Wednesday, June 2, 2010

nod nod nod nod

The morning sky looms gray with threats of rain on the wind. A perfect day in my eyes. I realize that in Hawaii it is a very rare day when the clouds fill the sky, and rain threatens to pour from those clouds. I'm working hard on finding good reasons for not moving to Hawaii with my parents. There aren't many aside from not being able to come back to Green Bay and get Methadone from the clinic and grey days with threats of rain. Other than that Hawaii's sun keeps me from locking myself in the house and gets me out and lets me meet new people. While I'm here in Oconto Falls alone, my parents in Hawaii, I will let myself sink into depression. Letting the gray days fill the hole that is inside of me. I'm not at all suicidal now, and I am going to stay on my medication to ensure that my thoughts don't become obsessive suicidal thoughts like I did a few months ago.

I'm sorry I can't complete this blog. My Methadone dose is too high, and I'm nodding out, and my parents are watching as I nod out. I'm getting screamed at by my father. He is frustrated with me and I understand why. I'm going to go down on my dose. Probably back to 70 milligrams. The Clonazepam isn't helping me at all. It makes me nod out worse than I usually do. I can't stand to hurt my parents like this. Maybe while they are gone I will go up to 100mgs, but while mom and dad are here I'm going down on my dose. I can't hurt them anymore. It hurts me to hurt them.

it hurts my blogging too. I can't stay awake to blog. I feels nice to nod though. God help me;

6 comments:

Mo said...

I know, it is so damn hard trying not to nod..... especially when you are around someone who doesn't understand, or shall I say does understand and HATES it!!! Think that you probably should get ur dose decreased, can't "split dose" can you? That would help with the nodding, plus taking ur benzo...... a sure way to nod!!!
Take Care of Yourself Anna & it is unbelieveable what mean things people say!! Don't pay attention to those mean, fucked up comments. Why do they bother to even read what you write?? Allot of us care about you Anna.

Gledwood said...

That was beautifully written, Anna

;-)

Stefanie said...

well...anna...wish i could nod! hate bein sober. i make myself stay up for so long i feel high from bein tired! tryin to make liquor replace dope. not the same...

Noah said...

Goddamn Anna - you have some evil uncaring people commenting on your blog - probably the same cunt who leaves the same type of comments on my blog. She is an addict who is angry at others who use because she can't. A real winner who puts down other people to feel better about herself. As far as your methadone dose isn't nodding just a side effect that will go away once you become accustomed to the methadone? You can always say that is the case anyway. Keep blogging and ignore these other morons who post under "Anonymous"...to me that is what they are.

Anonymous said...

I have never commented on your blog Noah. I actually do read your blog. No, I am not a drug addict who is angry at other's who use because I can't. I just have a problem with people who sponge off the system and get high on my dime and sit around doing absolutely nothing all day when they could be out looking for a job. You on the other hand work, pay your taxes, pay your bills, and you're not looking for a handout. What you choose to do with YOUR money is your choice. I totally believe in the system if you need it to get on your feet. But when I see someone that continuously does absolutely nothing to help themselves on my dime, then I have a problem.

Again, the only reason I posted anonymously is because I CAN'T have my name or e-mail associated with this blog.

Carrion Doll said...

i can relate to Hawaii and the effect it has on your depression. i house sit for my in laws often. they have two acres on a lake in a rural area. it is so nice here. it makes me want to get up and do things with the kids. it also makes me WANT to keep the place clean. i have problems with house work,lol. I mean, I keep my house decent but it could be better. i just feel like why do i want to waste time cleaning when I could be doing something worth while. Like taking time with the kids.
i am sorry you feel so disappointing to your parents. they just don't have the capacity to fully understand how bad depression can be. many do not.if you have never suffered true depression, it is impossible to fully grasp it.
idk what it is that makes me write you a small novel every time i comment. i don't do this with anyone else. something about you...
carrion doll