I knew this would happen. I knew I'd get hurt. I shouldn't have let him in. I should have kept myself at a distance. There is a reason walls are put up. There is a reason I cut myself off from people for two years, and this is it. I hate this feeling. The feeling of your heart being ripped out of your throat.
I'll start from the beginning of my day. This morning after I went to the Methadone clinic I had to go to a physc appointment and then have a hearing to determine if I'm still a risk to myself or others. The judge would decide if I needed to be hospitalized. So I went in and talked with the There rapist, and the rapist talked to the Judge then my parents testified on my behalf that I have been taking all my medications and I haven't tried to harm myself since April. I was deemed not a risk to myself or others and allowed to walk out of the courthouse a free crazy person.
I came home and realized that today of all days I forgot to take my medication. My Methadone was making me drowsy, plus I had taken a Clonazepam for my nerves during court. So I sat down and watched the NASA Chanel Education File. Then I fell asleep for a little while. When I woke up I turned on Cinnamax and watched 500 days of Summer. The movie brought out in me the fact that I do want to be in a relationship with Jess. I just decided at that moment that, that's what I want. So I texted him and asked him if that's what he wants. A while later he text back that he doesn't. Somehow deep down I knew this is what he was going to say. I started crying even before he texted me back. Everything just hit me all at once. Everything I had feared was true. I used to use guys. Now I'm being used. He will never love me the way Pete loved me. Its mostly my fault for making it all about sex. I don't think that Jess and I have actually sat down and had a conversation. Everything we ever talk about is about sex.
I know what your thinking. That's what you wanted. Your the one who wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I know. That was when all I thought about him was that he was hot and I wanted to fuck him. All I wanted was to use him. Which in turn let him use me. I seriously didn't think I'd let myself like him as much as I do. Now I'm stuck. Now I have to break it off. I will not allow myself to be the one who likes him more than he likes me. No matter how hard it is. It puts a lump in my throat just to write that, but its got to be done. The timing just didn't work out.
I'm going to miss the sex. Oh god am I going to miss the sex. I just got on birth control for him, but I'll live. I don't need to take the pill. If I really want to get laid I'll call him and ask him if I can just have sex with him. Nothing more, no sleep over, no talking. I'll just drive over for the sex, and drive home as soon as it done. That would also mean that if I found a different sex partner I would be able to have sex with them also. Same goes for him.
I don't know what else to say. I guess I'm really disappointed. I hurt myself emotionally by letting down walls. I learned a lesson. What I'm really going to miss is the sex. I have big news about my Methadone and getting kicked out of the clinic, but I'm saving that for tomorrow, and during the detox process I get really horny. So when I'm horny I will text Jess for just sex. That way there is no mixed signals. We both know we are in this for sex and sex only.
I hate getting hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone else.