I'll have to re read and see what I said instead of home wrecker. Oh fuck this blog was really bad as far as spelling and grammar errors. Embarassing. Thanks though.

AnnaGrace said...

I'm definatly going to check out your freinds link and leave a comment. I promise.

She kicked my dog for no good reason. I think it was because she knew that Justin and I had a past. It had been a while since I had seen Justin that night and it was after I gone back to Pete after leaving Justin because Pete was a more stable money sorce for dope. So I didn't leave him because I wanted to. She knew it. She had made him go to the bathroom with her that night so we would never be alone together.
So when we got to the place I was staying and where Pete was not, she decided to kick my dog. BITCH! My dog can and coward next to me. I picked her up, and a big fight started out, Justin trying to beat up Pete because of the past.

My bike was only 75 dollars. Its a baby blue beach cruiser. I like it very much, but my theighs hurt like a bitch right now.

I still haven't used that bit of Heroin in the Superman bag. Even when I was on the Suboxne I was afraid I'd use it and waste it because the Naloxone in it would keep me from getting high, or my Methadone levels would still be too high and I wouldn't get high. Either way I was fucked. I'm saving that baby for just the right moment. I am cut off. I have no source to get dope right now. In Hawaii I has souce and I got dope, and Xanax. I didn't talk about the Heroin so much because my family reads this blog and they like to tell my parents when I say something like, "I'm shooting junk". Assholes I know.

elizabeth said...

Anna, I think you should leave it alone.
You have enough on your plate already.
My opinion only.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Anna. Thanks for visiting Simi and me. I was very touched by what you wrote about your father. Hope you have fun on your bike!

Anonymous said...

no you shouldn't, he'd do the same thing to you.

AnnaGrace said...

I do have a lot on my plate right now, and should focus on learning to love myself before I love someone else.

I just have to look in his eyes and all that is thrown out the window.

Thanks for the advise. I will heed it.

AnnaGrace said...

No problem comming over to your site. Your dog is super cute. I'm glad Gled turned me on to it. I will have fun riding my bike. It hurt my legs pretty bad. My muscels hurt today.

AnnaGrace said...

Once a cheater always a cheater. Thing is I'm a cheater too. I'm at a loss.

Carrion Doll said...

Sounds like the whole Justin thing is better off left alone. You know deep down what is the best course of action here.
To be perfectly honest (since you did ask our opinion), I think if you decide start up contact with him again, you are setting yourself up for more heartache and a bad situation. But if you are anything like me, you will go against better judgment and do what you want instead of what you know is best.
Maybe if you could keep it at the occasional text or phone convo, you can learn to be just friends. But you would really have to stick with OCCASIONALLY. Do what is best for you hun. I know I always have to learn the hard way in these situations but at 34 I am FINALLY starting to not repeat old mistakes and staying away from old behavior that has proven time and again to be trouble.
OK so thats my two cents, aint worth much but hope it helps.

CindyB1 said...

Leave him alone, this is nothing but asking for trouble. If he was not living with the baby momma, it may be different. But the way things are it just isn't right and will only cause everyone involved problems. Be smart, stay away from him.