Saturday, August 7, 2010

Abort Christ

I'm surrounded by cornfields and willow trees. The corn is taller than me and I'm 5'7 and an half. My neighbors have disappeared behind the stalks of corn, and as I sit in the shade of one of the five Willow trees on the property, and in all four directions there is cornfields within three miles of the house. Following the road is a forest and a swamp.

My dad sold the horses to the Amish last week. My dad hasn't been doing much with them. He hasn't hitched them up once this summer, and when we move to Green Bay for six months or so we would have had to board them, and that is expensive, plus while we are in Hawaii we would have had to board them also and that is expensive, so selling them seemed the best idea. They were my dad's horses. I was never big into horses, these were big Belgian horses and I was sort of scared of them. I would go for rides when my dad hitched them up and would take us on rides in the woods. My favorite was when we took rides during the spring or the fall. Sometimes people would pay my dad to take them out on sleigh rides during the winter. Christmas was a big time for sleigh rides for families with kids. That is when we lived on the main land during the winter months.

This morning I woke up before the sun. I got up out of bed, and the only thing on TV was info commercials. So turn on CNN, and watch the news. I go to change my clothes and do so slowly. I brush my teeth, and hair. Change my underwear, my pants, I put on a bra, and a shirt. I only put on some mascara for makeup. Still the sun was just coming up over the horizon. I didn't want to leave for the clinic just yet. So I sat back down and watched some more CNN. I opened a window and put a fan in it. Its the perfect temperature outside right now. There is a breeze outside and it smells nice. My dad gets up, and I ask him to drive me, because I've been getting to loaded to drive home lately. He gets dressed, brushes his teeth, shaves. We both smoke a cigarette, and we leave around 7.

The drive there I'm tired. I didn't sleep very well. I didn't have a Clonazepam last night and my body is so used to taking Clonazepam that its going to go thru withdrawals. I don't want to ask for one, because they have been making me black out lately. I wish it were like a Heroin nod, but its not, its like a loosing time mental illness black out. Although its not my Bi Polar that's making me black out, its the mixture of medications that I'm on that's making me black out. I try to read on the way there, but I pass out, and we are at the clinic in what feels like minutes. I go in, there is a bunch of people in there, but because of my "punishment" I get to go in front of everyone and dose right away, and leave. Everyone looks at me with an evil glare as I walk out. There isn't even enough room for people to sit down it's so full in the waiting area. There is only on nurse dosing. Usually we have two, but one nurse is having personal issues.

I get back in the Jeep, and my dad pulls out of the parking lot. We don't talk about anything. I don't get to listen to my radio station when he takes me. I would rather my mom take me, but she rarely gets up early enough, and if she does I end up having to go shopping. I hate shopping for just the sake of shopping. I do need a candle for my room. I need yet another blanket for my bed, because I've put so many cigarette burns in the blanket I have now. Although we are moving soon, and I ordered a new down comforter, and in the new place we can't smoke. I don't have to worry about putting cigarette burns in my new comforter or sheets, or mattress. My poor cousins bed is full of cigarette burns. Thank god he's married and lives in his own house with his wife now. I doubt he will ever sleep in this bed again. I pretty much destroyed his childhood bed. I know, I know, I'm a douche. I've stopped bringing cigarettes in my room at night. Just since yesterday night when burnt my Blackberry that I just got. When I want a cigarette I get up and go out into the living room.

Wow this blog is boring. Its all shit you already know. On our drive home from the clinic, just like always as of lately, about half way home, I started to get double vision, and would nod out, but when I came back to I didn't know where I was. I think it has to do with them upping my Ritalin. I'm on this type of Ritalin that is made for people with addictions. So you can't shoot it up, or snort it. It also is suppose to be released evenly so there isn't a sudden up, and then a sudden drop. So no high, and no low. Its got a special name brand, but off label its called amphetamine. My insurance pays for off label. The brand name starts with a V, I know that much. It could also be the Topamax that has been upped to a really high dose from 50mgs in the morning and 50mgs at night to 200mgs in the morning and 200mgs at night. Plus the birth control. I used to always get the Depo Preva shot, but now I'm on the pill. I've never been on the pill. I take it every morning. I know that messes with hormones, and so does methadone. The Methadone messed with my hormones more than it does with your average person. It made my thyroid slow down, so I'm on thyroid medication for hypo Thryroidism. So now that I'm going down on the Methadone my hormones are going whack. Fuck I bet I'd be better off just going off all my medications including my Methadone, and Bi Polar meds. Nevermind the withdrawals and the wild mood swings. At least my hormones would stabilize, and I would be normalize. Then I would go back on my mood stabilizers, and if I needed to I go on Suboxone. If I didn't need to I would stay off opiates for the rest of my life.

Man I wish I new what a Earth Quake felt like. When we got home it was 8:30, and I realized now that the time stamp on this blog is off by a lot of hours. When we walked in the door, Eleanor was barking at us. She was jumping up on my leg which means she wants me to pick her up. So I picked her up, and brought her over to the couch where I sat down for a minute. I pet her and played with her for about 15 minutes. She was very gassy, and she farted a lot. She stank up the couch. I had to get away from her, so I decided I'd go roll some cigarettes. I rolled two packs. It took me almost two hours, because I kept nodding out while rolling the cigarettes. I got up to let Eleanor outside to go poop. She pooped, and came running as fast as she could up the stairs in the house, and she jumped up in the door, and she missed and fell. It was so fucking cute, but it was sad, and scary. First I screamed, which scared her even more, then I ran out the door, and grabbed her because she was stunned and not moving. I brought her in the house, and gave her some treats, and she started doing her tricks without me even telling her to, so I knew she was fine. Just stunned. My screaming didn't help. She just didn't have the momentum to jump up that last step into the house. I went back to packing cigarettes. What titillating life I do lead.

Tonight I was going to go over to see "that guy", but he doesn't get done with work until 8pm and why drive all the way down there just to spend such little time with him. Meghan wanted me to see a movie with her tonight anyway. So I'm going to see Inception with Meghan with her tonight around 7pm. No drugs no drinking. I swear. Meghan and I have a history of both, but tonight its just a movie, and then going back to her house and hanging out talking about whatever we want. Usually Meghan does the talking, and I do the listening and advice giving. Who the fuck am to give advice. I know...right!


naomi said...

Ah, I know what you mean. A few months ago I got a brand new laptop, a sony vaio. I was sitting on the floor having a ciggie, watching the Sopranos. Suddenly I wake up and its two hours since the sopranos finished. On no, did I put out my ciggarette, I think. I look down and lying on the keyboard is my cigarette, its the same length as an unlit one but as I look closer I realised thats because I dropped it on the keyboard and it continued to burn to ash all the way to the butt. I pick up the butt and blow away the few inches of ash to reveal a lovely melted array of keys. And I had had it one day! One! I could have been sick. I have ruined many expensive outfits, furniture, carpets.... you know the deal!

I want your blue crack is whack tshirt! where did you get it?

Anna Grace said...

I got the Crack is Wack t at Hot Topic back in 2005. I'm sure if you look it up on the internet you can find one. I've been ordering shirts of the web like a mad women lately. I like it because you get shirts nobody else has. Well, at least very few people have. Not like shopping at the mall and looking like cookie cut outs of eachother.