Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The ocean is big and blue I want to sink to the bottom with you

This morning I went with my parents to look at these apartments on the Fox river in Green Bay. They were really nice, two baths, two bedrooms. Both bedrooms had walk in closets. My parents filled out the application and they are going to call us back when it gets approved, and then we move in September 1st. I was thinking about having a mental breakdown and checking myself into Nicolette Mental Health Center for a week or two so I don't have to help with the moving. Then again I'm still under the 90 day mandatory commitment. Which means if I stop taking my medication or attempt suicide and don't kill myself I would be committed to the hospital for 90 days, not just a 10-20 days like every other time I've been put in the nut house. So I guess I'll be helping move again for the millionth time since Angie died.

As for my relapse, well, it happened. I got high, and I have bruises on my hands and wrists. Yesterday I acted like a crazy person towards Jess. I emailed him these crazy emails. My true colors finally shown through. This is one of the emails I wrote him (tell me this isn't crazy)

"I'm never gonna know ya now, but I'm gonna love ya anyhow. Your the man she's married to now. She stares into space like a dead china doll.

I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good. I expect you'll just leave me alone now. I'm not whats missing from your life. I'm not the puzzle piece. No-one deserves this. The first time I saw you I knew this wouldn't last. I'm not half what I wish I was. I'm so angry I don't think it'll ever pass. I was bad news for you just because. I never meant to hurt you.

Yes, that is an email I sent out to Jess. That just one of them. There is more...two more. The other two are just as bad. Now that Jess knows I'm a crazy weirdo girl, I'm sure he's off of me. First thing I relapse and I tell him about it. Why the fuck did I tell him. I was planning on telling my parents, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I've been hiding my hands and wrists.

Last night I texted Jess, and his brother's girlfriend ended up texting me. I was crying because I just wanted someone to lay next to me and kiss my fresh track marks and make it all better. Tell me its okay, I only relapsed once and its been over a year since I used last time, so I'm still doing pretty good. I just have to get past this relapse. Either that, or I wanted someone there to kiss my track marks and tell me its okay Anna, Heroin is what you were meant to do. We'll just move out of this state, and move to a state where its easy to get dope and we would get high all the time. Just something to comfort me. Then again I got myself in this situation I have to deal with it on my own.

So now that Jess doesn't like me, I like him even more. Now I want to be in a relationship with him. He's perfectly imperfect. He's so smart I feel about as big as an ant around him. Which most people would think is a bad thing, but I find it sexy as hell. His cock is beautiful, and his body is great. He makes me laugh all the time, and just thinking about him right now gives me little shivers down my spine.

Why is it when a guy is not interested in me do I become more interested in him? Why did I ever even utter the words to Natalie, "I think Jess is hot", in the Methadone clinic, and why did she tell him? Why did he care? Why did he want her to give me his phone number, and she give me the wrong phone number? When they asked me for my number I told them I didn't have a phone. It wasn't until they told me they weren't going to be coming to the clinic any longer that I gave them my mom's cell phone number so they could get a hold of me. Then I get a text from Jess. It worked out in such a fucked up way, but it worked out. I ended up getting laid by a fucking hot ass guy that I really, really like.

Now it seems as though Jess is over me, and will be moving on. I know most of my readers will say I deserve it.

I wish I would have never even brought up my relapse to him, and never even brought up that I don't think he likes me. Things would be normal still. But I did what I did. Now its out there. So now you guys might not have to hear about me talk about Jess much longer. I wish he would let me still fuck him. No strings attached. Just call up have sex, no sleep over. Just sex. He doesn't have to be exclusive to me. I would be exclusive to him, just because I want to. I don't want to fuck more than one guy at a time. Too much shit to deal with.

If Jess and I are still fucking in September I can't wait to have him over to have a sex fest at our new apartment in Green Bay. Hopefully he would be able to take a few days of work off. Two days would be fine. I would have my big bed there, and there would be a bathroom that would be just mine, so we could shower together.
Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean he can't have sex with me, right? I don't plan on relapsing again. Its way too expensive. It caused me to become a crazed stalker. Totally not cool.

Oh yes, in the new apartment there is no smoking. Not even on the balcony. So that would cut my smoking down a lot. No more chain smoking. I have hundreds of patches, and I'm have an appointment with my Doctor, and I'll have him write me a new prescription for more patches. That way I can wear two at a time. I smoke so much I need to wear two at a time. The apartment has a fitness room, and a lounge where you can sit and use wireless Internet and watch cable TV. Plus we would live right on a boardwalk. Perfect for walking and biking. Eleanor loves it. When we used to live in Green Bay me and my mother used to drive to the river walk to walk Eleanor. Its as pretty as it gets in Green Bay. Its nothing compared to the Pacific Ocean, but its pretty.

So that's whats going on in my little life now. I've lost the one good thing that's happened to me in two years. Thanks self-esteem, and Junk.

I'm on this medication that can cause lactation. I've never noticed any milk come out of my nipples, but after sex with Jess he pointed out I had milk coming out of my nipple. Before I even thought about it I wiped my nipple off. So I didn't even get to see this lactation. Ever since I read the side affects from this medication was lactation I have been squeezing my nipples to see if milk would come out. It never happened for me. Then it happens for Jess. So I'm guessing it only happens when I cum, and my nipples get erect, then milk leaks out of my nipple. After he noticed it I tried to squeeze it to get more out, but none came out. Next time I masturbate and cum, I'm going to play with my nipples a lot and I'm going to see if I can get milk to squirt out of my nipple. Not many women that never had children ever get to feel what its like to lactate, but I do. Sorry if I grossed anyone out. Probably grossed Jess out. The medication is Risperidone. Its a mild anti Pshycotic for my rare delusional thinking. I forget the name of the blog where I wrote about my delusional thinking/Bi Polar diagnosis. I tend to not believe whole heartily in physcology. I'm just a little more strange than most people. I slip into characters easy that doesn't make me delusional. Whatever. I get money for being crazy. I'm not going to argue with that.


Anonymous said...

maybe he said that just because he was mad at you at the time¿?
maybe he didnt really mean it.

Anonymous said...

damn anna, Way to act like a crazy asshole. :P
You relapsed? I need to catch up

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I was thinking about having a mental breakdown and checking myself into Nicolette Mental Health Center for a week or two so I don't have to help with the moving.

You make me laugh. I HATE moving, too.

Love you.