Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Love is an angel disgused as lust

I knew this would happen. I knew I'd get hurt. I shouldn't have let him in. I should have kept myself at a distance. There is a reason walls are put up. There is a reason I cut myself off from people for two years, and this is it. I hate this feeling. The feeling of your heart being ripped out of your throat.

I'll start from the beginning of my day. This morning after I went to the Methadone clinic I had to go to a physc appointment and then have a hearing to determine if I'm still a risk to myself or others. The judge would decide if I needed to be hospitalized. So I went in and talked with the There rapist, and the rapist talked to the Judge then my parents testified on my behalf that I have been taking all my medications and I haven't tried to harm myself since April. I was deemed not a risk to myself or others and allowed to walk out of the courthouse a free crazy person.

I came home and realized that today of all days I forgot to take my medication. My Methadone was making me drowsy, plus I had taken a Clonazepam for my nerves during court. So I sat down and watched the NASA Chanel Education File. Then I fell asleep for a little while. When I woke up I turned on Cinnamax and watched 500 days of Summer. The movie brought out in me the fact that I do want to be in a relationship with Jess. I just decided at that moment that, that's what I want. So I texted him and asked him if that's what he wants. A while later he text back that he doesn't. Somehow deep down I knew this is what he was going to say. I started crying even before he texted me back. Everything just hit me all at once. Everything I had feared was true. I used to use guys. Now I'm being used. He will never love me the way Pete loved me. Its mostly my fault for making it all about sex. I don't think that Jess and I have actually sat down and had a conversation. Everything we ever talk about is about sex.

I know what your thinking. That's what you wanted. Your the one who wouldn't be in a relationship with him. I know. That was when all I thought about him was that he was hot and I wanted to fuck him. All I wanted was to use him. Which in turn let him use me. I seriously didn't think I'd let myself like him as much as I do. Now I'm stuck. Now I have to break it off. I will not allow myself to be the one who likes him more than he likes me. No matter how hard it is. It puts a lump in my throat just to write that, but its got to be done. The timing just didn't work out.
I'm going to miss the sex. Oh god am I going to miss the sex. I just got on birth control for him, but I'll live. I don't need to take the pill. If I really want to get laid I'll call him and ask him if I can just have sex with him. Nothing more, no sleep over, no talking. I'll just drive over for the sex, and drive home as soon as it done. That would also mean that if I found a different sex partner I would be able to have sex with them also. Same goes for him.

I don't know what else to say. I guess I'm really disappointed. I hurt myself emotionally by letting down walls. I learned a lesson. What I'm really going to miss is the sex. I have big news about my Methadone and getting kicked out of the clinic, but I'm saving that for tomorrow, and during the detox process I get really horny. So when I'm horny I will text Jess for just sex. That way there is no mixed signals. We both know we are in this for sex and sex only.

I hate getting hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Walls? What walls? You have no walls, Anna. You write about your private life on the Internet for everyone to see. You can think you're getting hurt by letting down your walls, but the truth is, nobody is ever going to love a crazy fat junkie. If you want to find love I suggest you become someone else. Otherwise hope for a better shot in the afterlife.

Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote that last comment is nothing but an asshole.

elizabeth said...

That was WAY too low anonymous #1. I wonder what your life is like?

Anonymous said...

what a jerk Anon 1. i'll be anon #3

Anonymous said...

Fucken HATERS,lower than dog shit ,Fuck them Anna do what you want,they know jack shit .s
orry for the anon post

Anonymous said...

By the way Anon 1 must really love your blog 1st comment and by the time stamp must have read your post as soon as you posted Anon 4 agian

Anonymous said...

I wrote the second Anon post. I live in Edinburgh, Scotland I've been reading your blog for a while now and it's the only blog, besides one other, that I keep coming back to read. I work with the homeless and drug users and blogs like yours actually help people like me, who has never used drugs, support people who do. So thank you for your blog.
You are a very honest person and whoever decides to post shitty and horrible messages should piss off and get a life. Live your life and write your blog exactly the way you want.
Lorna.

Anonymous said...

Anna Grace,

I used to be a rotten writer (still am in some ways) but then I went to college. Dad got me there but then I blew it. A couple of years later I made up my mind and went back. Have you ever thought of going to college? It changed my life in so many good ways, all the good people I met and all the things I learned. It opens up so many horizons. Don't settle for where you are; you've got to fight. Life is going to be a struggle, might as well make it kind of interesting. Good luck staying off the junk. There will be another Jess!

Scott said...

I wanted to apologize for my previous anonymous post suggesting that going to college was the answer to all of your problems/challenges. As I got on the tread mill today I started thinking more about where I've been and how I ended up where I am now... College wasn't the answer; but for some it can be and for others it is a light at the end of a dark tunnel. For me the answer to my self-destructive lifestyle was meeting the love of my life over 20 years ago. We have hammered through every problem we've ever encountered; together face to face. You are a good writer but as you even point out, your style could use a little "refinement" ;-) I understand this is just a Blog so what the hell. But, if you love to write, a great way to get better at it is to study it and associate with other writers trying to get better. Hell, even Monet, Manet and other great painters went to Art Institues for a while... I think they gained as much or more from those experiences by associating with other artists trying to refine their art. Of a similar thought, even heroin doesn't get as good as it does by itself. It is heated, boiled and and mixed with other chemicals to finally get what some people want. Take care!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna,
I am sorry you got hurt, dear.

Love,

SB

cassia said...

LOL at the first anon. the reson anna prob hasnt replied is cuz she knows everything is true. nobody ever gonna love a junky.

elizabeth said...

I agree with Scott on associating with other writers to help you get more proficient. There are many places that offer writer workshops etc. I think it is a great idea! You actually might find a better way to live life and enjoy it more than your present one. :)

Anna Grace said...

Your right, nobody is ever going to love a crazy, fat, stupid, junky. I don't know why I thought I even had a chance with Jess. It was my stupidity. I wish I could turn into somone else. I doubt there is an afterlife, so I really fucked up, and will never be loved.
Just because I write about my life on this blog doesn't mean that in real life situations I don't put up walls. Jess never really got to see who I really am. He never got to see my sense of humour, or my true craziness(thank god for that), he never let me kiss his big veins and crawl inside of his skin. I'm too fat for that anyway.
Your right, from what you know of me I don't have any walls. I hate me too. No wonder you hate me.

Anna Grace said...

Anonymous#2,
That asshole was just saying the truth. The truth hurts, but its not like we weren't all thinking it.
I appreciate that you want me to feel better about myself.
Luv you for it.
AG

Anna Grace said...

Elizabeth,
I too wonder what Anonymous#1's life is like. Does he or she know me? Is that how they know I will never be loved?
Thanks for being nice. I luv you everyone who did that for me. It means more than words can say to me. I am hyper aware of what comments say, and how many I get.
AG

Anna Grace said...

Anon#3,
A jerk who hit it right on the head. Sure it made me cry, but then I realized he was right. I am an unloveable person. More about that in my blog today 7/29/2010.
Thanks for sticking up for me. Love you. Anna Grace

Anna Grace said...

Anon# four,
I will still keep on doing what I want, and writing about my personal life for all of you to read and judge. Just because some anonymous person reminded me that I'm unloveable doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing what I do.
I wonder if the Anonymous#1 is Jess. If so that was down right mean, but true.
Thanks for sticking up for me. I'm glad to know that so many people care about me and my feelings. Yes, my feelings did get hurt.

Anna Grace said...

Anon#four again aka Anon#5,
yeah, who ever this anon person is was ready to attack me the istant I wrote that blog. You know what sucks about being fat and crazy, and a junky, is that all those things are true. Aside from being a junky and crazy, which I don't mind being called, but fat really hurts my feelings. So whoever wrote that comment must have known that I was sensitive to that, and wanted to twist the knife after they stabbed. Oh well, thats life.

Anna Grace said...

Anon#6(Lorna)
Wow, I have a reader from Scotland! I'm glad my blog can be of some use to someone. Aside from just a bunch narssaccist words on a page about me me me me.

I'm so glad that this guys/gals comment brought out all of this out pouring of people telling me I should keep writing no matter what anyone says.

Your doing Gods work, and I hope when I get off the Methadone I have someone like you to help me. I do have a lot of people helping me right now, but I just got kicked out of the Methadone clinic. Bad past two days.

Lots of love to you. Glad to hear from you.

Anna Grace said...

Anonymous#7,
I've always wanted to go to College and study English Lit. Just to be in a writers workshop would be a dream come true. I want to hone my craft. I want to become the best at I can possiably be. I've looked around this area for writers workshops and they don't have any. I have been looking into getting back into college, but with my moving back forth from Hawaii to Wisconsin so much I would have to decide which state I would go to college in. I would prefere Hawaii. So I'm going to apply to HPU on the internet for Winter Semester or Spring Semester and major in English lit, and minor in Russian Lit. It would make me one happy Anna to go to college. I am 27 years old though.

Anna Grace said...

Scott,
No offence taken. I wish I had someone to hammer through life with. But as Anonymous#1 pointed out I'm doomed to lonely for the rest of life.
Being reminded of this, I don't see any point in living. I'd rather sleep the rest of eternity away. If I don't use a gun, I'm going to go out the way my grandpa did, with the car running in a closed garage. I have becoming a better writer to look forward to. I suck at writing. I hate sucking at everything I like. I suck at sex, I suck at writing, I suck at loving, I suck at being a freind, I suck at being crazy. I just suck.

Anna Grace said...

Sarcastic Bastard,
Thanks. I'm sorry I got hurt too. Never fall in love. All it does is cause hurt.

Anna Grace said...

Cassia,
Your right. But now I replied and agreed. I know nobody will ever love me. I should have never fallen in love with Jess. I tried my hardest. Maybe it was just strong lust that I mistook as love.

Anna Grace said...

Elizabeth,
I would love to asocciate with other writers. It would be a dream. All there are here in Wisconsin, at least in this area are back dream fuckers who don't even read books, much less write. I want to study writing. I'm going to read this book called, "How to Read Like a Writer". All I have is my how to write for dummies books, and so on and so forth. No human teachers. I wish I lived in Miluakee or back in Hawaii where they had writing workshops. I haven't done a fictional writing in a while, but those a hell of a lot of fun.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna,
I totally do not believe that no one will ever love you. I really don't. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. First Anonymous has his head up his ass. Motherfucker doesn't know shit.

And I love you, by the way.

SB

Anonymous said...

I don't get why you let some Anonymous asshole you don't know from Adam affect you this way? Who the hell are they to judge you anyway? They are just another hairy shitty dingleberry on this asshole we call life.

Randy S.

Anonymous said...

And don't forget that everyone reads this blog because of you, because we are interested in you and your life. Your blog is about you. Keep writing, you are actually really good at it, try to keep yourself on the straight and narrow, drug wise, 'cos it's going to be your downfall and you deserve a good and happy life. and you will eventually meet someone who deserves you.

And whovever doesn't think so, screw them!

Lorna

Trish said...

Anna,

I really have to say that being Quote Anon 1:"crazy, fat & a junky" is just an opinion that our society defined as ugly and negative. You are not. Maybe you dont fit into the typical picture that is seen as 'correct' but hey, that makes you who you are and I know that one day someone will fall in love with that.

You are different and I like it.

Anon 1 is just braindead.

Love
Trish from the UK (people from over the world DO read your blog) :)

Brother Frankie said...

you are loved..

ive been telling ya that for years now anna..

Brother Frankie

(wut up SB)