Monday, July 19, 2010

Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends. Take a bite of my heart tonight. I won't sleep tonight your just a carnivor

It begins Saturday around 3:20pm, when I leave Oconto Falls for Oshkosh to see Jess. I leave early because Natalie wants to me to bring Eleanor and my book, "I Hate Myself and Want to Die", so she read the book and play with Eleanor. So I leave early buy some beer, and a Sparks, because I brought along a bunch of Clonazepam. This time I didn't drink and drive, nor did I take a bunch of Clonazepam and drive. I had a lot more Cloanzepam because my mom had left the bottle out the other night and I got my hands on it and took like thirty pills from the bottle for my own personal use.

When I get to Jess' dad's house, Natalie and Rory and their friend Melissa are there. Eleanor is scared and sticks close by me. I feel embarrassed that my dog is such a mamas girl that she won't even go by other people, but what am I suppose to do. Force her to be something she's not. Nope, so I let her sit and cuddle by me. It is super hot outside, hot and humid. Jess rode his bike home from work. Poor guy it was supper hot out. If I were him I would have wanted to go swimming as soon as I got home. Instead he drank a cold beer and sat out in the garage with all of us and just shot the shit. After a while he whispered in my ear, "I wanna go makeout". I smiled at him, and I also wanted to go make out, but didn't want to seem rude and leave the garage with Eleanor crying behind me. So we stayed out there for a few hours longer. Then Jess, just because he was bored texted me Hi. and I texted back, want to have sex? He texted beck Yes. So I gave Eleanor to Natalie and Natalie and Melissa were going to take Elle for a walk.

Jess and I went up to his room. He still has his mattress on the floor as it has been since I'd left. I don't remember who kissed who first, but soon we were making out, and I was going down on him. He had me stop, and I stumbled from his cock to the side of his mattress and pulled of my pants and t-shirt. I was wearing a camisole which my tits just popped right out of, and there was no need for me to take it off, plus it was skin colored. I think though, he would have rather me taken off the top. Jess went down on me, and licked my clit. I came really fast. Like my pussy had been waiting and waiting for some oral action and as soon as it got some I came like river. Then Jess proceeded to fuck me. He fucked me good, and then deep, and then hard. It was perfect. I came again. Jess is an amazing fuck. If there is any girl out there who has never cum before I suggest you have sex with Jess because you'll know what it feels like to cum.

On to the more interesting information about Saturday and Sunday. Saturday after sex I decided to try three hits off joint. Plus I had been popping Clonazepam like candy. Normally I don't poke smot because it makes me vomit. As long as I don't smoke too much of it. If I only take two or three small hits I'm okay. I just get giggly, and then really introspective. So that's what happened. I smoked the aforementioned pot, and at first got giggly, then I got introspective. I came to the conclusion the Jess only liked me because I just happened to be there at the right time, and that I wasn't good enough for him. He is way too smart for me. I'm horrible at math and he used to be a mathlete. The only thing I have to show for myself is "I Hate Myself and Want to Die". Which isn't very much. A self published book. Anyone could do that.

Smoking pot isn't the worst of it. On my way home from Oshkosh Sunday morning around 10am. I took one of the exits I used to take to get to my old dealers house. First I stopped at their parents house to see if they were still living in the same place. There were. My old dealers were brothers. Before going to there house I stopped off at a gas station and got 300 dollars out of an ATM. Then I stopped in to see the Brothers. Both of whom are gay. They both loved Eleanor, so I figured that would buy me points with them. Plus they haven't seen me in three years. So knock on their door, and "the short one" lets me in. He hugs me and screams my name and Eleanor's name and can't believe its us. "The tall one" comes out of the bed room where he was fixing and gives me a hug, and they have me tell them everything that has happened since I last saw them. They know about Hawaii, and my legal problems. They don't know that my legal problems have been cleared up, or that I spent 77 days in jail, or that I tried to kill myself in September and in April. So I fill them in, and I tell them what dose I'm on at the Methadone clinic. They've both been on the Methadone, so they know it takes a lot of Heroin to get high on top of the Methadone. I gave them the 300 bucks I got out of the ATM and they gave me 2and half grams of Heroin and 100 hundred dollars worth of Dilauded. Plus some free Heroin to shoot up while I was there. Which of course I didn't even feel. It wasn't until I got home and that I shot up two and have grams of H in one shot that I felt that rush of the H run up the back of my neck, and then Nirvana hit. A few hours later I shot up all the Dilauded and I was blasted. I emailed Jess this email about, how I think he is using me because he doesn't want to be alone, not because he likes me, but it took me like two hours to write that email out, and it still made little to no sense. I typed it out on my phone so it made it even harder to do high. I stayed in my room all night. I tried to write in my journal all the things I was thinking but I'd start writing and then I'd wake up and there would be scribbles all over the paper. Pen all over my face.

I told Jess about my relapse and now he's mad at me. WTF, why would he care? I'm pissed at myself for relapsing. I had over a year in clean of Heroin and Dilauded. Now I have one day clean. Starting over from scratch. I wish Jess could just come over to my place. I'll wait until Sept.1st for him to come over. The place we are living in right now is too small. That is even if Jess still wants anything to do with me. I told him if he didn't want anything to do with me he didn't have to text or email me anymore, and I would just leave him alone. So far today he emailed me to tell me not to email him. Its not looking too good.

So I've gone and blown it. I would have blown it anyway soon or later. I just didn't get why he liked me. He was so sweet, and said so many sweet things to me. I've never been with a guy who's said nice things too me. I was the one who said I just wanted him for sexual purposes. I guess girls just aren't programed for that.


Anonymous said...

well, ya screwed that up now didnt ya..
keep doing the same thing expecting different results...

i bet ya feel great about stealing from mom.. (now thats really low)

i am sure she is so fucking proud of ya.. all happy and tingly about her meds missing..

u need a program. u need to stop being enabled by your parents.
u need to stop sucking money from taxpayers to do drugs..

i hope he never calls you. why drag him onto such a messed up life.

go back to the island and live on skid row, sounds harsh, but that is the life of drugs. been there, done that..

you still owe me $24

u are better off in jail..

make a meeting.

blast from the past

AnnaGrace said...

Of course I screwed up. Duh! I didn't steal from my mom. The Clonazepam are mine. I have a prescription for three a day, but my mom only gives me one a day. So I took a handfull because I knew I wouldn't run out anytime soon.

I am in a program.

Who the hell is this. Why are you so afraid to say who you are? BTW, if you don't tell me who you are I can't pay you back your 20 some dollars. What if you told me who you are and we made some kind of re connection. You seem to be very negative, and hate me so I doubt that. I hope this is not my best friends Katrina or Kaycee, because that would really hurt my feelings. I don't think I borrowed money from them.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm not programmed for that. Definitely not. I guess some women are.



Anonymous said...

in some of the NA/AA/rehab lingo I've read they say that relapse is part of recovery...don't beat yourself up about it. Just go on with what you have been doing to stay on the 'done. Don't dwell on it.
When I get my 'done I drink all 3 days at once so for one day I am high as hell but feel like shit the other two...why do I do this? Coz I choose too.


Anonymous said...

think of how you may have hurt me? broken dreams, broken promises...

but, addicts just make evrything about them. always, the world revolves around them. no body else has feelings. nobody but them get hurt.

you just use whoever as long as you get your drugs or smokes or dog or use of the car.. now you will use jess like the rest.. then you will fuck his life up too..

thats what you addicts do. leave a trail of hurting people that love you. love you too much..

"I don't want my daughter to grow up and someday be hassled by kids at school...
I don't want people telling her that her parents were junkies" - Kurt

Anonymous said...

Who has more brains then Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.


I'm going to start a shitty band and write below-average songs.

Then I'll kill myself.

Then I'll be worshiped by teenagers.

Why did the Toronto Maple Leafs try to sign Kurt Cobain?
They heard he was a killer on the face offs.

What was Kurt Cobain quoted as saying in his last interview
before he blasted his brains out with a shotgun?
He said in his mind, Hole was going to be the next big thing.

How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?
With a squeegee!

What do Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love have in common?
They both shower after the third period.

What was the last thing to go through Cobain's mind?
His teeth.

What has four legs and just applied at McDonald's?

What's the difference between Kurt Cobain and Mary Jo Buttafuoco?
The bullet's still in Mary Jo's head.

anna grace loves kurt. like he would give her the time of day.. hahahahah. oh yeah, he's dead.. now isnt that special

What do Cobain and the Mariners have in common?
Both stink up Seattle.

Did you know they're honoring Kurt with a racehorse?
It's called Seattle Spew.

How can you get Nirvana back together?
With duct tape. (love that one)

Why does Kervorkian want Cobain's shotgun?
To add to his collection of suicide machines.

What happened when you talked to Cobain about suicide?
It went in one ear and out the other.

Did Cobain plan his suicide a long time?
It was just a sudden brain storm.

dedicated to the farmwhore squirel lady. she should get a fucking hoot out of them..

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I don't get a kick out of suicide. Some things are funny. Some shit is not at all and never will be. Two friends of mine hung themselves. Strangely, I didn't find it one bit amusing.

AnnaGrace said...

I've been to enough AA/NA meeting to know that relapse is apart of recovery. So I'm trying not to beat myself up over it too much. I sticking to my methadone. Thanks for the comment.

AnnaGrace said...

Is this Pete? This comment made me cry. To think how I have hurt Pete. He is such an amazing writer. He such a beautiful talent, and if he just applied himself he could be famous. He can play the guitar also he could write songs, he could be a singer song writer. While I was with him he stopped writing. I was always inbetween jobs. We never had enough money. I was alway looking for pain pills. (Although when I first met him I told him I wanted to be a strung out junky and he still fell in love with me.)
At first when I met Pete I wasn't phyiscally hooked on on drugs. We loved eachother. Electricy flowed through us. He quit his job to spend more time with me. We moved in together within weeks of meeting. I met his son who was five years old almost right away.
After Angie died my opiate use started to get out of control, and Pete and I moved back and froth from Michigan to Wisconsin. Living with my parents and on our own. It always seemed that Opiates fell into our laps, and Pete used with me. Pete stared to see my mood swings. He saw my suicidal side of me. I got put in the nut house for an over dose on anphetmines.
By the time two and half years rolled around I was tottaly strung out, and the thing that makes me feel the worst is I used Pete for drug money, and I would be high in front of Pete's son. I would hoard the drugs that Pete bought. I cheated on him, and used him. I just want him to know, if this comment is from him, that I did, and do love him. Just not in the same way I used to. He was a good guy, never took advantage of me, and gave me the greatest gift, Eleanor Rigby. He even stayed my freind after all that. He's offered me a place to stay if I ever need one, and he now lives in Florida. His son is 13 years old now. Pete was there the morning the cops came to the door in Michigan and asked for my dad to tell him my sister had died at 2am that morning in car accident. He was there for me every step of the way. He only knew Angie for a month before she died, and Angie hated him. The only reason she even talked to him is because he would buy her a six pack of beer after work every day. He didn't buy the beer she was drinking the night she was killed in a drunk driving accident. That night Pete and I were suppose to be in Wisconsin with her at our house in Oconto Falls, but we had drivin to Michigan by my parents to get my dads Oxycontins. Pete helped my dad build the log cabin on the lake. Pete was like a part of the family. He went on all the family trips with us after Angie died. Now we have been broken up for as long as we were together. Now I'm with Jess, but we are not a couple like me and Pete were the minute we saw eachother the night of his sister's wedding. I hope I don't hurt Jess the way I hurt Pete. I will make sure I don't hurt Jess the way I hurt Pete.

AnnaGrace said...

Anonymous# four,
Your just an idiot. Suicide jokes are not funny. I don't think that Kurt would give me the time of day if he were alive. He is a lot older than me, plus he was a lot smarter than me, we lived far away from eachother, I'm not hot enough for him, there are a million reasons I would have never met nor befreinded Kurt Cobain. I just wish he was still alive so I could see him in concert, and here what music he would have made had he not killed himself.

I wonder what your brains would look like painted on the wall behind you?