The morning sky looms gray with threats of rain on the wind. A perfect day in my eyes. I realize that in Hawaii it is a very rare day when the clouds fill the sky, and rain threatens to pour from those clouds. I'm working hard on finding good reasons for not moving to Hawaii with my parents. There aren't many aside from not being able to come back to Green Bay and get Methadone from the clinic and grey days with threats of rain. Other than that Hawaii's sun keeps me from locking myself in the house and gets me out and lets me meet new people. While I'm here in Oconto Falls alone, my parents in Hawaii, I will let myself sink into depression. Letting the gray days fill the hole that is inside of me. I'm not at all suicidal now, and I am going to stay on my medication to ensure that my thoughts don't become obsessive suicidal thoughts like I did a few months ago.
I'm sorry I can't complete this blog. My Methadone dose is too high, and I'm nodding out, and my parents are watching as I nod out. I'm getting screamed at by my father. He is frustrated with me and I understand why. I'm going to go down on my dose. Probably back to 70 milligrams. The Clonazepam isn't helping me at all. It makes me nod out worse than I usually do. I can't stand to hurt my parents like this. Maybe while they are gone I will go up to 100mgs, but while mom and dad are here I'm going down on my dose. I can't hurt them anymore. It hurts me to hurt them.
it hurts my blogging too. I can't stay awake to blog. I feels nice to nod though. God help me;