My only friend is the computer. I'm terrified of moving anywhere far away by myself. I whine all the time. I'm on Nurti System(Gled this is a diet program in the states) Everyday I wait for an email from some perfect person who will tell me they love me. Instead I get emails and comments telling me how horrible I am for getting Social Security Disability insurance, and not working. I write every day even when I'm not blogging. I write chapters of my book first in long hand, then I type it out. I write it long hand first so I can change words, and sentence structure to make it hopefully better. I fill a 200 page journal in a month. I can write about myself all day long. No matter how thin I am, I always feel fat. Right now I feel really fat. I've cheated on my diet twice now, and I've only been on it two days. The only two people that truly love me for who I am are my parents. Others only love me because I sort of a social path and mold myself to what they want me to be. I can't be social path because I feel emotions, I wish I were a social path so I could be numb without needing opiates. I know I'm spelling Sociopath wrong. Social path wtf is that your probably wondering. Ahhh, I'm just stupid. No need to elaborate.
Enough truths. If I tell you all my truths you'd run to a different blog in a nanosecond. The reason I haven't blogged in a few days is because the day after my last post blogger would not let me into my page. Blogger said something about my blog being updated too frequently. I don't know! The day after that I was busy finishing that damn book that I hated about the model. Fuck I don't even remember the name of the book. The third day...yesterday I went to Appleton WI a forty five minute drive from my home in Oconto Falls WI, and we went to the mall where I bought a Nirvana T-shirt. Then I went to see Sex in the City 2. When I got home I laid down and fell asleep until this morning. This morning I woke up at 7 as I normally do these days and I ate my pre selected Nurti System breakfast, put on some makeup and drove too fast to the Methadone clinic. Where I dosed and made an appointment with my councilor for Monday at 9am. I came home and was pleasantly surprised that my email box was much fuller than usual. So I read all my email, most comments from this blog. I was happy that people noticed I was missing. After I'm done with this blog I'm going to go catch up with everyone else's blogs that I love, and see if Gled put up a photo of himself yet. Until he does I won't stop mentioning him in my blogs. That is a promise. I swear on my sister's grave I will find a way to mention you. Oh yes, and I only read your Volume 2 main blog so the photo has to go there. "I'm ugly but I don't mind cause so are you we broke our mirrors". Song Lithium, album Nevermind, lead singer Kurt D. Cobain.
In other Anna news, I've been thinking about my past suicide attempt, and I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, scared(at how close I came), mad, disappointed, and many more conflicting emotions. The reason I bring this up, is because on my way to the clinic I couldn't get the thoughts about my suicide attempt out of my head. Mainly I was remembering the part where I first became aware that I was alive and had failed, but I was still not out of the woods. I woke up and had no control over my muscles. I would try to move my arm, but my leg would move. It was the most scary thing I've ever felt my body do. I just have to remember that and suicide by overdose is not the way out. The way of the gun is the only way to go. Not to worry, I'm not thinking about killing myself anytime soon, or even at all. I think about suicide alot, but not planning it out like I did before. Has anyone else who reads this blog ever attempted suicide? If so how did you feel after?
I must go now, I'm very tired already. I can't seem to get to a steady dose that keeps from getting ill and keeps me from nodding out. Its either too high or too low. I am able to sleep again. I used to be so worried that wouldn't come back, but it did.
Love to all who read.