Tuesday, August 31, 2010

fuckship not a relationship

I want to make something clear. That guy and I were not in a relationship, we were in a fuckship. I wanted to be in a relationship, but he didn't want to be. First clue you idiot Anna. I did create drama where there was none. I acted like I've never acted before in a boy girl partnering. Normally I'm the cool, calm, and collected one. I don't call him back, I don't text him back. I'm too busy to do stuff with him, but this time I was always right there when a text came through and it was from him to text him right back. I was shy around him, to scared to speak around him. To say what was on my mind. I never asked him any question like I did with every other guy I ever fucked. That guy through me for a total loop. I think its because he was the first person (aside from Pete and Corey who both used opiates and knew what it was like)while I was on Methadone. That guy just has no idea what its like to be an ex junky. He's living in a totally different world than I am. A world that I wanted to re join in the worst way. The world of the living, a world where everyone feels emotions and doesn't need a chemical to dull those emotions when they get too be overwhelming.

I've only seen that guy a total of probably 5 times. We fucked on average 2.5 times so we fucked a totally of 15 times. I hardly know this guy. I just saw in him every attribute I like in a guy. Except for the fact that he could use me for someone to fuck for right after he and his wife split up.

Enough about that guy. Tomorrow we move. Two men and truck are coming, they are packing for us also. I packed some stuff. The important stuff. Writing, art, journals, and bathroom stuff. Today I'm cleaning out my closet which has a bunch of my uncle David stuff in it, plus a bunch of my stuff. So it would be hard to the two men and truck guys to pack my closet because of that stuff. I'm so excited to move. I'm excited to not have a T. V. for eight days. I'll get so much done. Yesterday I just bought a print of a painting. I forget the painters name. It starts with K, and he's an abstract artist. I'll look him up and edit this post when I'm done with his name. It was only 26 dollars for the print. If I were to buy it framed it would be 125.00 dollars, but if I got to Michales I can find a frame for forty dollars. Its a large print, its a 20"by 20" painting print. Then I have my paintings. I'm not hanging all my paintings in my room. Some will go in my bathroom. I'm gonna hang my poppy painting, my Jewish Anna, and my No more junky whore shooting Heroin painting in my room. I don't have photos of those paintings up on my blog. Then I have this huge canvas that I can paint when we don't have T.V. The first week there. I can paint on our terrace overlooking...a parking lot! We didn't get an apartment on the river side of the condos and apartments because that side the rent is up to 3 grand a month.

My mom started having me roll her cigarettes. Since we can't smoke in our apartment or on our terrace we will cut down on smoking a lot. Every time I want a cigarette I will take Eleanor outside for a walk, she will get a lot of walks at first because all three of us will be going outside by the river to smoke.
"I live in a van down by the river". You know what that's from? If you know comment on it. You know who I miss? Gledwood. He hasn't been around in ages. He's working on his masterpiece. I wish him the best of luck on getting published. I wonder if he's writing it in English or German? I wonder if he writes in both and sends it out to publishes in both countries. That way you have a better chance of getting published. I sent I Hate Myself and Want to Die out to publishers in both America and London. Some publishing houses have offices in both New York and London.

Right now I'm eating Vitamin gummie bears like they are just regular gummie bears. They are actually Omega 3, DHA, Vitamin D3 Gummies. Not the multi Vitamin. I take a prenatal vitamin every morning with my morning physc pills to keep my hair, skin, and nails looking good. Plus it has Folic Acid in it so in case I get knocked up accidental the baby would be healthy. God forbid that I get knocked up anytime soon. I'm still taking the pill even though my doctor told me there is an 80 to 85% chance it won't work because I'm on Topamax to stabilize my moods. I still take it because there is a 15 to 20% chance that it would keep me from getting knocked up, and it keeps my skin from breaking out. Plus from now on my periods will be on the same day ever month, and it will be really light, and last only three days. It only lasted three days last time, but it wasn't light. I know you all needed to know this, and that is why I am telling you all about it.

So back to that guy. I know, your probably like ugh, enough already. Today I haven't emailed or texted him and I won't. Even though I'm heart broken, and wish I could take back being a crazy physco so if he did want to get back together I could say yes, but now I can't because I acted like a crazed elephant who went on a rampage because he wanted to fix his family life and dump me until his family is stable. So when his family life is stable and if she texts me again if I hadn't went on and Elephant rampage. Still I'd be with a guy who doesn't really like me and that is just stupid. Someone else will come along. If he wanted to get to back together he'd have to prove to me that he likes me, and that he wants to be in a relationship. This time I'd really make him jump through hoops. Its not going to happen except for in my dreams.

Both he and I blame me for his brother's relapse. I should have never given two just off of Methadone people Valium and Clonazepam and snorted it with them. I swear I didn't mean to bring them down with me. I just figured they were not addicted to benzos ever, they were only addicted to opiates. I was addicted to benzos. I could do 10 Clonazepam and not feel out of it. I'd only give his brother and his girlfriend four pills. Two each. I should have never done that. Now that summer is almost over, my summer fling is over. I'm done talking about it, writing about it whatever. Sorry this post is lame. Nothing is new.

Even though we are no longer in a fuckship, I'm not taking the picture of his cock off my journals back cover. Hell no, that was some amazing cock. I'm keeping that photo on that journal and the ones in the journal.

Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm gonna love you when your dead

The anonymous people are right, I was not dating that guy, I was just having sex with him. We were not in a relationship. We were close friends who were having sex with each other exclusively. Those were his exact words when I asked if we could be in a relationship. I remember getting myself all worked up about that, the time he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I had a physco break down then, and my second physco break down when he was tubing with his friends and his phone wasn't on him and I was texting him and he wasn't texting back and I thought he was breaking up with me. Like he is now. My third physco break down is when he actually broke up with me and I texted him ferociously.

Today I've done good though. I just wrote him that one email this morning around 9am ish and since I've deleted his number out of my phone I can't text him. I only wish I didn't know his email address, so there would be no temptation to email him. I have nothing to say to except to ask him why, but that is just embarrassing. This whole thing has been embarrassing for me. I hate being vulnerable. I hate being the pathetic girl who can't live without that guy who didn't even like me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am just as addicted to the feeling lust as I am to the feeling of getting high off dope. Its so rare that I actually like a guy. So few and far in between that a guy doesn't think he is rap star, who is a pimp. Seriously its hard to find a white guy who doesn't think he's black now days. I hate hip hop, I hate rap, I hate R and B, I gangsters and wanna be gangsters. The majority of guys out there now days think that they are rap stars, gangsters, pimps. I just want a punk, emo, metal, Stoner rock, garage rock, grunge all mixed into one guy. I don't much like emo, but I do like the Smiths way too much, and I do like Elliott Smith as a tie for #1 favorite musician. Of course its a tie with Kurto.

Why do I become obsessed with things. Like Kurt, that wall, which will soon be a canvas with the lyrics to Seasons in the Sun. Fitting to say goodbye to Kurt. He plays the song at the end of box set, he's on the drums. Texting made my day go by faster. I still get text from Meghan, Charlie, Kaycee, Pam, Chad, but not that guy. Which makes it even more depressing when I look down at the text message knowing its not going to be him. Some times I don't even read the text message for an hour after I get it because I know its not that guy. Who I want to call an asshole more than anything, but I can't bring myself to do it. After I was used for sex, walked all over like doormat, he still tried not to hurt my feelings. Which I hate him for even more. Just hurt my fucking feelings, get it done and over with. Shit I'm not going to lie, sure I used him for sex too, but I really liked him. I didn't walk all over him. I didn't just use him because I just broke up with my wife who was cheating on me with my good friend so I could have someone to be sort of close to. Not too close to.

So this is my second blog about that guy breaking up with my in one day. Sickening. I'm making myself sick. Say that guy resolves all his family problems and decides he wants to start texting me again, there is no way I can even text him back. Not like he would care. I highly doubt his way of getting me off his back is the truth, but as you can tell those few words at the end, " I don't want you to come over until everything is straightened out with my family, that's all" have let me keep a little light of hope in me. Maybe he still does like me, maybe he is just worried about his family. Even though most of me knows that was just how he let me down lightly, other wise he would still text me.

After this blog about that guy, I promise this will be the last about him. At least it will be the last in which I repeat the same things over and over again. This blog is no different than the blog I wrote earlier today. I just need to get this out of me. I just to wash his stain off of me and move on to a book. He'll make a good chapter to a book. I'll explain how I was fat, and hadn't had sex in two years. He brought me back into the action. I was with him when I got kicked off the methadone, and was excited to get the fuck off the fucking Methadone. I hope I didn't cause him any pain, and I'm sure I didn't.

Drink up babe, look at the stars, I kiss you again between the bars

My fears were founded. Jess did break up with me. He used the guise of, "I want to get all my family stuff straightened out before I have you over again. That's all" That is after I texted his ass to death, and then threatened to call him at work, then did call him at work, but he was busy at work with a customer, so I said I didn't want to hold for him and hung up. That's about the time he finally texted me to tell me in his backwards way that he was breaking up with me.

Whats wrong with his family you ask. Well, his younger brother we'll call Bill who I know better than I know Jess, who I went to the Methadone clinic with has relapsed. Bill and his girlfriend have been off the Methadone for about a month now. Bill's girlfriend who I'll call Cindy found out her brother died on Wednesday afternoon, when I was over at there house with Jess. After Cindy left it was like Bill was a loaded gun waiting to go off. He called his friend from work to come over, he went some place picked up some Valium aside from the Valium I gave him, and an Oxy which is the big relapse pill. Its the pill he and Cindy were addicted to, the pill that they stole, lied, pawned, went to jail for. Then later after Cindy left and after I did the pill with Bill and his friend, Bill's friend brings over two hot 19 year olds. If I was a guy I would have fucked them. Jess and I were sitting in the room with these two hot chicks. Bill and his friend left when the hot chicks left, it was as if after Cindy was out of sight she was out of mind.

Now Jess, hasn't herd from Bill in three days last I herd. He knows he's still alive and not in jail because he saw his check stub on end table. As of Friday at least, he was okay, and had stopped in at home. I don't know how Jess plans on sorting things out. Getting all this back in order. What if Cindy decides to leave Bill? God forbid. Bill needs Cindy to stay afloat. He should be able to stay afloat by himself, but he's not able to right now. As far as I can tell.

How this cuts into what Jess and I were doing I don't know. I think Jess also blames me for giving Bill and Cindy Valium, and Clonazepam. I blame myself for giving them those pills. Perhaps Cindy asked Bill to get her some Oxy's because she needed to not feel anything. Most people relapse when something big like the loss of a loved one happens unexpectedly. Early in the day when Cindy had to give up her cats she asked for a Valium and told me she still hasn't found a way to deal with problems without using some kind of mind altering substance to deal with it. When a such a big loss as a older brother who is only thirty four dies suddenly she might want to go back to the drug of her choice. Which I can see happening. If that's what happened, then I regret telling Jess about the Oxy, Bill, his friend, and I snorted. It was only a 5 or 10 mg pill. I didn't feel a thing from it, and the only reason I did any of it was so that Bill didn't get high off the pill. There fore he didn't relapse. 5mgs split between three people is nearly nothing. If Cindy asked him to get them some for her to get some emotional relief it was not my place to tell Jess anything. Then there wouldn't be this big rift in the family. Then it would just be Jess breaking up with me. Then he couldn't use some lame excuse. Blame me for giving them Benzo's. Not even the drug they were addicted to.

This means no more sex for me. I think that's the biggest thing I'll miss. I didn't even get to do reverse cowgirl. The last BJ I gave Jess I left teeth marks on his cock. What a horrible blow job giver. I think the fact that we had sex in Bill and Cindy's bed was a curse. We should have just went back to Jess' room and went to sleep. I was so drunk, I couldn't even get wet that night. The past two times I've gone over there I've gotten too drunk.

Now I'm super bored all day, I miss texting Jess during the day. I deleted his number out of my phone. I didn't have it memorized, so I can't text him like an obsessive crazy person. Unfortunately I have his email memorized, eviljess1975@yahoo.com (so you can email him and tell him he should have just broke up with me instead of leaving it open ended hurting me even more. Don't be mean, and don't bombard him with emails)but I emailed him this morning my last email. Promised him this would be the last email from me.

Now that we are broken up, I don't know what to do with the bday gift I got for him in late July thinking his bday was 8/9, but it is 9/9. So we won't be together for his birthday. I'll be in our new apartment for just a week and a few days when its his bday. Our TV doesn't get turned on until 9/8. So we have 8 days without any TV. There is a lounge in the building with a TV, so I can watch Big Brother, but I'll miss True Blood because they don't have HBO in the lounge. Also for Internet I have to go down to lounge to use Wi Fi to blog everyday.

Now that Jess is out of the Picture, I can work on my book, and hopefully that things that I can't talk about because I don't want to jinks it happens. I have to do a shit load of writing. I'll have to put myself on a schedule like I did with I Hate Myself and Want to Die, Write 8 hours a day. I'm a night time writer when it comes to books. I used to be when it comes to blogging. My blogs where better when I blogged at night. I blog during the day now because I have nothing to do during the day, no day time TV, and my Adderal kicks in during the day too. Oh yes, my doctor switched me from Ritalin to Adderal. I'm not sure why. I think it had something to do with my insurance. But as soon as I get off that damned Methadone, so hopefully the pounds melt away with all the weight loss medication I'm on. I'm not gonna put money on my weight loss. I thought I would loose weight as soon as I started Ritalin, but all I lost was 10 pounds so far. I gained 5 pounds back when I went on Clonazepam binge.Those Clonazepam and Methadone really cause me to eat sugary foods and then sleep right after.

I keep crying on and off about Jess. Then I cry about "Bob and Cindy". I've been getting out of the house with my parents as much as I can. I pack with my free time, even though we are paying the Two men and truck to pack for us. I've already packed up my bathroom supplies, my art supplies, my writing supplies, my old journals, my dildos(that I got with Jess), I took down my Kurt Cobain wall. I'm going to have the movers pack my clothes, and my closet because its a mess. I made sure to tape the remote controls to the TV's and the DVD players.

So this is what its like to be fat and get broken up with. Fucken Methadone. I'd rather be a skinny junky who dates other junkys who likes the same music as I do, and am still skinny, and I break it off with them. I thought this Methadone was a life saver, instead it ended up to be a ass bloater, and gut bloater, double chin maker, guy repellent, self hater maker, no emotional relief from a substance when I need it like right now. All I have is Clonazepam and its just going to put me to sleep, then I wake up and check my phone for text and there is none and feel worse.

I've gotta go cry now, about a guy who just used me for sex. What a lame fucking retard fat ass I am. I'm physco that's why he broke it off. I gave the people he loves pills that why he broke it off.

I don't know if I'm more bothered by the fact that Jess broke up with me, or the fact that his brother may be on relapse binge, and that his brother's girlfriend just lost her brother. My heart is broken that Jess broke up with me. The fact that he couldn't even break up with me all the way, he just said he doesn't want me to come over until all the stuff in his family gets straightened out. Then why can't you text me at all? Why couldn't you tell me what you did the other night? I know he fucked someone else? He just doesn't want to admit it to me.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

That guy fucked somebody else

So yesterday that guy didn't text me back all day or night. I texted him this morning, and he texted me back. I asked him why he didn't text me back or email me back, and he keeps avoiding the question which is making me suspicious. So I just texted him why won't you answer that question, did you do something bad? Now I just texted, if you fucked someone else just tell me. I have a feeling he did something like that. Perhaps he fucked his wife, or some chick he met at the bar after his magic tournament.

Okay I've given him enough time to respond and he's has not responded. So he fucked somebody else. I should have just broke it off with him yesterday like my gut feeling told me to. We don't have very much in common. He loves playing Magic, and he's never offered to teach me. His brother has offered to teach me more than once, but that guy has never offered to teach me. Clue number one he's not interested in a long term relationship. I don't know why I said I was in love with him, I've only seen him a total of five times. We've only fucked an average of 15 times. 2.5 times every time I go to see him.

Okay, I'm obsessing over him again. Its like if he doesn't txt me back one day I go mad. I can not text him all day and he doesn't text me all day, and I'm fine and he's fine. I doubt if he texted me and I didn't text back he would have this reaction. I'm over reacting. Right? But still I have this gut feeling that he fucked someone else. This morning when I texted him he was in bed with another women. Now he doesn't want to text me and tell me. I don't know when he plans on telling me. I think I might just call him. I'm sick of dealing with this shit. Its like he can't go two weeks without getting me all wired up. I need to take a bunch of Clonazepam. Which I am going to do right now. Sorry folks this blog was short and not to detailed, but I'm obsessing. I have to get ready to go out with Meghan, and I'm going to fuck someone else too. Fuck him. No I'm not, but still. I wish I could.

Love and hate you all.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I'll make it through the day with some help from Johnny Walker Red

So, this morning I woke up and decided that it was high time I broke things off with that guy. He clearly doesn't like me the way I like him, and I'm only in for a world of hurt. Plus I need to focus on my writing and not on some guy who doesn't even really care about me. I woke up at quarter to six this morning and I was already thinking of how I was going to word the email. When I woke up I was still so tired, I lite a cigarette and I fall asleep while smoking it and drop it on the carpet and leave yet another fucking cigarette burn. I can't wait to not be allowed to smoke in our new apartment. 5 more days and we are out of here. So when I finished the cigarette I went back in my room and fell back asleep for another hour until my alarm went off.

When I got up the second time, my dad and mom were awake watching Imus in the morning as usual. My dad asked, what time should we leave at. I wasn't aware that he was going with me to the clinic this morning. I ask him why? He says, " I have an appointment at the Veterans Doctors office at 9:30am. Are you still able to go straight to the window and dose or do you have to take a number and wait?" I say, "I have to take a number and wait again". He says, "We should leave at 8am then". I go and wash my face, brush my teeth, change my clothes, and underwear, brush my hair. I've been parting it so its side swept lately. It covers my face more so people don't have to be disgusted by my face so much. Its covered by my hair.

I let Eleanor outside to go pee pee and poop, and then I give her, her treat after she does her tricks, then I give her breakfast. After that I grab my nook so I have something to read while my dad is at his appointment, then we leave for the clinic. I'm reading a biography of Elliott Smith. I can't believe that Elliott Smith is not more popular. When I play his music for people, the people that don't like him say his music is too depressing. Sure his music is Melancholy, but he makes sadness romantic. I guess some people just don't have that scar. He writes about everyday life and the ups and downs of it. Most singer songwriters when they write a sad song the song is focused on an outer source of sadness, but Elliott wrote about internal source of sadness. Which makes it more relateable. I think if Kurt Cobain were alive and could have herd Elliott Smith, Kurt would have loved Elliott Smith's music. Kurt and Elliott had two totally different writing styles and cannot be compared. I can say I can listen to all of Elliott's albums in one sitting without a break. I can listen to Nirvana in one sitting, but I do need a break. Plus I hate Dave Grohl. He's funny, but his band Foo Fighters SUCKS ASS!!!!! If he did write Marigold then its only good song he ever wrote, and its only good when Kurt sings and plays it. Eliott was only thirty four when he died, the same age as that guy I'm sleeping with. So young, Kurt was twenty seven the same age as me, so so young.

I get to the clinic, and the nurses had to dose us by hand, so I didn't have to go down by 5mgs today. Last week Thursday the nurse forgot take me down, so they took me down on Friday. So I was going down on Fridays. Now I'm going down on Saturdays. I'm not really happy about it, because I just want to get it done and over with. I was thinking of missing three days, and then coming back. That way my dose would be cut in half. Fuck I don't even know what dose I'm at. I think I'm around 50 or forty five. After I'm at 30mgs for three days straight I can call my Phsyc Doctor and he will put me on Suboxone, but I'm going to go down to at least 15 if not 5 or less before I get on Suboxone so what happened last time doesn't happen again.

After I dose, Dad drives to his appointment, I sit in the car and email that guy. No, I don't break it off with him. I just tell him news about my book. News I don't want to jinks, so I'm not going to write about until its official.

In my comments Tayanna(and Dorian too) ask me why I think I'm so ugly. She suggest I blog about it. Since I'm in the mood to blog, I will blog about it. I wasn't an ugly little kid. I was a cute baby, and toddler. Up until fourth grade I was pretty. Then fourth grade my face bones started to grow, and it was not a pretty thing. My two best Friends didn't have this problem. They were still beautiful even though they were changing from little kids into older kids. I started to change earlier. I remember in fourth grade I leaned over the art table and Andrea Konitzter told me I should start wearing a bra. I just had little mosquito bites for boobs, but it was more than all the other third grade girls had. For some reason my growth hormones kicked in early. It was like Papa killed himself and I got boobs in the same year. I've always had this curly light brown hair. I hated going to the beauty parlor, but my mom loved to experiment on me. So she would take me in and die my hair. She always wanted me to be blond, but it always turned out orange. She would try short hair cuts out on me, but my hair is super thick, and curly and they made my hair look like I had a mushroom on top of my head. Before the hair cuts I had long hair, all the way down to my but, and I hated brushing it because my mom never introduced me to conditioner. So it was always a rats nest. Then one summer we were staying with my aunt in Medford Wisconsin, and she introduced me to conditioner and together we got all the snarls out of my hair. At this point it was super curly, now its only loose curls. It was down to my butt. My aunt didn't think that I could take care of my hair, she didn't understand that this was my first time ever combing my hair with conditioner. So she brought me to the beauty parlour and she cut my hair off all the way up to my chin. I cried and and cried. Turns out it was much easier to take care of. I didn't need conditioner, even though after I got back from my aunts I made my mom buy me conditioner. That was the summer from third grade into fourth grade. Kaycee and Jenny were my best, best friends. They were both the most popular, and prettiest girls in school. All the boys liked them, they were picked first for everything at recess yadi, yadi, yada. I on the other hand was the ugly one. I was only 10 years old and I was already getting hips and boobs. Even bigger this year, that I had to wear a bra. My face was ugly. I didn't have pimples yet thank god.

Even though both my best friends got picked first, I got picked last. I got picked on. Kaycee had to go to LD, for her learning disability, as did I. Kaycee never got made fun of for it, but I never herd the end of how stupid I was. Math was my worst subject, that and spelling. A Rub ix cube is like a forgien planet to me. I had a learning disability but my IQ is 110, Kaycee's was 101. I could do most of the puzzles faster than her in the IQ test even though that was where I scored my lowest on the IQ test. You know when you know your smarter than someone, and you want to prove it, but if you do you just look like idiot who is a narccassitic asshole. So I just let the kids beat me down and tell me I was stupid and ugly. Ugly I knew was true, but stupid was only half true. I could write a great creative story. Better than anyone in even the fifth and sixth grade. It may not have been well written, but the ideas where well above my grade level. I always got A+'s on my creative writing assignments. In reading class I always got A+'s on my report card. Phonics I got B's, Science I got B's. Before I got into LD for Math I got F's in Math on every report card. I just couldn't get a grasp on it. When I got into LD, the teacher taught me math in a way no body had ever taught it to me before, and I started to get B's in math. Spelling I always did poorly in unless I studied really hard. I usually averaged a C- in Spelling. Social Studies I always got A-'s. Vocab I always got A's in. If we ever had to partner up, and if Kaycee and Jenny partnered up and I was left alone nobody would pick me. We went to a small Catholic school. The only reason I stayed is because of Kaycee and Jenny. Finally 5th grade rolled around, and Mrs. Desart was going to the teacher for 5th and 6th grade, and she hated me. So I chose to go the public middle school. Kaycee and Jenny stayed at St. Anthony's, I even had to play basketball against them. I got to see Kaycee in LD classes though because ST. Anthony's bussed over the LD kids to Washington public school.

I've never made friends fast. In fifth grade I was a loner. I didn't have any close friends. Nobody even noticed me. I didn't get picked on because I didn't get noticed. I was just apart of the background. I liked it that way. My little sister who was a year behind me and had recess with me would call me over to play with her and her friends. So I didn't have to alone. At home she would ask me why I didn't try to make friends. I said, because its hard, and because I don't really like anyone at Washington. I did have a crush on a boy named Andy, and a girl named Rebbecca found out, and she told him, then she came back and told me, " he said he doesn't like you, he thinks your really ugly". Yet again affirming what I already knew. Fifth grade came, along with my first period, and zits a week before my period.

Everyday after school, or in LD class I would tell Kaycee how left out I felt. She always felt bad about how the kids treated me. She would tell me I'm not ugly. I figured she would tell me that because she was my best friend. During fifth grade I didn't see Jenny a whole lot except for sleep overs, so Kaycee and I became closer. Fifth grade ended, and then middle school started. Kaycee begged her parents to allow her to come to Washington public school, instead of Catholic school and they said yes. Even though Kaycee was the youngest and both of their other children had graduated from St. Anthony's. Kaycee's parent's and my Parent's knew how close me and Kaycee were. Jenny also came to Washington, but that was the year Jenny stopped being our friend. Sixth grade the Abrams kids came to Washington for middle school too. So it was like having a whole new class. I was so excited to have Kaycee at school with me. Plus that year we would be switching classes each hour when the bell rang, instead of staying in the same class room all day. Over that summer a lot of girls got boobs. I wasn't the only one who wore a bra now. Kaycee was happy for me. My boobs aren't even that big, I just got them early. Kaycee was even a little jealous of me and my boobs and period. Girls want to have boobs and their period when they don't have it yet, but once they get it, they wish they hadn't got it. Except the boobs. I like having boobs. I would like bigger boobs. I wouldn't mind a boob job actually. Because I'm fat, my boobs are bigger than they actually are. I have a c cup when I'm skinny, right now I have a D cup, double D Victoria secret size. They always have smaller sizes.

Sixth grade I got my first boyfriend. Marc Amenson. He told me he thought I was ugly, but he thought that meant I would be easy so that's why he decided to go out with me. He was right. I never thought a boy would like me, so I wanted to make out with a boy, and Marc made out with me. We just never really talked about how I looked. I never asked him if he thought I was pretty. This is the time my mom was dying my hair orange, and cutting my hair in mushroom hair cuts. I had zits all over my forehead. My face should have grown into the bones, and still I was ugly. My nose is pointy, my eyes are too close together, my face is short and super round, my chin isn't very defined and if I gain even the littlest amount of weight I get a double chin, I have very small lips, my forehead is super small, my cheekbones are all wrong, My eyebrows are uneven, one eye is smaller than the other, and one eye is higher than the other. My nose has a thing that hangs off the underneath of it. When i smile its crocked, my teeth are not perfect, they are getting very yellow, and now rotting out of my head. The only good thing about my is my hair, and eventually I'll lose that. One side of my hair is thicker than the other.

I think I'm ugly because I have a mirror, and what I see is ugly. What I've been told since I've been pre pubescent is that I'm ugly. Of course my parents tell me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. Boyfriends have told me that I'm pretty. I've even felt pretty for a few weeks until someone knocks me back down to reality and tells me that I'm ugly. When people tell me that I'm pretty I get really uncomfortable, because I feel like they are lying to make me feel better, and I don't want to listen to them lie. So when people comment and tell me that I'm pretty it makes me cringe. I'd rather you guys not comment on my looks. My being fat, I know I'm fat and need to loose weight. I know I'm ugly, and when you tell me I'm pretty your trying to make me feel better about myself. So I'd just rather not hear anything about it. I know you mean well to those of you trying to be nice. Those of you asshole who don't think I have a mirror and feel the need to remind me that I'm fat and ugly, fuck you.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Negatavie Nelley

Last night I spent the night over at that guys house. It was a strange day and night. It started out normal. I got there, and that guy and I had oral sex. I came, he came, I swallowed. I wish I could get a dildo of his cock exactly. I know they make kits for that, but keeping a hard on for that long has to be a feat? They are expensive too. We looked at them when we went to the porn shop, and didn't buy it because of those two reasons. Now I'm beginning to doubt myself. To have Princess Sophia with me all the time. I can have it here whenever I want to fuck. Since that guy lives so far from me, and I only get to see him once a week, my urges can be satisfied. This morning durning a blow job I rubbed my two front teeth along his cock, and now his cock has boo boos on it. I feel terrible. From now on lips over the teeth at all times. This morning I didn't swallow, I wanted to see the cum. I love watching cum.

I keep nodding out. I snorted too much Valium last night. So where it gets strange, first off that guys brother's girlfriend had to get rid of their cats because they were sick, and didn't have the money to pay for the vet bills. So they found a no kill shelter and brought the two cats there. Natalie was very broken up over it. I stayed at the house with her and we did some Valium. We straightened others hair. Then when the boys got back, we went grocery shopping. That guy picked out some steaks and decided that we were going to grill out. When we get back from the grocery store Natalie's mom come by, and Natalie finds out that her thirty four year old brother died. He died of a heart attack, it was his third heat attack. He wasn't fat or anything. I think he did coke when he was younger and it affected his heart.

I really felt horrible for her, because I know what it feels like to loose a sibling. She felt the same as i did. She worried about he mom most. I worried about my parents most too, because its a parents worst nightmare to loose a child.

Fuck right now there is a fly buzzing around me, and it keeps landing on me and then I'll swoosh it away and it'll land on me in a different place. It so fucking annoying. Flys AR as attracted to me as they are to shit. Probably because I am shit. I hate myself and want to die so much.

This whole time while I was at that guys house, I could tell that I like him more than him likes me. For instance, I was sitting it the back seat of the car with him, and I wanted to look at him because he is so hot. I wanted to kiss him, so I crawled over and kissed him neck. I kissed his neck and I went back to sitting in my seat. He went back reading on his off his blackberry about serial killers.

Just now I texted him telling him I writing a blog about how I like him mote than he likes me, and he didn't text back. Just sending the message, yep I don't really like you that much, but I like fucking you so I'm not going to say something to fuck that up. The sex though, we need to spice things up. I need to do some reverse cowgirl, and some side by side sex. We've gotten into a routine already. I know what he likes, and I please him. I'm more of a giver than a taker in bed.

Oh yes, yesterday I bought them groceries. I forgot that I had food stamps, and I have to spend that money by the end of the month or its gone. Since we are moving in a week, we can't be buying food just to pack up and move. So I did them a favor and brought their skinny asses to the store and bought them food. Then that guy made us steaks on the grill. They were very good steaks. Then I went to the gas station and bought a bottle of Southern Comfort, and wound up getting myself very drunk.

That guys brother went a little wild after his girlfriend left for Illinois after she found out her brother had passed away. First he invited a friend from work over. That guy and his brother tried to teach, that guys, brother's friend how to play magic the card game. Then they left to bring his friends car back to his house and walked back. When they got back, I could just tell that Rory had pills in his pocket. I asked what kind of pills he had, he had a Valium, some other pill, and a 10 milligram Oxycontin. No big deal if your not just getting off Methadone. No big deal if your girlfriend just didn't leave you alone for the first time in five years because her brother , Yes it is a big deal because he just go off the Methadone a month ago, his girlfriend is gone because her brother just died, and hes alone for the first time in five years. Then his friend invites these 19 year old girls over. Two of them. Then he wants to leave with is friend and these young girls. That guy try to talk some sense into him, by saying, man if you got put in jail. Still he leaves.

As soon as he leaves, I tell that guy about the Oxy 10 that his brother had, that he shared with me. I knew I wa the biggest idiot In the world. To use an opiate while getting off of Methadone. Especially when its so little, and we split it. Why did I let his brother do something so dangerous. Something I knew he shouldn't be doing, something I knew I shouldn't be doing, but when it was there in front in front of our faces saying no seemed impossible. I wish Rory wouldn't behave. I wish Jess would have kept me locked up in his room for a sex fest for the time I was over there.

Why do you think God made me so ugly? It sucks being me. I see those pretty 19 year old girls and am instantly jealous of how beautiful and thin they are. Even when I was 19 I may have been thin, but I was never beautiful. When I was 18 I thought one day I was looking good, and it was lunch at high school. I had been exercising and was down to 115 lbs, my hair was bleach blond, my make up was perfect, my curls were perfect, my out fit was perfect, and I was walking into the Alternative school feeling good about myself, when a car full of boys drives past and a few scream out the window, "ANNA, YOU WILL NEVER BE PRETTY, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE UGLY. " I wanted to run back to my car and drive home and hide, but I had to go to school, so I walked in the school. a few tears dripped from my eyes, but I got to them before anyone saw me. I never dressed up for school again except for graduation day. My mom took a photo of me on graduation day and I hid from the photo, but recall that I don't look as hideous as I had imagined myself looking because those boys tormenting me that in high school. That day I'll never forget ass long as I live. They say it takes 10 positive comments to make up for on negative one. I think that negative comments gonna take 100 positive comments to make up for that one negative one.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The devil licked my pussy

I'm left in an entirety of good health, and unhappiness. I could have ten million dollars, the perfect husband, be a famous author, with great healthy happy kids, and still be sad. I'd still wish I could use Heroin. This makes me a rotten selfish horrible person. I deserve all the unhappiness I have brought upon myself.

I'm an Aquarius with Virgo rising. Aquarius is ruled by two planets Saturn and Uranus. Uranus is the planet of change, and Saturn is the planet of something... I don't remember. My life is suppose to be ruled by change. I'm suppose to have huge changes happening all the time. Then I have stupid Virgo in my rising or ascending sign which hates change. In both my love planets Mercury and Venus I have Pisces. No wonder I'm an addict who writes about her entire boring ass life on the interweb for everyone to judge. I have this horrible habit of saying exactly what I think. I often sound like a complete moron, but I'd rather be more on than more off. Right?

I'm not sure if I believe in astrology, I used to be big into it, as you can probably tell by my knowing what planets are in which signs. I know the exact time I was born and the exact coordinates. I've never had my chart professionally done, but I learned how to do charts just as a professional would do one. I bought many books on the subject and no they are not cheap. My mom learned Tarot cards and I learned astrology. I forgot most of it now, but I just have to go to the library take a refresher course and I could do anybodies chart if they asked. Two things you need to know, time you were born exactly, and longitude and latitude where you were born. I was born in a small hospital in Oconto Falls and have been in the delivery room I was born in before with a GPS so I know my Longitude and Latitude. It would be harder if you lived in a big city and there had been construction since you were born. Then I guess you'd have to go with the longitude and latitude of the hospital its self. Close enough.

Today, I was taken off the Ritilan which was for addicts, so you couldn't abuse it. My insurance company refused to pay for it any longer, so now my doctor put me on regular old Adderal 30mg twice daily XR. Capsules so its hard to shoot them up or snort them. I looked it up on the Internet though and you can shoot them up, you just have to make sure you get the little round things into a fine powder. I doubt I'll shoot them up. I like downers.

So that guy finally explained why he doesn't read this blog. His exact word were, (names have been changed to keep the guilty from being prosecuted)"I tend to think so and so is correct. Reading it would be like reading someones diary, finding out shit you shouldn't know. "

This is after I had a debate with a reader via email as to why that guy doesn't read a blog that is sometimes mostly about him. I took the position it was because he didn't give a shit what I think about, or do, and therefore didn't want to waste time reading about my boring ass day.

So and so's position was that guy was scared/embarrassed to read what I thought about him, and worried that I would write that I didn't like him, or that he was bad in bed.

I've taken the position that I don't care if he reads as long as I don't know about it. I don't want to have to worry about what I say because I think that guy is reading. I would have not written a lot of stuff if I thought that guy was reading this blog. You all would have suffered if he read this blog and I knew about it. Just like when my aunt read the blog and told me I should tone it down it a bit. I was like fuck you. These are my thoughts and feelings. Are you telling me I should think and feel differently. Should I become someone else because you don't like who I am? That was bullshit. How about you just don't read it any more. Problem solved. That guy seemed to have figured out the solution to the problem even before there was a problem. Kudos to him.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I hate myself and want to die some more

What a fucking boning Saturday. I have no plans for tonight. I'll be sitting at home doing nothing while the world around me goes out and has fun. Socializes. I could call Meghan, but she probably already has plans. She would invite me along, but I would feel like I was intruding. I have no idea what that guy is doing, I have my period anyway, and I'm no good to him if I have my period. He only wants me for sex. This is the longest period I've had in long time. This stupid birth control is suppose to make your periods lighter and shorter, but nope its only made mine lighter. Before my periods only lasted at most four days. Usually three days. Today is the three day mark and its still coming. Normally it would be ending. Fucker!! At this rate I'll never get laid again.

I wish I could see that guy even though I have my period. I really does suck liking someone more than they like you. Just because I used him for sex at first doesn't mean I'm still just using him for sex. I'm not good at showing affection. I need to practice showing him more affection. There is lots of times I want to kiss him, but I don't because I'm afraid he will push me off. An irrational fear probably, but a fear non the less. From now on I'm going to kiss him more, and hold his hand.

I'm lonely. My dad is at the bar, my mom is sleeping, Eleanor is sleeping with her. I've been journaling, and putting photos of that guys cock in my journal. One on the back cover of one of the journals. All of them laminated by the laminating machine. I love laminating things. So that guys cock is will always be remembered in my summer to fall 2010 journal.

I just realized that today is the first time I told that guy that my sister died. He doesn't know that she died in 2003 while drinking and driving. He doesn't know that Pete and I were suppose to be with her, but we went up to Michigan where my parents were living to get my dad Oxycontin, and that I feel like its my fault that she died. Not like he would care.

Fuck, I'm going to the bar tonight. This is bullshit. I'm not sitting in the house watching nothing on TV. I don't care that I have to go by myself. I always know someone in the West. Maybe someone will have some coke. Or something good. Aside from weed.

Friday, August 20, 2010

A smile and wink meant more than a kiss

Yesterday I was hungover, and tired. I ended up staying up all day. Although while blogging I kept nodding out because I snorted Clonazepam right before I opened up the laptop to blog. I didn't do too much all day except take Advil for period cramps. My period was so light I didn't even need regular tampons, I needed light tampons, the ones the size of your pinkie finger. I'm always afraid those will fall out. For some reason I always think my vag is bigger than it really is. I didn't have sex for two years. My shit should be nice and tight. At least I hope. Its not as tight as my asshole, but this girl don't do anal. Sorry if I let any of you down. I can't I got Hep C. and when you do anal you bleed. I've done anal in the past, and it hurts like a bitch. My ex used to beg me to let him slip in my back door, and I'd scream bloody murder, and I don't know if in his mind he'd imagine I was screaming in ecstasy? WTF! I know that my ex has Hep C too, because we shared needles. I don't know if he ever got checked out or not. I've called him and told him at least 10 times to get checked out. But we are talking about a guy who gave me the Clap, and in the first month we were fucking I went to get put on the pill, I got a pap, and STD tested. I always get STD tested when I sleep with someone new, and two days after I got tested the clinic calls me back and tells me to come back in right away. I got an HIV test too, so when they called back and told me to come back right away I was scared. This is before I wanted HIV. I don't want it anymore. That was a phase. Anyway, so I have my ex drive me to Oconto and I go in and tell them that I was called back. They tell to sit in the waiting area. I sit there for 10 minutes, my ex is in the car. Its mid summer and hot as hell outside. I'm scared to death that I have the hiv. Finally I get called in to the doctors office. The nurse tells me I have the Clap, and I actually sigh a sigh of relief. I'm like, so its not HIV, its the Clap. I tell her that the guy I'm sleeping with is in the car. She tells me I should go get him. Mind you, my ex and I had just gotten together like two and half weeks ago, we aren't that comfortable with each other yet, and I have to go out to the car and tell him that he needs to come in and take an anti biotic because we have the clap. Can you say uncomfortable. I know that he gave it to me, because the last guy I slept with was TJ, and I had a STD test when I started fucking him too. Negative across the board. So I know that my ex gave me the Clap. I don't tell him that. I let him think that we don't know who gave it to who. The situation was embarrassing enough the way it was. Having to tell him that he gave it to me was just too much. So we drank our anti Biotic and then we couldn't have sex for seven days. Mind you again we had just started dating, and neither of us had jobs. All we did was fuck. So now we had to wash all our underwear, and not have sex for seven days. We made it four, and said fuck it. I got tested again three months later when my birth control was up, and I didn't have it anymore, so not waiting seven days didn't cause us to give each other the clap again.

Back to yesterday. My dad went to the bar sometime in the afternoon. He got home around 7pm. My friend called. I'll caller Asian because she looks Asian. She told me to come over. I told her I was beat, and that I didn't feel like hanging out tonight. She was like, "Anna, I have something that will make all that go away". So I asked her what she had, and she wouldn't tell me. I guessed what she had, but she wouldn't tell me. I told her I didn't have enough money to buy anything, and she's like don't worry about it. I got it for a really good price, and did a sorta wink wink over the phone. Trying to tell me something so her baby's daddy wouldn't hear. I asked her where the baby was, and she told me her mom took the baby. So I was like, how can I pass this up. Its not every night a friend calls up and tells you to come over for free illegal fun. The whole way there I was hoping that he boyfriend wouldn't be there so we could talk open and freely. Asian has to keep a lot of stuff to herself when he boyfriend is there. Which sucks. I love hearing about everything.

When Asian called, I had just gotten out of the shower. I got dressed, put on mascara, and brushed my hair, and teeth, and put on black sweat pants, and a t shirt like I usually wear. I wore a hooded sweat jacket because it was sorta cool outside. I drove fast to get there, because I didn't want Asian to do all of it without me. When I walked in the door, there was no boyfriend, and there was two eight balls sitting on the kitchen counter for both of us. Plus she had bought us the Walmart package off 100 syringes, because as you know with coke you need a lot of spikes. Meghan had two little mirrors two razors in case we wanted to snort, two spoons, cottons. As soon as I saw what it was I had to poop. I didn't want to inject right away, I wanted to do a line, but before I could I had to poop. Then I got done, and cut myself a huge biker line and so did Asian, as soon as we did that line, both of us had to poop. It was good blow. Normally I'm constipated because of the Methadone, but now that I'm going down I'm starting to poop again every day. Not little rabbit turds once a week. God, its strange to poop every day. You have to stop what your doing and go sit down and push one out. I know gross, but this is a bodily function that I haven't had to do everyday in 7 or 8 years. Even while I was on Heroin, and pills I didn't shit on a regular basis.

After our simultaneous poops we washed our hands, and then we boosted the blow. Which we could only do for about a half hour, or I could because my veins are shit. After that I would lay on the bed with my head hanging off, and I'd have Asian bang me up in my jugular. Then I would do it for her. Then we decided that we were being stupid, and that we should just snort the rest. Even though by boosting it we were saving more.

By this time, both Asian and I were very talkative. We talked about everything from global warming to having kids. Which having kids we talked about for probably four hours. I sorta had a break down about it. I didn't cry or anything, but I came to the realization that I'm 27 years old, I'm on Methadone, getting off it, but going on Suboxone. I'm not in a relationship where talking about having kids is even an option. At 36 your past your prime child bearing years, and then what? I do want kids someday. I'm definitely not ready to have a kid now, or in the near future, but by 33 I'd like to be ready to have a kid. That's only 6 years away. Which means I'd have to be clean and sober totally for at least two years, I'd have to be in a relationship with someone who wants kids, and who I love. Someone who will make a good dad. Not someone who has 5 kids already, and is paying child support for those kids. If I have to I'll do a test tube baby. I'd pick a guy with a high IQ and no addiction in his family past because I don't want my kid to have addiction coming at them from both sides. Unless I love their father, still I want the dad to have a high IQ. I don't them to be called stupid in school like I was. My self esteem issues stem from being picked on since I was in elementary school. Not just for being stupid, but for being ugly, and fat. I was a really skinny kid, but they called me fat. Just to be mean. Kids are fucking mean. I can't imagine having a kid and loving him or her so much, and finding out he or she is getting picked on like I was. My heart would be broken. I don't know what I would do. I don't think there was anything my parents could have done to help me. Maybe give me tutoring. I always had the best clothes, and got everything I asked for.

Wow that's off topic. Not really, its just what we were talking about. So this morning I go to the clinic and I get a UA, and I know its going to be + for Cocaine and weed. I ended up staying awake all night last night, and so far all day today even though I took 10 clonazepam today along with my Methadone. Its 3:15pm, and after this blog I'm going to take a nap, and probably not wake up until tomorrow morning. I do eat my coke boogers. I don't care how grossed out you are by that, its just a waste of coke if you don't eat those boogers. Sometimes there is lumps of coke in your nose that are all sticky like boogers.

Asian got the coke for cheap because there is this black guy that has a huge crush on her, and she had called for me because I had asked if she could get me a 8 ball for Wed and we could meet up at the clinic in the morning so I could bring it down to that guys house. She wanted on for herself. He didn't get the coke in time for me to bring it down to that guys house, but he gave her a gravy deal. 120 for a 8 ball, and the one he was suppose to give her for me he gave to her for free for not getting to her on time. I wanted to save that 8 ball for next time I went down there, but I would have had to pay Asian 160 for the ball and I had that money in my savings account where I can't touch it. I didn't have enough cash on me. Next time I have enough money to buy coke for that guys house though I bet he will make sure the product gets there on time so he gets his money. Now I know that Asian gets a deal, I wonder if she would have gave me the ball for 180 if I didn't know, or if she would have really gave it to me for 160?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Piss and Blood

Yesterday I was over at that guys house. I left for his house from clinic after stopping at Shopko to pick up my crazy pills. As you all know my mom fills my pills and puts them in Monday thru Sunday container AM and PM. The only thing I have to do is stop at Shopko on my way home from the Methadone clinic and get my pills filled. She hides those damn Clonazepam on me, but I found them once again. I need at least...AT LEAST 5 a day to keep me feeling well. Now that I'm going down on my Methadone. I'm at 60 Milligrams of Methadone starting today. I'm thinking most of my sickness is phscyological. Except the diarrhea, and the insomnia, and the sore body, and the sweating all the time. The rest is just using dreams. I fucking HATE those using dreams. They are so realistic, and I swear sometimes in my dream I feel high. Sometimes its just a frustrating dream of me shooting up over and over and not being able to get high. Every now and again though I'll feel high for a few minutes.

On to my day over at that guys house. I got there around 11am. When I got there he was sleeping under the covers, so I laid down next to him, even though I needed to break down a Clonazepam and put it up my nose to make sure I didn't feel sick all day. I put it off though to lay down by him. I pulled the covers over me. That guy sorta woke up a bit. I felt to see if he was wearing any boxers, he wasn't. So like usual I touched his cock and it hardened up. Pre cum oozed out. I gave him a short hand job for a few seconds then I went straight to a blow job. He took off my bra, and I quick took of my shirt, pants, and undies. we 69ed for a while, and as always his tongue does magic. He's always trying to keep me quiet because he lives with other people so 69 is a good way to keep me quiet. I was taking his cock deep down my throat, but I can't find a good pace. I'm going to fast. He had me stop for a few seconds. So I got to enjoy while he licked my clit.

After a few second break I went back to sucking, and I found a pace I could handle. I used my hands and my mouth. Gawd I love his cock, its so sexy. I got the pace just right and he came. Instead of spitting I swallowed the load this time. His cum taste yummy. I had a belly full of dead baby sperm. What a waste. Every now and again I get that maternal instinct thing that comes over me, and I want to get knocked up. Of course I'm not stupid enough to stop taking my birth control and actually try to get knocked up. As a matter of a fact I don't think I can have kids. Pete(my ex) and I had un protected sex for five years, he pulled out maybe 10% of the time and I never got knocked up. I was only on birth control for the first three months of that relationship. Stupid I know, but we did it. I never got knocked up. Fuck, I don't even know that guy that well. I definitely don't want a kid with him right now. I do want kids someday, and I am 27. I get scared that soon my ovaries are gonna shrivel up and not be of any use when I'm ready to make babies with them. That guy smokes so his sperm count is probably pretty low, so even if a condom did break and I did for some ungodly reason forget to take my pill with my morning meds I doubt his swimmers would make it to my egg for fertilization. Knock on wood. Not that, that guy wouldn't be a great dad, he would. Just don't think we're quite at that stage. We aren't even boyfriend and girlfriend. We're not even in a relationship. I like him more than he likes me. He's fucking married still. He was a dad to a kid already, a better dad than I was a step mom to Pete's kid. I guarantee that. God I hate myself for that. I sometimes lay in bed and worry that I caused permanent damage to Pete's son because I was using around him. First and foremost I DO NOT want to be a Methadone mom. I know its better than being a using Heroin mom, but I don't want my baby born hooked to opiates. I would feel so selfish, it cause me to be very suicidal.

I keep getting off track to the really good part of this story. So yesterday, at that guys house they put in a new stove. The house smelled like natural gas really bad. So we stayed in the garage and smoked cigarettes, and waited for Van Vreedees people to come fix the gas line. While waiting I drank a couple Mike's Hark Pink Lemonade, and watched that guy and his younger brother play magic. That guys brother's girlfriend and I hung out and went from sitting in the garage with that guy to going in her room and watching the MTV unplugged Nirvana DVD I bought at Exclusive Company while I did a few lines of Clonazepam and drank some Mikes Hark Lemonade. That guys brother's girlfriend put my hair in pig tail braids and then wrapped them across my head. When I start drinking I start to sweat more. So I had to go get a scarf to wipe the sweat away with. Then Me and Natalie went down to see that guy and his brother mowing the lawn. Of course that guy looked all kinds of sexy mowing the lawn.

After that guy and his brother finished mowing the lawn, all four of us went to the skate park so that guy's brother could ride his skate board, and so that guy could use his RC car. That guys car broke, and his brother hadn't used a skate board in years, so watching didn't take long. We left soon after we stopped. We decided to go to the bar. When we got to the bar there wasn't very many people in there. Four one end of the bar, all males. Two one the other end of the bar one female, and the other a male. Then us four in the middle. I ordered a Pabst Blue Ribbon, and a shot of Southern Comfort. I ended up having six shots of SO CO. When that guy wanted to leave, I didn't want to leave. I had songs coming up on the Juke box. My favorite Nirvana song, Drain You was coming up. Still it seemed that guy was adamant that we leave. So we leave.

By this time I am hammared. More drunk than I have been in a while. We go back to that guys house. We go straight to that guys room. I remember that I was horny. I also remember not being able to tell that, that guy was that drunk. He was of course hammard. I ended up passing out. I'm not sure if we did anything. I do know I was naked when I went to sleep. The next thing I know its 3 am, and I wake up and I'm peeing in that guys bed. He's totally passed out, and not feeling that I'm peeing on him. I try to wake him up and tell him to flip the mattress so we can sleep on the mattress still. He won't wake up. After a while I, get dressed, and get ready to go into the bathroom. When I walk out of the bedroom, that guys brother, and his girlfriend are out in the hallway. They invite me in their room, and I take up there offer. They had made Chicken pot pies. I got one, and I ate it. Then they packed a bowl, and I smoked some weed with them. I giggled, and laughed, and giggled, and laughed. Natalie and I made a pros and cons list as to why I should stay with that guy. They were a lot more pros than cons. The fact that he let me stay in the room with him after I pissed his bed.

Then this morning he woke up, and I woke up when I herd him rustling around. He had slept in the pee all night, because I couldn't get him to wake up all night. So he slept in my piss, and I didn't even get beat up for it. Then we went to have sex, and what do you know, I'm bleeding. I have my period. Which is dangerous for him. I have Hep C. I have no viral load, which means I'm not very contagious, but still don't want to take any chances.

Who wouldn't be surprised if that guy never texts me again, and never asks me to come over again. At least I got to give him a golden shower. He may not have wanted one, and he may have been so passed out that he didn't even notice that I pissed on him until the sun came up this morning.

Still that guy is so fucking hot. If I wasn't bleeding today, I would have fucked him so hard I wouldn't be able to see straight. Damn period.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Steal me away Jess

This morning around 3am my phone kept ringing. I finally woke up and answered it. It was a guy with a British accent. His name was Liam, and he was from England. He had read my blog and happened across the comment where I left my cell phone number. Since I was awake I didn't give him a hard time for calling me. I decided I would talk with him, since he was praising me for my writing skills, and how much he wished he could meet me because he thinks we are soul mates. He even got out his guitar and played Polly over the phone for me. He says he's a junky. He's 32, lives in West London. His parents allow him to stay at their house, which is where he uses the Internet. He just came across my blog two days ago, and has read what he can from the first blog in 2008, to the beginning of 2009. He read all the recent ones and knows that I'm infatuated with that guy named Jess. He even admitted to masturbating to the last post that detailed the sex I had with that guy. So I sat up and let this guy boost my ego for two hours. He begged me to fly to London. I told him I wish he would have called two months ago before that guy came along when I was very lonely and wished every day that someone would fall in love with me via my blog. My blog is word for word who I am. Reading this you get to know who I am. Every mundane part of my life, every mundane thought I have. I would guess that most people are turned off by this blog. Liam on the other hand is turned on. He has fallen in love with my words. With my mundane life, and thoughts.

He's probably a crazy stalker. Sorry Liam if your reading. You sounded normal on the phone, but don't all crazy stalkers. Hey, I'm a crazy stalker too. Just ask that guy. I haven't out right stalked him, but I've had a hissy fit when he didn't text me back all day. Only to find out he was just swimming with friends all day. I sorta wish that, that guy stalked me. It would be sexy if he found a window in the kitchen, let himself in, rummaged through the refrigerator, pour himself a beer, stumbled outside my bedroom door, knowing I'm lying in there my legs are bare, I call out to him, he can hear the fear in my voice, I pull the covers tighter, he presses against the door, he will be with me tonight. Weather I like it or not. I guess if you want him to stalk you its not really stalking is it? Jess please stalk me. Steal me and take me to Mexico. We can drive to any place, day and night to cross this state. In the morning we will wake up someplace else.

Its probably best that I don't date any junkys. I'd devastate my parents. Every time I leave the house now they worry that I'm getting high. They call me and try to surprise me, as if they would catch me off guard. I think what they are trying to do is see if my speech is slurred. The biggest tip off that I'm shooting dope. Every time I go to see that guy I can hear the suspicion in their voices, is there really a even a Jess. When I get home I can see them sorta eyeing my hands and arms to see if there is any red marks where a spike found its way in. Which is the opposite of what I do at his house. I don't do any drugs at his house. Nothing more than I do at home. Just my Clonazepam which is prescribed to me, so its not illegal. The only thing that finds its way into me when I go to that guys house is his cock.

I don't know what else to write about. I'm sick of writing about that guy. I've said all there is to say about how much I like him. I've said all there is to say about how much I love Heroin. I feel okay today as for my weening off the Methadone. Today I cut myself long bangs. So when I put my hair in a pony tail I hair that comes down and I can play with it. I like having hair to play with. I once read that when girl plays with her hair it means she wants to get laid. Its one of the non verbal signals like legs crossed towards the person, lightly touching the person, mimicking body language. I just like feeling soft things, and when my hair feels soft, I like to play with it. Even when there is nobody around to fuck me

Yesterday I asked my mom if I could have a fish bathroom, and she said yes. So the whole day she was on the Internet and looked for Fish themed bathroom sets. She found one with a shower curtain, waste basket, tooth brush holder, carpet, cup, and some other shit for only 51 bucks. Overstock.com baby. I know you could care less about my new bedroom, but I'm excited so I'm gonna blog about it. I got my sheets in via UPS and they are so fucking soft. My down comforter is a darker pink than I wanted, but what can you do. Its also is super soft, and perfect in every way except color. When I get my bed ready I'll never want to get out of bed. Too bad I won't be on Methadone anymore, and sleeping all the time anymore. Its going to be the most comfortable bed ever. I also have a down mattress pad to make my mattress softer.

I was just thinking about my journals. In the journal I'm writing in now I'm almost full. I have a picture of that guys cock in there. He sent me some via email, and I printed one out and put in my journal. I should put some little hearts around it and stuff. I should print another one out and hang it on the wall of my new bedroom. I don't know what I'm going to do with all my laminated pictures of Kurt Cobain and the song lyrics to Season's in the sun. I might buy a small canvas and make a whatchamacallit. I forget the name of those things. Damn it, that's going to bother me.

Tomorrow I go to Oshkosh and see that guy. I'm leaving straight from the Methadone clinic. He has Wednesday's off. I get to bring home my sex toys. I get to have real sex with that guy. I got to stop for the day. I've nothing left to write. So I'm going to spell check.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Love me cancerously

Sorry, no new posts in two days. I just haven't been in the writing mood. I have been dope sick. I can now feel the withdrawals from going down on my Methadone. Today I feel a bit better. My body is getting used to this dose. Too bad on Thursday I will have to dip down 5 milligrams again. I've been snorting Clonazepam like a mad woman. Just to get some sort of relief. I keep crying for no reason. I'm obsessing over Kurt Cobain again really bad. Looking at his picture makes me cry. Watching all his music videos on youtube over and over. Reading his biography Heavier than Heaven yet AGAIN! I'm thinking of going to The Exclusive Company and buying the DVD of his MTV unpluged performance. I've thought about calling my old dealers who's phone numbers I now have again. I'm having using dreams galore. I haven't used. Not even my dad's pills. Every time I have an anxiety attack because I feel I need a needle full of Heroin I do a few lines of Clonazepam and it hits me a lot faster and I calm down. Then I'll eat a a Clonnie and feel better for a while.

God, Kurt was so fucking hot. I love guys who look junkys. The skin and bones look, bags under their eyes, clothes are tore up, dirty hair, eyes pinned and glassy, long sleeved shirts even in 100 degree weather, or short sleeves showing off fresh tracks. My tracks are nearly invisible now. My skin is translucent white, my tracks are on my hands and on inside my elbow where my main vein was. If you look closely you can see them. You can feel them. But they aren't like the used to be. If I tan they show like a mother fucker. I liked how I looked all strung out. All my jeans had holes in them every where, I never cut my hair, and only washed it once a week. So it was dirty and long, I was pasty white, bags under my eyes, I always had to wear a long sleeve white t under my short sleeve ts, see first two photos on blog. I had to cut holes so my thumbs could go thru the long sleeved t so it covered my hand because I used the veins in my hands a lot. Sometimes I would wear dresses, and heels, and turn myself on and masturbate. I had cute polka doted strapless puffy dresses, or baby doll dresses. I miss being skinny. Cute clothes. I've always made my eyes smokey eyes. When I was strung out I used brown eye shadow and brown eye liner and would use it on top and bottom of my eye and smudge it so it looked smokey. Sometimes I used black eye liner and shadow.

Jess doesn't look like a junky, but he's hot anyhow. I mean that guy. He's almost 35, and he doesn't have any kids. He could have a 10 year old, and it would be normal. I could have a 7 year old and it would be normal. Its rare that people our age don't have kids. My ex had a kid. My ex is 31 and his kid is 13 years old. I was a step mom sort of through the worst years of my life. Thank goodness Pete didn't see his kid a lot. His kid never seen me do drugs, but he did see me high. Not on a constant basis. He seen me worse, he seen me dope sick. I would try to go without drugs when his kid was around. I thought that was the better thing to do. Either that or I would do just enough to keep me straight and not get me high. When ever Pete's kid was around I saved a lot of money on dope. One time we took a trip to Florida with him. I had to stop at a lot of gas stations on the way down there and go in the bathroom and fix. That trip I had bought 10 grams for a week, and at the end I had dope left over. I only used the minimum amount to get me well and then the last shot of the day right before his son went to bed I would get high.

Oh god, Jess compared to my ex is 100 times hotter. I hope Pete doesn't read this. We used to go visit Jess and Melissa when I was still with my ex, and I thought Jess was so hot. I was so afraid to talk in front of him. Jess was very talkative, and funny. He would pick on me a little bit. I don't remember exactly what he'd say. Pete and Melissa were friends, and I was always just there. I was the third wheel with them. Thank god for pain killers or I would have been really bored when we visited them. Whenever we visited Jess and Melissa we would always drink, and sit around and watch movies. They had a huge collection of movies. After Melissa and Jess went to bed, my ex and I would have sex everywhere in their apartment. I'm not quiet when I have sex, so I wonder if they herd us. I'm afraid to ask Jess, because I don't want to bring up my sexual past with my ex with Jess. I don't want to hear about his sex with Melissa. Well actually I do, but I'm sure he doesn't want to know that I was fucked on his kitchen counter just outside his bedroom. That I was fucked every which way on his couch. He doesn't know that I thought about him when I was having sex with my ex though. I don't think that would change the fact that fucked in his apartment. We weren't together, and I'm sure he fucked Melissa while we were there. Which I could care less about. I will never ask him. Although I am curious. One time somebody came out to go to the bathroom and I was totally naked spread eagle across the floor in between the couch and the kitchen getting eaten out. Who ever came out of the bedroom had to have seen me, but they just went to bathroom, and went back into the bedroom and didn't stop to have a look. I wonder if it was Jess or Melissa?

After Pete and I broke up, and Jess and Melissa became distant memories. Rory and Natalie (Jess brother Rory, and Rory's girlfriend Natalie) were still my friends. They happened to go to the same Methadone clinic as I did. So I would sometimes ask about Melissa or Jess. I didn't like Melissa. She was always trying to get my ex to leave me. For good reason at the end, but still. Plus, Pete(my ex) had relations with her when he stayed down there for a few days while Pete and I were fighting because of my drug addiction. So I had a distaste for Melissa. I liked Jess and wanted to fuck him, but he was in love with Melissa. I would ask if they were still together. I'd find out she cheated on him, they broke up, he took her back, they don't talk to him anymore so they don't have any news, then she cheated on him again, he moved in with them, I told them I thought he was hot. I got to fuck him finally.

The first time I went to see that guy, I just wanted sex. I never thought I would like him as much as I do. I was sexually attracted to him from the first time I met him. I wasn't going to pass up the chance to have sex with him. The sex was amazing. Not just because I hadn't had sex in two years. He is just great in bed. Never in a million years did I think he would want to see me more than twice. I started to fall for him almost right away. I started to become physco right away too because I thought/think he is going to hurt me and I tried to break it off, but stopped because I wanted to keep having sex with him. I found that I can't separate the sex from the feelings I have for him. Oh, how I wish I could. Life would be 1000 times easier. I'm pretty sure he can separate those feelings. Men can do that. If he even has feelings for me, aside from thinking of me as a good friend with benefits. I wonder if that guy thinks about me when I'm not around. Probably not, unless its about sex. Then maybe every now and again. I think about him obviously when I'm blogging, then I'd say four or five times during the day. Not every day, but most days.

I am so curious as to what will happen in the future with me and that guy. Will he go back to his wife? Will he and I get into a relationship? Will we part ways amicably? Will we stay friends with benefits for a long time? Will he like me more when I loose weight after I get off the Methadone? It really sucks being fat. I don't understand why he would be with me right now. I understand why he doesn't want to be in a relationship, its because I'm fat. In four or five months I should be down to my normal weight. At least a healthy looking weight, by spring I will be thin. Hopefully not strung out on drugs. I keep forgetting that. Soon I'm going to off Methadone and on Suboxone. That guy only knows me on Methadone, he doesn't know my mood swings. Well he knows them a little, but they are worse off Methadone. I don't want to be that girl. I don't care if he goes out with his friends. I don't care if he looks at other chicks, or if he jerks off to pornos, or if he thinks about other chicks while fucking me. Fuck, I'd love to watch him have sex with another woman. It would turn me on. It makes me really horny just thinking about it. I'd rather wait until I get skinner for that. I hate it when girls are a lot prettier than me. Even though almost all girls are prettier than me even when I'm thinner, but being thinner I feel better about myself just a smidgen. If he finds someone else he can break it off with me and fuck

That guy has what I want. Now as I get off the Methadone and loose the weight I put on in the past two years I will become more sexually confident. He will be knee deep in sex. He will be pushing me away. I will be masturbating on a constant basis, plus I'll be extra horny because I'll be off Methadone. So my sex drive will be 100% plus my inhibitions will be at 0%. That makes for a sexy cocktail. Imagine if that guy would have hooked up with me when this happens. Its like the perfect storm.

Enough about that guy, and getting of Methadone, loosing weight, having a sex. Right now I have to deal with the cravings. The dope sickness. The only thing that can take my mind off that is sex. I have to wait until Wednesday for sex again. I wish I could get my hands on some Coke. It would take my mind off this withdrawing business for a while. I know, I sound like an idiot. This is how the mind of an addict works though. Instant gratification.

My days are long, my nights are longer. TV is not as entertaining as it was when my dose was making me nod out. Pictures of Kurt Cobain make me cry. Music is all I want to listen to. My MP3 is full, so I can't go on Rhapsody and download new music. I have no NIN, or Weezer, or White Stripes. All these I want to listen to. I should look for new music. I like Elliott Smith type music, and its hard to find a good singer song writer. Tori Amos, I should download her too. She did a cover of Smells like Teen Spirit, and Reign in Blood by Slayer. She did a bunch of covers. I should download some Slayer too. I love Slayer. Slayer doing Black Sabbath Covers. Type O negative Black #1 is a great song. I might just use the MP3 that only one ear phone works unless you push the part where you plug the ear phones in down then both work. I need to delete a bunch of music on my good MP3 player, but I can't figure out how to delete it. My cell phone has a MP3 player, but I don't know how it works.

Oh shit fuck, I hate being a fat cunt. I'm done posting for the day. I've bored you enough for the day. Time to spell check.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Kill me romantically

I left Tuesday at 3ish for Oshkosh to see "that guy". I didn't get to Oshkosh until 5pm because the traffic was really bad, and I stopped at a gas station to pick up some alcoholic refreshments and a roast beef sandwich from Arby's so I wasn't hungry when I got there. It was so hot and humid out and there is no a/c in the Jeep so I rolled down the windows and let my hair whip around and slap me in the face. I chain smoked and listened to the radio the long ass ride down there. I was sweating, it had been pointless to put makeup on before I left because it was all sweated off by the time I got to his house.

I hadn't see "that guy" in a almost two weeks, so when I finally got to his house and seen him laying in his boxers napping he was even hotter than I remembered him. Him and his tattooed body, his cock, "Princess Sophia". I lay down next to him and touched him. He touches me. I am instantly wet. I touch his cock, and its hard. Some pre cum oozes out. I give him a hand job for a few minutes, then I give him head for a bit. I love to put Princess Sophia in my mouth. His cock is perfect for fucking and sucking. I took his cock as far down my throat as I could, and I gaged just a bit. Then I stopped, and took off my shirt, my bra, my pants, my panties, pulled down my tank top so my boobs were out. "That guy" pulls me down by him and my legs are spread he puts his cock inside my wet, ready pussy. Oh God, that first penetration feels so amazing. It always makes my eyeballs pop out of my head, and I gasp for air and say AHHH! Then he fucks me. Different speeds, different depths, every single moment is Ecstasy. Right before he cums he pulls out and takes off the condom and cums on my tits again.

Then later he was titty fucking me, and he had a huge load, and he came in my eye. Which never happened to me before. Pretty neat huh. I watched the cum shoot out of his cock, and the first pump wham in the eye, and then some on my face, and a whole bunch of seamen on my tits. That was a huge load.

That was after we went to the sex store, and I got a new Dildo, a clit tickler, a bullet, and Jess got two cock rings. He was using the cock ring before he titty fucked me, and the cock ring worked amazing well. It kept his cock rock hard, and he could fuck me like an animal. He usually does though. I guess this time there was no worry of his cock getting soft. He fucked me with my new dil, he used his tongue and I came so many times in the past two days. I came so much that I had to make him stop touching my clit because it was too sensitve to touch by then. I didn't even get to use my new clit tickler on myself yet, and I forgot it at his house. So hopefully I see him again soon, if only to get the bullet and the clit tickler. I'll leave the dil at his house. For him to use on me. I would buy a smaller one to put in my purse so I can carry it with me at all times, I'll carry my clit tickler and bullet with me. Maybe not the bullet. I can keep that in the night stand, but the clit tickler, I can always use that in my purse. Say I'm at my Phycs. Dr. and waiting in the waiting room. I can go in the bathroom, use my new little machine, cum, then see my Dr. tell him I masturbated see what his thoughts are on that.

On Wednesday morning we had to wake up early so we could go to the Methadone clinic. Its a longer drive from Oshkosh to Green Bay than it is from Oconto Falls to Green Bay. So "That guys" brothers, girlfriend Natalie drove us to the clinic so I didn't have to drive. Her boyfriend came along too. So all four of us drove up to Green Bay so I could get my dose. After that we went to McDonalds, I had a sausage, egg, and cheese Mcmuffin with a Mocha Frappe. Then Jess, Natalie, and Rory wanted to go to The Exclusive Company. A record store in Green Bay. So we went there. We had to wait in the car for a few minutes because we got there before it opened. When it did open we all looked around at CD's, Records, DVDs, music on DVD. Jess got a shirt. I ordered a CD. The Oohlas, Best Stop Pop.

On our way back to Oshkosh Rory slept, Natalie drove, I was tired because the Methadone was kicking in, and Jess was tired. I put my head in his lap, but then my head and hands were next to his penis. Which means I can't leave it alone. I rubbed his cock almost the whole way back from Green Bay. I wanted to give him a blow job so badly, but because we were in a car with his brother and his girlfriend I couldn't whip out his cock, and suck on it, or at least give him a hand job skin on skin. Not just through his pants. As soon as we got back to his house we screwed. I don't remember what we did after that. I know I took a long nap on Wednesday after sex. I was tired because of my Methadone and Clonazepam.

After I woke up from my nap, Jess wasn't at the house. Natalie was there. She was on the computer, and I wanted to see the wedding pictures from Jess's wedding. Mainly I had forgotten what his ex looks like. We couldn't find his wedding pictures, but Natalie had some photos from the wedding in her room. Just two pictures of Jess and Melissa during their first dance from behind. So I could only see what her frame looks like, and her hair color. Then Natalie found one, where they had stopped by and cut cake at Jess' Dad's house. That one we struck gold on. Melissa was in that photo, and I remembered exactly what she looked like because there was a photo of her right in front of me. She is very pretty. Although you can tell she's sort of evil by her eyes. Seriously she has devilish eyes. Not ugly by any means. Beautiful, but devilish. She has a great body. Bitch. Just kidding. I can't blame her for that. She is a bitch because she fucked around on her husband, and had a kid by someone else. Then when Jess let one of his friends stay at their place for a long time, and neither his friend nor Melissa had a job, and Jess was supporting both of them, Melissa fucked his friend. Poor Jess caught them.

I found all this out because I asked. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself. I stopped myself from going into a million different questions like I wanted to. I could have quizzed him about his childhood up until the moment we were sitting there and I was asking him those questions. He was all wrapped up ordering these t-shirts online. They are funny t-shirts, and if you come up with a funny t-shirt idea you win money plus free t-shirts. Jess came up with a funny idea. I won't give out on here, because people will steal it and make money off it.

Fuck, I've been using his name instead of that guy. That guy hasn't been reading my blogs even though he knows how to get to them, he knows that I write about him. But I haven't been writing about him all the time anymore. He would probably get board reading about me. Who cares what I think unless it is about you. Right. Still even then I don't he cares what I think. Unless its about his cock. I don't mind that he doesn't read my blog. If he did I would probably censor myself more. Not tell every detail about every thing. Like my period would get left out. God knows everyone MUST know when I do and don't have my period. How heavy the flow is. How long it lasts.

I have to go and spell check this now. So I can watch a movie. Sorry this blog sucks still.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Hyper aware of you.

This morning the clouds were on the ground. When I woke up and looked out the window I couldn't see a foot in front of me. Last night I took my Clonazepam and I didn't blackout. I think my body is getting used to my medication increaseage. So I slept good last night, and woke up refreshed this morning. I want to tell my mom to put my Clonazepam back in my night pills, but she was so happy when I said I'd stop taking them at night. I hate to disappoint my parents again and again. They are so happy that I got kicked out of the Methadone clinic. That should tied them over a while.I'll just ask for a Clonazepam everyday and save them for night time. Even though my mom puts up a shit fit every time I ask for a Clonnie,but she always gives me one.

I woke up inside a cloud. I got dressed inside a cloud. I drove to the clinic inside a cloud. On my way there I stuck my hand out the window and felt the wetness of the cloud on my hand. I listened to the radio, and smoked cigarettes like they were going out of style. I looked at the other drivers as they passed me by, I could barely see them the fog was so thick. I was going 60 in a 65 because I couldn't see tail lights ten feet in front of me. If someone where to break in front of me I would be fucked. There would be a pile up. I left too early, if I would have left at 8am the fog would have lifted some, but I left at 7am and the fog was still a thick blanket. Fog is like my depression, its thick and you can't find your way out. You can't see your way out. Up, down, side to side, you have no idea which is which after a while if you floating around. No matter how far you run you always seem to be in the same place. If you stick you hand out it gets wet.

I get to the clinic inside a cloud, and there is a few people in there, I go up to the window to let the nurses know I'm there. I have my Elliott is missed t-shit on, with its cigarette burns in it. I have to wait a few minutes before I can dose because both the people at the windows before have to get UAs. This one guy sitting down figures out that the Elliott my shirt is referring to is Elliott Smith. He too is a fan. He wants to talk to me about Elliott, but both councilors are out in the waiting area, and there is no way I can talk. If I talk they won't even let me tapper down, they will just kick me out. So I just nod my head, and smile at this guy. He probably thinks I don't even know what my shirt means. Oh well, I'd rather him think that, then get kicked out and not tapper my dose at the clinic. I think he figured out I wasn't allowed to talk when I got to go in front of everyone after the two people at the window got done peeing into a cup. Which reminds me. I've never had a supervised UA in my four years at both Ku Aloha Ala Mau or QAM. I've had them in front of my PO and in front of my Physc. Doctor to make sure I was taking all my prescribed medications. I've never cheated on a UA either. I've thought about it a lot, but never did it. I've even bought clean pee before, but never used it. I dosed inside a cloud, and took my pills inside a cloud.

I walked back out to the jeep, and drove home by myself alone. On Thursday I have to start going down 5mgs a week again. Every Thursday I go down 5mgs. So on Thursday I'll be at 65mgs. Today on my way home I didn't get double vision. I didn't nod out. My body is getting used to its new dosage of medications. Too bad every week its going to have to get used to a 5mg drop in Methadone. I wonder what my brain chemistry is doing? I know that being a junky changes you brain chemistry forever. Your opiate receptors are never the same. Your neurons, and synapses are rewired forever. All because you got hooked on junk. Beautiful Heroin.

I miss your smell, I miss your taste, I miss your touch, I miss your kisses, I miss you. Your my favorite arm kandy. Your so beautiful. You hurt my feelings, you've ruined my life, I've nothing to show except some scares. You've turned me into a ruthless bitch, cunt, douche bag. You make me hate myself and want to die, until I put you in my body and feel nothing. Everything can be going all wrong until you come along one breath and everything is okay again. At least for a few hours or so. I don't care how you came along. I don't care how you go away. Just as long as when I wake up I'm not sick and you gone forever. I'll always think of you from time to time. Always think back and lust after your kisses. Then I'll remember that I live my life in ruin for you. Your not worth it. I'd rather be straight...I think. I'm sure right now. Your lust is powerful and the attraction I have to you runs deep. Your the scar I want to keep.

Tonight I'm going over to "that guys" house. He took the day off work. I'll spend the night tonight, and tomorrow I have to drive up from Oshkosh to Green Bay to get my Methadone. Its been almost two weeks since I've seen him, and almost two weeks since I've gotten laid. I'm very excited to FUCK! I have to wait for my parents to get back with the car. They went to Appleton today to go shopping. I stayed home because I wanted to blog and then clean my room and get ready to go to Oshkosh. Unfortunately I can't straighten my hair today. I like it straight when I go to Oshkosh for sex. It just makes it easier. Today Its super hot outside too. Just sitting inside here in the air conditioning I'm sweating. I can't imagine fucking in his hot ass room. I have to take a shower soon. It will be a cold shower. I feel so bad for my baby Eleanor. She has all that fur on these hot days. That's probably why she lays on her bed right in front of the air conditioner. When she gets really hot she rolls on her back and spreads her legs and lets her belly get all the cool air.

So on Thursday I'll tell you all about the sex if I feel like it. I've noticed I'm getting bored writing about the sex. Not having the sex, but telling everyone about it. I don't mind telling you about one of the time we had sex, but every time we had sex gets to be a little much. Every blow job, every time he eats me out, every time he cums, every time I cum, if he cums on my tits, etc...

I think I'm becoming lazier and lazier about writing. I'm not pushing myself at anymore. You know what it is? I'm not reading as much as I usually do. I still read, but no like I should. I'm rotting my brain with TV. I have no idea how to start out a good idea. How to wax literal? My brain is starving for more books. I need to stop reading all these biography's and start reading more fiction. I've been reading a lot of books over again. I need to stop that too. I have a nook, I can download any book I want. I should take advantage of that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to read something I've never heard of before. Expand my horizons. Maybe then my blogs will be a little more inspired. Maybe after this fucking heat wave is done I will feel the muse strike and blog and write and journal until my fingers bleed. Until then, I apologize. I'm so sorry for this blog. I've really let it go. I'm ashamed.

Monday, August 9, 2010

This world isn't waiting its just passing me by

Its hot and humid outside, out air conditioners are working at full capacity, but still I'm warm. Yesterday I took some Clonazepam even though it has been making me black out, and I was too busy being blacked out to roll cigarettes. So this morning I had to buy a pack of cigarettes on my way to the clinic. My dad again drove me to the clinic. When I woke up this morning I felt like I had a hangover. I woke up before my alarm clock went off, and I had anxiety just like I do after I drank all night. I had a headache. I was dehydrated. I felt dirty even though I took a shower right before bed, and washed all my bedding that day. I guess I just can't handle the Clonazepam anymore.

I still have some Clonazepams left. I found my bottle and took four or five.Until I'm off the Methadone or until my body gets used to my medication increase I cannot take Clonazepam. Which sucks, because as most of my readers know, your body gets addicted to Benzos. Benzos and Alcohol are the only two drugs you die from withdrawals. The seizures they can cause are what can kill you. That and the how it screws with blood pressure. I'm seriously hooked on Benzos, and not taking them for more than two days is hellish, plus going down on my Methadone. Can you say shitty. I don't even want to write about it any more. I can't think about it.

"That guy" that I have obsessed over in past blog posts I think most of you know his name. It starts with a J. It has a E in it and two S's. I'm not obsessing over him right now because he is texting me every day, and I'm going to see him on Weds. This will be the first time I will see him without any Clonazepam in my system. I've only been screwing him for a few weeks. This will be the first time I see him on a Wednesday. His day off. I know your all surprised that he didn't break it off with me, as am I. That blog where I thought he was breaking it off with me, well he was just off with friends. He texted me as soon he got the texts. I just am really physco. He never read the blogs because I've told him not to, and he says hes scared to find out what I'm scared for him to read. Either he's lieing to avoid that uncomfortable weirdness, (because how can you pass up reading a blog that is all about you) or he's just strange and never read it because he really is scared to read how fucking crazy I am. If its number two, then I'm lucky. Wait if its either I'm lucky. If he read that shit and didn't run I'm super lucky. If he did read it, he had to be super close to running far, far away.

I'm so sorry. I'm just not in the blogging mood today. I'm too hot and feel like shit. I just don't feel normal. Not even when I nod out. I got my new down comforter from UPS today. Its rather pink. I wanted a light pink, but its a bright pink. I'm glad that we can't smoke in our new apartment or even on the patio, because I know that comforter would have holes in and duct tape all over it. This way my bed will be soft and not have feathers flying everywhere. I have my typewriter, I need a new ribbon for it, I'll need a new desk for my room. Where should I go online to find a cheap desk? Ebay? I hate bidding on shit. I just need a small desk and chair. My bed is big, and I have a big dresser. I actually have two dressers. One tall one, and one long one with a mirror over it. I will have the one with the mirror over it in my room. My little flat screen TV will sit on that and my clothes will be in there. Oh fuck, like anyone cares what my room is going to look like.

I haven't gone a sex ride in two days. I haven't even masturbated in two days. The whole weekend wasted in the sex part. I saw a movie with my friend Meghan, and then we sat around and talked. I went home, then yesterday I took the Clonazepam and blacked out again. I only have one more week of staying stable at 70mgs of Methadone until I start going down 5mgs a week again. I have a sex wound on my foot, and I had a band aid on it, I should have just let it get air. Yesterday I pushed on it and green puss came out of it. So I pushed on it until I got it all out then and cleaned it out with alcohol and peroxide, and antibacterial cream. Today its hurting. Okay I just got back from cleaning it out again. Its a big hole in the top of my foot. If I didn't know better I would think it was a healing abscess..

Hopefully tomorrow I'm more in the mood to blog. Hopefully even if I don't have anything to blog about I'll go into my past and tell a story about either my using past or my sex past. Leave a comment if you have a preference. Maybe I can combine the two. I don't know if I blogged more about Charlie on my Myspace blog, or on this blog, but either way, he is from Hawaii. We sorta dated for about two months the first time I moved down there. He is half Vietmenses and half white, and his name is Charlie. Get it. Charlie Cong. Well, we have been texting again. We aren't getting back into a relationship. He reads my blog and knows that I like "that guy" a lot. For a while Charlie and I were estranged because of my blog. Now, I hope that we've moved past that, and can be friends. I know he's moved past me. I can't go into details, he doesn't like it when I write about his life on my blog. I can say he likes the arm candy too. Not pretty women if you know what I mean.

Oh yeah, Lindsey Lohan is in jail. I know this is a old entertainment story. I'm not on top of E stories. I mean I knew that LL has been in jail, but I didn't blog about it because I didn't think you guys cared. I care because I was in jail late last year. I know what its like, I wonder how LL is doing in jail? Those showers dry out your skin and hair soooo bad. It took my skin a month to recover. My hair started falling out in chunks from stress. I was in jail in the city that "that guy" lives in. I said the day I got out of jail that I would never return to that city. Who would have thought that I would return for "that guy". I wonder if when LL gets out if she'll move back to NYC and only come to LA to do movies if anyone ever hires to do movies again?

I never realized how old the band Flipper is. They're first album is from 1981, I don't remember the name of it. Its yellow with a simple picture of a shark drawn on the cover and the name flipper on top. The second album Blowing Chunks, and then their third album, which I forgot too. I know they are from San Fransisco. The have some good punk music. I always figured they were a band that was around the early 90's. Flipper made their last CD in 2003. You can tell they are a lot older. Flipper is officially Noise Rock/oldschool punk. I ordered a Flipper t-shirt. I wanted a Dead Kennedy's t, but they were out of stock, so I got an email to find another one. I just happened across the band Flipper. I never thought I'd find a Flipper t-shirt. They had four or five different ts. They even had the same one that Kurt had. As soon as I saw it I immediately ordered it. Now when I get it, I'll feel like a shmuck for wearing it. Kurt was a huge fan of Flipper. I'm a fan, and if I had room on my MP3 player I would down load some Flipper songs, but my MP3 is full. If I could delete some music I would, because I have too much Radiohead that I don't even listen too. I have a lot of Elliott Smith, but I listen to all of that. My mom had the MP3 before I had it, because I had one but it broke, so she has some music on there that I would like to delete. I should take it in to a electronic shop and see if I can get shit deleted off of it. Its not Ipod its a Sansa San Disk 2.0GB.

Now touchin the sun. I was thinkin of runin, doubles back and you have to make some more. You have such patience. I want some more. Joe shows me the door. Hello I want some more. Some police are sitting in my car, spitting in eye. This world isn't waiting, its just passing me by. I got a .forty five and I'm standing in line. goodbye.