Saturday, July 3, 2010

A million poppies gonna make me sleep

I've been thinking of shooting off my toe. Just to see how painful it would be to get shot. Is this what normal people think of? I would need a good amount of smack to take after I shot off my toe, in case the pain is really bad. I would be taking the smack for pain purposes, so it wouldn't be a relapse.

My dad used to keep all of his guns in my closet, until I tried to off myself. I told them over and over again to get the guns out of my room. I was always having my dad take me outside and shoot the guns. I love shooting guns. I love taking paintings of mine that I hate and using a shotgun to shoot big holes through them. All the paintings I have posted on my blog I hate, and they all now have shot gun holes in them. My dad has a hand gun too. That baby is fun. I can't find that one anymore. Since I've tormented my parents with my bi polar mania and depression he has hidden the gun that would be easiest for me to shoot myself with. Little does he know, I'm obsessed with Kurt Cobain, and I would kill myself with a shot gun. I'd bite the gun. Don't worry though I'm not suicidal. I just like to toy with the idea. Give me a break, my papa killed himself at in our garage when I was seven. I seen my dad try to hang himself several times, and our male babysitter named Matt blew his brains out in the garage while babysitting me and my sister, we found him and his brains. I'm obsessed with suicide. I have a friend who hung himself in 2006, but I didn't get up close and personal with that one like did with the other three.

I've noticed something about myself. I introduce myself as a suicidal maniac with a opiate addiction. I put it out there first. I make sure everyone knows that about me before they go any further. Almost as if I'm proud of these two things. I know my track marks are at times embarrassing, but at times they show that I suffer from a kind of pain that cannot be explained by anything other than those track macks. The cuts on my wrists are the same thing. I want to wear long sleeves all the time, but I can't, but when I'm with people who know what I've done to myself I don't mind wearing short sleeved shirts, but people who don't know, I will wear long sleeved shirts to cover both my track marks and my wrists. There is a post Heroinhead did about this that tells perfectly how most of us feel about our track marks. Those of you who haven't read Heroinheads blog I suggest you read it. If you go to my profile and go down to blogs I read click on Heroinhead. I'm not good at posting links, or I would post one. Fuck he doesn't need any advertising he has twice as many readers as I do. Still I admire his writing. He has a way with words that I admire very much.

Aside from that...
This morning I left for the clinic early this morning. 6am I was in the Jeep, and I was there by 6:50. I stopped at gas station to see how much money was in my savings. I'm saving up a lot of money. I will have plenty to go to Hawaii this winter. I could leave now, but I'm waiting for my parents to pay me back the four grand. (the number four doesn't work on my keyboard) So I will be set up. So I can pay a few months of rent ahead , then I can go out and find a job where I can get paid cash no taxes, so I don't get my SSI taken away. I know you haters who hate me for getting SSI and milking the government and ultimately you are going to leave me shitty comments. Still I will not disable Anonymous comments. I think all should be able to post comments. With the good come the bad. Your just saying what you think. If you think I'm fucking lazy fat ugly useless fuck face who sucks at writing, and should die, its your right. Right? Wow, I went into that over board. I do hate mean comments and sometimes they hurt my feelings, but I live with them. Why is it the money thing that gets you so much. Is it the combination that I'm a recovering drug addict who gets government money for having Bi Polar. I wouldn't wish Bi Polar on anyone. I have held down jobs before.
Sorry about the tangint.

I got two take home doses from the Methadone clinic because the clinic is closed the Monday the 5th of July also. I drove home, and took a bike ride, listened to Pagota. The whole bike ride I thought about haveing sex and getting skinny again to have sex with a guy. I went a lot futher because I pushed myself thinking about fucking. Thanks JESS! I just screamed your name. While not thinking about sex I thought about shooting off my toe. How the two go together is beyond me. I guess blood, guns, and sex go together in my head.

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