Sunday, June 6, 2010

Things

This morning started with my mother waking me up with her nasal voice. I had to get up because my aunt Debbie was at our house and we were going to be leaving to go out for Sunday lunch. Of course my mom got me up at 9am when we didn't have to leave until 11am. Of course I love my aunt Debbie I get up not wanting to be rude. That's all that happened so far today. I just took my Methadone dose and its 1:10pm.

Lately in the household my Methadone dose has become a huge problem. Every day if I'm sitting in the living room with my father and I feel the least bit sleepily and let my eyes shut for a second longer than a blink, my father screams at me. "Get out of my sight you drug addict, all you care about is drugs. "How many Milligrams are you at on your methadone, 300mgs." A rhetorical question, I don't even bother to answer, I just go to my room and get cozy and fall asleep. Lately I sleep alot, mainly because it keeps the constant harassment off my back.

I don't think my father knows how lucky he is that I'm on Methadone at all. I could be out there shooting dope and battery acid into my veins. Well, maybe not lucky. I'm still hooked, but I'm not getting high "constantly". On occasion if I take a benzo with my Methadone I nod out a bit and my speech gets slurred. "His speech is slurred and I only understand every other word."(sorry I put that in there, its from an Elliot Smith song, and it remind me of my fucking life) Sure my room is covered in cigarette burns because I fall asleep with a cigarette in my hand. I get that I'm a disappointment to my parents, and it hurts me that I can't be what they want, but its causing me mental anguish as I'm sure my behavior is causing them sever mental anguish. The only way to get past this is too move out.

Which brings me to segment three. My parents are no longer going to Hawaii for my mom's job. They are going to finish the house first, and then all three of us will go, and I will get my own place there. Our house will be ready in September. So this winter I'm still going to Hawaii no matter if my parents change their minds yet again. I think my parents and myself will find it less stressful if we weren't always so close. If we had a few thousand miles between us it would make us appreciate each other a lot more. God, even if we had a few miles between us we would be less likely to kill each other.

Sorry I can't go on, my dad will be screaming at me in a little bit because I often nod out while blogging lately and I'll fall asleep on the keypad. So I'm going to read this book. I hate the book, but I have nothing better to do. The book is about this model who is married to the lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots aka STP. She's whining about how hard it was growing up a model and being in the party scene at sixteen in LA. How she got hooked on Heroin. wah, wah. Somebody shoot me.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

"The only way to get past this is too move out."

Or you could lower your mmt dose or stop taking benzos with it. The point of mmt is to be able to live a normal life- WORK, not sit around nodding out and sleeping all day. You give everyone on mmt a bad name.

PS It isn't your father who is lucky you're not getting high every day. It's your life- you are the one who has to live with ruining it.

Anonymous said...

hahaha r u going to read marys frosberg book? ahahah
ohhhhh lovely scott
why he had to marry such a bitch???

Gledwood said...

Anna I wrote a long bloody comment yesterday and it's not here! Come back I say. Come back wayward comment!! I demand it!!!!!!!

Probably I fell asleep and prest the wrong button. That's what usually happens. And wake up with a page of jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjs...

I can't remember what I put now. Probably a load of shyte.

O yeah here's another book. Probably better than the one you're reading.

What annoys me about the young pretty hitched-a-free-ride-on-life party babe type is when they have the cheek actually to sound off on what they think ordinary people should do, how they should live thier lives etc etc. Not realizing they ONLY have what they have bc they were young, pretty ~ usually pliable ~ and in the right place at the right time.

Anyway this book I was rabbitting on about: Thing of Beauty: The Tragedy of Supermodel Gia

ISBN: 9780785769705

She is (was) like a lesbian Cindy Crawford. Story goes she was so out of it on one shoot the assistant had to wipe the bloody trickling down her arm... Quite a good read. Also if you like biogs
Obsessions: the life of Calvin Klein is quite good too

Anonymous said...

Your parents do everything they can to ensure you have a normal life. You're the one who, at 27, still depends on them and has to live planning, always planning to get away from them. From reading your blog, I can tell you that none of your plans are going to work. From the time I've been reading you, you've said you'd never go back to Wisconsin, you're moving to Seattle, you're moving to NYC, and there you are. still a loser and still burning your parents' sheets with cigarrettes.

Kelley said...

I've never read the Gia book but have watched the movie numerous times and love it!! So I bett he book is a million times better! I'm going to look in up on Amazon.com right now. Kepp your head up Anna, that's all you can do!

Kelley

Anonymous said...

is that the kelley we all know and love??? -beautiful things

Gledwood said...

I didn't even know there was a film of that book... probably it has been on channel 647 on satellite but I only have 4.5 TV channels (bc the reception on Channel 5 is terrible) ~ how positively 18th century!!

No the book is really good. Unless the film really is something special I'd imagine the book is better.

It has her modelling photos contrasted with arrest photos when she was seriously going down hill.. QUITE some contrast.

From what I can discern, she wasn't a "supermodel" in a face of a generation type of way. Or an earning as much as a Hollywood actress type of way, but she was pretty successful in the business and in constant demand. Usually in that business they say you're lucky to work for more than 2 years!

Kelley said...

Anon, no beautiful things was April I had the blog Welcome to the dollhouse and then dying for something to live for.

Kelley

Kelley said...

Oh wait, haha now I get it, you are April, lol. Yeah, thats my TRUE blonde-ness coming out there! lol How have you been chicky??

Kelley

Anonymous said...

yeah it's me. I've been good. I'm clean! get at me on email arod071@hotmail.com

or find me on facebook with that email.

I was wondering about you.

Gledwood said...

Anna where are you come back!

Gledwood said...

Kelly congratulations on the C word. I used to read your blogs.

I decided I want to be clean now. I'm telling everyone I wanna be dirty. Hopefully it should work out that way

<%-/...

Gledwood said...

I mean not that way. Being so used to doing the opposite of what I say wherever sobriety's concerned, my only hope of a bright future is by deciding to go on using till I die. Then hopefully I will break this resolution too, all to the good.

Come back Anna. Where are you? Are you OK? Please post something ...

Anonymous said...

annaaaaa
where r ya?

Smack Happy said...

Hiya, Kell, April, Gleds, and of course, Anna!!! Feel slike reuniting with old friends. Glad you are all alive & kicking! Congrats on getting clean, April...I am clean too!

Smack Happy aka Ashley

Mo said...

Anna, We are worried about you, why not post something.....??...... c'mon now, even Gled wonders where you are!!!!

Anonymous said...

she last wrote on the 6th.... today is the 9th...

she's ok!

-beautiful things. - I totally miss writing!!!