Wednesday, July 7, 2010

You never know just how you look through other peoples eyes

Oh lord is it hot and humid outside today. The weather is so unpredictable here in Wisconsin. One day it is stormy and cool, the next it is sweltering and sunny. Tornadoes, and then cool north winds on a perfect sunny day. I do love me some thunderstorms though. I love watching the lighting flash, and listen to loud cracks of thunder. Watching the rain pour out of the sky as if the clouds are spilling their tears after watching all the murder and mayhem that us humans do unto each other every single day.

This morning I did not want to wake up. I was tired, I stayed up late writing in my journal. It was like I just kept thinking of more and more stuff to write about. I couldn't put the journal down. I wrote mostly about past things that my ex and myself did. Mainly things we did with Jess the guy I'm going to screw on Saturday, and his ex Melissa. I have a memory like a bear trap. I went far back into my memory to every conversation I ever had with both Jess and Mellisa. Memory is not full proof. Memory is subjective so Jess may not remember the way I remember it, or he may not remember it at all. Either way non of it is so interesting that I would blog about it here, its just talks about music, and movies basically, drugs sometimes, a few other different things. All four of us did Coke one night. So I just went to town in my journal writing about these things, and then some other things that are going on right now. How I feel ect... I came to some conclusions.

When I did get up this morning, my parents were all dress up and ready to go. I wondered where they were going. I got dressed and brushed my teeth and came out to the living room to find out that today they wanted to get out of the house, so they are taking me to the Methadone clinic. Plus Eleanor is coming with us. Oh goody. I get to read the whole way there, plus I don't have to pay for my own cigarettes. My mom sits in the back seat to take care of Eleanor and to do her crossword puzzle, and I sit up front to read, and smoke cigarettes. My habit has come back two fold. When we get to the clinic, I just happen to get there at the same time as Natalie and Rory, Jess' Brother and his girlfriend. His brother's girlfriend is the only one still dosing and she's at only 5 or 6mgs. I told her I sent nude photos of myself to Jess. Plus I wore the most purple contacts to the clinic, and since I accidental died my hair black, instead of dark brown as usual, it makes my eyes pop, so everyone noticed. It was the first thing Natalie noticed, and then this girl from up North further than me who needed a ride came up to me and asked if my eyes were out right purple. My eyes naturally do have a hue of purple to them, but they are blue gray. Elizabeth Taylor's eye color. Not that I'm that pretty. Some can argue that I'm down right ugly. Please don't comment on what I look like. Either way I don't want to hear about it.

After I dosed, then my parents went out to eat. Since I'm on Nurti System I only had a plate of fruit, and my dog was with us. Eleanor is a Medically necessary companion dog for my Bi Polar, so she went in with us, in her back back. She for some reason barked. She never barks. So I took half of one of my mom's sausages and I pulled it apart in small pieces and fed it to her so she would stop barking.

At breakfast, my parents also confirmed that in December we will be leaving for Hawaii, and my parents will be coming back in April. I don't know if I'll be coming back from Hawaii. So I guess my wish came true. But now I have Jess. What if on Saturday texting turns into something more? What if I want to be with him? He has a job, an soon to be ex wife(I hope) in Wisconsin( I get to fuck a married man...sweeeeeeeet) If I fall as hard for him as I have already I would probably end up staying here with him. I would insist that we visit my parents for at least a week in Hawaii though. My parents though, they change their minds like the wind. My dad could even buy the plane tickets and change his mind. I don't think they will, because my dad is selling the horses. The house will be done in August, and we will be moved in by September, then we won't have to spend a horrid winter here. My mom hates winters here, so does my dads. That's the only reason I think that they would do it. My mom wants to go down there without having to get a job, my dad wants her to get a job, my mom is agreeing to a part time job. That way they pay for the apartment, and living expenses for my mother. Not for my father or myself. Since I'll be leaving in December I'll be able to come back to the Methadone clinic in Wisconsin if I decide to come back, because I'll be at a stable dose, and I'm stabilized on me pshyc meds. As long as I don't get caught fucking up between now and December I'm good to go to Hawaii. I really want to go.

So Hawaii. The Pacific Ocean. How many of you think that my parents will change their minds before December? How many of you think that if they don't change their minds, that I won't go because of Jess? How come you guys have stopped commenting. I understand over the long weekend. I don't understand you guys over the Pond though. You don't celebrate the Fourth of July in England. Gledwood has commented on my last blog. Carrion, and SB have commented, but where the hell are all of you anonymous lurkers? Is my shit really getting that boring. Wait its always been that boring.

What do you think would happen if Jess came with me to Hawaii. What if I we went to Hawaii together and I got off the Methadone, and started back up on Heroin? He is not junky. I doubt he knows what its like to live with a full blown dope fiend, so who thinks he would break it off with me the first time he saw a needle in my arm? I think because I'm scared that would happen I would not want to use. Maybe pills, but not pushing off. Maybe once in a while a speedball, but no a full blown junky girl again. Its strange how in the beginning of wanting to fuck someone really bad ( I won't say falling in love because then I'd be like Charlie was with me, putting myself out there to get hurt through and through)you will put aside your the things you dreamed about for a long time. My dreams were all very self destructive dreams. So Jess could be a good thing for me. Something making me want to stop using, or to not start using Heroin IV again. I wonder if I got off the Methadone how I would feel about Jess. I wonder if that urge to use would over whelm my urge to get laid by him. I don't think I'll try and find out, because I know that urge to use, and know it over powers even the love I have for my parents so it would over power my libido in a nanosecond. If I get better though you guys will not want to read. If I get better whats the point in writing a book. I want to be a junky who writes a book about being a junky. At least MMT patient telling a story about what its like to be a junky and an MMT patient.


Gledwood said...

Hot & humid? Join the sultry club. It's really sticky and horrible here. I'm sat next to a fan with wet cloths draped over the back. The only way of cooling down.
I hope to God you don't get a tornado. The worst we get in this country is gale force 12, which is 70 mph winds. Not very impressive in America, a country used to 180mph hurricanes and 350 mph whirlwinds...
This guy you're having an affair with, do you know him from "real" life then? Or did you meet online? If online, BE CAREFUL. Sorry to sound like your Dad.
Sounds like you have a real thing about Hawaii... you should do whatever makes you happy. I know how it feels being stuck in the middle of nowhere counting months till you'll get out... no I don't mean jail.
It's a good thing the psych meds are working properly.
Take care of yourself and all the best

AnnaGrace said...

I hope the humidity and heat go away for you soon. A thunderstorm just rolled in here. Thanki goodness.

Yes, I know Jess from my past. No online at all. We've been texting and emailing eachother though. I wanted to screw him the first time I saw him, but I was with someone, and he was with someone.

I know isn't it amazing that my psych meds are working. I feel like its only time before I fall down the rabbit hole and my moods swing violently. I feel like I'm on a tightrope. Do you ever feel like that?

elizabeth said...

Go carefully my dear Anna......

Gledwood said...

Whz wonät zou publish us a picture of Eleanor zour doggie_ Surelz she canät be a State Secret.._

Iäm posting this in mz German kezboard as I know zou find it so entertaining... :-)

AnnaGrace said...

There will be a photo of Eleanor on my blog by the end of the day. I have to go to the Methadone clinic first, and get my own mobile phone first. I'm moving up in the world, getting a phone of my own. Hahahaha.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'd still read if you were not into drugs Anna, just because I care about you and your life and because you are a good writer.

You are loved.


Anonymous said...

Why don't you worry about making a life for yourself instead of plannig one around a married man who you have been "texting" for a few weeks.

Anonymous said...

Anon#1, Thanks for the fucking advice. He and his wif are not together. I appreciate the comment. Anna Grace

Brother Frankie said...

i second what SB said..

remember that first email when i told ya what your name meant?

you are Loved
Brother Frankie