I thought today I'd regale you with tales from my past, growing up in a small town of 2,202 people. I was born 2/2/1983 so I like twos. Perfect population I used to think, back when I was younger and didn't know any better. I was born in Oconto Falls and didn't move out of Oconto Falls until I was 20 years old. After 20 I moved probably 20 times, and have been homeless twice. Wait that is untrue, when I was four our family moved to Green Bay for two years, while my mom went to school to get her BS in nursing. She already had an associates degree in nursing, but she wanted to get paid more. My dad was already working at Fort Howard, the job he had most of my life. I was molested by neighbor while living in Green Bay. I told my dad one night and he left the house with a baseball bat and came home bloody. I remember the cops came and were going to arrest my dad, but they asked me questions about what my neighbor had done to me, and my dad didn't get into trouble. My neighbor ended up being taken away by the cops. Angie(my sister), myself, and two other girls in the neighborhood ended up testifying in a trial that put Mr. Lizner away for 10 years. I don't think that the molestation effected me that much really. He never had intercourse with us. He just had us put his penis in our little mouths, and he would touch our little private parts. He liked us to get naked and swim in his pool. Which I didn't mind doing at all. His penis was rather small so it wasn't hard to put in my mouth. I didn't know that I was suppose to move my head back and forth so I just sat there with his penis in my mouth. He would say lick it, and shit like that. It would only last like ten minutes at a time. Then he would cum, I didn't know that was what was happening. I though he was peeing thick pee on me, or on his hand. I seen him do the same thing to my sister. She was bothered a lot more by this than I was. She started to loose her hair. Which is why I told my dad. Mr. Lizner had told us not to tell anyone, but I didn't think it was so wrong. I've never thought of sex as wrong. Looking back, he did take innocence away from me. I learned about sex way before I should have. My poor sister was only 3 years old. She was so stressed out that she was loosing hair. She didn't even know how to ride a bike yet, she had to where floaties on her arms in the pool to swim. The older girl Crystal would take us to Mr. Lizner's house to swim, and our parents trusted that nothing bad was happening. Enough about that. There is a lot of stuff I don't even remember about that. Thank God. Angie didn't remember hardly anything as we got older, which I was very thankful for. She probably would have had a lot harder time with it. I'm sure she had some memories and that probably haunted her enough.
Back to small town life. Living in Oconto Falls, what we did for fun in high school, after school is pound laps around town. Take Main St. to Chestnut Ave. to Hyland Dr. back to Main St. We would see who was at which gas station, who was at the beach. The beach is on Main St. and that's where all the high schoolers congregate. Especially at lunch. Our high school has off campus lunch, so the crowd I hung out with went to the beach to eat lunch. Sometimes, I would go with my stoner friends and drive down dead end roads and smoke pot with them. The town is so small that about a mile away from the high school is the Machickanee Forest, and there is a lot of dead end roads in there. I hardly ever smoked pot with them. One of the few times that I did, I drove back to school and I forgot to put my car in park, and my car rolled out of the parking lot and way into the school yard next to a tree. I didn't hear them paging me because I was in the bathroom vomiting. Before that I was in Speech class and Mr. Vorman was reading out of the text book and I started hysterically laughing at the name Rich Richwell. I was so stoned, everyone around me had to know it. There was no hiding it. When I finally herd the page over the intercom that my car had rolled into the grass the day was almost over with, and everyone was making fun of me for not putting my car in park. I couldn't tell anyone why I didn't put in park, because I was dating a guy who didn't smoke pot and was totally against me smoking pot. I ended up going out to my car when the end of the day bell rang. So everyone saw me walk to my car way out into the school yard which is really big in Oconto Falls. Then they watched me drive it off the grass onto the one way road which was always packed right after school, so I had to wait for someone to let me in to get off the grass.
When I finally got home to my boyfriends house he wanted to go out to trap shoot. I had to drive. So I get back in the car, and were driving along, and I'm still really stoned. Suddenly we are in a 55 mph zone and William looks at me and says, "what the hell is wrong with you"? I'm look at him, and ask "why"? He glances at the speedometer and says your only doing 8 mph. I swear to you I never thought any thing was so funny in my entire life, I laughed until I was crying. I sped up, but at 15mph it felt like I was doing 70mph. I could not control my laughter. William figured out that I was stoned, and was pissed at me.
In Oconto Falls High school where you parked in the parking lot defined what group of people you hung out with. The Rednex, the jocks, the stoners, those were the three groups. Unfortunately there were no geeks. I wish there were geeks. I would have parked by the geeks. I tried to park by the teachers. Then again I only went to the regular high school for two years, I was put into the alternative high school because I cut school so often. So I didn't care who's area I parked in. The rednex were the most territorial about this parking lot rule. Because my sister was a redneck I was allowed to park by the rednex, but I was more of stoner even though I didn't use pot. What I did use was Soma's. For those of you who don't know what Somas are, they are muscles relaxers. They give you a good buzz. Taking pills wasn't cool in high school, so I hid my pill taking. I always kept them in an Advil bottle, and I kept the Advil bottle in my back pack and I took the back pack to class with me. Not even the teachers asked me what I was taking. Somas make you feel like your body is rubber, and they give you an euphoric feeling. Nothing compared to the euphoric feeling you get from opiates, but a close second. My dad got Somas before he started getting Percocets. He never took his Somas, and he got 120 a month. I would only take about 1 to 2 every day, so his prescription would last me awhile. When he would run out, he thought my mom was taking them, and mom thought my dad was taking them. No one ever suspected that I was taking them.
Living in a small town left me going to small beer parties, a big party was thirty to forty people. I was lucky and had friends who really loved me, but because of my drug use I was and am a really shitty friend. My biggest regret is not having close girlfriends. That and not moving to New York City when I turned 18. I should have applied to some community college in one of the Burroughs in New York City and if I made it there I could have made it anywhere. Now I'm back in Oconto Falls/ Green Bay and my dreams seem so far away, some shattered like a mirror. I like to call mirrors leaks. Because mirrors are like leaks into another dimension. I never touch a mirror because I'm afraid my hand will be sucked into another world. I never look at the back of a mirror because its like looking through the back of another world, something you should never see.
When I was driving to the clinic I had this blog all written out in my head, but in writing it out on this voodoo screen it is totally different. I wrote about things I didn't even think about while driving to the clinic this morning.
As for news in my life, last night I got to spend all alone at home. My parents wanted to get out of the house. So they went to Appleton and got a hotel room to probably have sex in. I took the freedom to make a video of myself masturbating for Jess. Since my dildo is locked up in a storage shed in Green Bay, I substituted a smaller flashlight as a dildo. It was bright orange, and I finally figured out how to hold the camera phone, masturbate with one hand, and still get good shots of my pussy. It took some practice, but now I'm very comfortable with my camera phone.
Then later on in the evening I was just rubbing my clit, and for some reason I get right to edge of cumming and then it would just go away. I felt like a man who is about to cum and then loses his hard on. It was so frustrating that I slammed my hand up against the wall in. I just stopped trying after the fifth time it happened and seriously worried what was wrong with me. I think it was because my mind was going all over the place. I wasn't just thinking about one person while masturbating. I was adding in dead rock stars. I should have just kept my mind on Jess and maybe a hot chick.
To those of you who have been reading my blog since I started, remember when my dad was an extra on Lost when we lived in Hawaii? He had to get his head shots and jumps through a bunch of hoops, but he always wanted to be on TV. He ended up having his knees and the top part of his head, from his eyes to his hair on the show for a wedding scene. Well yesterday the casting director called my dad because they want him to be a stand in for one of the characters on Hawaii 5-0 and he would have a job all season. My dad can't take the job because he is a 100% disabled Vet, and gets Social Security Disability along with his retirement fund. He makes gets close to 7,000 a month. More than he made when he was working. He retired at forty six, and was forty seven when his youngest daughter died. He started getting gray hair at forty eight. I think he has had more problems after he retired than he did before he retired. If he took that job he would lose his 100% disability pay from the veterans, and Social Security and Met Life. He'd only have his retirement fund.
You want to know how my dad trys to talk me out of committing suicide?I'll tell you. He reminds me that he has a large life insurance policy, and after he dies I will get a lot of money. I always tell him he should put life insurance on me. If he did I'd make my suicide looks like an accident. Sometimes I wonder if that's what my sister did. If she did I'm so pissed at her, leaving me here alone with my parents who are way too over protective. My dad is bribing me to not kill myself. Plus me and my mom would have to split the money after my dad died, and I don't want my dad to die.