It begins Saturday around 3:20pm, when I leave Oconto Falls for Oshkosh to see Jess. I leave early because Natalie wants to me to bring Eleanor and my book, "I Hate Myself and Want to Die", so she read the book and play with Eleanor. So I leave early buy some beer, and a Sparks, because I brought along a bunch of Clonazepam. This time I didn't drink and drive, nor did I take a bunch of Clonazepam and drive. I had a lot more Cloanzepam because my mom had left the bottle out the other night and I got my hands on it and took like thirty pills from the bottle for my own personal use.
When I get to Jess' dad's house, Natalie and Rory and their friend Melissa are there. Eleanor is scared and sticks close by me. I feel embarrassed that my dog is such a mamas girl that she won't even go by other people, but what am I suppose to do. Force her to be something she's not. Nope, so I let her sit and cuddle by me. It is super hot outside, hot and humid. Jess rode his bike home from work. Poor guy it was supper hot out. If I were him I would have wanted to go swimming as soon as I got home. Instead he drank a cold beer and sat out in the garage with all of us and just shot the shit. After a while he whispered in my ear, "I wanna go makeout". I smiled at him, and I also wanted to go make out, but didn't want to seem rude and leave the garage with Eleanor crying behind me. So we stayed out there for a few hours longer. Then Jess, just because he was bored texted me Hi. and I texted back, want to have sex? He texted beck Yes. So I gave Eleanor to Natalie and Natalie and Melissa were going to take Elle for a walk.
Jess and I went up to his room. He still has his mattress on the floor as it has been since I'd left. I don't remember who kissed who first, but soon we were making out, and I was going down on him. He had me stop, and I stumbled from his cock to the side of his mattress and pulled of my pants and t-shirt. I was wearing a camisole which my tits just popped right out of, and there was no need for me to take it off, plus it was skin colored. I think though, he would have rather me taken off the top. Jess went down on me, and licked my clit. I came really fast. Like my pussy had been waiting and waiting for some oral action and as soon as it got some I came like river. Then Jess proceeded to fuck me. He fucked me good, and then deep, and then hard. It was perfect. I came again. Jess is an amazing fuck. If there is any girl out there who has never cum before I suggest you have sex with Jess because you'll know what it feels like to cum.
On to the more interesting information about Saturday and Sunday. Saturday after sex I decided to try three hits off joint. Plus I had been popping Clonazepam like candy. Normally I don't poke smot because it makes me vomit. As long as I don't smoke too much of it. If I only take two or three small hits I'm okay. I just get giggly, and then really introspective. So that's what happened. I smoked the aforementioned pot, and at first got giggly, then I got introspective. I came to the conclusion the Jess only liked me because I just happened to be there at the right time, and that I wasn't good enough for him. He is way too smart for me. I'm horrible at math and he used to be a mathlete. The only thing I have to show for myself is "I Hate Myself and Want to Die". Which isn't very much. A self published book. Anyone could do that.
Smoking pot isn't the worst of it. On my way home from Oshkosh Sunday morning around 10am. I took one of the exits I used to take to get to my old dealers house. First I stopped at their parents house to see if they were still living in the same place. There were. My old dealers were brothers. Before going to there house I stopped off at a gas station and got 300 dollars out of an ATM. Then I stopped in to see the Brothers. Both of whom are gay. They both loved Eleanor, so I figured that would buy me points with them. Plus they haven't seen me in three years. So knock on their door, and "the short one" lets me in. He hugs me and screams my name and Eleanor's name and can't believe its us. "The tall one" comes out of the bed room where he was fixing and gives me a hug, and they have me tell them everything that has happened since I last saw them. They know about Hawaii, and my legal problems. They don't know that my legal problems have been cleared up, or that I spent 77 days in jail, or that I tried to kill myself in September and in April. So I fill them in, and I tell them what dose I'm on at the Methadone clinic. They've both been on the Methadone, so they know it takes a lot of Heroin to get high on top of the Methadone. I gave them the 300 bucks I got out of the ATM and they gave me 2and half grams of Heroin and 100 hundred dollars worth of Dilauded. Plus some free Heroin to shoot up while I was there. Which of course I didn't even feel. It wasn't until I got home and that I shot up two and have grams of H in one shot that I felt that rush of the H run up the back of my neck, and then Nirvana hit. A few hours later I shot up all the Dilauded and I was blasted. I emailed Jess this email about, how I think he is using me because he doesn't want to be alone, not because he likes me, but it took me like two hours to write that email out, and it still made little to no sense. I typed it out on my phone so it made it even harder to do high. I stayed in my room all night. I tried to write in my journal all the things I was thinking but I'd start writing and then I'd wake up and there would be scribbles all over the paper. Pen all over my face.
I told Jess about my relapse and now he's mad at me. WTF, why would he care? I'm pissed at myself for relapsing. I had over a year in clean of Heroin and Dilauded. Now I have one day clean. Starting over from scratch. I wish Jess could just come over to my place. I'll wait until Sept.1st for him to come over. The place we are living in right now is too small. That is even if Jess still wants anything to do with me. I told him if he didn't want anything to do with me he didn't have to text or email me anymore, and I would just leave him alone. So far today he emailed me to tell me not to email him. Its not looking too good.
So I've gone and blown it. I would have blown it anyway soon or later. I just didn't get why he liked me. He was so sweet, and said so many sweet things to me. I've never been with a guy who's said nice things too me. I was the one who said I just wanted him for sexual purposes. I guess girls just aren't programed for that.