Friday, August 6, 2010

Douched with Windex

Last night I had a very strange experience. I think its due to change in dosage of all my medications including but not limited to the Methadone. I was sitting on my bed watching a movie, one leg on the bed one leg off the bed. One hand on the bed with a pack of cigarettes in it, and one hand going to grab the lighter. I had just taken my night meds about 20 minutes earlier. The next thing I remember is my mom walking out and saying, "Anna, are you fucking shooting up in there? Why are there cigarettes lying all over your bed? Look at what you did to your new cell phone. What the fuck is going on Anna? DEAN! COME LOOK AT YOUR DAUGHTER I THINK SHE'S SHOOTING UP IN HERE!" I look at the clock, and its three hours later, and I'm in the same position I was in, but there are about fiver cigarettes strewn about my bed, one I had smoked and layed right on top of my new blackberry that I got that day and burned two keys and the key pad. The lighter was in a different place was I still reaching for it in the same place. I had obviously used it though. I blacked out for three hours, I don't think it was a nod. I usually know what I'm doing somewhat on a nod. I wake up every now and again on a nod. I didn't do any Clonazepam yesterday except the one that I took in my night time meds.

My dad came storming in my room, and I didn't have a good explanation as to why this was happening, and knew even if I did they wouldn't believe me. So what I did was I took all my Clonazepam out of night meds and handed them over to my mom. I said, "here, I don't know what happened. I blacked out and I'm freaked out too. I don't want it to happen again, so take my Clonazepam. From now on only give them to me when I ask for one. Still my parents searched my room for syringes, and drugs. I didn't have anything. I gave my mom my cigarettes too, so I wouldn't kill us buy burning down the house. Finally they went back to bed. I was wide awake again, not that I could tell that I had ever gone to sleep. So I went and got a bottle of water. I sat down on my bed again and was watching something, not very closely and I did it again, this time I spilled my water all over myself and that woke me up out of it. I was only out that time for about 20 minutes. So I quickly layed down, so this time I would be laying down when I blacked out and then it would be considered sleeping. If I got up and did something it would be sleep walking.

I'm so pissed that I burnt my cell phone. So pissed that I had to give up my Clonazepam. I wonder what medication is making me black out? I swear ever since I started going down on my Methadone I've been getting high off of it. It almost as if its having a reverse effect on me. I'll take in the morning, and by the time I get half way home, I'll be seeing double and have to blink really hard three or four times to see straight. Then I'll fall out for a second or two and swerve into the other lane wake up and not be able to tell where I am. When my Methadone kicks in, its kicking in hard. Today I called My Dr. and told him about all this, and he said he doesn't have me on any medications aside from the Clonazepam that would interact with the Methadone, and I'm not even taking the Clonazepam as much as its prescribed right now, so he isn't sure what it is that's happening. Fuck if I were taking Clonazepam like candy right now I'd probably OD, or get so high it wouldn't even be fun because I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. I just be out of it...helpless. Even sitting here writing this blog I'm getting double vision, before this I was rolling cigarettes, and nodding out. Still no euphoria. So its all pointless. Well, I'm numb, not and emotional pin cushion. So I guess its not pointless. .

On my new Blackberry my yahoo email comes straight to my phone, so now all my comments from my blog come right to my phone. I just got one about how I'm physco bitch. Which I totally agree with. I think these people try to hurt my feelings, but they don't understand I'm the one who made the observation while it was happening. I could always take those posts down, and make sure that Jess never reads them, but in my opinion that would be tantamount to lying about who I really am to him. He refuses to read them. Maybe he's lied and has read them all. I don't know. I'm pretty sure he didn't read that one that was all about him when he didn't text me, but only because he was with his friends for the day. If he had read that he would have run, run, run, run. I always have Sarcastic Bastard though, shes the best. Always there for me, making sure that my feelings don't get hurt too badly. I love you SB! Gleds used to be a regular out there, but he's started his masterpiece finally and hasn't had time to pop by any blogs as of late. At least not mine. Still Sarcastic Bastard, who would think with such a name that she wouldn't be such a sweet, loving, caring, terrific person. You are love SB!!!

I haven't taken my sex bike ride yet today. I have to get out there, I'm feeling the urge to go. My mom is wondering around, and I don't want her to ask to come along. Its a private bike ride that I need, so I can cum alone and enjoy it. If you don't know what I'm talking about see blog post: Douched with Bleach . My dad left for the bar again today. Fuck he's turning into an alcoholic. Look up family with addiction problems in encyclopedia and you will see my family. Pathetic. At least he doesn't sit at home and get wasted all by himself and then get abusive. That would really suck. No he goes out and likes to pretend he's rich, and hit on chicks younger than me, and then he comes home eats pickles and goes straight to bed.

I'm done with my period. I don't leak very long. Before this period I hadn't had my period in like three or four months. It was because of the Methadone. Its stops the flow. Then right away as soon as they start taking me down my period comes back. Never trust something that bleeds for seven days straight and doesn't die. Well, I only bleed for, four days straight, so you can trust me.

Does anyone know what the drink is called that porn stars drink to make them cum more liquid? Have you ever herd of this? If your going to harp on me for asking this please don't comment. I already know what your going to say. If you do leave a shitty comment I will just delete it. So don't even bother. Only people who know, or who have good guesses please feel free to comment. I love comments, but sometimes I can predict certain comments when I write certain things. The you have no self respect comment gets really old. I can disagree over and over, but get the same comment keeps coming.

Aside from that, from now on my dad will be driving me to the clinic until I stop getting loaded off the Methadone. No more nodding out while driving and risking my life and the lives of others every morning. I won't be on Methadone much longer. To make things clear for the fight going on in my comments with Anonymous and SB, I don't want to get high. Sure sometimes I want to use, but I no longer want to be strung out. As for Jess, I am leaving him alone now. Notice I haven't brought him up until now. Sure I think about him, and yes some time obsessively, but today I've other things on my mind. I do agree I'm a crazy stalker at times, and yes I am a drug addict, who at the moment is high. Not because I want to be. Which is a strange fucked up feeling to have. I can't believe those words just came from my finger tips. I'm high right now and I don't want to be. There they are again. What a fucked up feeling for a junky to have. Seriously, I don't feel like myself. I feel out of control of my own body. It reminds me of my last suicide attempt, and I had no control over my muscles. I was scared I would stay that way for the rest of my life. Maybe that attempt totally got me off all opiates. No I liked it when I got high on Heroin last month, this is a different high. Its like a mixed wrong meds high. Pharmaceutical high. I lied, I do miss Heroin high, the Methadone is just masking it. God I hope the Suboxone works just as well. So whom ever anonymous is bashing SB, you don't know her very well, and its not people like her keeping me down. Its myself. Only I can have the power to change the direction of my life.


elizabeth said...

Please give your last sentence a try. Hugs.

Brother Frankie said...

he comes home eats pickles and goes straight to bed.

i wish thats all i did when i was drinking. praise god for sobriety,,

anna, you are loved
brother frankie

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I still don't like people who are hateful and mean just because they can be. And I love you and think you have worth.

But you are right in that only you can change things.

I'm glad your dad is driving you to the clinic. I worry.

You are loved, Anna Grace.

Anna Grace said...

I will. I want to stay clean. I want to change my life. Only I can do it.

Anna Grace said...

Brother Frankie,
Yup, thats all my pops does.

Frankie, you are loved.

Anna Grace

Anna Grace said...

Sarcastic Bastard,

I love you no matter what. You've always been there for me. You are the best ever. If anyone attacks you, I'm on your side no matter what. Even if your totally wrong. Which you never are btw! xoxox
Anna Grace

Sarcastic Bastard said...

And I love you! And I never think your writing is boring. I think you have lots of potential, kid, and I think you are a great writer.