Saturday, July 31, 2010

I need some glue because you broke my heart

After getting my prescription filled of Clonazepam on Thursday, and not giving the bottle to my mother right away, I took a good amount of them Thursday night. Then on Friday I did the same. Yesterday I was unable to keep my eyes open for more than hour at a time, and today I gave my mom the pills because they were accusing me of shooting up. So today I only took one orally. Again today I keep nodding out. My dad took me to the clinic this morning and on the way home he punched me in the shoulder because I nodded out on him mid sentence. Oh boy, did that bring back memories. Dad used to do that to me all the time when I was high on smack. The reason I don't hide out in my room, is because I'll be going about my business and feeling just fine. Then bam suddenly I'll feel high as a kite and nodding out. It worst during the first 6 hours after I take my dose. After that I feel pretty fine. I can't drive because I'll be driving around and suddenly I'll be struck by a nod and I'll swerve into the other lane. Its like driving drunk. So I know better than to drive like this.

Tonight I will not be going over to Jess' house. Tonight I'll be staying at home, well actually I'll be going to a friends birthday party at a bar out in the boondocks. My friend Meghan whom I met in Rehab and I are going to celebrate Corey's 27th birthday. Corey is a guy that I used to sleep with. Now he is dating a girl who is only 18 and has never used an illicit drug in her life. She doesn't even drink. Corey was addicted to Crystal Meth and Ecstasy(MDMA). Corey is part of the reason I started using crack cocaine for a few months back in 2006. Until I got put in jail for 13 days for breaking the terms of my probation by calling my councilor at the Methadone clinic and asking for help to stop using. I had stopped smoking the crack two days into the smoking fest and started shooting it. All I needed was lemon juice to cut out the baking soda and whala you have straight coke to put in the spoon and heat just a little and put in the syringe and when you shoot up coke you can taste it on your tongue. When my veins would hide from me I would shoot it in my jugular vein. People thought I was crazy. By this time Peter had left me, and I was living in an apartment in Downtown Green bay on Broadway all by myself. Corey was there most of time. He was living in the Oxford house aka a sober living house for men. Since he wasn't sober he was staying with me. Neither of us loved the other. We just used each other. I had the hookup for the coke, and he had the money to buy the coke. I had the people who wanted to buy the coke, he was willing to cut it and sell it. Corey was Almost a year younger than I was, but it always felt like he was about two or three years younger than I was. He liked hip hop music, and I couldn't stand it. It was my apartment so we listened to what I wanted to. I didn't let him listen to his hip hop. He had a laptop, and I didn't have a computer so it was nice having him over. I listened to the Butthole surfers and Elliott Smith. Thank God Corey didn't get paranoid when he was high. Neither did I. I hate being around a paranoid crack head.

As far as me getting high off my Methadone today is odd. I started my tapering today. I went from 80 milligrams to 75 milligrams. Over the weekend I can't go down. So I'm stuck at 75 until Monday. Meghan doesn't think I'll be able to go without Methadone. Meghan and I are a lot alike. When in rehab you get to know people better than probably their own family knows them. Mainly because you spend all day every day for 28 days in group therapy talking about everything that has happened to you, how you feel about that, how you feel in general. Your likes, dislikes, what you want to be, how you came to be an addict, etc... you really get to know each other. Meghan and I became fast friends. We both were the only IV Heroin addicts. We both always took our dad's side in our parents fights. We were both scared of our dad's when our dad's got mad. Our dad's both drank too much, but not alcoholics more binge drinkers. Our dad's both worked hard their entire lives to provide for us everything we ever wanted and more. Our dad's didn't show much affection. My dad only told me that he loved me once after Angie died. He never hugged me. He showed me he loved me by giving me things. Even though I knew and know that my dad loves me more than anything in this world I still crave male attention physical and emotional. Same as Meghan. My dad always told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, but I never believed him, he just had to say that because he was my dad. He said the same thing to my sister.

My sister was a tomboy and would go deer hunting, and I hated killing animals. I always loved shooting guns ever since my dad took us out to shoot a pistol when I was about ten, and he set up 12 can in a row for us to shoot down. I emptied a clip and only shot two soda cans down, but I loved shooting the gun. I was much better with a shot gun and shooting clay pigeons. I like to open my bedroom window and take a .22 and shoot at fence post, and other targets around the yard. The thing about moving to downtown Green Bay that will suck is not being able to open my bedroom window and shoot things.

Meghan still uses on top of her Methadone. I've found that people who never stop using Heroin while on Methadone don't stop getting high off the Heroin or Oxycontin or whatever other pill they are addicted to. Their tolerance may go up, but they still get high. The main reason I went to the Methadone clinic was to keep my ass out of jail. Since I was wanted my dealers wouldn't sell to me. So I didn't have any hook ups. It was either go to jail and get it over with and go back to my dealers, or go to the Methadone clinic. When I first started at the Methadone clinic I was using on top of the Methadone Morphine. I was still getting high because I had just gotten kicked out of rehab and had broken into my dad's safe and stolen hundreds of my dad's morphine so I figured I would use them up and then I would do the Methadone the right way. Which is exactly what I did.

Since Meghan, Corey, and I all got out of rehab at the same time (me kicked out) and I went straight to the Methadone clinic, my only friends were Meghan and Corey. So Meghan and Corey were going to NA and AA meetings, and they wanted me to come along. I would go along and I would be really high. I would never drive there. Meghan would pick us up. Sometimes I'd let her use my car because I had a car, but I was always too high to drive. Often I was asked to leave to meetings because I was distracting to the other members, so we would all take off and go for coffee at the Blackstone dinner. I don't know how those to put with me for that first month. After I ran out of that Morphine I was fine. I could go to the three meetings a day with them and seem like clean and sober person. We all remained clean and sober (except me on the Methadone) for nine months. Then Meghan relapsed on some sort of opiate, I don't remember which kind. Then Corey wasn't far behind her, with his crack. I wasn't far behind Corey because Corey got his crack through some black guy that I knew. A black guy that was in rehab with me before Meghan or Corey got there.

To this day Meghan and I are very close. We talk on an almost a daily basis, and as far as Corey goes we sort of dropped him as he did us. Corey looks like he is about 19 years old, and had that type of vein that pops out even when he is doing nothing. He let me shoot him up several times. I was the first person to pierce those veins, and as in all my sexual fantasies it was erotic as hell. To bad it was Coke. That first time I shot Corey up with Coke he got so horny he got an instant boner, and he grabbed me and kissed me hard. He tore off my bra, and kissed my breasts. He proceeded to fuck me. He had to be in a certain position to cum. Which was strange. I had to be on top or I had to be sucking his cock. Since I didn't have a bed in that apartment, only a couch it was hard for him to get into that position, so I usually had to suck his cock for him to cum. So I got down there and I sucked him off. He got into his position and and I did my thing and he came, right in my eye. I'll never forget that. Then I got out of the way, and his cum shot the furthest I've ever seen cum shoot. We had, had sex earlier that day, so its not like he had MSB(massive sperm buildup). He was one of the worst sex partners I've ever had. Because of that weird thing, were he had to be in a certain position to cum. Say I would be about to cum, if he would say I'm going to cum, I'd have to stop and get on top of him or go down on him. He didn't like to go down on chicks. Even though I taught him how to, he still didn't quite get the clit part of eating pussy. I don't think he got laid much before I came along. I only slept with him maybe 20 times.

So tonight Meghan is picking me up and driving me back to Green Bay and then out to the country to some bar in the boondocks and we will be celebrating Cory's birthday. I didn't get him anything but a card with 20 bucks in it. I wonder if he will have some Coke and I don't mean Coke a Cola at his party. I think so, otherwise he would have his party at a bar in the city. He lives in the city with his girlfriend who he met at his job at Pepper Mill bar and Grill. I don't know if he has a real job now or not. He's going to be surprised at how fat I got. That always is a shitty part of seeing old friends that you haven't seen in a while. Its only been two years since I last saw Corey and he's going to be surprised how much weight the Methadone has helped me put on.

If there is Coke there I'm going to dip into it so I don't keep nodding out like this. Its taken me four hours and fifteen minutes to write this far on my blog. I started as soon as I got back from the clinic at 10am and it is now 2:15pm. Normally it takes me at most an hour to pound out a blog and I'm done. Sometimes even less than that, a half hour and I'm done with it.

In other news, its almost Jess' birthday. 9/9. I was thinking about getting him this t-shirt I saw on Pineapple Express. Jess likes Sharks. On the movie Pineapple Express Jame D'Franco wears this t-shirt that has a shark on it with a little kitty in its mouth. I found it on the Internet. If hope he doesn't read this blog, because then the surprise is going to be ruined. t-shirt, or if he hates that t-shirt or hates me by then I'd keep that bitch for myself. Its a cool t-shirt for myself? If he doesn't like the t-shirt I can always get him a cock ring. Maybe a t-shirt and a cock ring. That's a month away. Its 8 next month, I forgot. Duh, Jesus Christ I just woke up and had fallen asleep on the f key and had to delete it for about what felt like an half an hour.

As far as loving Jess, nothing new in that department. In September if we're still fucking I'm gonna have him over to my parents place to fuck so he can meet my mom and dad. Plus we can have sex in a queen size bed. The only thing that sucks about our new place is that there is no smoking inside the apartment or even on the balcony. Not our rules the apartment rules. So we would have to go outside to smoke. Because of that I'm going to start rolling my own cigarettes. 11 dollars a carton, and if I don't smoke in the house a carton would last me long ass time. If Jess wanted to smoke anything else he's have to take a walk on the walkway along the river. There is Central Air in the new place to, but since we will move in September we will only need for a week or two before it cools down enough that open windows will keep it cool enough.

Oh Jess, give me some glue you broke my heart.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I'll never make it to paradise

This morning I woke up in Jess' bedroom. As soon as my eyes opened I went for a cigarette, and I smoked that cigarette. Then I laid back down and touched Jess. He was warm all over. I scratched his back lightly and his sides, and his arms. His arms for my own gain. His arms turn me on. When I lightly touch his arms his veins reveal themselves to me. My vagina is moist almost immediately after his veins reveal themselves. Naughty me. I need a spanking. I lightly scratched his chest, and down to his thigh. I made my way to his penis. I just had to handle it for few moments and it became hard. He rubbed my clit with is fingers, and I was wet from feeling his arms. I came almost right away. I had my hand on his cock the whole time. playing with head of it and jerking him off whenever I could pull a rhythm together. After that I went down on him. His cock is perfect. I love it in my mouth and in my pussy. I love his tongue and his fingers. He kisses by the book, our lips like two blushing pilgrims. I can almost feel my pupils dilate when he touches me.

I take his cock down my throat all the way down. His cock is big so its hard to take all the way down, and I gag a bit. Gaging isn't the worst thing it brings up more saliva so it makes a blow job more lubed. When I feel like I can't take it down any further, I use my hand and twist it up and and the head and shaft and keep my mouth on his cock up and down the head and shaft. He cums in a few minutes and I take most of it in my mouth. I spit it out because as we know I don't waste a money a shot.

After he cums I smoke one more cigarette and finish dressing.

Last night, I came over to Jess' house reluctantly. I didn't want to be the one to come over and be heart broken, but I did it anyway. The sex is too good to pass up. Broken heart or no broken heart I still have sexual needs that have to be met.

I sometimes wonder if my feeling for Jess aren't just very powerful feelings of lust being confused with feelings of love. I'm ungodly attracted to him. I think he's the funniest person I've ever had the luck to screw. He is full of facts. You can ask him a question and most likely he will know the answer. Its my dream come true. I have to lose weight fast if I want to keep this one.

Today I purposely pushed his buttons to see how much he would take until he blew up at me. He didn't blow up at me, but he did tell me to stop saying what I was saying, because if I wanted to piss him off I was going about it the right way. So I decided to back off and leave him alone. I know how far I can push him now.

I also complained that he wasn't in love with me. Which he seemed to by pass and go straight to where I picked on him about his ex. Which I feel really bad about picking on him about. He did live through hell with her. Jess is a really nice guy. Which is probably the reason I fell so hard so fast for him. its hard for me to look him in the eye. He's too sexy and cunning and smart, and funny. When I look at him I want to jump his bones that instant. His eyes are so perfect. His mouth is perfect, his hair, his nose, his lips, his ears, his nipples, his arms. Damn asshole doesn't fucking like me. Using me for sex. Probably hates all the sex we have. To bad I love that Damn fucking asshole who is using me. At lest he won't get hurt in any of this. Every time I think of Jess I keep thinking of that Chris Isaak song "Oh I Want to Fall in Love".

So that's it. I'm done complaining for the day. I did write Jess an email that I just got today. It tells me to calm down. Take thing as they come. I'm someone who deals in instant gratification, and when I fall in love, I do so right then and there. No if and or buts about it. I just happened. There is no turing back. Even though he hogs the bed, and hits me with his arms and legs in bed and he snores I don't mind sleeping by him. Every other guy that did that in bed I would leave in the middle of the night, so I could go home and get some sleep. With Jess for some reason I can still sleep even though he's a rowdy sleeper.

I don't move around much in my sleep. At least not that I know about. I know I snore when I'm drunk. I don't kick, or shove. I do talk a lot in my sleep. especially when I've taken a lot of Clonazepam. I need some blow. today I've been nodding in and out all day. Yesterday, at Jess
house I took a shit load of Cloonies. There was no way I was going to be able to drive home. I got to stop blogging now. I keep nodding in and out and my parents are on my case. Its 5pm and I haven't been able to keep my eyes open a full hour all day. Time for spell check.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

You know I wanna come over

Lastnight after I posted that blog I admited to Jess that I've fallen in love with him. He admited that he doesn't feel the same way about me. The person who left the anonymous comment on my last blog saying that I'm unloveable because I'm a crazy, fat, junky is right, they just forgot, that I'm stupid, ugly, a terriable writer, and a whore. What was I thinking? I guess I did the right thing in telling him. Now he knows where I stand. I've decided that I'll keep fucking him because no-one will ever love me, and right now I'm lucky anyone is willing to fuck me. So, we will just be sex partners. He is not my boyfreind. Not at all. There is no relationship. We are using eachother for sex. For some reason he doesn't think he could go out to the bar and pick up a chick. He is definatly hot enough to pick up a chick at the bar. He could get laid if he wanted to. He doesn't even have to put much effort into it.

I don't like very many guys, and when I go into the bar am always and have always been disapointed because there is always a bunch of wanna be Back street Boys or wanna be Hip hop stars or Jocks in there that all I want to do is make them bite the sidewalk and I stamp on their head with my foot. If I were to have walked in a bar, not knowing who Jess was I would have hit on him in a nanosecond. Then in after I talked to him, and he made me laugh because he can memorize and make up jokes easily I would have fucked him right on the bar in front of everyone.

So here I am. Rejected, alone with my thoughts. I was pissed off for a while, and sent Jess a bunch of text and emails trying to explain why I was hurt, but he wasn't answering. So I thought it was over. I sent him on last email, and suddenly I get a text back saying, "Sorry was with friends". Then he tells me to chill out and go with the flow. I just wanted to throw something. So took a hand full of Clonazepam and some Xanax I had gotten from a friend. I calmed down, and we texted for a while. I fell asleep. He was drunk. I had told him I loved him, and he was all let it ride. I was like , fuck no I've made up mind. I'm all about instant gratification. When I make up my mind, its made up. There is no changing it.

Now, I'm going over there to have sex with him tonight. Unfortunately I'll have to live with the fact that I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about me. So now there is no relationship. There will never be a relationship. Even if he asks me, I will say no. I will always be in love with him, but its better for me to keep things as he put them at a close friends level.

In other news I've been kicked out of the Methadone clinic for not taking my Medication in front of the doseing nurse. It was my third write up, and I knew there was nothing I could do. Luckily, there are not going to rapid detox me. There are letting me do the two month detox, and then I can either go to Menasha or I can go to Dr. Soncrant and get back on Suboxone. I saw Dr. Soncrant today. I asked if he was willing to put me on Subutex instead of Suboxone. That darn Naloxone scares me to death. Its just like Narcan and puts you into instant withdrawals. The good thing about Suboxone is I'm not being watched taking it so I can go off it for a few weeks and buy some pills and get high for a day or two, then buy some clean pee take some Suboxone and get a clean UA. The best thing about getting off Methadone is that I will lose weight. Everyone I know who has gone down or gotten off Methadone has lost weight. Plus I'm on Ritalin so I should lose weight pretty fast. The clinic plans on taking me down at first 5mgs a week, and then as I get down to 30mg I will go down 3mg a week. They just took me down 10mgs right off the bat today. So now I'm at 80mgs.

I am getting my stuff packed up. We aren't moving until September 1st, but I'm so sick of living here, that I'm ready to pack up now. So I already have two boxes full. Mostly of all my painting equipment. I seriously cannot wait to have my big bed back, and cannot wait to have gym in the apartment complex. Plus there is a walkway along the Fox River for me to walk Eleanor every morning. Its downtown Green Bay, and walking distance to every bar that I'd want to go to. My dad won't have to drink in drive because we live two blocks from his and his friends bar. The Sardine Can. I'll live really close to the Exclusive company. I download most of my music now, but my MP3 is almost full, and I need one of those things you can plug you MP3 into so you can listen to your songs not on head phones...on a stereo. Moving into the city will be (hopefully) a good thing. As long as I don't start smoking crack. Last time I lived in down town Green Bay off of Broadway in my first apartment by myself with no boyfriend, I was fucking the hottest young boy Corey who was addicted to Crystal Meth, and he got me to smoke Crack, and suddenly three days go buy and I'm no longer smoking it I'm shooting it and I'm shooting it every ten minutes. My veins hide under swollen skin scared to pop out afraid the needle will poke them again. They need a rest to much has been drained from and entered into them. Crystal is much better because it last so much longer. I learned this a year later when I moved to Hawaii and tried Crystal for my first time. The high makes you so horny it hurts. Sex, sex, sex is all you can think about after that first hit. I would love to do some X. That would be fun, I wonder if Jess has ever rolled. Probably not, that's more my age type thing. He would love to have sex on X. Even if he didn't take it, he'd luck out and get the best sex I could ever give him. The only thing is if he came and I was still high, I would probably hurt his penis. No I would just be glad to touch him any where. When I'm high on X it nice to just to touch someone. I'd get off just touching his big veins on his arms and neck.

I just made the phone call for the X, but I've got a feeling its not going to work out. When I want something bad it always falls through. So goes the drug world. I've got to go now and take a shower, and spell check this piece of shit.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Love is an angel disgused as lust

I knew this would happen. I knew I'd get hurt. I shouldn't have let him in. I should have kept myself at a distance. There is a reason walls are put up. There is a reason I cut myself off from people for two years, and this is it. I hate this feeling. The feeling of your heart being ripped out of your throat.

I'll start from the beginning of my day. This morning after I went to the Methadone clinic I had to go to a physc appointment and then have a hearing to determine if I'm still a risk to myself or others. The judge would decide if I needed to be hospitalized. So I went in and talked with the There rapist, and the rapist talked to the Judge then my parents testified on my behalf that I have been taking all my medications and I haven't tried to harm myself since April. I was deemed not a risk to myself or others and allowed to walk out of the courthouse a free crazy person.

I came home and realized that today of all days I forgot to take my medication. My Methadone was making me drowsy, plus I had taken a Clonazepam for my nerves during court. So I sat down and watched the NASA Chanel Education File. Then I fell asleep for a little while. When I woke up I turned on Cinnamax and watched 500 days of Summer. The movie brought out in me the fact that I do want to be in a relationship with Jess. I just decided at that moment that, that's what I want. So I texted him and asked him if that's what he wants. A while later he text back that he doesn't. Somehow deep down I knew this is what he was going to say. I started crying even before he texted me back. Everything just hit me all at once. Everything I had feared was true. I used to use guys. Now I'm being used. He will never love me the way Pete loved me. Its mostly my fault for making it all about sex. I don't think that Jess and I have actually sat down and had a conversation. Everything we ever talk about is about sex.

I know what your thinking. That's what you wanted. Your the one who wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I know. That was when all I thought about him was that he was hot and I wanted to fuck him. All I wanted was to use him. Which in turn let him use me. I seriously didn't think I'd let myself like him as much as I do. Now I'm stuck. Now I have to break it off. I will not allow myself to be the one who likes him more than he likes me. No matter how hard it is. It puts a lump in my throat just to write that, but its got to be done. The timing just didn't work out.
I'm going to miss the sex. Oh god am I going to miss the sex. I just got on birth control for him, but I'll live. I don't need to take the pill. If I really want to get laid I'll call him and ask him if I can just have sex with him. Nothing more, no sleep over, no talking. I'll just drive over for the sex, and drive home as soon as it done. That would also mean that if I found a different sex partner I would be able to have sex with them also. Same goes for him.

I don't know what else to say. I guess I'm really disappointed. I hurt myself emotionally by letting down walls. I learned a lesson. What I'm really going to miss is the sex. I have big news about my Methadone and getting kicked out of the clinic, but I'm saving that for tomorrow, and during the detox process I get really horny. So when I'm horny I will text Jess for just sex. That way there is no mixed signals. We both know we are in this for sex and sex only.

I hate getting hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Junky asshole fuckface gotta love everything about her

I wonder how many people in Oconto Falls read my blog? I should change names of people I write about, and change names of places I go. Especially when certain things did and didn't happen. That goes out to those of you here in this small town who read this blog and know what I'm talking about. Enough said.

My phone alarm goes off and I wake up slowly. The alarm is apart of my dream, a weird dream. I'm at Jess' house and we sitting around the garage with Natalie, and my parents, but its the garage of my parents house I grew up in from 6th grade to 20 years old. We are talking about babies, and I'm screaming I don't want to have a baby. Everyone is trying to convince me that I have to have a baby, even my parents, and I keep saying I'm not having a Methadone baby. I probably had this dream because today I have an appointment with my doctor to get on birth control. When I finally turn off the alarm on my phone the alarm clock goes off. I get out of bed and come out to the living room to see if my parents are up. They have to come with me to Green Bay with me this morning to drop off paperwork at our new apartments. Mainly the paperwork proving that Eleanor Rigby is a medically necessary companion dog. They only allow owners of condos in the building to have dogs. Not renters. Same as in Hawaii.

I wake up my parents, my dad opts out of the ride to Green Bay, my moms only coming along. My doctors appointment isn't until 2pm. So I don't have to shower quick before leaving for the clinic. I just change my underwear, brush my teeth, and grab my phone, and we walk out the door. I talk my mom into buying me cigarettes, and I tell her I'll buy her a Mocha Frape' at McDonalds. She is easily persuaded. I forgot my book, so I don't have anything to read on my way to Green Bay. My mom starts asking me questions about Jess. I've told my mom parents that he is not my boyfriend. He a guy that I like and the rest they would probably rather no know about. For whatever reason my wanted to know about the part I figured she would rather not know about. She asked, "so you guys are having sex. That's why you made an appointment with the Doctor, to get birth control?" I said, "yep". Then she asks, "is it any good"? I say, "yep." She wants to know details, and finally I say, "mom I'm just not going to have this conversation with you. If you want to know details read my blog, you will know every thing if you read my blog." Then I remember I wrote about my relapse, and I hope she doesn't call my bluff. If they find out I relapse I get kicked out of the house, my dad is my payee he would make me find another payee. I don't know anyone who would be my payee. I would have to move into the shelter again. At least I don't have any warrants for my arrest anymore so I can live there. I don't have my own car, so I'd have to ride the bus. Fuck, so I tell my mom a few details about the sex I've had. Just that it was good sex, he good at oral sex. My mom tells me that my dad doesn't go down her. I said, I feel really bad for her. No wonder she cheated. My dad doesn't do anything kinky, his motto is kinky gets you into trouble. If he only knew the things I've tried he'd probably have a heart attack.

We get to the clinic and since I've been gotten in trouble for talking about my using past too much, and now I go in and straight up to the dosing window, no waiting I'm in and out in a snap. We drive across the Fox River to the Riverside Condos and Apartments to drop off the paperwork. Then we stop at Walgreens to pick up some shampoo and conditioner for my hair. We drive back home, my mom is still not off asking my questions about Jess. She wants to know why I just won't call Jess my boyfriend. I explain to her that I want to draw out the fun part of being with someone for as long as I can. I'm not fucking anyone but him, I don't want to fuck anyone but him, when ever my parents speak of him they say "your boyfriend", and he's not my boy friend he's my fucking man friend. Just kidding. I don't correct them. I just let it slide. I should have put that in my blog yesterday because that was a quote from The Big Labowski. Too bad me mom never had a conversation about Jess yesterday. Then my mom asked what I would do if he found someone else who was willing to call him, her boyfriend. I said, "if that's what he wants then that's what he'll get. I have a lot of bad karma coming my way, and I'm pretty much ready for that to happen". She of course says, "your not going to kill yourself if that happens". I said, "if I kill myself, its not going to because of Jess". If I kill myself it going to be because I've wanted to die since I reached puberty. If I kill myself its because I'm fucking crazy not because someone else did or said something. I'm just fragile. I don't have any immediate plans to kill myself, and if Jess stopped having sex with me, the worst thing that would probably happen is I'd relapse for a week or two, or I'd just take a few extra Clonazepam a day and sleep a few days away until I forgot about him. Blog about it and get the fuck over it. As long as I didn't hurt him, as long as he's happy, and I have the knowledge that I had that cock, I'm pretty much satisfied. I'm not saying I wouldn't be broken hearted, but shit happens. My mom's like, "wow Anna, you've really thought about what you'd do if he found someone else. Your pretty sure your not in a permenant relationship". I say, "there is no way, he wants someone smarter than I am, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm on the fast track to nowhere, I'm a ex junky(sort of, if I won the lottery first thing I'd do is buy my parents whatever they wanted, then I'd buy kilos of Heroin and Coke for myself to do speedballs with. I'd hire Jess to stay with me even though I'm using and have sex with me ) and I have bad Karma coming for me. So there is no way Jess will fall in love with me.

We pulled in the driveway, and I hop out of the Jeep. I jump in the shower because my doctor will be looking my vag. I also need my Thyroid medication refilled, along with some birth control, and whatever else I can talk him into giving me. I think I have a slit disk in my back and need some Dilauded 8mgs TID aka three times a day for that. I have to go because it 1pm and I have to leave for the Doctor.

Monday, July 26, 2010

She's not my girlfriend she's my fuckin' lady friend

Every I know is gone. They left said, "I'll see you around". But I don't care I like it that way. I don't care, I never had much to say. Every one that know says that I'm wrong, stubborn, cold, hard headed, and withdrawn, see you later, see you around, but everyone I know is gone. I don't care I like it that way. I don't care, I never had much to say. I don't care, I just wanted to say. It means nothing to me. I gave it away.

It Saturday morning and I wake up in some unfamiliar place. I look around and see people passed out everywhere, bodies heaved upon one an another. The air smells of alcohol and I notice faces, old acquaintances, and friends. Suddenly my heart jumps in my throat...I'm late for the Methadone clinic. I only have forty five minutes to make it to the there, and that's how long it takes me to get there. I wreak of booze. I drank too much Southern Comfort last night. I went to an after bar party across the road from the bar, and passed out on Chris and his girlfriend Sarah's couch along with everyone else who attended the after bar. I did a few lines of coke last night. I hope I don't get a UA this morning. I slam a glass of water and run out the door with my purse, jump in the car and whip a u turn and am heavy on the gas on my way out of Oconto Falls to Green Bay to get my pink juice. The whole ride there I drive like a maniac. I do 90 mphs weave in and out of traffic. I probably still have a blood alcohol level. My eyes are all dried out. For some reason since I started drinking again my eyes dry out when I drink.

I have all four windows rolled down, the sun is already creeping its way high into the sky and the heat its producing is making me sweat out the Southern Comfort I drank last night. My hair is messy, my mascara is running down my face, and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't piss myself last night. Usually when I get that drunk I piss myself. My ex used to know to drag me into the kitchen or the bathroom and take off my pants so when I woke up I could clean up the piss easily. My good friends also know to do this. I don't usually get this hammered. I haven't done so since I've been on the Methadone. While driving 90 to the clinic I don't bother to turn on the radio, I just think about what happened last night. The details are fuzzy. I know I didn't leave for the bar until half past nine pm Friday night. I of course went to the West. Kelly was bar tending. Not many people were in the bar, I had the juke box to myself. I downloaded a bunch of my favorite songs. I put more money in the juke box than I did into my body. Kelly was playing bar dice with us, and I was winning so I was getting free shots left and right. Jason was there, Chris was there, Janae, Pablo(Travis) Matt(the owner) and a few others that I didn't know. Around midnight the bar flooded with people. Jason had some blow, and we were going across the road to his apartment every half hour to do a few lines. I gave him fifty dollars just because I had money and he's always been generous with his drugs. Normally when I use blow and drink I don't get drunk at all. This coke wasn't the best coke I ever had. So I pretty much paid Jason to be my friend. He offered me Pot, but he knows I don't smoke. Your probably wondering Anna's out there relapsing like a son of a bitch. I only consider shooting H/Opiates or snorting eating pills as relapsing. Actually I eat Percocets once a month so that's not really relapsing. Its not like it really even gets me high, but I try. Maybe I'm not as clean as I would like to think that I am. Still I'm not homeless, stealing, lieing, screwing people for dope. Its not like I'm out there chasing down dope. I'm not powerless over drugs right now. I can live without it. I do get pushy when I get the idea, as you will learn later in the blog.I love going to the bar and hanging out with a small group of friends. Shooting pool, having full control of the jukebox, catching up on town gossip. Its the best when you don't come around for a long time so you have lots to catch up on. Everyone wants know what's going on in your life, and you want to know what's going on in their life. Never run out of conversation. Laughing about old times. Last night we reminisced about the time that I put a Natural Ice box on my head, took of all my clothes except for my shoes, and put a towel around me then ran in one door of the West started screaming took the towel off ran out the other door, but it was mid January, and there was a patch of ice right outside, and I fell on my ass, and my beer box fell off my head and everyone knew it was me. Including my cousin who cheered the loudest as I streaked through the West. He was mortified when he looked out the window to see it was me who's naked body he had just been aroused by. Poor Joe, every time I see him that's what I think of. One time Jason streaked through the West with a snowmobile helmet on his head. Another guy came in the West naked nothing to cover his face and just sat down and ordered a drink. I served him one beer before the costumers complained that they didn't want to see a cock and balls. If it had been a girl they wouldn't have been bothered at all. I'm still the only girl who has ever streaked through the West kudos to me.( oh fuck, that's gonna get me a quoted you have no self respect comments)

The night seemed to fly by. Me and Pablo were always considered the perfect match, and we've had sex before a few times, but I would never date him because he's like the male version of me. Suicidal, willing to do anything, hates his face, hates this place, but hes drunk all the time, not strung out again. The one time I did shoot him up, he went in the bathroom and suddenly I hear him hit the floor. Me and my friend Josh look at each other. We both say at the same time, "you go look". I get up, knock on the door, there is no answer so I open the door and Pablo is picking himself up off the floor. I ask him if I gave him too much. He says no, he is afraid of needles and blood. I asked him why he asked me to shoot him up then. He said, "I always wanted to try it". All I could do is laugh at him. He gave me a scare. Now Pablo(Travis) is with Janae, who is thirty four which is seven years older than him. Janae is awesome, I've known he since I started working at the West. She helped me out a lot teaching me how to mix drinks. CC is Canadian Club, Seven and Seven so on and so forth. Pablo and Janae make a much better match than Pablo and I would ever make. Me and Pablo would bring out each others darker sides and they would flourish. I bet I would be a better writer if I were with him. When I'm sad I write better. Not when I'm catatonic sad, but I do miss the comfort in being sad.
I get to the clinic and its only two minutes before they shut down the juice machines. I take my dose, and get my take home and get the hell out of there. If they smell alcohol on my breath I'll start getting Breathalyzers everyday. So I held my breath as much as possible during the dosing experience, and I didn't get an UA. Everything went pretty well. Knock on wood.

On the drive back the sun is even higher in the sky, and I keep getting phone calls from everyone and there brother. What are doing tonight. I don't have any plans for tonight. Sunday I'm going to Jess' house. I plan on staying home Saturday. I really can't wait to get laid. I've been thinking about for the past six days now, and each time I think about it gets me more and more horny. The lust in my blood is just as bad when I know there is a needle full of H waiting for me just sitting there till Sunday and I can't get to it until then. He doesn't know this, but I've found his veins when having sex. His veins don't show through his tattoos, but he has big juicy veins in his arms wrapped all around his arms. Every time I listen to the Eagles of Death Metal the song "I gotta feeling(just nineteen) & I think about his big veins. I know he's never ever gonna put a spike into those veins, but in my sick mind just the image of that in my mind makes me cum.

I get home from the clinic, I sit in front of the computer and try to blog about Friday night, but I'm too hungover. I write a little then delete, write some more, delete. Go to room try to fall asleep, but that's elusive because I took my Ritalin. So I take out my journal, and write out this big long fantasy including drugs and sex. A real junky fantasy, something that would only come true if I won the lottery and paid Jess to do it. I'll leave that fantasy for another blog. I have plenty of sex to write about here.
While I'm writing in my journal Jess text me from work, and somehow we get onto the idea that I should come over tonight(Saturday), and as horny as I was I really wanted to. So I said, "yes, Of course. This was at like 11am. So I showered, and started reading Catcher in the Rye again. I don't know why I picked that one, its an easy read, its a classic, I've only read it once and it was a while ago, I've forgotten a lot of the story line. So I just pulled it out of the closet and started reading it. Its a damn good book. I had it a quarter finished by the time I left for Jess' house. I had my mom straighten my hair before I went to Jess' house because its much more manageable when its straight. Its better for sex, and oral sex. Easier to put in pony tails.
I leave for Oshkosh around 5:35pm to make it there around 6:30pm. I still need to google maps his address because I'm scared I'll get lost. I do have his address memorized now. Third times a charm. When I get there Jess is in his room laying there in just his boxers. Perfect. I want to throw myself at him, but its so hot in his room that the heat hits me like a suffocating 30ft wave on the pipe line in Hawaii. I brought along baby oil so he can titty fuck me later on. My purse is heavy because I could only find a rather large bottle. I didn't really look that close for a smaller bottle. I take out the baby oil, and put it on his bed. He still has the mattress on the floor. We only have a few more condoms left. Probably about six. I set everything down, and I go and lay by Jess on his mattress on the floor. I can't wait to touch him. Every time I touch him I feel a shiver go up and down my spine. I get wet instantly. I don't want much from him aside from his cock and his tongue. I just lay by him for a minute just touching him, we talk about something, but I don't remember what it was. I bring my hand down to his cock and its hard. I put my hand on his cock and I rub the tip of it. I jerk him off a little bit. He rubs my clit through my pants and it feels really good. I want his penis in my mouth, but he takes of my pants and licks my clit. His tongue is magic. I have to keep my moaning down because there are other people in the house, usually biting my hand works for me. Jess makes me cum twice, and then he's ready for his turn. So I take his cock and I put it my mouth and I slowly take it all the way down my throat. I come back up and make sure I use my tongue around the the head of his cock. I go all the way down again slowly, and I'm loving every moment of sucking him off. I love the feeling of the head of his cock on my tongue. The taste of his pre cum is lovely. I start to use my hand and do the twist and twist my hand and my mouth goes down on his cock. My mouth sucks on the head of his cock, and my hand twists up and down the head and shaft. Rhythmically slower to faster, and he says I'm gonna cum, and he cums while I'm sucking, and I take a few shots in the mouth and I taste it. I don't swallow, I like the way cum looks. Its the money shot. How could I waste that by putting it down my throat? After he's done cumming I give it a few more strokes to see if I could see anymore cum, but he was flush out. So I dabbled my finger in the cum on his leg, wiped my mouth threw my hair back and put my head up by Jess'. I was sweating and my eye make up was smeared, but I enjoyed myself. I got to cum twice and I got to make Jess cum from a BJ for the first time. After that if it were not so oppressively hot in his room I would have loved to stayed up there and hide out all night just listening to him tell jokes and talk and fucking, but it was too hot for that so we went down into the garage and got cold beer, and talked with Natalie(His brother's girlfriend), and his dad along with his dad's girlfriend.

It was so nice out Saturday night. It was cool enough that could even wear a sweatshirt. When I first got to Oshkosh I had wanted some blow because I was so tired from my Friday night parting and I had even thought about it last weekend. So I was jonesin. I was looking to buy a teener. What I should have done is called up my connect here in my area and picked it up on my way down to Oshkosh. Although my connect often only has hard, and I don't smoke I just use lemon juice to cut out the baking soda and shoot the coke. Jess won't let me shoot it at his house. Plus they won't smoke it either. I used to smoke it, but then I shot it up and I figured why take the bus when you can fly. So much is wasted when you smoke it. All that smoke going up in puffs. The connect Natalie had couldn't come through this weekend, when I called him and hassled him he hung up on me. Then he called me back later on and yelled at me. So when I get my heart set on something I do chase it down. It didn't come through and I lived. I didn't dwell on it, and I didn't bring it up every hour on the hour like I would have if I were addicted to it.
Me, Jess, and Natalie stayed up and waited for Jess' brother Rory to get done with work Saturday night. He is a dishwasher at a nice restaurant. He didn't get done until 1am. By that time I had stopped drinking. I had given up on the blow, and Jess ordered Pizza. We stayed up a while longer, hung out with Rory and Natalie. Then we went back into Jess' room. It had cooled off in there by then. We fucked again. I couldn't help it, I was loud. I came three times. I would feel the inside of Jess' arm where he has two huge veins. Perfect veins. Never used the way I think of them. I want to rape his veins. I know it sounds bad. I wish there were no side affects to using Heroin. I wish that people didn't get hooked or overdose, and that the needle wasn't so terrifying to so many people. Then they could all feel heaven on earth. All their problems disappear. Not all junkies are purse snatching bums. I know junkies that you would never guess they stuck needles in there legs every day, four times a day. Millions of Doctors are Junkys. Heroin addicts don't go around like Tweekers and steal shit at gun point. Junkys, when high are very mellow. Even more mellow than pot heads. Its in the sickness when not high and trying to get high that junkys become purse snatchers. Legalize Heroin and you'll have yourself a peaceful bunch of drug addicts. Just like the pot heads. Except the pot heads aren't physically addicted. Heroin becomes like a person to the user, it becomes a lover to the user. I don't think pot users feel that way about there pot. I don't know though, maybe they do.

We fell asleep early Sunday Morning. I woke up early Sunday morning because my cell phone alarm went off at 7am. I smoked a cigarette. Then I had promised Jess a BJ, so I went down to his cock, and I sucked then he took me and I spread my legs and he thrust his cock inside me and fucked me for a bit then he pulled out and came just below my tits. After that we went back to sleep until 10am. I didn't fall asleep right away, I watched Jess for a little while, then I checked my email, and read this new reader who just started commenting blog, I don't remember her screen name off hand, it lemon something. She has an amazing blog, and I read a few of her blogs. There great. If I knew how to put up links I would totally put one up to her blog from here. Tomorrow I will figure out her name, and start to follow her blog so anyone who wants to check her writing out can do so from my blog.

All day Sunday it was hot out, and Jess and I sat outside where it was cooler. I took my Methadone and two Clonazepam and was nodding. I couldn't take a nap because if I did I would have been out for the whole day. I really wanted to have sex, but it was too hot out, and I think both of us were too lazy to actually preform. We were suppose to go to the sex shop, but again we were to lazy, and it was too far away. So we just sat around and listened to music and talked. Natalie and Rory sat around with us. I seriously can't wait for fall. I'm so sick of this heat. Its hindering my sex. If Jess and I are still screwing this fall, I can't wait because it won't be too hot to screw all the time. I understand that guys can only cum once and have to take a break. Its biological. Twice a day though that's not asking too much. Especially if you only see each other once a week. I know Jess is able to do that. Even if he doesn't cum, he would still do it just to please me. I would feel bad after I was done cumming that he didn't get to cum. Which would make me willing to have sex with him whenever he wanted. I can't imagine myself ever saying no to having sex with him. Maybe if I was sound asleep. If I was under and amp and sound asleep that means I'm super tired and don't fuck with me, still though if he was going to fuck me I'd wake up for that. Not that Jess is only good for sex, he's just really good at sex. I just am really attracted to him and his veins. The good thing that he doesn't use drug intravenously is his veins will always be big and juicy. They will always be sexy. Oh yes, I call Jess' cock, Princess Sophia. I called it that once just to see if he'd get mad, and he didn't care, and now I'll always know it as Princess Sophia.

I gotta go and spell check this. Sorry this blog is all over the place.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Broken dreams are now my reality

I thought today I'd regale you with tales from my past, growing up in a small town of 2,202 people. I was born 2/2/1983 so I like twos. Perfect population I used to think, back when I was younger and didn't know any better. I was born in Oconto Falls and didn't move out of Oconto Falls until I was 20 years old. After 20 I moved probably 20 times, and have been homeless twice. Wait that is untrue, when I was four our family moved to Green Bay for two years, while my mom went to school to get her BS in nursing. She already had an associates degree in nursing, but she wanted to get paid more. My dad was already working at Fort Howard, the job he had most of my life. I was molested by neighbor while living in Green Bay. I told my dad one night and he left the house with a baseball bat and came home bloody. I remember the cops came and were going to arrest my dad, but they asked me questions about what my neighbor had done to me, and my dad didn't get into trouble. My neighbor ended up being taken away by the cops. Angie(my sister), myself, and two other girls in the neighborhood ended up testifying in a trial that put Mr. Lizner away for 10 years. I don't think that the molestation effected me that much really. He never had intercourse with us. He just had us put his penis in our little mouths, and he would touch our little private parts. He liked us to get naked and swim in his pool. Which I didn't mind doing at all. His penis was rather small so it wasn't hard to put in my mouth. I didn't know that I was suppose to move my head back and forth so I just sat there with his penis in my mouth. He would say lick it, and shit like that. It would only last like ten minutes at a time. Then he would cum, I didn't know that was what was happening. I though he was peeing thick pee on me, or on his hand. I seen him do the same thing to my sister. She was bothered a lot more by this than I was. She started to loose her hair. Which is why I told my dad. Mr. Lizner had told us not to tell anyone, but I didn't think it was so wrong. I've never thought of sex as wrong. Looking back, he did take innocence away from me. I learned about sex way before I should have. My poor sister was only 3 years old. She was so stressed out that she was loosing hair. She didn't even know how to ride a bike yet, she had to where floaties on her arms in the pool to swim. The older girl Crystal would take us to Mr. Lizner's house to swim, and our parents trusted that nothing bad was happening. Enough about that. There is a lot of stuff I don't even remember about that. Thank God. Angie didn't remember hardly anything as we got older, which I was very thankful for. She probably would have had a lot harder time with it. I'm sure she had some memories and that probably haunted her enough.

Back to small town life. Living in Oconto Falls, what we did for fun in high school, after school is pound laps around town. Take Main St. to Chestnut Ave. to Hyland Dr. back to Main St. We would see who was at which gas station, who was at the beach. The beach is on Main St. and that's where all the high schoolers congregate. Especially at lunch. Our high school has off campus lunch, so the crowd I hung out with went to the beach to eat lunch. Sometimes, I would go with my stoner friends and drive down dead end roads and smoke pot with them. The town is so small that about a mile away from the high school is the Machickanee Forest, and there is a lot of dead end roads in there. I hardly ever smoked pot with them. One of the few times that I did, I drove back to school and I forgot to put my car in park, and my car rolled out of the parking lot and way into the school yard next to a tree. I didn't hear them paging me because I was in the bathroom vomiting. Before that I was in Speech class and Mr. Vorman was reading out of the text book and I started hysterically laughing at the name Rich Richwell. I was so stoned, everyone around me had to know it. There was no hiding it. When I finally herd the page over the intercom that my car had rolled into the grass the day was almost over with, and everyone was making fun of me for not putting my car in park. I couldn't tell anyone why I didn't put in park, because I was dating a guy who didn't smoke pot and was totally against me smoking pot. I ended up going out to my car when the end of the day bell rang. So everyone saw me walk to my car way out into the school yard which is really big in Oconto Falls. Then they watched me drive it off the grass onto the one way road which was always packed right after school, so I had to wait for someone to let me in to get off the grass.
When I finally got home to my boyfriends house he wanted to go out to trap shoot. I had to drive. So I get back in the car, and were driving along, and I'm still really stoned. Suddenly we are in a 55 mph zone and William looks at me and says, "what the hell is wrong with you"? I'm look at him, and ask "why"? He glances at the speedometer and says your only doing 8 mph. I swear to you I never thought any thing was so funny in my entire life, I laughed until I was crying. I sped up, but at 15mph it felt like I was doing 70mph. I could not control my laughter. William figured out that I was stoned, and was pissed at me.
In Oconto Falls High school where you parked in the parking lot defined what group of people you hung out with. The Rednex, the jocks, the stoners, those were the three groups. Unfortunately there were no geeks. I wish there were geeks. I would have parked by the geeks. I tried to park by the teachers. Then again I only went to the regular high school for two years, I was put into the alternative high school because I cut school so often. So I didn't care who's area I parked in. The rednex were the most territorial about this parking lot rule. Because my sister was a redneck I was allowed to park by the rednex, but I was more of stoner even though I didn't use pot. What I did use was Soma's. For those of you who don't know what Somas are, they are muscles relaxers. They give you a good buzz. Taking pills wasn't cool in high school, so I hid my pill taking. I always kept them in an Advil bottle, and I kept the Advil bottle in my back pack and I took the back pack to class with me. Not even the teachers asked me what I was taking. Somas make you feel like your body is rubber, and they give you an euphoric feeling. Nothing compared to the euphoric feeling you get from opiates, but a close second. My dad got Somas before he started getting Percocets. He never took his Somas, and he got 120 a month. I would only take about 1 to 2 every day, so his prescription would last me awhile. When he would run out, he thought my mom was taking them, and mom thought my dad was taking them. No one ever suspected that I was taking them.
Living in a small town left me going to small beer parties, a big party was thirty to forty people. I was lucky and had friends who really loved me, but because of my drug use I was and am a really shitty friend. My biggest regret is not having close girlfriends. That and not moving to New York City when I turned 18. I should have applied to some community college in one of the Burroughs in New York City and if I made it there I could have made it anywhere. Now I'm back in Oconto Falls/ Green Bay and my dreams seem so far away, some shattered like a mirror. I like to call mirrors leaks. Because mirrors are like leaks into another dimension. I never touch a mirror because I'm afraid my hand will be sucked into another world. I never look at the back of a mirror because its like looking through the back of another world, something you should never see.
When I was driving to the clinic I had this blog all written out in my head, but in writing it out on this voodoo screen it is totally different. I wrote about things I didn't even think about while driving to the clinic this morning.

As for news in my life, last night I got to spend all alone at home. My parents wanted to get out of the house. So they went to Appleton and got a hotel room to probably have sex in. I took the freedom to make a video of myself masturbating for Jess. Since my dildo is locked up in a storage shed in Green Bay, I substituted a smaller flashlight as a dildo. It was bright orange, and I finally figured out how to hold the camera phone, masturbate with one hand, and still get good shots of my pussy. It took some practice, but now I'm very comfortable with my camera phone.
Then later on in the evening I was just rubbing my clit, and for some reason I get right to edge of cumming and then it would just go away. I felt like a man who is about to cum and then loses his hard on. It was so frustrating that I slammed my hand up against the wall in. I just stopped trying after the fifth time it happened and seriously worried what was wrong with me. I think it was because my mind was going all over the place. I wasn't just thinking about one person while masturbating. I was adding in dead rock stars. I should have just kept my mind on Jess and maybe a hot chick.

To those of you who have been reading my blog since I started, remember when my dad was an extra on Lost when we lived in Hawaii? He had to get his head shots and jumps through a bunch of hoops, but he always wanted to be on TV. He ended up having his knees and the top part of his head, from his eyes to his hair on the show for a wedding scene. Well yesterday the casting director called my dad because they want him to be a stand in for one of the characters on Hawaii 5-0 and he would have a job all season. My dad can't take the job because he is a 100% disabled Vet, and gets Social Security Disability along with his retirement fund. He makes gets close to 7,000 a month. More than he made when he was working. He retired at forty six, and was forty seven when his youngest daughter died. He started getting gray hair at forty eight. I think he has had more problems after he retired than he did before he retired. If he took that job he would lose his 100% disability pay from the veterans, and Social Security and Met Life. He'd only have his retirement fund.

You want to know how my dad trys to talk me out of committing suicide?I'll tell you. He reminds me that he has a large life insurance policy, and after he dies I will get a lot of money. I always tell him he should put life insurance on me. If he did I'd make my suicide looks like an accident. Sometimes I wonder if that's what my sister did. If she did I'm so pissed at her, leaving me here alone with my parents who are way too over protective. My dad is bribing me to not kill myself. Plus me and my mom would have to split the money after my dad died, and I don't want my dad to die.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Love hangs herself with her bed sheets in her cell

So sick in my body, so sick in my soul. I live my life in ruins for you. Oh Heroin, my love burns through everything. I cannot break. Hey baby take it all the way down. I'm faded like a rose.

Did you freeze, did you weep, turn to gold , baby sleep, hey honey mine, I was there all the time, and I weep at your feet, and it rains, and rains, its no more.

I wake up flushed, I can smell my hair, and it smell good. Suddenly I'm in a hurry, but its only 5am. I hurry up and brush my teeth, and change my underwear and clothes. I grab my purse, and a drink of water. I go out to the living room, no-one else is up. I unplug my phone and I walk out the door. I get in the jeep, pull seat closer to the steering wheel, turn the radio station to 106.7FM, adjust my mirrors, and back up out of the driveway. I look at the gas tank and its full thank god. My dad went to the bar last night and usually when he goes out I have to put gas in the car the next morning. This morning I still have to stop at the gas station to get cigarettes and some water and something sweet.
I'm driving slowly because its so early and the clinic isn't even open yet. The sun is just coming up, but its cloudy out so it seems more dark out than it really is. I have my headlights on. There is a good song on the radio, the White Stripes. I haven't herd them in a while. I don't have them on my MP3, and I think to myself why don't I have them on there? I hear the weather forecast on the radio and its suppose to rain all day. This makes me happy, as we all know I love gray, rainy days. It keeps the hole inside me from feeling as though it is ripping through me like a sawed off shot gun blast. This does mean I can't go for a bike ride, but that's okay, I went for a really long bike ride yesterday and my legs still hurt today from that ride. Today I'll just read and write. No TV. Nothing is on during the day except for the Science channel, and Discovery Channel. The Movie channels repeat movies and I think I've seen them all. I think TV rots the brain anyway. My brain is almost completely rotted away from the boob tube. I do love the movie The Big Labowski, and can watch that movie every night for a month without rotting my brain.

While driving down to the clinic I let my mind just spin. I though about everything from the apartment we will be moving into on September 1st to doing laundry. I was rather excited to move out of this shit hole and into the apartment on the For River in Green Bay where my room will be rather large and I'll have my own bathroom. What I'm most excited about is that I'll be able to have my queen size sleigh bed in there with my dressers, and I get to decorate it. Which means I get to paint this huge canvas I have. I'm buying a white down comforter and I want either a violet color scheme or a red one. So I will decide when I paint that canvas. It will be the center piece of the room. Its not going to be a painting of anything, it will be an abstract. Just colors and shapes. I'm much better at those, although I can paint poppy plants rather well. The only thing that sucks about moving to Green Bay is moving back to Oconto Falls when the house is ready. That time I really am claiming mental health issues and getting out of moving. Two men and a truck can move me. They can move me this time too.

I get to the clinic and the clinic has only been open for about a half an hour, and nobody is there. Even if there were people there I would just go up to the window and dose, but this time I don't cut in front of anyone. I'm out even before the song that was on the radio before I went in is done. On my way home the rain starts to fall. I chain smoke, and just listen to the radio, try not to think of anything. I can't help but think about blogging. I wonder what I'll write about today. Nothing interesting has happened since I last blogged. I just want to get home so I can get on my phone and play with it. I swear its like crack, can't wait for that next hit. Ever since I got my phone, when I'm reading, and I put the book down, I'll pick up my phone to check my email and read the comments on my blog. Its like I can't stop.

I finally get home, and I run in the house to get out of the rain as fast as possible. I pull my phone out of my purse, and check my old email address, the one that all my blog comments go to. I have seven comments from this morning. All anonymous. Another one from "a blast from my past" I leave a long comment back to this blast from my past. I put a big discrepancy in my post yesterday about what happened after I smashed up my roommates stuff that Katrina would have noticed so I know its not Katrina. I never slept over at Katrina's house, I slept at my own house even after they begged me to sleep at Katrina's house. I knew I had to face the Piper. I just wanted to get it done and over with.

"Then I got this comment from another anonymous, but I think its from my ex Pete. This is what it said,
"Think of how you have hurt me. Broken dreams, broken promises...

but, addicts just make everything about them. Always, the world revolves around them. Nobody else has feelings. Nobody, but them gets hurt.

You just use whoever as long as you get your drugs, or smokes, or dog, or use of the car. Now you'll use Jess like the rest. Then you will fuck his life up too.

That's what you addicts do. Leave a trail of hurting people that love you. Love you too much.

~I don't want my daughter to grow up and someday be hassled by kids at school. I don't want people telling her that her parents were junkies-Kurt~"

If Pete wrote the above comment I had no idea he felt that way. In my only defence, I had told Pete when he first met me that my plan in life was to become a strung out junky and write a book about it. He still fell in love with me. Pete used drugs with me. When Pete and I first met we liked each other, but we didn't do anything about it. I lived in Oconto Falls he lived in Appleton. I was best friends with his sister who lived in Oconto Falls. It wasn't until his other sister got married, at her wedding that Pete and I became inseparable. He ended up getting fired from his job a week after the wedding and he came to Oconto Falls and moved into my parents house and we were together twenty four seven. I was at the beginning of my addiction. I wasn't physically hooked yet. I still had some sense of right and wrong. I didn't use people up and spit them out yet. It wasn't until 2 and an half years later that I lost direction and began using Pete. I got myself physically hooked, and would have and did do anything to get my hands on opiates. I stole money from him, I lied to him, I cheated on him, I was an all around bad person to him.
As for me doing the same thing to Jess. That is a low blow. I'm older than I was, and in recovery. When I relapse I feel like shit emotionally the next day, and hate myself and want to die. I have triggers. One of them is going through Menasha. Another one is getting my feeling hurt emotionally(even if I do it to myself). I had felt those triggers on Sunday and guess what happened? I relapsed. My busies are yellow now, almost gone. I'm not going to keep that much cash in my checking account anymore, so I can't get to it as easily.

I promise myself and Jess that if I ever go back to Heroin I would totally break off even sex with him. I won't hurt him with my selfish behavior. I now have my own income from SSI, and I don't need Jess for money. Plus I know that Jess wouldn't stay with me like Pete did if he knew I was using.

So those comments gave me something to blog about. Still this blog wasn't a very interesting one. It was mostly one for me to vent. I was mostly pissed that he said I would do the same thing to Jess, but I promised I would only write one paragraph about Jess from now on, so I stuck to my guns. Now I sort of blew it because here I am writing more about writing about Jess. Stupid isn't it.

Time for spell check.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My milk is your shit, your shit is my milk

So Jess and I have been texting as though my crazy emails have never happened. I don't plan on bringing it up. OMG no, I don't plan on bringing it up. Same goes for my relapse. I'm reminded of my relapse because of the bruises on my hands and wrists that I have to put makeup on every morning, noon, and night. When I look at my bruises I am conflicted. I am sickened and miss the high. I am pissed at myself for taking that exit and seeing short and tall with 300 dollars cash. Then again I got to reach a chemically induced Nirvana again. I had sex again, and I got high again. I traded feeling good for showing my crazy side to Jess.

I know why I got so paranoid that Jess didn't like me. It was after I smoked pot on Saturday. Whenever I smoke pot I think too much and I think my thoughts are the smartest thoughts in the world, and everyone else is thinking what I'm thinking. Fuck I remember why I don't use pot. Anyway, I smoked pot, and at first I got giggly and forgetful. Then I got to thinking, my god Jess is so much smarter than I am, if we were to ever be in a relationship he would have to dumb himself down for me. Explain everything to me in lay mans terms. Then I got to thinking do I really like Jess. I'm nervous around him. When ever he touches me I get little shivers. I still need to take Clonazepam and drink when I'm with him or I'd be too nervous. So from past experiences this means I like him a lot. From his actions towards me though, I don't think he likes me as much as I like him. So I had decided in my stoned mind that I would give him a way out. I felt that I needed to give him a way out, because earlier he had told me he didn't fire people because he was too nice to do it. He didn't want to admit that he was too nice to fire people, but he did. So if he didn't like me he wouldn't "fire" me. So one of my emails said, if he didn't want to see me anymore he didn't have to text me anymore. Which now reminds me after that he didn't text or email me for almost two days. It was me who sent the crazy emails and texted him. Almost forcing him to keep in contact with me. My offer to let him off easy wasn't so easy. OMG. Now look what I'm doing...I'm writing a whole fucking blog about it. (After today I promise I'll only use one paragraph for Jess.) Anyway, in my stoned mind I was very sure that I was going to get hurt. So I wanted to keep that from happening, but when I didn't hear from him for those couple of days I went through a few different emotions. First sad and hurt, I really like him, but he just doesn't feel the chemistry. Then I felt like oh well, now I can get back to how things were, the only thing I am going to miss is his cock. Trying to minimize the loss.

On Sunday Jess has off, and I'm going over there in the morning and am going to wake him up with a blow job. I don't know if he likes me for anything more than sex, but that's okay. Right now I'm just glad to have sex. If he doesn't want a relationship anymore that's okay, even though now I want one, I'll live through this. We haven't been texting as much anymore, we sort of texted the shit out of eachother. Probably a thousand text in three or four weeks.

Now, I'm sick of writing about Jess. That's the update. I'm not saying that you guys care hearing about him either. I'm just saying I just wrote in my journal about this, and now I'm blogging about it.

In other news, my new phone is like crack. Its addictive. I'm on it all the time. I only use the laptop to blog and to order stuff off the Internet. I just bought a Bikini Kill t-shit. One of my all time favorite bands. I rode my bike listening to them on the MP3 player today. "She's the queen of the neighborhood" I also ordered a Kill Rock stars label t-shirt. They have the best bands on that label. Elliott Smith was on Kill Rock stars. When I'm not on the laptop or reading I'm on my phone reading blogs, and writing emails to old friends. Shout out to Kaycee.

I got a comment from "a blast from my past" and I was worried that it was one of my best friends Katrina, so I emailed Kaycee my other best friend to get Katrina's email and phone number. So Kaycee came over to my blog and read it, she hadn't read it in a long time. Then she gave me Katrina's phone number so I called her, and she didn't answer. She wouldn't recognize my phone number, so I left a voicemail. I just asked her to either call me back or email me. I didn't tell her what it was about. This person said I owe them 20 some dollars, but I don't remember borrowing any money from Katrina. I don't think Katrina would say anything mean to me. We have been best friends since middle school. Me, Kaycee, Katrina have all been best friends. Kaycee and Katrina are a lot hotter than I am. They are both a lot more grown up than I am. Katrina looks like a tan Angelina Jolie. Kaycee is just beautiful I can't think of any famous person she looks like. We are like rock stars when we get together. We party hard. I remember one time I had a party at my house when all my room mates were gone, and I got black out drunk and ended up smashing all my room mates stuff, like the kitchen table, the chairs, the coffee table, ashtrays, my roommates skulls, and gargoyles, and speakers, dishes. Then Kaycee and Katrina took me to Oshkosh to Beer Gardens, and got some Coke in me to get me out of my black out. I sniffed some good Coke and I woke up, but I still didn't remember smashing up my house. We went to a bar from this guys place, and no-one told me I did this to the house. It wasn't until we were on our way back to Appleton that Kaycee and Katrina were like what are you going to tell your roommates about what you did to your house. I was like, "what did I do to my house?" Then they tell me, and tell them to speed up so I can clean up before my roommate gets home after she closes up the bar. So we get to the house, and Kaycee, Katrina, and I, all pulled together and cleaned up really fast. We fixed as much as we could. So if my roommate who got home around 3:30am called the cops I wouldn't get into too much trouble. Then Katrina asked if I wanted to sleep at her house, and I said yes. So I slept there just in case my roommates decided to call the cops on me. They never did, but when I got home the next afternoon I was screamed at by my other chick room mate. The other two guy roommates just asked me to never do anything like that again. To this day I don't remember trashing that house. What the hell came over me to want to smash everything in front of me. How I had the strength to smash a wooden kitchen table, and three wooden chairs. Coke is good for you in some ways.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The ocean is big and blue I want to sink to the bottom with you

This morning I went with my parents to look at these apartments on the Fox river in Green Bay. They were really nice, two baths, two bedrooms. Both bedrooms had walk in closets. My parents filled out the application and they are going to call us back when it gets approved, and then we move in September 1st. I was thinking about having a mental breakdown and checking myself into Nicolette Mental Health Center for a week or two so I don't have to help with the moving. Then again I'm still under the 90 day mandatory commitment. Which means if I stop taking my medication or attempt suicide and don't kill myself I would be committed to the hospital for 90 days, not just a 10-20 days like every other time I've been put in the nut house. So I guess I'll be helping move again for the millionth time since Angie died.

As for my relapse, well, it happened. I got high, and I have bruises on my hands and wrists. Yesterday I acted like a crazy person towards Jess. I emailed him these crazy emails. My true colors finally shown through. This is one of the emails I wrote him (tell me this isn't crazy)

"I'm never gonna know ya now, but I'm gonna love ya anyhow. Your the man she's married to now. She stares into space like a dead china doll.

I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good. I expect you'll just leave me alone now. I'm not whats missing from your life. I'm not the puzzle piece. No-one deserves this. The first time I saw you I knew this wouldn't last. I'm not half what I wish I was. I'm so angry I don't think it'll ever pass. I was bad news for you just because. I never meant to hurt you.

Yes, that is an email I sent out to Jess. That just one of them. There is more...two more. The other two are just as bad. Now that Jess knows I'm a crazy weirdo girl, I'm sure he's off of me. First thing I relapse and I tell him about it. Why the fuck did I tell him. I was planning on telling my parents, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I've been hiding my hands and wrists.

Last night I texted Jess, and his brother's girlfriend ended up texting me. I was crying because I just wanted someone to lay next to me and kiss my fresh track marks and make it all better. Tell me its okay, I only relapsed once and its been over a year since I used last time, so I'm still doing pretty good. I just have to get past this relapse. Either that, or I wanted someone there to kiss my track marks and tell me its okay Anna, Heroin is what you were meant to do. We'll just move out of this state, and move to a state where its easy to get dope and we would get high all the time. Just something to comfort me. Then again I got myself in this situation I have to deal with it on my own.

So now that Jess doesn't like me, I like him even more. Now I want to be in a relationship with him. He's perfectly imperfect. He's so smart I feel about as big as an ant around him. Which most people would think is a bad thing, but I find it sexy as hell. His cock is beautiful, and his body is great. He makes me laugh all the time, and just thinking about him right now gives me little shivers down my spine.

Why is it when a guy is not interested in me do I become more interested in him? Why did I ever even utter the words to Natalie, "I think Jess is hot", in the Methadone clinic, and why did she tell him? Why did he care? Why did he want her to give me his phone number, and she give me the wrong phone number? When they asked me for my number I told them I didn't have a phone. It wasn't until they told me they weren't going to be coming to the clinic any longer that I gave them my mom's cell phone number so they could get a hold of me. Then I get a text from Jess. It worked out in such a fucked up way, but it worked out. I ended up getting laid by a fucking hot ass guy that I really, really like.

Now it seems as though Jess is over me, and will be moving on. I know most of my readers will say I deserve it.

I wish I would have never even brought up my relapse to him, and never even brought up that I don't think he likes me. Things would be normal still. But I did what I did. Now its out there. So now you guys might not have to hear about me talk about Jess much longer. I wish he would let me still fuck him. No strings attached. Just call up have sex, no sleep over. Just sex. He doesn't have to be exclusive to me. I would be exclusive to him, just because I want to. I don't want to fuck more than one guy at a time. Too much shit to deal with.

If Jess and I are still fucking in September I can't wait to have him over to have a sex fest at our new apartment in Green Bay. Hopefully he would be able to take a few days of work off. Two days would be fine. I would have my big bed there, and there would be a bathroom that would be just mine, so we could shower together.
Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean he can't have sex with me, right? I don't plan on relapsing again. Its way too expensive. It caused me to become a crazed stalker. Totally not cool.

Oh yes, in the new apartment there is no smoking. Not even on the balcony. So that would cut my smoking down a lot. No more chain smoking. I have hundreds of patches, and I'm have an appointment with my Doctor, and I'll have him write me a new prescription for more patches. That way I can wear two at a time. I smoke so much I need to wear two at a time. The apartment has a fitness room, and a lounge where you can sit and use wireless Internet and watch cable TV. Plus we would live right on a boardwalk. Perfect for walking and biking. Eleanor loves it. When we used to live in Green Bay me and my mother used to drive to the river walk to walk Eleanor. Its as pretty as it gets in Green Bay. Its nothing compared to the Pacific Ocean, but its pretty.

So that's whats going on in my little life now. I've lost the one good thing that's happened to me in two years. Thanks self-esteem, and Junk.

I'm on this medication that can cause lactation. I've never noticed any milk come out of my nipples, but after sex with Jess he pointed out I had milk coming out of my nipple. Before I even thought about it I wiped my nipple off. So I didn't even get to see this lactation. Ever since I read the side affects from this medication was lactation I have been squeezing my nipples to see if milk would come out. It never happened for me. Then it happens for Jess. So I'm guessing it only happens when I cum, and my nipples get erect, then milk leaks out of my nipple. After he noticed it I tried to squeeze it to get more out, but none came out. Next time I masturbate and cum, I'm going to play with my nipples a lot and I'm going to see if I can get milk to squirt out of my nipple. Not many women that never had children ever get to feel what its like to lactate, but I do. Sorry if I grossed anyone out. Probably grossed Jess out. The medication is Risperidone. Its a mild anti Pshycotic for my rare delusional thinking. I forget the name of the blog where I wrote about my delusional thinking/Bi Polar diagnosis. I tend to not believe whole heartily in physcology. I'm just a little more strange than most people. I slip into characters easy that doesn't make me delusional. Whatever. I get money for being crazy. I'm not going to argue with that.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends. Take a bite of my heart tonight. I won't sleep tonight your just a carnivor

It begins Saturday around 3:20pm, when I leave Oconto Falls for Oshkosh to see Jess. I leave early because Natalie wants to me to bring Eleanor and my book, "I Hate Myself and Want to Die", so she read the book and play with Eleanor. So I leave early buy some beer, and a Sparks, because I brought along a bunch of Clonazepam. This time I didn't drink and drive, nor did I take a bunch of Clonazepam and drive. I had a lot more Cloanzepam because my mom had left the bottle out the other night and I got my hands on it and took like thirty pills from the bottle for my own personal use.

When I get to Jess' dad's house, Natalie and Rory and their friend Melissa are there. Eleanor is scared and sticks close by me. I feel embarrassed that my dog is such a mamas girl that she won't even go by other people, but what am I suppose to do. Force her to be something she's not. Nope, so I let her sit and cuddle by me. It is super hot outside, hot and humid. Jess rode his bike home from work. Poor guy it was supper hot out. If I were him I would have wanted to go swimming as soon as I got home. Instead he drank a cold beer and sat out in the garage with all of us and just shot the shit. After a while he whispered in my ear, "I wanna go makeout". I smiled at him, and I also wanted to go make out, but didn't want to seem rude and leave the garage with Eleanor crying behind me. So we stayed out there for a few hours longer. Then Jess, just because he was bored texted me Hi. and I texted back, want to have sex? He texted beck Yes. So I gave Eleanor to Natalie and Natalie and Melissa were going to take Elle for a walk.

Jess and I went up to his room. He still has his mattress on the floor as it has been since I'd left. I don't remember who kissed who first, but soon we were making out, and I was going down on him. He had me stop, and I stumbled from his cock to the side of his mattress and pulled of my pants and t-shirt. I was wearing a camisole which my tits just popped right out of, and there was no need for me to take it off, plus it was skin colored. I think though, he would have rather me taken off the top. Jess went down on me, and licked my clit. I came really fast. Like my pussy had been waiting and waiting for some oral action and as soon as it got some I came like river. Then Jess proceeded to fuck me. He fucked me good, and then deep, and then hard. It was perfect. I came again. Jess is an amazing fuck. If there is any girl out there who has never cum before I suggest you have sex with Jess because you'll know what it feels like to cum.

On to the more interesting information about Saturday and Sunday. Saturday after sex I decided to try three hits off joint. Plus I had been popping Clonazepam like candy. Normally I don't poke smot because it makes me vomit. As long as I don't smoke too much of it. If I only take two or three small hits I'm okay. I just get giggly, and then really introspective. So that's what happened. I smoked the aforementioned pot, and at first got giggly, then I got introspective. I came to the conclusion the Jess only liked me because I just happened to be there at the right time, and that I wasn't good enough for him. He is way too smart for me. I'm horrible at math and he used to be a mathlete. The only thing I have to show for myself is "I Hate Myself and Want to Die". Which isn't very much. A self published book. Anyone could do that.

Smoking pot isn't the worst of it. On my way home from Oshkosh Sunday morning around 10am. I took one of the exits I used to take to get to my old dealers house. First I stopped at their parents house to see if they were still living in the same place. There were. My old dealers were brothers. Before going to there house I stopped off at a gas station and got 300 dollars out of an ATM. Then I stopped in to see the Brothers. Both of whom are gay. They both loved Eleanor, so I figured that would buy me points with them. Plus they haven't seen me in three years. So knock on their door, and "the short one" lets me in. He hugs me and screams my name and Eleanor's name and can't believe its us. "The tall one" comes out of the bed room where he was fixing and gives me a hug, and they have me tell them everything that has happened since I last saw them. They know about Hawaii, and my legal problems. They don't know that my legal problems have been cleared up, or that I spent 77 days in jail, or that I tried to kill myself in September and in April. So I fill them in, and I tell them what dose I'm on at the Methadone clinic. They've both been on the Methadone, so they know it takes a lot of Heroin to get high on top of the Methadone. I gave them the 300 bucks I got out of the ATM and they gave me 2and half grams of Heroin and 100 hundred dollars worth of Dilauded. Plus some free Heroin to shoot up while I was there. Which of course I didn't even feel. It wasn't until I got home and that I shot up two and have grams of H in one shot that I felt that rush of the H run up the back of my neck, and then Nirvana hit. A few hours later I shot up all the Dilauded and I was blasted. I emailed Jess this email about, how I think he is using me because he doesn't want to be alone, not because he likes me, but it took me like two hours to write that email out, and it still made little to no sense. I typed it out on my phone so it made it even harder to do high. I stayed in my room all night. I tried to write in my journal all the things I was thinking but I'd start writing and then I'd wake up and there would be scribbles all over the paper. Pen all over my face.

I told Jess about my relapse and now he's mad at me. WTF, why would he care? I'm pissed at myself for relapsing. I had over a year in clean of Heroin and Dilauded. Now I have one day clean. Starting over from scratch. I wish Jess could just come over to my place. I'll wait until Sept.1st for him to come over. The place we are living in right now is too small. That is even if Jess still wants anything to do with me. I told him if he didn't want anything to do with me he didn't have to text or email me anymore, and I would just leave him alone. So far today he emailed me to tell me not to email him. Its not looking too good.

So I've gone and blown it. I would have blown it anyway soon or later. I just didn't get why he liked me. He was so sweet, and said so many sweet things to me. I've never been with a guy who's said nice things too me. I was the one who said I just wanted him for sexual purposes. I guess girls just aren't programed for that.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Secrects under my pillow

Tomorrow I will again be bedded by Jess. I can't wait to have sex again. I'm sure you guys are excited to hear about it again. This time he told me not to wear deodorant because he likes to lick armpits(its his fetish) and deodorant tastes bad. So I'll do as he asks.

I would have thought after the first time I wouldn't be nervous again, but I am. Weird huh? I guess its normal to have butterflies in your stomach when its only your second time with someone. Plus it has to be planned out because I live so far away. I'm not used to sex being planned. I'm used to it just happening. When its planned I have time to go over in my head every thing that could go wrong. It causes a lot of anxiety. I'm sure its the same for him. Well maybe not. He doesn't have the same body issues as I do.

I'm suffering from writers block right now. Nothing is coming to me. I'm watching Big Brother after Dark on Showtime 2 taped on DVR from last night. Eleanor is sitting next to me, and my parents are gone getting something for the horses in Bonduel Wisconsin. My dad just found out today that he got an extra 60,000 dollars from the Veterans to put into the new house, so there will be more construction on the new house so our move in date is going to be put back. My mom put up a huge fit, and she doesn't want to leave for Hawaii in the middle of August, so we are going to look at an Apartment in Green Bay on Monday. Its a really nice apartment in downtown Green Bay Wisconsin. One of the only high rise apartments in Green Bay right on the Fox river. Both my parents and I cannot stand living were we are.

We ended up here in the country outside of my hometown of Oconto Falls in a trailer that my uncle David owns. The reason the we moved in here is because when we came home from Hawaii we had no place to come home to. We came back to Wisconsin on a lark. I had gotten approved for SSI, and I had to get my jail time over with to start getting my payments. So my parents flew us all home, and my uncle David offered us his trailer because he was moving into an apartment and it would be perfect. We would pay him 500 a month(which is way too much this place is only worth 350 a month) and we would have a place to keep the horses, on his land. Now my dad is selling the horses. He wants to be able to travel without having to worry about paying to stable the horses. Its expensive to keep horses when you travel. Its expensive to just keep horses.

I got to go.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Is it destruction that your required to feel?

So I'm up in Medford WI because my dog died. No, not Eleanor Rigby. Thank God!!! I have two dogs aside from Eleanor. Shawnee and Shasta. I got Shawnee when I was in 8th grade, and Shasta when I was 18. So Shawnee was a family dog. She belonged to Mom, Dad, Angie, and me. I got Shasta when I was with my high school sweet heart William. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 20, we got a dog when I became of age finally. When we broke up and I moved back in with my parents Shasta came with me. Pete and I got together shortly afterword and Shasta became my parents dog sort of. My dad really loved Shasta because I had trained her really well. Shasta is a really smart dog. She was potty trained in no time. She never needed a leash, she always stayed by your side when you went for a walk. With Shawnee, I was too young to train her. She was potty trained though, and she didn't need a leash all the time, but she did in the woods because she would run deer. My parents had Shawnee and Shasta up until my parents go back together and all three of us moved down to Hawaii together. Since then Shawnee and Shasta have been living with my aunt up here in Medford WI. Now Shawnee has died of old age.

I left for the clinic early this morning and we then left for Medford from the clinic. We got here around 9:30am. As soon as we got here we buried Shawnee. Just me and my mom came. My dad stayed home. His heart wasn't broken. I guess he's not as attached to dogs after he gives them away. We were going to get Shawnee and Shasta back as soon as we were at the new house this fall. They would go back to my aunts when we went back to Hawaii. Eleanor would come with us, because she is my medically necessary companion dog. Plus she is only five pounds compared to the sixty pounds Shawnee and Shasta are.

At the clinic this morning I got into trouble again. I had forgotten my purse in the car, and I left my pills in my purse. I have to take my Bi Polar meds in front of the nurse before she can give my dose. So I run out to the car to get my purse, without a bra on. Mind you there are only guys in the waiting room, and there are big windows down the sidewalk to my car. When I get back in the clinic all the guys start clapping and laughing. So I bow, and flash them. Just as I'm pulling my shirt down one of the councilors comes down the hall and sees me. So I get written up. Now if I do one more thing wrong I get kicked out of there, and would have to go to the clinic in Menasha.

I found out yesterday that Shawnee died, and today I was suppose to go see Jess again and we were going to screw again. Which I wanted to do very,very, very, very badly. Which I still want to do very, very badly. Now I have to wait until Saturday again. Now that I've broken my two year streak, I can't wait for more sex. I want my legs to get used to being on top again. I want to practice. Even if Jess gets sick of me I still want to have as much sex with him as I can. I want to get as good at it as I once was and be the best lay he's ever had. I can guarantee that he's never had anyone who will allow him to act out every fantasy he's ever had. I have to go out and buy a cock ring, that reminds me. I was thinking of buying one of those dildos that suction to a hard surface and you can ride it. I think that would be good practice for my legs. I should buy that online after I finish this blog. Wait I can't buy it on my aunts computer, but I can buy it on my phone. Thank god for smart phones with web browsers on them.

Oh yes, all the money I've saved up for Hawaii, I've decided to pay off some of the hospital bills I accumulated when I was scamming Dilauded out of doctors at the height of my addiction. I have enough to pay about half of those Dr. bills off. So at least my credit will be a little better. I might even be able to open a checking account. The four grand I borrowed my parents is still going towards Hawaii, but they haven't paid me back yet. So that's like having money in the bank. Its just not tangible.

So right now my mom and my aunt are talking about Hawaii. My aunt wants to come visit us in Hawaii this time. Going Scuba diving. My mom and dad are talking about going to Hawaii in the middle of August. I would wait 120 days for Eleanor's quarantine for Rabies blood test to be over before I go down there. Plus I would want to see how things with Jess work out. It would be nice to take Jess to Hawaii with me. I'm scared though. I don't want to stress him out. I don't want to take him away from his friends and family. Its really expensive to live there. My parents would have to really like him for him to be able to live with my parents. I think my parents are sick of having my boyfriends live with them. Although Jess is the first guy I liked who has held down a job the longest. I do think my dad would like Jess. My mom would definitely like him. Who knows if they will ever meet. If he ever comes over for a sex fest then they would meet.

I wonder if you guys will get sick of hearing about my sex life? Because you know on Sunday I will again tell you everything of what happened during Saturday and my time with Jess during sex and during just down time with him. You guys are going to get sick of hearing about Jess. Hopefully sex will keep it interesting. Sex has taken over my drug talk though. Has anyone noticed that. Normally I would talk about how much I want to shoot up Heroin, but instead I want to have Jess' cock inside of me. I want to draw out this sunshine and candy bar part of lusting after someone for as long as I possibly can.

If my parents do leave for Hawaii in August, and for some reason the house isn't done, I won't have a place to live. I would have to rent myself an apartment. I'd have to find a place that doesn't ask you to sign a year lease. That would be fucking hard.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Worst blog ever

So I've spent my entire day trying to get the email on my htc smart phone to work today. I finally had to switch from yahoo to gmail to be able to write an email from my contacts and then for my phone to alert me when I get an email. Before I was only able to use the email on the Internet browser on my phone. Its been a long strange trip. More of a long annoying day. Emailing Jess just to see if he received the email, because he's the only person I know with email on their phone. Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered him with it. I got it done so I won't be bothering him with it. From now on when I email him it will only be about sex. The sex we had or the sex were going to have.

I got into trouble at the Methadone clinic on Saturday. I've been talking too much about my using past to the other patients. I've been caught too many times by the councilors. So on Saturday Meghan was there, and we were outside talking. I was telling her about my big night ahead of me. She was telling me that I shouldn't have sex with him the first time I see him in six years. He would respect me more. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't exactly looking for respect. We got to chatting, but we were away from the windows. It wasn't until her baby's daddy came out and we started walking towards her car that my councilor came out and yelled at Meghan to go home. She pulled me by the arm in the clinic and into Pat's office. That's the office they all use on Saturday's. She sits me down, and asks if I know why I'm in there, and I guessed it right on the head. The first thing my councilor asks is if I think I'm cycling again. Then I panic, are my moods cycling again? I do feel good. Am I in a hyper manic state. Do I have to prepare myself for a major crash? I tell Jamie I don't think I'm cycling. I couldn't tell her about Jess. I'm not allowed to see anyone while I'm on the Methadone. My councilor's rule. Even though when my councilor(who is only a year and a half older than I) is sitting out in the waiting are with me she and I point out all the hot guys together. I have two guys that I think are super hot. So hot I'm too scared to talk in front of them. Anyway, back to her yelling at me and scaring me into thinking I'm cycling out of control again. So she tells me my punishment. From now on when I come to the clinic I don't bother to take a number or sit down, I just go straight up to the dosing window and get dosed. I thought to myself that isn't a punishment. That's like getting let off work early with pay for screwing up. I pretended that I was appalled. I was like oh shit, now all the other patients are going to hate me. Like I give a shit. I hate them. I normally like my councilor. She is level headed, and has a good heart. Knock on wood. I asked her how long I won't be waiting in the waiting room, and she said it could be for as long as I go to the clinic. Wow, great.

This morning I stopped at the mall after my morning dose too see if they could get the email on my phone to work. They couldn't do it, it was because I had to pay for my yahoo mail, if I got gmail it was free. Which is why I got gmail. Except I can't change my email on blogger over to gmail as my main email for some reason, so to check my comments I have to go to my yahoo account. So I'm not deleting it. At the mall my good friend Meghan called, and wanted all the details about Saturday night. So I gave them to her. I told her every detail. About the cum on the tits. About the blow jobs, and how many times I came. How he only came three time to my seven. How I felt bad about that, and how I felt bad about him having to do all the work on his bad knee. I'm getting horny just talking about this right now.

Enough about that. I'm sure I've bored you to death. I've told you about the sex with Jess. I don't really have too much to write about. I'm fucking bored to death right now. I can tell you I sort of regret telling Jess that I wouldn't start a relationship with him. I like him so very much. Then I go over in my head the reasons I said no, and I know I made the right decision. Still my body wants me to say yes. Part of my mind does too. I'd like to get laid by Jess a lot more often. I'd like to see Jess a lot more often. I'm sure that can be arranged.

Gledwood is going to put up a hit counter up so you guys can see how many hits I get and which blog posts everyone is reading. Thank God for Gledwood. I know I have a lot of readers because of him. Plus he's always asking me for naked photos of myself. I didn't promise him anything. I have to go. My eyes keep closing on me. Sorry this was one of the worst blogs in the history of blogs.