This morning started with my mother waking me up with her nasal voice. I had to get up because my aunt Debbie was at our house and we were going to be leaving to go out for Sunday lunch. Of course my mom got me up at 9am when we didn't have to leave until 11am. Of course I love my aunt Debbie I get up not wanting to be rude. That's all that happened so far today. I just took my Methadone dose and its 1:10pm.
Lately in the household my Methadone dose has become a huge problem. Every day if I'm sitting in the living room with my father and I feel the least bit sleepily and let my eyes shut for a second longer than a blink, my father screams at me. "Get out of my sight you drug addict, all you care about is drugs. "How many Milligrams are you at on your methadone, 300mgs." A rhetorical question, I don't even bother to answer, I just go to my room and get cozy and fall asleep. Lately I sleep alot, mainly because it keeps the constant harassment off my back.
I don't think my father knows how lucky he is that I'm on Methadone at all. I could be out there shooting dope and battery acid into my veins. Well, maybe not lucky. I'm still hooked, but I'm not getting high "constantly". On occasion if I take a benzo with my Methadone I nod out a bit and my speech gets slurred. "His speech is slurred and I only understand every other word."(sorry I put that in there, its from an Elliot Smith song, and it remind me of my fucking life) Sure my room is covered in cigarette burns because I fall asleep with a cigarette in my hand. I get that I'm a disappointment to my parents, and it hurts me that I can't be what they want, but its causing me mental anguish as I'm sure my behavior is causing them sever mental anguish. The only way to get past this is too move out.
Which brings me to segment three. My parents are no longer going to Hawaii for my mom's job. They are going to finish the house first, and then all three of us will go, and I will get my own place there. Our house will be ready in September. So this winter I'm still going to Hawaii no matter if my parents change their minds yet again. I think my parents and myself will find it less stressful if we weren't always so close. If we had a few thousand miles between us it would make us appreciate each other a lot more. God, even if we had a few miles between us we would be less likely to kill each other.
Sorry I can't go on, my dad will be screaming at me in a little bit because I often nod out while blogging lately and I'll fall asleep on the keypad. So I'm going to read this book. I hate the book, but I have nothing better to do. The book is about this model who is married to the lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots aka STP. She's whining about how hard it was growing up a model and being in the party scene at sixteen in LA. How she got hooked on Heroin. wah, wah. Somebody shoot me.