Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. I got a comment on my last blog that is quite fitting for yesterday's blog. Its pretty much says the reason Jess will break up with me is not because I'm fat and ugly, lots of fat and ugly people get laid, its because I'm a fucking crazy physco chick who won't leave him alone.
Yesterday I flipped out because I texted "that guy" like 8 times and he didn't reply. Well, around some time? I think it was just before it got dark outside, "that guy" texted me back and told me he had been out with freinds. I wanted to slap myself. That had been in the back of my head the whole time, but I figured he would have told me he was going somewhere. Oh well, NRA for life. I dug my own grave. I tend to do that.
Then this morning he texted me and was super nice. He must have read yesterdays text messages and seen that I had gotten all upset. The he said he was going to read my blogs when he gets home tonight. The first thing that came to my mind was to tell him no, don't read them. I didn't want him to see how absolutely obsessed I actually am with him. That leaves him with even more leverage on me. He then texted me back, and asked, "do you want me to read your blog or not? What, did you fuck someone else or something"? I replied, "You can read it if you want to. I just don't understand how someone could not be so not self obsessed to not read a blog that is pretty much all about them. Then again I'm a narcissist". Which thinking back I just gave him totally mixed signals. No don't read my blog, How could not read my blog, its all about you. WTF, I just fucked with your mind.
Anyhow, I'll leave the "that guy" subject alone for a while. Too much writing and thinking about him and my mind will explode and I won't like him anymore. Seriously though I've gone through this type of thing before. Where I really fall hard for a guy, I keep hurting myself over and over again in my own imagination and then in reality he hurts me too, they never work out. No matter how badly I want them to. It always happens with the guys I like the most too. The ones that aren't lazy, the ones that are funny, and hot, and great in bed, plus smart. Just my luck
Okay, I've been sick since Monday night. Finally today, after last night vomiting in my sleep I feel better. I know how do you puke in your sleep. I didn't wake up until I started choking on my puke and I turned over on my side and opened my mouth and projectile vomited all the way to my closet door. This happened at about 5am. So I woke up and cleaned up the puke, and put all my blankets and the towels I used in the washing machine. I puked on my new favorite t-shirt its an Elliott Smith t-shirt that says Miss Misery from his most popular song aside from Needle in the Hay. Did you know that Miss Misery can only be found on the Good Will Hunting Soundtrack. He wrote that song for that movie. Me and friend Johnny Walker Red. What a great line. I wish I drank Johnny Walker Red. I drink Janis Joplin's favorite drink. SO CO.
I've been riding my bike lately and loving it, because since I've been going down on my Methadone its making it super easy for me to cum, and the bike seat makes me cum after a half mile. I keep cumming over and over until I have to get off the bike because my clit becomes so sensitive. After the first three times I cum though, when I cum its shorter than before. Plus I miss penetration. I do need a dildo. I used to have on that discreet one that I kept in my purse. It was a vibrator actually, and it came with me everywhere I went. I have to get another one of those. The sex shop in Green Bay moved. It used to be on Main St. and it moved to I think Broadway somewhere. I know every inch of Broadway, and there is a dirty video store that I've never been in, but I don't think they sell dills, and other sex toys. I think its all vids, books, and peep shows. When I was in high school the porn shop on Main St. in Green Bay used to sell Whip its, and I would skip school with my cousins ID that said I was 22, and I would go down to the Owl I think that's what it was called, and I'd buy 5 or 6 whip its. One time I got in the car and I started the car up and put it in reverse and put my foot on the brake, and then inhaled the balloon and my foot came unglued from the brake and glued to the gas. Thank God there was only about fifteen feet between where I was parked and a bunch of railroad ties, or I would have demolished my parents car. I was really stupid when I was 16. I would do whip its driving down the highway going home from Green Bay. Its not even a good high. It last only a few seconds. It really was just a reason not to go to school. To hang out in a porno shop, and do drugs. I was taking Somas at the time, but nobody knew about that, people thought the only drug I used were whip its. I only did whip its every few weeks. Some of my classmates would go down there everyday. They would rent one of the rooms where you can watch a porno for a half hour and jack it, and do whip its, or you can fuck if you bring in someone else. Be it man and women, woman and women, man and man. That placed got busted for the whip its I think before I graduated or right after in early 2000's. God was I so fucking stupid. I should have been in school learning instead I was wasting four bucks on a balloon filled with NOS. I was even so stupid that I went there alone sometimes. I could have been raped by those guy in those rooms whackin it to those pornos. I was prime pussy at 16. Only been tapped a couple of times. I had just started dating my high school sweetheart at 15. He never knew about those whip its until I broke up with him. He herd rumours, but I just dismissed them.
Today I went to Cellcom and traded my htc phone in for a real Blackberry curve. It doesn't have a track ball, it has something better, it has a sensor pad, so all I have to do is use my finger on the touch pad and the cursor moves and click it when I want to click the cursor. I like the Blackberry much better. Both my emails work on the black berry, and I can use the Internet a lot easier. I couldn't use google on the htc phone. The htc had Windows so it could get viruses, and it was more complicated to use. For instance the phone didn't come with a manual because the manual you had to download from the Internet. So you had to figure out how to get on the Internet from the phone. Which was easy to figure out, but still some people are complete idiots and might not be able to find the Internet.
By the way, if I ever get a Tribal tattoo or a tattoo of barbwire around any round part of my body or a tramp stamp put a bullet in my head and paint the walls with my blood. I was watching the suicide girls soft core porn last night, and they had the best tattoos. This one girl had a the colors of the rainbow tattooed in long thick stripes the length of her upper back. The coloring was sooooo good. Another girl had almost her whole back done like a cheetah. If I were to get a big tattoo, I would get a mermaid underwater scene with a lot of blues and greens, and aquamarines, and turquoise, and the mermaid would have bright red hair, I'd do either a quarter sleeve or a half sleeve. The coloring would have to be the best. I've only seen one tattoo in Wisconsin that I liked the coloring of, and the guy got it done in Florida. I've seen some good ones in Hawaii, but they costed thousands of dollars. What I need to do is befriend a really good tattoo artist who knows how to use colors. Plus to keep it looking good I would have to get the coloring re done every so many years. So I need to keep this friend for a really long time.
My dad left for the bar at around noon today. He drives all the way down to Green Bay and then drives all the way back up here after drinking. So after loosing a daughter to drinking and driving he still drinks and drives. I did it one time since my sister died, and I blogged about it on here. That time I was on my way over to "that guys" house. I drank a Sparks, and the whole time I did it I felt like God was going to strike me down right then and there with lightning. So I slammed it, then littered and threw it out the window so I there was no evidence that I did it in there with me. Some people think the five Clonazepam was bad, but I have a high tolerance to Clonazepam. I take them like candy...sometimes. I have stopped taking them at 10 to 15 a day, and am down to 1 at night again. I could be going through withdrawals from those again. I put myself in out of withdrawals from those things so often, I'm surprised I haven't died yet. Benzo's and Alcohol are the only drugs you die from withdrawing from. I think the reason I haven't died is because I still get one at night, I'm not totally cut off. I used to get really sick when I was super hooked in Hawaii and it was actually Xanax and Valium that I was using. I would run out of money and not be able to re up for a few days and I'd get benzo sick and it would be just as bad as junk sick. Not wanting to move, sweating, running hot then cold, shaking, not able to sleep, bad mood, etc..., then I would go run around looking for Clonazepam which back then I'd only take to make me feel better. Now I do the opposite. I do miss Hawaii, but I'm afraid I'll get myself into trouble when I go back this winter. I guess it depends on how the Suboxone works, and my state of mind. I need a lot of therapy in between now and then. Is that how you would say it? You know what I'm mean right?
I gotta go. Even though I'm not taking extra Clonnies, and I'm only at 70mgs of Methadone I keep nodding out. I have to roll a pack of cigarettes, after I spell check this stupid blog. This blog is all over the place. Jumps from subject to subject with no segway. I no longer take time in putting together a blog. I just sit and write down what I thinking. I stop smoke a few smokes, come back, new subject, stop, smoke, new subject, repeat, repeat, stop.