Lastnight after I posted that blog I admited to Jess that I've fallen in love with him. He admited that he doesn't feel the same way about me. The person who left the anonymous comment on my last blog saying that I'm unloveable because I'm a crazy, fat, junky is right, they just forgot, that I'm stupid, ugly, a terriable writer, and a whore. What was I thinking? I guess I did the right thing in telling him. Now he knows where I stand. I've decided that I'll keep fucking him because no-one will ever love me, and right now I'm lucky anyone is willing to fuck me. So, we will just be sex partners. He is not my boyfreind. Not at all. There is no relationship. We are using eachother for sex. For some reason he doesn't think he could go out to the bar and pick up a chick. He is definatly hot enough to pick up a chick at the bar. He could get laid if he wanted to. He doesn't even have to put much effort into it.
I don't like very many guys, and when I go into the bar am always and have always been disapointed because there is always a bunch of wanna be Back street Boys or wanna be Hip hop stars or Jocks in there that all I want to do is make them bite the sidewalk and I stamp on their head with my foot. If I were to have walked in a bar, not knowing who Jess was I would have hit on him in a nanosecond. Then in after I talked to him, and he made me laugh because he can memorize and make up jokes easily I would have fucked him right on the bar in front of everyone.
So here I am. Rejected, alone with my thoughts. I was pissed off for a while, and sent Jess a bunch of text and emails trying to explain why I was hurt, but he wasn't answering. So I thought it was over. I sent him on last email, and suddenly I get a text back saying, "Sorry was with friends". Then he tells me to chill out and go with the flow. I just wanted to throw something. So took a hand full of Clonazepam and some Xanax I had gotten from a friend. I calmed down, and we texted for a while. I fell asleep. He was drunk. I had told him I loved him, and he was all let it ride. I was like , fuck no I've made up mind. I'm all about instant gratification. When I make up my mind, its made up. There is no changing it.
Now, I'm going over there to have sex with him tonight. Unfortunately I'll have to live with the fact that I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about me. So now there is no relationship. There will never be a relationship. Even if he asks me, I will say no. I will always be in love with him, but its better for me to keep things as he put them at a close friends level.
In other news I've been kicked out of the Methadone clinic for not taking my Medication in front of the doseing nurse. It was my third write up, and I knew there was nothing I could do. Luckily, there are not going to rapid detox me. There are letting me do the two month detox, and then I can either go to Menasha or I can go to Dr. Soncrant and get back on Suboxone. I saw Dr. Soncrant today. I asked if he was willing to put me on Subutex instead of Suboxone. That darn Naloxone scares me to death. Its just like Narcan and puts you into instant withdrawals. The good thing about Suboxone is I'm not being watched taking it so I can go off it for a few weeks and buy some pills and get high for a day or two, then buy some clean pee take some Suboxone and get a clean UA. The best thing about getting off Methadone is that I will lose weight. Everyone I know who has gone down or gotten off Methadone has lost weight. Plus I'm on Ritalin so I should lose weight pretty fast. The clinic plans on taking me down at first 5mgs a week, and then as I get down to 30mg I will go down 3mg a week. They just took me down 10mgs right off the bat today. So now I'm at 80mgs.
I am getting my stuff packed up. We aren't moving until September 1st, but I'm so sick of living here, that I'm ready to pack up now. So I already have two boxes full. Mostly of all my painting equipment. I seriously cannot wait to have my big bed back, and cannot wait to have gym in the apartment complex. Plus there is a walkway along the Fox River for me to walk Eleanor every morning. Its downtown Green Bay, and walking distance to every bar that I'd want to go to. My dad won't have to drink in drive because we live two blocks from his and his friends bar. The Sardine Can. I'll live really close to the Exclusive company. I download most of my music now, but my MP3 is almost full, and I need one of those things you can plug you MP3 into so you can listen to your songs not on head phones...on a stereo. Moving into the city will be (hopefully) a good thing. As long as I don't start smoking crack. Last time I lived in down town Green Bay off of Broadway in my first apartment by myself with no boyfriend, I was fucking the hottest young boy Corey who was addicted to Crystal Meth, and he got me to smoke Crack, and suddenly three days go buy and I'm no longer smoking it I'm shooting it and I'm shooting it every ten minutes. My veins hide under swollen skin scared to pop out afraid the needle will poke them again. They need a rest to much has been drained from and entered into them. Crystal is much better because it last so much longer. I learned this a year later when I moved to Hawaii and tried Crystal for my first time. The high makes you so horny it hurts. Sex, sex, sex is all you can think about after that first hit. I would love to do some X. That would be fun, I wonder if Jess has ever rolled. Probably not, that's more my age type thing. He would love to have sex on X. Even if he didn't take it, he'd luck out and get the best sex I could ever give him. The only thing is if he came and I was still high, I would probably hurt his penis. No I would just be glad to touch him any where. When I'm high on X it nice to just to touch someone. I'd get off just touching his big veins on his arms and neck.
I just made the phone call for the X, but I've got a feeling its not going to work out. When I want something bad it always falls through. So goes the drug world. I've got to go now and take a shower, and spell check this piece of shit.