Saturday, July 31, 2010

I need some glue because you broke my heart

After getting my prescription filled of Clonazepam on Thursday, and not giving the bottle to my mother right away, I took a good amount of them Thursday night. Then on Friday I did the same. Yesterday I was unable to keep my eyes open for more than hour at a time, and today I gave my mom the pills because they were accusing me of shooting up. So today I only took one orally. Again today I keep nodding out. My dad took me to the clinic this morning and on the way home he punched me in the shoulder because I nodded out on him mid sentence. Oh boy, did that bring back memories. Dad used to do that to me all the time when I was high on smack. The reason I don't hide out in my room, is because I'll be going about my business and feeling just fine. Then bam suddenly I'll feel high as a kite and nodding out. It worst during the first 6 hours after I take my dose. After that I feel pretty fine. I can't drive because I'll be driving around and suddenly I'll be struck by a nod and I'll swerve into the other lane. Its like driving drunk. So I know better than to drive like this.

Tonight I will not be going over to Jess' house. Tonight I'll be staying at home, well actually I'll be going to a friends birthday party at a bar out in the boondocks. My friend Meghan whom I met in Rehab and I are going to celebrate Corey's 27th birthday. Corey is a guy that I used to sleep with. Now he is dating a girl who is only 18 and has never used an illicit drug in her life. She doesn't even drink. Corey was addicted to Crystal Meth and Ecstasy(MDMA). Corey is part of the reason I started using crack cocaine for a few months back in 2006. Until I got put in jail for 13 days for breaking the terms of my probation by calling my councilor at the Methadone clinic and asking for help to stop using. I had stopped smoking the crack two days into the smoking fest and started shooting it. All I needed was lemon juice to cut out the baking soda and whala you have straight coke to put in the spoon and heat just a little and put in the syringe and when you shoot up coke you can taste it on your tongue. When my veins would hide from me I would shoot it in my jugular vein. People thought I was crazy. By this time Peter had left me, and I was living in an apartment in Downtown Green bay on Broadway all by myself. Corey was there most of time. He was living in the Oxford house aka a sober living house for men. Since he wasn't sober he was staying with me. Neither of us loved the other. We just used each other. I had the hookup for the coke, and he had the money to buy the coke. I had the people who wanted to buy the coke, he was willing to cut it and sell it. Corey was Almost a year younger than I was, but it always felt like he was about two or three years younger than I was. He liked hip hop music, and I couldn't stand it. It was my apartment so we listened to what I wanted to. I didn't let him listen to his hip hop. He had a laptop, and I didn't have a computer so it was nice having him over. I listened to the Butthole surfers and Elliott Smith. Thank God Corey didn't get paranoid when he was high. Neither did I. I hate being around a paranoid crack head.

As far as me getting high off my Methadone today is odd. I started my tapering today. I went from 80 milligrams to 75 milligrams. Over the weekend I can't go down. So I'm stuck at 75 until Monday. Meghan doesn't think I'll be able to go without Methadone. Meghan and I are a lot alike. When in rehab you get to know people better than probably their own family knows them. Mainly because you spend all day every day for 28 days in group therapy talking about everything that has happened to you, how you feel about that, how you feel in general. Your likes, dislikes, what you want to be, how you came to be an addict, etc... you really get to know each other. Meghan and I became fast friends. We both were the only IV Heroin addicts. We both always took our dad's side in our parents fights. We were both scared of our dad's when our dad's got mad. Our dad's both drank too much, but not alcoholics more binge drinkers. Our dad's both worked hard their entire lives to provide for us everything we ever wanted and more. Our dad's didn't show much affection. My dad only told me that he loved me once after Angie died. He never hugged me. He showed me he loved me by giving me things. Even though I knew and know that my dad loves me more than anything in this world I still crave male attention physical and emotional. Same as Meghan. My dad always told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, but I never believed him, he just had to say that because he was my dad. He said the same thing to my sister.

My sister was a tomboy and would go deer hunting, and I hated killing animals. I always loved shooting guns ever since my dad took us out to shoot a pistol when I was about ten, and he set up 12 can in a row for us to shoot down. I emptied a clip and only shot two soda cans down, but I loved shooting the gun. I was much better with a shot gun and shooting clay pigeons. I like to open my bedroom window and take a .22 and shoot at fence post, and other targets around the yard. The thing about moving to downtown Green Bay that will suck is not being able to open my bedroom window and shoot things.

Meghan still uses on top of her Methadone. I've found that people who never stop using Heroin while on Methadone don't stop getting high off the Heroin or Oxycontin or whatever other pill they are addicted to. Their tolerance may go up, but they still get high. The main reason I went to the Methadone clinic was to keep my ass out of jail. Since I was wanted my dealers wouldn't sell to me. So I didn't have any hook ups. It was either go to jail and get it over with and go back to my dealers, or go to the Methadone clinic. When I first started at the Methadone clinic I was using on top of the Methadone Morphine. I was still getting high because I had just gotten kicked out of rehab and had broken into my dad's safe and stolen hundreds of my dad's morphine so I figured I would use them up and then I would do the Methadone the right way. Which is exactly what I did.

Since Meghan, Corey, and I all got out of rehab at the same time (me kicked out) and I went straight to the Methadone clinic, my only friends were Meghan and Corey. So Meghan and Corey were going to NA and AA meetings, and they wanted me to come along. I would go along and I would be really high. I would never drive there. Meghan would pick us up. Sometimes I'd let her use my car because I had a car, but I was always too high to drive. Often I was asked to leave to meetings because I was distracting to the other members, so we would all take off and go for coffee at the Blackstone dinner. I don't know how those to put with me for that first month. After I ran out of that Morphine I was fine. I could go to the three meetings a day with them and seem like clean and sober person. We all remained clean and sober (except me on the Methadone) for nine months. Then Meghan relapsed on some sort of opiate, I don't remember which kind. Then Corey wasn't far behind her, with his crack. I wasn't far behind Corey because Corey got his crack through some black guy that I knew. A black guy that was in rehab with me before Meghan or Corey got there.

To this day Meghan and I are very close. We talk on an almost a daily basis, and as far as Corey goes we sort of dropped him as he did us. Corey looks like he is about 19 years old, and had that type of vein that pops out even when he is doing nothing. He let me shoot him up several times. I was the first person to pierce those veins, and as in all my sexual fantasies it was erotic as hell. To bad it was Coke. That first time I shot Corey up with Coke he got so horny he got an instant boner, and he grabbed me and kissed me hard. He tore off my bra, and kissed my breasts. He proceeded to fuck me. He had to be in a certain position to cum. Which was strange. I had to be on top or I had to be sucking his cock. Since I didn't have a bed in that apartment, only a couch it was hard for him to get into that position, so I usually had to suck his cock for him to cum. So I got down there and I sucked him off. He got into his position and and I did my thing and he came, right in my eye. I'll never forget that. Then I got out of the way, and his cum shot the furthest I've ever seen cum shoot. We had, had sex earlier that day, so its not like he had MSB(massive sperm buildup). He was one of the worst sex partners I've ever had. Because of that weird thing, were he had to be in a certain position to cum. Say I would be about to cum, if he would say I'm going to cum, I'd have to stop and get on top of him or go down on him. He didn't like to go down on chicks. Even though I taught him how to, he still didn't quite get the clit part of eating pussy. I don't think he got laid much before I came along. I only slept with him maybe 20 times.

So tonight Meghan is picking me up and driving me back to Green Bay and then out to the country to some bar in the boondocks and we will be celebrating Cory's birthday. I didn't get him anything but a card with 20 bucks in it. I wonder if he will have some Coke and I don't mean Coke a Cola at his party. I think so, otherwise he would have his party at a bar in the city. He lives in the city with his girlfriend who he met at his job at Pepper Mill bar and Grill. I don't know if he has a real job now or not. He's going to be surprised at how fat I got. That always is a shitty part of seeing old friends that you haven't seen in a while. Its only been two years since I last saw Corey and he's going to be surprised how much weight the Methadone has helped me put on.

If there is Coke there I'm going to dip into it so I don't keep nodding out like this. Its taken me four hours and fifteen minutes to write this far on my blog. I started as soon as I got back from the clinic at 10am and it is now 2:15pm. Normally it takes me at most an hour to pound out a blog and I'm done. Sometimes even less than that, a half hour and I'm done with it.

In other news, its almost Jess' birthday. 9/9. I was thinking about getting him this t-shirt I saw on Pineapple Express. Jess likes Sharks. On the movie Pineapple Express Jame D'Franco wears this t-shirt that has a shark on it with a little kitty in its mouth. I found it on the Internet. If hope he doesn't read this blog, because then the surprise is going to be ruined. t-shirt, or if he hates that t-shirt or hates me by then I'd keep that bitch for myself. Its a cool t-shirt for myself? If he doesn't like the t-shirt I can always get him a cock ring. Maybe a t-shirt and a cock ring. That's a month away. Its 8 next month, I forgot. Duh, Jesus Christ I just woke up and had fallen asleep on the f key and had to delete it for about what felt like an half an hour.

As far as loving Jess, nothing new in that department. In September if we're still fucking I'm gonna have him over to my parents place to fuck so he can meet my mom and dad. Plus we can have sex in a queen size bed. The only thing that sucks about our new place is that there is no smoking inside the apartment or even on the balcony. Not our rules the apartment rules. So we would have to go outside to smoke. Because of that I'm going to start rolling my own cigarettes. 11 dollars a carton, and if I don't smoke in the house a carton would last me long ass time. If Jess wanted to smoke anything else he's have to take a walk on the walkway along the river. There is Central Air in the new place to, but since we will move in September we will only need for a week or two before it cools down enough that open windows will keep it cool enough.

Oh Jess, give me some glue you broke my heart.

2 comments:

Sweden said...

can u even get addicted to Extacy???(MDMA)i thought u cant physically get addicted to it, it's just a mental thing. I was a raver in 94-96 and i did tons of X but i never felt i HAD to have it, like craving it, like with coke, meth, or opiates.

Anna Grace said...

Sweden,

I don't think you can get addicted to MDMA, but its often cut with Heroin or Crystal Meth and you can get addicted to those things.