Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Junky asshole fuckface gotta love everything about her

I wonder how many people in Oconto Falls read my blog? I should change names of people I write about, and change names of places I go. Especially when certain things did and didn't happen. That goes out to those of you here in this small town who read this blog and know what I'm talking about. Enough said.

My phone alarm goes off and I wake up slowly. The alarm is apart of my dream, a weird dream. I'm at Jess' house and we sitting around the garage with Natalie, and my parents, but its the garage of my parents house I grew up in from 6th grade to 20 years old. We are talking about babies, and I'm screaming I don't want to have a baby. Everyone is trying to convince me that I have to have a baby, even my parents, and I keep saying I'm not having a Methadone baby. I probably had this dream because today I have an appointment with my doctor to get on birth control. When I finally turn off the alarm on my phone the alarm clock goes off. I get out of bed and come out to the living room to see if my parents are up. They have to come with me to Green Bay with me this morning to drop off paperwork at our new apartments. Mainly the paperwork proving that Eleanor Rigby is a medically necessary companion dog. They only allow owners of condos in the building to have dogs. Not renters. Same as in Hawaii.

I wake up my parents, my dad opts out of the ride to Green Bay, my moms only coming along. My doctors appointment isn't until 2pm. So I don't have to shower quick before leaving for the clinic. I just change my underwear, brush my teeth, and grab my phone, and we walk out the door. I talk my mom into buying me cigarettes, and I tell her I'll buy her a Mocha Frape' at McDonalds. She is easily persuaded. I forgot my book, so I don't have anything to read on my way to Green Bay. My mom starts asking me questions about Jess. I've told my mom parents that he is not my boyfriend. He a guy that I like and the rest they would probably rather no know about. For whatever reason my wanted to know about the part I figured she would rather not know about. She asked, "so you guys are having sex. That's why you made an appointment with the Doctor, to get birth control?" I said, "yep". Then she asks, "is it any good"? I say, "yep." She wants to know details, and finally I say, "mom I'm just not going to have this conversation with you. If you want to know details read my blog, you will know every thing if you read my blog." Then I remember I wrote about my relapse, and I hope she doesn't call my bluff. If they find out I relapse I get kicked out of the house, my dad is my payee he would make me find another payee. I don't know anyone who would be my payee. I would have to move into the shelter again. At least I don't have any warrants for my arrest anymore so I can live there. I don't have my own car, so I'd have to ride the bus. Fuck, so I tell my mom a few details about the sex I've had. Just that it was good sex, he good at oral sex. My mom tells me that my dad doesn't go down her. I said, I feel really bad for her. No wonder she cheated. My dad doesn't do anything kinky, his motto is kinky gets you into trouble. If he only knew the things I've tried he'd probably have a heart attack.

We get to the clinic and since I've been gotten in trouble for talking about my using past too much, and now I go in and straight up to the dosing window, no waiting I'm in and out in a snap. We drive across the Fox River to the Riverside Condos and Apartments to drop off the paperwork. Then we stop at Walgreens to pick up some shampoo and conditioner for my hair. We drive back home, my mom is still not off asking my questions about Jess. She wants to know why I just won't call Jess my boyfriend. I explain to her that I want to draw out the fun part of being with someone for as long as I can. I'm not fucking anyone but him, I don't want to fuck anyone but him, when ever my parents speak of him they say "your boyfriend", and he's not my boy friend he's my fucking man friend. Just kidding. I don't correct them. I just let it slide. I should have put that in my blog yesterday because that was a quote from The Big Labowski. Too bad me mom never had a conversation about Jess yesterday. Then my mom asked what I would do if he found someone else who was willing to call him, her boyfriend. I said, "if that's what he wants then that's what he'll get. I have a lot of bad karma coming my way, and I'm pretty much ready for that to happen". She of course says, "your not going to kill yourself if that happens". I said, "if I kill myself, its not going to because of Jess". If I kill myself it going to be because I've wanted to die since I reached puberty. If I kill myself its because I'm fucking crazy not because someone else did or said something. I'm just fragile. I don't have any immediate plans to kill myself, and if Jess stopped having sex with me, the worst thing that would probably happen is I'd relapse for a week or two, or I'd just take a few extra Clonazepam a day and sleep a few days away until I forgot about him. Blog about it and get the fuck over it. As long as I didn't hurt him, as long as he's happy, and I have the knowledge that I had that cock, I'm pretty much satisfied. I'm not saying I wouldn't be broken hearted, but shit happens. My mom's like, "wow Anna, you've really thought about what you'd do if he found someone else. Your pretty sure your not in a permenant relationship". I say, "there is no way, he wants someone smarter than I am, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm on the fast track to nowhere, I'm a ex junky(sort of, if I won the lottery first thing I'd do is buy my parents whatever they wanted, then I'd buy kilos of Heroin and Coke for myself to do speedballs with. I'd hire Jess to stay with me even though I'm using and have sex with me ) and I have bad Karma coming for me. So there is no way Jess will fall in love with me.

We pulled in the driveway, and I hop out of the Jeep. I jump in the shower because my doctor will be looking my vag. I also need my Thyroid medication refilled, along with some birth control, and whatever else I can talk him into giving me. I think I have a slit disk in my back and need some Dilauded 8mgs TID aka three times a day for that. I have to go because it 1pm and I have to leave for the Doctor.


****************** said...

Hi Anna. Have you thought about just telling Jess how you feel about him? It sounds to me as though he may really like you. So often I've settled for less than what I deserve. I really don't know why, but I think you don't give yourself enough credit. You are very smart, honest and real. Don't be scared to tell him how you feel. Life is too short---go for what you want and deserve!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hiya, Anna. I am still reading. Good luck with Jess. I hope he continues to make you happy.