Thursday, June 10, 2010

My angel wings are brusied and dismayed


My only friend is the computer. I'm terrified of moving anywhere far away by myself. I whine all the time. I'm on Nurti System(Gled this is a diet program in the states) Everyday I wait for an email from some perfect person who will tell me they love me. Instead I get emails and comments telling me how horrible I am for getting Social Security Disability insurance, and not working. I write every day even when I'm not blogging. I write chapters of my book first in long hand, then I type it out. I write it long hand first so I can change words, and sentence structure to make it hopefully better. I fill a 200 page journal in a month. I can write about myself all day long. No matter how thin I am, I always feel fat. Right now I feel really fat. I've cheated on my diet twice now, and I've only been on it two days. The only two people that truly love me for who I am are my parents. Others only love me because I sort of a social path and mold myself to what they want me to be. I can't be social path because I feel emotions, I wish I were a social path so I could be numb without needing opiates. I know I'm spelling Sociopath wrong. Social path wtf is that your probably wondering. Ahhh, I'm just stupid. No need to elaborate.

Enough truths. If I tell you all my truths you'd run to a different blog in a nanosecond. The reason I haven't blogged in a few days is because the day after my last post blogger would not let me into my page. Blogger said something about my blog being updated too frequently. I don't know! The day after that I was busy finishing that damn book that I hated about the model. Fuck I don't even remember the name of the book. The third day...yesterday I went to Appleton WI a forty five minute drive from my home in Oconto Falls WI, and we went to the mall where I bought a Nirvana T-shirt. Then I went to see Sex in the City 2. When I got home I laid down and fell asleep until this morning. This morning I woke up at 7 as I normally do these days and I ate my pre selected Nurti System breakfast, put on some makeup and drove too fast to the Methadone clinic. Where I dosed and made an appointment with my councilor for Monday at 9am. I came home and was pleasantly surprised that my email box was much fuller than usual. So I read all my email, most comments from this blog. I was happy that people noticed I was missing. After I'm done with this blog I'm going to go catch up with everyone else's blogs that I love, and see if Gled put up a photo of himself yet. Until he does I won't stop mentioning him in my blogs. That is a promise. I swear on my sister's grave I will find a way to mention you. Oh yes, and I only read your Volume 2 main blog so the photo has to go there. "I'm ugly but I don't mind cause so are you we broke our mirrors". Song Lithium, album Nevermind, lead singer Kurt D. Cobain.

In other Anna news, I've been thinking about my past suicide attempt, and I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, scared(at how close I came), mad, disappointed, and many more conflicting emotions. The reason I bring this up, is because on my way to the clinic I couldn't get the thoughts about my suicide attempt out of my head. Mainly I was remembering the part where I first became aware that I was alive and had failed, but I was still not out of the woods. I woke up and had no control over my muscles. I would try to move my arm, but my leg would move. It was the most scary thing I've ever felt my body do. I just have to remember that and suicide by overdose is not the way out. The way of the gun is the only way to go. Not to worry, I'm not thinking about killing myself anytime soon, or even at all. I think about suicide alot, but not planning it out like I did before. Has anyone else who reads this blog ever attempted suicide? If so how did you feel after?

I must go now, I'm very tired already. I can't seem to get to a steady dose that keeps from getting ill and keeps me from nodding out. Its either too high or too low. I am able to sleep again. I used to be so worried that wouldn't come back, but it did.

Love to all who read.


Anonymous said...

Can you buy Nutrisystem with your food stamps? I bet you can't. Your parents probably get it for you while you sell your food stamps to buy cigarretts, you leech.

Anonymous said...

I really don't understand why people post mean things! I'm sure you no perfect anon so quit judging. If you don't like what you read why not just go away?

Anna I have been a lurker for a long time. Have no clue really how I came along to your blog but I really enjoy reading. I hope one day you can beat your addiction 100% and love yourself for who you are.


Anonymous said...

i tried suicide and still find myself obsessing over it, even though i have no deisre to try it again. i think once you go down that route of thinking its so easy to become engrossed in it. i now am unnervingly at ease with death and find it comforting to have the "dark thoughts". i felt for so long that i had no control over my depression and was doomed to feel like shit forever, that i find a reasurrance in the fact that i have the option (and guts) to end it all..its weird i guess to people that haven't been down there, but i have suffered with depression from a child and was only diagnosed when i was 19. so the negative thought process is more natural to me than the positive one. i sometimes find it a struggle to keep on the up, but over the last few years and countless therapy exercises and dedication, i am starting to reach a good place, not perfect but a happy medium. i used opiates for a few years but realised that they were controlling me just like the mental illness was, so i knuckled down with whatever therapy methods helped and with any creative outlet that kept me focussed and let me express myself and i came out on top. you just have to recognise your flaws, accept them as part of you, don't be ashamed or embarrassed by them and let yourself be YOU. i had no self esteem and had in my mind a fantasy version of who i wanted to be, but i could never be that person and it made me very very depressed. you just can't paper over your true self with some fabricated persona, so i thought its either time to start being me or i was gonna end up dead. we are all unique in our own wonderful way, you just have to find your spark and believe its beautiful :)
that was a bit deep for this time of night haha. much love, L x

evelyn said...

i tried suicide but was dumb enough to botch it. i know its only a matter of time until i do it again and this time there will be no room for failure. without going into details i remember the peace i felt as i was drifting away from this conscious world and it was beautiful. i want to live in that peaceful world away from all this filth forever.

and you also stole the pit of my stomach from kurt. give credit.

AnnaGrace said...

Anon #1

AnnaGrace said...

Anon #2
I think anon#1 was the funniest comment I've gotten in a while. Yet I do get really mean one's telling me kill myself and that I'm a horrid writer and shouldn't blog ect...
NOw that I just don't understand. Thank you.

AnnaGrace said...

I also find a comfort in the dark thoughts. I find comfort in being sad. ( I have to give that one to kurt seems people are noticing when I take words from him which I should stop).

I also strugle with feelings of I'll never be positive, and have to really try to look at something in a positive way. I'm a pessimistic person. Pretty much everything you commented about I can identify with. You should write a rock album and I'd fall in line to buy it because I'm an American Idiot. BTW I hate Green Day, sorry. Sorry about all the band references. I really mean it, I am controlled by my addiction, and by my mental illness. I'm starting talk therepy on June 17th. I'm hopeing to get something out of that.

AnnaGrace said...

Evelyn. I love your name. Just so you know I don't want you to die. I do sort of know how you feel though. It was less than two months that I botched my own suicide attempt. Really I can't know exactly how you feel, because we are all diffrent. You could be on the edge of a razor blade or bitting the end of a shotgun right now. I know enough that I can't save you not matter how hard I try. Even if I restrain you physically you could pretend to get better then the next day I could find you hanging from the celing.
On to something else. I didn't even think of that as Kurt's words, because he would have said from the pit of my nauses, burning stomach.I was totally unaware of that pit of my stomach comment. I guess I obsess over him so much that his words are becoming subconsioulsy apart of my vocab.
I hope you feel better. Remember Kurt said, "Trying to be somebody else is a waste of the person that you are" I think when I found those words that I took them to heart, and realized I don't have to please anybody. You are you, and I am me. We shouldn't try be anyone but who we are. I certinly don't love who I am, but I may as well embrass it. Right?

Anonymous said...

Oh come on!! why you anons bitch so much?
if she wants to quote kurt LET HER DO IT why she has to give credit all the time???? I mean... wtf? she already says in many posts she is kind of obsessed with him.. who are you to tell her what to do and what not to??? god!
Anna your writing is really interesting..
I used to think about suicide only to feel better thinking that if something was too much to handle I would end it by killing myself.. never really trying to do it but thinking about it gave me a little bit of peace.
Hope Anna!
good luck!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anonymous #1,
You're clearly a republican asshole. Fuck you.


Love returned, my dear.


Gledwood said...

I thought i left a comment! HO-HUMMM

What's the big problem with getting Social Security? I just don't get it...

ps if you moved out of home, or had nowhere else to live, do they have a system like Housing Benefit, where they pay rent..?

Gledwood said...

Talking of Republicans, do any of you listen to Rush Limbo or whatever the berk is called?

I thought it was a top-rated radio show, so I brought it up online and man! So boring boring BORING.

People phoning in to say: I'm from Texas and I'm a Conservative...

To which Rush Limbodancer replies: Thank you very much.

And that's it. And so the show goes on.

No topic. Just an endless rant from him and a few dull-as-dishwater callers.

I emailed in but I doubt he even knows where London is ...

His hogwash half-day (that's how long the show felt it lasted. A good 12 hours, if not longer) would never in a million years get on any radio station here. He wants to try listening to Vanessa Feltz. Get some idea of what a PROPER phone-in show is like...

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Hey Anna,

I've been a lurker too for awhile (came through Gledwood). I have to say that some of the comments left here are super vicious and it's not right. To anon #1 you sound like every right wing ahole I have ever met. A person's life experience is their own, you don't know what led them to this point, therefore, you can't generalize which is exactly what you've done.

Anna - I hope peace finds you someday soon.


Noah said...

Hiya Anna-Li-Loo,

How many milligrams are you taking daily now? My friend J is up to 125mgs and he tells me that if he wants to go higher he has to take a 'peak and trough test', it's a blood test that tells the high & low concentrations of 'done in your body. This way they supposedly can tell if he really needs more or not. I did some research on the web and most folks say it is BS and clinics use it as a dose limiter.

Rush is an loud obnoxious lying hypocritical blowhard. How anyone can listen to that moron is beyond me. Total wanker.

AnnaGrace said...

My dose is at 95mgs right now. I can go up to 100mgs before I get my peak and tropht test. Everything I've read about P&T test's is BS. Which I often bring up.

I'm going up slowly now, I stayed at 90 until I was not nodding then I upped to 95 and it took less time to stop nodding. My father tho, still on my ass about it.

AnnaGrace said...

Anon# four,
Thanks for your support. I am so sick of people ragging on me from taking something from Kurt's mouth. I am completely and utterly obsessed with him. I can't help myself.

AnnaGrace said...

Mucho luv back at you. Your always there with the support. Your an awsome sarcastic bastard.

AnnaGrace said...


First off Rush Limbau is a hippocrite, he used to rag on drug addicts, and it turned he was one himself. He was hooked on Oxyconitin.

About my Socail Security,if I get kick out of the house or if I even decide to leave there are places for people with Socail security that have a sliding scale rent fee. Depending on how much you make a month on SSDI. These places are usually filled with old people, but I'm down with elders of the community. They know a hell of a lot more than I do. I respect knowlage.

AnnaGrace said...

Reeny where ever on Big Brother? If its you, WOW! Sorry you didn't win.
If your a even better Renny nevermind the first comment. Thanks for the standing up for me, or more like telling Anon #1 whats what.

Carrion Doll said...

Hello Anna, another lurker here, I came through Gled. I read many blogs, I get a bit obsessive over it when I find someone new. I read for hours, pouring over the back story. I found you a few weeks ago but have not yet had the time to go back.
Who am I? I used to blog but I just can't seem to stick with it. I am a 34 year old mother of 3, I have fought depression, I have fought opiate addiction. I have had suicidal fantasies. I can relate to you. I am also a Nirvana fan, maybe not quite to the extent you are. Oh and I am also a cam whore, lol, well dominatrix but you know, some people can't get their shit straight. Just wanted to introduce myself to you for some reason. I don't usually do that. I just make little comments here and there. My god I've written you a book. Sorry and keep writing, you have a new avid reader.
Carrion Doll

AnnaGrace said...

Carrion Doll,

I am pleased that you found me and are actually taking time to read the back story. I didn't think anyone did that.
We really do have alot in common. I've read every comment you have left me, but you've left them all over my blog. So I found the first one you left and answered it so you knew I was reading and enjoying you long answers. I really do like the long comments btw. I wish you kept up a blog I would read it in a second. Props on being a mommy. I don't know how you women do it. I sometimes wish I had, had children, but I know I would have fucked the up beyond repair. I love kids though. They are fun to play with when you don't "own" them.
Gots to go. Nice meeting you.

Carrion Doll said...

Good, I am glad I am not bothering you then. Problem is, i can't always remember which ones I have left a comment on and might miss some comments back,lol. Except on the new ones, those I can remember to go back and look. I hit you up on thejunkyunderground also.