Monday, July 5, 2010

I think I'm dumb, maybe just happy

Last night I actually mingled with other human beings. I went out the bar with my mother. Every Fourth of July that we are in Wisconsin, and my mom isn't working I go with her to the bar, and my father goes to a different bar with his friends. I pick the bar, and I always pick the Wild West. Its always been owned by my friends. Even before I was of age. Even when I was really young. When I was a baby it was owned by my neighbors the Angus' Ritchie was my age and a friend I used to play flashlight tag with when we got older. At night while the adults partied we would go down the bar in our PJ's and drink pop. Now when I look at adults who bring in there kids to the bar that late at night in their Pajamas I think Oh my fucking God you should be reported to children protective services. You don't see it that often anymore.

I started working at the West even before I graduated high school, as soon as I turned 18 Patty hired me. Patty... I had babysit her kids since I was 13, and when she would get home drunk from the bar after working she would let me drink with her, and then we'd have like sleep overs. Soon after I turned 19, and started getting into drugs pretty hard(my dad got Percocet that year) my closest gay friend took over running the West. He hadn't come out of the closet yet, he was only 20 years old himself. His mother co-signed the loan so he could lease the bar from Patty. I worked for Chad just for the tips many nights trying to help him get ahead in the books. He bailed me out of jail though one night when I was found with some Percocets in an Excedrin bottle on our way home from Shawanno. I lost my licence for six months on that beef. It got expunged from my record though because it was my first arrest, the first time I'd ever done anything illegal and gotten caught for it.

After Chad came out of the closet he closed down the West and it's doors were locked for three months. I was out of a job. I had to go to waitress for cash. I was getting my drugs for free, but I had other things I needed money for. Gas, clothes, music, lame shit. Then Randy Kratz and his Wife Julie leased out the West from Patty. Randy is my cousin Amanda (who is now thirty four) husband's brother. So they hired me back on staff. Julie had Percocet's too. She is now a down and out Junkie herself. Randy left her soon after they lost the bar. Since they considered me and my sister who would soon be dead to be family they let us drink at the bar even though I was almost 20 and Angie was just about 19. I didn't work very often, as I had a new friend who kept me busy, Oxycontin. My ex Pete comes along soon. After I meet Pete I leave Oconto Falls and quit the West completely. Randy and Julie keep the West for the years I wasted away on drugs and alcohol. My sister dies. I cover my pain with drugs. My parents move out of Oconto Falls, out of Wisconsin and up to Upper Michigan and build a huge log cabin on a lake. I drive a lot back and forth from Appleton WI to Upper Michigan to get Oxycontin and later Morphine when he changes scripts from Oxy to Morphine. I find a dealer who sells Dilauded, and he knows how to get Heroin. We drive down to Chicago. All I need is money. I have a waitress job, but that lasts only a little less than a year before I get too strung out and have to quit. Then I start to use Pete for a money source, and fall out of love with him.

I get into trouble with the law for writing out prescriptions of Dilauded to myself. I go to jail a few times in between there but only over night. I get sent to in patient rehab twice and out patient rehab once or twice I think. In and out of the nut house a few times also. In and out of Detox a few time too. I move to Hawaii where I mom move to help with the enormous house payments on the huge log cabin on the lake, but instead she turns into an alcoholic and started to run around on my dad. So she leaves my dad to deal with the loss of one child, and the other one dying slowly in front of his eyes on dope. My dad sends me down to Hawaii to watch my mom, and to send my problems away. I find a source of Methadone and Heroin in Hawaii. Also Crack, and Ice. The only reason I use the uppers is because the Methadone blocks me from getting high off the Heroin no matter how much I tried to get high. I get put in jail in Hawaii for prostituting. I never actually got to prostitute for money because the John turned out to be a cop. I did it for drugs though. In Hawaii on the Methadone I get fatter and fatter. It slows down my metabolism a fuck load. It makes me crave sweets. The only people I feel comfortable around are, are other junkies. They don't judge me what I look like, or what I do or don't do. Most them are rough around the edges, and do and don't do a lot of things most others would judge you one immediately and put you in the category of burnt out druggie loser who lost their mind. True. Don't want to face the truth.

My mom and dad get back together to try and save me. It works. I stop everything except the methadone for 8 months. Then we move back to Hawaii. I fall back into old routines. No prostitution this time. My body isn't what it used to be. This time my dad is with us in Hawaii. He is retired so he is not working either. Me and dad spend lots of time together at the beach. He goes to the bar a lot. I swear he goes to a lot of brothels, and I go to Fort St. Mall and get hooked on Xanax pretty bad. I use some Heroin down there, but I realize its pointless unless I want to spend 300 dollars a day. It took that much Heroin to get high on top of my Methadone dose. I only got four hundred dollars a month. We stay in Hawaii for along time. My dog Eleanor hates it. I thrive in big cites. I love the bus system. I love islands. You can get anywhere you want on the bus, and the island isn't very big so you can go all over the land in one day. There is a circle island bus that takes about 8 hours to circle the island. My father and I did that one day. Thank god I brought along a good book. To ride around Wisconsin on a bus you'd need Moby Dick. Screw Ahab and his Whale.

We end up coming back to Wisconsin in the end of 2009 so I can turn myself in for the crimes I committed in 2006 so I could get the SSI that i was approved for in Hawaii. I push off turning myself in, before I turn myself in I try to kill myself, I end up in the nut house... then jail. I do 77 days plus 19 in the nut house. I pass a kidney stone in jail. The most painful thing I've ever gone through with no pain medication at all. Well Tylenol, but that did not help. Advil would have helped more, but the fucking doctor wouldn't give it to me. When I get out of jail I learn that my good friend Matt Mardquart is running the West now. He is dating his cousin's ex. How creepy. She's like forty something and he's like 30. Cougars rock on. So since I've been out of jail I've popped my head in twice during the day to say hello to Matt, and Kelly. Kelly was dating Josh when I was homeless in Oconto Falls for like two months, Matt's cousin Josh let me live with him for a month. My dog too. For a month me and my dog just went from couch to couch of my friends. People were getting sick of me crashing on their couch. Me and Eleanor Rigby slept in my car a couple of times, but I almost suffocated. The car was too small and if I cracked a window the bugs would bite me. Randy and Julie would let me sleep in the bar nights I got too drunk to drive anywhere. They would let Eleanor sleep in there with me. I'd sleep on the floor of the fucking bar. I'd shoot up Morphine in the bathroom. Mixing booze and Morphine not a good idea. I'm lucky I guess that I never OD'ed.

So last night Matt bartended Kelly sat with me and my mom and we drank. I just got a little intoxicated not totally blitzed, I don't drink very often, actually I haven't gotten drunk in over two years. My mom the same. Kelly got blitzed. I still am texting Jess. He's so smart its sexy, and he's amazingly funny. I wish he could see how much he makes me laugh. he makes my boring days much more fun.Although I worry. My IQ taken by a doctor when I was 18 is 110 his is close 130 which is Mensa quality. That is genius. I've been told by people with in a ten point difference IQ wise won't work out together because intellectually the smarter person will get board and start to resent the dumb cunt after the sex wears off. So hears to hoping if we ever do get to the stage where real life fucking is on the agenda, that it never gets boring.

Jess a bit older than me, but I like that. I feel young. I've felt so old since I turned 25 that I'm a drag. Now I'm the younger one. Plus he's hot, a lot hotter than any other guy I've ever dated, and smarter. I tend to like the person more the smarter they are. If a person makes me feel stupid(which most people do, not that I'm some girl who feels superior to every guy I see), but Jess really makes me feel stupid, so I want to catch up. Plus he's done way more stuff that I want to do. So that drives me crazy, it makes me want to catch up.So I really want to see him, so I'm getting over myself and my body image and am going to make a valiant effort to see him. Nike...Just do it.

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