Monday, July 26, 2010

She's not my girlfriend she's my fuckin' lady friend

Every I know is gone. They left said, "I'll see you around". But I don't care I like it that way. I don't care, I never had much to say. Every one that know says that I'm wrong, stubborn, cold, hard headed, and withdrawn, see you later, see you around, but everyone I know is gone. I don't care I like it that way. I don't care, I never had much to say. I don't care, I just wanted to say. It means nothing to me. I gave it away.

It Saturday morning and I wake up in some unfamiliar place. I look around and see people passed out everywhere, bodies heaved upon one an another. The air smells of alcohol and I notice faces, old acquaintances, and friends. Suddenly my heart jumps in my throat...I'm late for the Methadone clinic. I only have forty five minutes to make it to the there, and that's how long it takes me to get there. I wreak of booze. I drank too much Southern Comfort last night. I went to an after bar party across the road from the bar, and passed out on Chris and his girlfriend Sarah's couch along with everyone else who attended the after bar. I did a few lines of coke last night. I hope I don't get a UA this morning. I slam a glass of water and run out the door with my purse, jump in the car and whip a u turn and am heavy on the gas on my way out of Oconto Falls to Green Bay to get my pink juice. The whole ride there I drive like a maniac. I do 90 mphs weave in and out of traffic. I probably still have a blood alcohol level. My eyes are all dried out. For some reason since I started drinking again my eyes dry out when I drink.

I have all four windows rolled down, the sun is already creeping its way high into the sky and the heat its producing is making me sweat out the Southern Comfort I drank last night. My hair is messy, my mascara is running down my face, and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't piss myself last night. Usually when I get that drunk I piss myself. My ex used to know to drag me into the kitchen or the bathroom and take off my pants so when I woke up I could clean up the piss easily. My good friends also know to do this. I don't usually get this hammered. I haven't done so since I've been on the Methadone. While driving 90 to the clinic I don't bother to turn on the radio, I just think about what happened last night. The details are fuzzy. I know I didn't leave for the bar until half past nine pm Friday night. I of course went to the West. Kelly was bar tending. Not many people were in the bar, I had the juke box to myself. I downloaded a bunch of my favorite songs. I put more money in the juke box than I did into my body. Kelly was playing bar dice with us, and I was winning so I was getting free shots left and right. Jason was there, Chris was there, Janae, Pablo(Travis) Matt(the owner) and a few others that I didn't know. Around midnight the bar flooded with people. Jason had some blow, and we were going across the road to his apartment every half hour to do a few lines. I gave him fifty dollars just because I had money and he's always been generous with his drugs. Normally when I use blow and drink I don't get drunk at all. This coke wasn't the best coke I ever had. So I pretty much paid Jason to be my friend. He offered me Pot, but he knows I don't smoke. Your probably wondering Anna's out there relapsing like a son of a bitch. I only consider shooting H/Opiates or snorting eating pills as relapsing. Actually I eat Percocets once a month so that's not really relapsing. Its not like it really even gets me high, but I try. Maybe I'm not as clean as I would like to think that I am. Still I'm not homeless, stealing, lieing, screwing people for dope. Its not like I'm out there chasing down dope. I'm not powerless over drugs right now. I can live without it. I do get pushy when I get the idea, as you will learn later in the blog.I love going to the bar and hanging out with a small group of friends. Shooting pool, having full control of the jukebox, catching up on town gossip. Its the best when you don't come around for a long time so you have lots to catch up on. Everyone wants know what's going on in your life, and you want to know what's going on in their life. Never run out of conversation. Laughing about old times. Last night we reminisced about the time that I put a Natural Ice box on my head, took of all my clothes except for my shoes, and put a towel around me then ran in one door of the West started screaming took the towel off ran out the other door, but it was mid January, and there was a patch of ice right outside, and I fell on my ass, and my beer box fell off my head and everyone knew it was me. Including my cousin who cheered the loudest as I streaked through the West. He was mortified when he looked out the window to see it was me who's naked body he had just been aroused by. Poor Joe, every time I see him that's what I think of. One time Jason streaked through the West with a snowmobile helmet on his head. Another guy came in the West naked nothing to cover his face and just sat down and ordered a drink. I served him one beer before the costumers complained that they didn't want to see a cock and balls. If it had been a girl they wouldn't have been bothered at all. I'm still the only girl who has ever streaked through the West kudos to me.( oh fuck, that's gonna get me a quoted you have no self respect comments)

The night seemed to fly by. Me and Pablo were always considered the perfect match, and we've had sex before a few times, but I would never date him because he's like the male version of me. Suicidal, willing to do anything, hates his face, hates this place, but hes drunk all the time, not strung out again. The one time I did shoot him up, he went in the bathroom and suddenly I hear him hit the floor. Me and my friend Josh look at each other. We both say at the same time, "you go look". I get up, knock on the door, there is no answer so I open the door and Pablo is picking himself up off the floor. I ask him if I gave him too much. He says no, he is afraid of needles and blood. I asked him why he asked me to shoot him up then. He said, "I always wanted to try it". All I could do is laugh at him. He gave me a scare. Now Pablo(Travis) is with Janae, who is thirty four which is seven years older than him. Janae is awesome, I've known he since I started working at the West. She helped me out a lot teaching me how to mix drinks. CC is Canadian Club, Seven and Seven so on and so forth. Pablo and Janae make a much better match than Pablo and I would ever make. Me and Pablo would bring out each others darker sides and they would flourish. I bet I would be a better writer if I were with him. When I'm sad I write better. Not when I'm catatonic sad, but I do miss the comfort in being sad.
I get to the clinic and its only two minutes before they shut down the juice machines. I take my dose, and get my take home and get the hell out of there. If they smell alcohol on my breath I'll start getting Breathalyzers everyday. So I held my breath as much as possible during the dosing experience, and I didn't get an UA. Everything went pretty well. Knock on wood.

On the drive back the sun is even higher in the sky, and I keep getting phone calls from everyone and there brother. What are doing tonight. I don't have any plans for tonight. Sunday I'm going to Jess' house. I plan on staying home Saturday. I really can't wait to get laid. I've been thinking about for the past six days now, and each time I think about it gets me more and more horny. The lust in my blood is just as bad when I know there is a needle full of H waiting for me just sitting there till Sunday and I can't get to it until then. He doesn't know this, but I've found his veins when having sex. His veins don't show through his tattoos, but he has big juicy veins in his arms wrapped all around his arms. Every time I listen to the Eagles of Death Metal the song "I gotta feeling(just nineteen) & I think about his big veins. I know he's never ever gonna put a spike into those veins, but in my sick mind just the image of that in my mind makes me cum.

I get home from the clinic, I sit in front of the computer and try to blog about Friday night, but I'm too hungover. I write a little then delete, write some more, delete. Go to room try to fall asleep, but that's elusive because I took my Ritalin. So I take out my journal, and write out this big long fantasy including drugs and sex. A real junky fantasy, something that would only come true if I won the lottery and paid Jess to do it. I'll leave that fantasy for another blog. I have plenty of sex to write about here.
While I'm writing in my journal Jess text me from work, and somehow we get onto the idea that I should come over tonight(Saturday), and as horny as I was I really wanted to. So I said, "yes, Of course. This was at like 11am. So I showered, and started reading Catcher in the Rye again. I don't know why I picked that one, its an easy read, its a classic, I've only read it once and it was a while ago, I've forgotten a lot of the story line. So I just pulled it out of the closet and started reading it. Its a damn good book. I had it a quarter finished by the time I left for Jess' house. I had my mom straighten my hair before I went to Jess' house because its much more manageable when its straight. Its better for sex, and oral sex. Easier to put in pony tails.
I leave for Oshkosh around 5:35pm to make it there around 6:30pm. I still need to google maps his address because I'm scared I'll get lost. I do have his address memorized now. Third times a charm. When I get there Jess is in his room laying there in just his boxers. Perfect. I want to throw myself at him, but its so hot in his room that the heat hits me like a suffocating 30ft wave on the pipe line in Hawaii. I brought along baby oil so he can titty fuck me later on. My purse is heavy because I could only find a rather large bottle. I didn't really look that close for a smaller bottle. I take out the baby oil, and put it on his bed. He still has the mattress on the floor. We only have a few more condoms left. Probably about six. I set everything down, and I go and lay by Jess on his mattress on the floor. I can't wait to touch him. Every time I touch him I feel a shiver go up and down my spine. I get wet instantly. I don't want much from him aside from his cock and his tongue. I just lay by him for a minute just touching him, we talk about something, but I don't remember what it was. I bring my hand down to his cock and its hard. I put my hand on his cock and I rub the tip of it. I jerk him off a little bit. He rubs my clit through my pants and it feels really good. I want his penis in my mouth, but he takes of my pants and licks my clit. His tongue is magic. I have to keep my moaning down because there are other people in the house, usually biting my hand works for me. Jess makes me cum twice, and then he's ready for his turn. So I take his cock and I put it my mouth and I slowly take it all the way down my throat. I come back up and make sure I use my tongue around the the head of his cock. I go all the way down again slowly, and I'm loving every moment of sucking him off. I love the feeling of the head of his cock on my tongue. The taste of his pre cum is lovely. I start to use my hand and do the twist and twist my hand and my mouth goes down on his cock. My mouth sucks on the head of his cock, and my hand twists up and down the head and shaft. Rhythmically slower to faster, and he says I'm gonna cum, and he cums while I'm sucking, and I take a few shots in the mouth and I taste it. I don't swallow, I like the way cum looks. Its the money shot. How could I waste that by putting it down my throat? After he's done cumming I give it a few more strokes to see if I could see anymore cum, but he was flush out. So I dabbled my finger in the cum on his leg, wiped my mouth threw my hair back and put my head up by Jess'. I was sweating and my eye make up was smeared, but I enjoyed myself. I got to cum twice and I got to make Jess cum from a BJ for the first time. After that if it were not so oppressively hot in his room I would have loved to stayed up there and hide out all night just listening to him tell jokes and talk and fucking, but it was too hot for that so we went down into the garage and got cold beer, and talked with Natalie(His brother's girlfriend), and his dad along with his dad's girlfriend.

It was so nice out Saturday night. It was cool enough that could even wear a sweatshirt. When I first got to Oshkosh I had wanted some blow because I was so tired from my Friday night parting and I had even thought about it last weekend. So I was jonesin. I was looking to buy a teener. What I should have done is called up my connect here in my area and picked it up on my way down to Oshkosh. Although my connect often only has hard, and I don't smoke I just use lemon juice to cut out the baking soda and shoot the coke. Jess won't let me shoot it at his house. Plus they won't smoke it either. I used to smoke it, but then I shot it up and I figured why take the bus when you can fly. So much is wasted when you smoke it. All that smoke going up in puffs. The connect Natalie had couldn't come through this weekend, when I called him and hassled him he hung up on me. Then he called me back later on and yelled at me. So when I get my heart set on something I do chase it down. It didn't come through and I lived. I didn't dwell on it, and I didn't bring it up every hour on the hour like I would have if I were addicted to it.
Me, Jess, and Natalie stayed up and waited for Jess' brother Rory to get done with work Saturday night. He is a dishwasher at a nice restaurant. He didn't get done until 1am. By that time I had stopped drinking. I had given up on the blow, and Jess ordered Pizza. We stayed up a while longer, hung out with Rory and Natalie. Then we went back into Jess' room. It had cooled off in there by then. We fucked again. I couldn't help it, I was loud. I came three times. I would feel the inside of Jess' arm where he has two huge veins. Perfect veins. Never used the way I think of them. I want to rape his veins. I know it sounds bad. I wish there were no side affects to using Heroin. I wish that people didn't get hooked or overdose, and that the needle wasn't so terrifying to so many people. Then they could all feel heaven on earth. All their problems disappear. Not all junkies are purse snatching bums. I know junkies that you would never guess they stuck needles in there legs every day, four times a day. Millions of Doctors are Junkys. Heroin addicts don't go around like Tweekers and steal shit at gun point. Junkys, when high are very mellow. Even more mellow than pot heads. Its in the sickness when not high and trying to get high that junkys become purse snatchers. Legalize Heroin and you'll have yourself a peaceful bunch of drug addicts. Just like the pot heads. Except the pot heads aren't physically addicted. Heroin becomes like a person to the user, it becomes a lover to the user. I don't think pot users feel that way about there pot. I don't know though, maybe they do.

We fell asleep early Sunday Morning. I woke up early Sunday morning because my cell phone alarm went off at 7am. I smoked a cigarette. Then I had promised Jess a BJ, so I went down to his cock, and I sucked then he took me and I spread my legs and he thrust his cock inside me and fucked me for a bit then he pulled out and came just below my tits. After that we went back to sleep until 10am. I didn't fall asleep right away, I watched Jess for a little while, then I checked my email, and read this new reader who just started commenting blog, I don't remember her screen name off hand, it lemon something. She has an amazing blog, and I read a few of her blogs. There great. If I knew how to put up links I would totally put one up to her blog from here. Tomorrow I will figure out her name, and start to follow her blog so anyone who wants to check her writing out can do so from my blog.

All day Sunday it was hot out, and Jess and I sat outside where it was cooler. I took my Methadone and two Clonazepam and was nodding. I couldn't take a nap because if I did I would have been out for the whole day. I really wanted to have sex, but it was too hot out, and I think both of us were too lazy to actually preform. We were suppose to go to the sex shop, but again we were to lazy, and it was too far away. So we just sat around and listened to music and talked. Natalie and Rory sat around with us. I seriously can't wait for fall. I'm so sick of this heat. Its hindering my sex. If Jess and I are still screwing this fall, I can't wait because it won't be too hot to screw all the time. I understand that guys can only cum once and have to take a break. Its biological. Twice a day though that's not asking too much. Especially if you only see each other once a week. I know Jess is able to do that. Even if he doesn't cum, he would still do it just to please me. I would feel bad after I was done cumming that he didn't get to cum. Which would make me willing to have sex with him whenever he wanted. I can't imagine myself ever saying no to having sex with him. Maybe if I was sound asleep. If I was under and amp and sound asleep that means I'm super tired and don't fuck with me, still though if he was going to fuck me I'd wake up for that. Not that Jess is only good for sex, he's just really good at sex. I just am really attracted to him and his veins. The good thing that he doesn't use drug intravenously is his veins will always be big and juicy. They will always be sexy. Oh yes, I call Jess' cock, Princess Sophia. I called it that once just to see if he'd get mad, and he didn't care, and now I'll always know it as Princess Sophia.

I gotta go and spell check this. Sorry this blog is all over the place.

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