Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My milk is your shit, your shit is my milk

So Jess and I have been texting as though my crazy emails have never happened. I don't plan on bringing it up. OMG no, I don't plan on bringing it up. Same goes for my relapse. I'm reminded of my relapse because of the bruises on my hands and wrists that I have to put makeup on every morning, noon, and night. When I look at my bruises I am conflicted. I am sickened and miss the high. I am pissed at myself for taking that exit and seeing short and tall with 300 dollars cash. Then again I got to reach a chemically induced Nirvana again. I had sex again, and I got high again. I traded feeling good for showing my crazy side to Jess.

I know why I got so paranoid that Jess didn't like me. It was after I smoked pot on Saturday. Whenever I smoke pot I think too much and I think my thoughts are the smartest thoughts in the world, and everyone else is thinking what I'm thinking. Fuck I remember why I don't use pot. Anyway, I smoked pot, and at first I got giggly and forgetful. Then I got to thinking, my god Jess is so much smarter than I am, if we were to ever be in a relationship he would have to dumb himself down for me. Explain everything to me in lay mans terms. Then I got to thinking do I really like Jess. I'm nervous around him. When ever he touches me I get little shivers. I still need to take Clonazepam and drink when I'm with him or I'd be too nervous. So from past experiences this means I like him a lot. From his actions towards me though, I don't think he likes me as much as I like him. So I had decided in my stoned mind that I would give him a way out. I felt that I needed to give him a way out, because earlier he had told me he didn't fire people because he was too nice to do it. He didn't want to admit that he was too nice to fire people, but he did. So if he didn't like me he wouldn't "fire" me. So one of my emails said, if he didn't want to see me anymore he didn't have to text me anymore. Which now reminds me after that he didn't text or email me for almost two days. It was me who sent the crazy emails and texted him. Almost forcing him to keep in contact with me. My offer to let him off easy wasn't so easy. OMG. Now look what I'm doing...I'm writing a whole fucking blog about it. (After today I promise I'll only use one paragraph for Jess.) Anyway, in my stoned mind I was very sure that I was going to get hurt. So I wanted to keep that from happening, but when I didn't hear from him for those couple of days I went through a few different emotions. First sad and hurt, I really like him, but he just doesn't feel the chemistry. Then I felt like oh well, now I can get back to how things were, the only thing I am going to miss is his cock. Trying to minimize the loss.

On Sunday Jess has off, and I'm going over there in the morning and am going to wake him up with a blow job. I don't know if he likes me for anything more than sex, but that's okay. Right now I'm just glad to have sex. If he doesn't want a relationship anymore that's okay, even though now I want one, I'll live through this. We haven't been texting as much anymore, we sort of texted the shit out of eachother. Probably a thousand text in three or four weeks.

Now, I'm sick of writing about Jess. That's the update. I'm not saying that you guys care hearing about him either. I'm just saying I just wrote in my journal about this, and now I'm blogging about it.

In other news, my new phone is like crack. Its addictive. I'm on it all the time. I only use the laptop to blog and to order stuff off the Internet. I just bought a Bikini Kill t-shit. One of my all time favorite bands. I rode my bike listening to them on the MP3 player today. "She's the queen of the neighborhood" I also ordered a Kill Rock stars label t-shirt. They have the best bands on that label. Elliott Smith was on Kill Rock stars. When I'm not on the laptop or reading I'm on my phone reading blogs, and writing emails to old friends. Shout out to Kaycee.

I got a comment from "a blast from my past" and I was worried that it was one of my best friends Katrina, so I emailed Kaycee my other best friend to get Katrina's email and phone number. So Kaycee came over to my blog and read it, she hadn't read it in a long time. Then she gave me Katrina's phone number so I called her, and she didn't answer. She wouldn't recognize my phone number, so I left a voicemail. I just asked her to either call me back or email me. I didn't tell her what it was about. This person said I owe them 20 some dollars, but I don't remember borrowing any money from Katrina. I don't think Katrina would say anything mean to me. We have been best friends since middle school. Me, Kaycee, Katrina have all been best friends. Kaycee and Katrina are a lot hotter than I am. They are both a lot more grown up than I am. Katrina looks like a tan Angelina Jolie. Kaycee is just beautiful I can't think of any famous person she looks like. We are like rock stars when we get together. We party hard. I remember one time I had a party at my house when all my room mates were gone, and I got black out drunk and ended up smashing all my room mates stuff, like the kitchen table, the chairs, the coffee table, ashtrays, my roommates skulls, and gargoyles, and speakers, dishes. Then Kaycee and Katrina took me to Oshkosh to Beer Gardens, and got some Coke in me to get me out of my black out. I sniffed some good Coke and I woke up, but I still didn't remember smashing up my house. We went to a bar from this guys place, and no-one told me I did this to the house. It wasn't until we were on our way back to Appleton that Kaycee and Katrina were like what are you going to tell your roommates about what you did to your house. I was like, "what did I do to my house?" Then they tell me, and tell them to speed up so I can clean up before my roommate gets home after she closes up the bar. So we get to the house, and Kaycee, Katrina, and I, all pulled together and cleaned up really fast. We fixed as much as we could. So if my roommate who got home around 3:30am called the cops I wouldn't get into too much trouble. Then Katrina asked if I wanted to sleep at her house, and I said yes. So I slept there just in case my roommates decided to call the cops on me. They never did, but when I got home the next afternoon I was screamed at by my other chick room mate. The other two guy roommates just asked me to never do anything like that again. To this day I don't remember trashing that house. What the hell came over me to want to smash everything in front of me. How I had the strength to smash a wooden kitchen table, and three wooden chairs. Coke is good for you in some ways.


Anonymous said...

why do you hate people with tans? your fucking beautiful and smart!
(just bad at paying back $$)
just live with emotions instead of covering with drugs..
that was not the first time you broke shit either! also, what guy wouldnt want to wake up to a blow job? maybe a guy who doesnt want tob be blown by a addict with a needle bruise on their hands and arms..who''s life is composed of stealing, drugging, mooching off taxpapyers, her parents, making everyone miserable because she is immature and an addict. why do you hate angeli jolie with a tan?
Blast from the past

Anonymous said...

you are so hot here..

eyes, oh, i love those eyes


Anonymous said...

Kurt Cobain, a guitarist musician heroin-addicted asshole who found smashing guitars more important than playing them, is considered better than so many real guitarists... hahahaahahahahahah. what a loser he was.,,

he once asked fender to make a specific guitar for him.. they almost peed their pants as they told him with a straight face,,,, "you have to know how to play it first"

true story..

AnnaGrace said...

Anonymous#1(blast from my past)
I don't hate people with tans. I don't hate Katrina, I think she is possiable the most beautiful person on the planet.

Thanks for saying I'm fucking beautiful and smart. I am bad at paying back money. If you would just out yourself and tell me who you are. I would pay you back the money, and I would not habor any ill will towards you. I know I'm a shitty friend. Even off of drugs I'm a shitty friend. When I see a good friend doing well I get jealous and if they like me still I think they are just being nice to me to show off how good they are doing in life, compared to how shitty I'm doing in life.

You keep saying I'm living off the tax payers. I may make fun of myself for getting SSI, and say things about how I am fucking the system, but I am Bi Polar and when my moods cycle I always end up either quitting or getting fired for saying something totally inappropiate. (spelled that wrong) Without SSI, I would never have a steady flow of income. With SSI, this leaves me free to write, to do what I truely love. I'm working on my second book. The first one is called, I Hate Myself and I Want to Die.
I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm not drugging like I used too. I had one relapse and I've been clean for over a year before that. As for mooching off my parents, I pay for my own ciggeretts, and my own food, everything except for rent and utilites. Believe me I want to move out, but my parents don't think I'm ready to live on my own completely. So they want me to live with them. They want me to get a boyfreind or a husband. LOL, to take care of me so they don't have to worry about me as much. I don't think I'll be finding a long term relationship as an immature recovering drug addict.
I'm going to take another guess and say this is either Emily or Lindsay. Another pair of my two good freinds. Both much more beautiful than me. Both have their lives in order and have children. Both I love very, very much, and I know I hurt them a lot in a blog that I wrote after I visited them when I first got back to Wisconsin from Hawaii.

Who ever this blast from my past is. I love you, and miss you, and am truly sorry for hurting you with my selfishness, and drug use. You deserve a better friend.

AnnaGrace said...

Thanks for saying I'm beatuiful. My eyes, I always get complements about my eyes. I should thank my mom, I have the same eyes she has.
I will defenitly check out your blog.

AnnaGrace said...

Your entilted to your opinion about Kurt. I never said he was the best guitar player ever. I like his music. That doesn't mean you have to. I also love Elliot Smith, are you going to bash him too?