Monday, August 30, 2010

Drink up babe, look at the stars, I kiss you again between the bars

My fears were founded. Jess did break up with me. He used the guise of, "I want to get all my family stuff straightened out before I have you over again. That's all" That is after I texted his ass to death, and then threatened to call him at work, then did call him at work, but he was busy at work with a customer, so I said I didn't want to hold for him and hung up. That's about the time he finally texted me to tell me in his backwards way that he was breaking up with me.

Whats wrong with his family you ask. Well, his younger brother we'll call Bill who I know better than I know Jess, who I went to the Methadone clinic with has relapsed. Bill and his girlfriend have been off the Methadone for about a month now. Bill's girlfriend who I'll call Cindy found out her brother died on Wednesday afternoon, when I was over at there house with Jess. After Cindy left it was like Bill was a loaded gun waiting to go off. He called his friend from work to come over, he went some place picked up some Valium aside from the Valium I gave him, and an Oxy which is the big relapse pill. Its the pill he and Cindy were addicted to, the pill that they stole, lied, pawned, went to jail for. Then later after Cindy left and after I did the pill with Bill and his friend, Bill's friend brings over two hot 19 year olds. If I was a guy I would have fucked them. Jess and I were sitting in the room with these two hot chicks. Bill and his friend left when the hot chicks left, it was as if after Cindy was out of sight she was out of mind.

Now Jess, hasn't herd from Bill in three days last I herd. He knows he's still alive and not in jail because he saw his check stub on end table. As of Friday at least, he was okay, and had stopped in at home. I don't know how Jess plans on sorting things out. Getting all this back in order. What if Cindy decides to leave Bill? God forbid. Bill needs Cindy to stay afloat. He should be able to stay afloat by himself, but he's not able to right now. As far as I can tell.

How this cuts into what Jess and I were doing I don't know. I think Jess also blames me for giving Bill and Cindy Valium, and Clonazepam. I blame myself for giving them those pills. Perhaps Cindy asked Bill to get her some Oxy's because she needed to not feel anything. Most people relapse when something big like the loss of a loved one happens unexpectedly. Early in the day when Cindy had to give up her cats she asked for a Valium and told me she still hasn't found a way to deal with problems without using some kind of mind altering substance to deal with it. When a such a big loss as a older brother who is only thirty four dies suddenly she might want to go back to the drug of her choice. Which I can see happening. If that's what happened, then I regret telling Jess about the Oxy, Bill, his friend, and I snorted. It was only a 5 or 10 mg pill. I didn't feel a thing from it, and the only reason I did any of it was so that Bill didn't get high off the pill. There fore he didn't relapse. 5mgs split between three people is nearly nothing. If Cindy asked him to get them some for her to get some emotional relief it was not my place to tell Jess anything. Then there wouldn't be this big rift in the family. Then it would just be Jess breaking up with me. Then he couldn't use some lame excuse. Blame me for giving them Benzo's. Not even the drug they were addicted to.

This means no more sex for me. I think that's the biggest thing I'll miss. I didn't even get to do reverse cowgirl. The last BJ I gave Jess I left teeth marks on his cock. What a horrible blow job giver. I think the fact that we had sex in Bill and Cindy's bed was a curse. We should have just went back to Jess' room and went to sleep. I was so drunk, I couldn't even get wet that night. The past two times I've gone over there I've gotten too drunk.

Now I'm super bored all day, I miss texting Jess during the day. I deleted his number out of my phone. I didn't have it memorized, so I can't text him like an obsessive crazy person. Unfortunately I have his email memorized, (so you can email him and tell him he should have just broke up with me instead of leaving it open ended hurting me even more. Don't be mean, and don't bombard him with emails)but I emailed him this morning my last email. Promised him this would be the last email from me.

Now that we are broken up, I don't know what to do with the bday gift I got for him in late July thinking his bday was 8/9, but it is 9/9. So we won't be together for his birthday. I'll be in our new apartment for just a week and a few days when its his bday. Our TV doesn't get turned on until 9/8. So we have 8 days without any TV. There is a lounge in the building with a TV, so I can watch Big Brother, but I'll miss True Blood because they don't have HBO in the lounge. Also for Internet I have to go down to lounge to use Wi Fi to blog everyday.

Now that Jess is out of the Picture, I can work on my book, and hopefully that things that I can't talk about because I don't want to jinks it happens. I have to do a shit load of writing. I'll have to put myself on a schedule like I did with I Hate Myself and Want to Die, Write 8 hours a day. I'm a night time writer when it comes to books. I used to be when it comes to blogging. My blogs where better when I blogged at night. I blog during the day now because I have nothing to do during the day, no day time TV, and my Adderal kicks in during the day too. Oh yes, my doctor switched me from Ritalin to Adderal. I'm not sure why. I think it had something to do with my insurance. But as soon as I get off that damned Methadone, so hopefully the pounds melt away with all the weight loss medication I'm on. I'm not gonna put money on my weight loss. I thought I would loose weight as soon as I started Ritalin, but all I lost was 10 pounds so far. I gained 5 pounds back when I went on Clonazepam binge.Those Clonazepam and Methadone really cause me to eat sugary foods and then sleep right after.

I keep crying on and off about Jess. Then I cry about "Bob and Cindy". I've been getting out of the house with my parents as much as I can. I pack with my free time, even though we are paying the Two men and truck to pack for us. I've already packed up my bathroom supplies, my art supplies, my writing supplies, my old journals, my dildos(that I got with Jess), I took down my Kurt Cobain wall. I'm going to have the movers pack my clothes, and my closet because its a mess. I made sure to tape the remote controls to the TV's and the DVD players.

So this is what its like to be fat and get broken up with. Fucken Methadone. I'd rather be a skinny junky who dates other junkys who likes the same music as I do, and am still skinny, and I break it off with them. I thought this Methadone was a life saver, instead it ended up to be a ass bloater, and gut bloater, double chin maker, guy repellent, self hater maker, no emotional relief from a substance when I need it like right now. All I have is Clonazepam and its just going to put me to sleep, then I wake up and check my phone for text and there is none and feel worse.

I've gotta go cry now, about a guy who just used me for sex. What a lame fucking retard fat ass I am. I'm physco that's why he broke it off. I gave the people he loves pills that why he broke it off.

I don't know if I'm more bothered by the fact that Jess broke up with me, or the fact that his brother may be on relapse binge, and that his brother's girlfriend just lost her brother. My heart is broken that Jess broke up with me. The fact that he couldn't even break up with me all the way, he just said he doesn't want me to come over until all the stuff in his family gets straightened out. Then why can't you text me at all? Why couldn't you tell me what you did the other night? I know he fucked someone else? He just doesn't want to admit it to me.


Anonymous said...

he break up with you
cause you act like a fuckin stalker
stop spamming him with all those texts!
anyway.. he is kind of "loco" so I guess he'll come back to you, so dont worry.

Anonymous said...

He didn't break up with you. You were never really "going" together.

You were having SEX together. That's all.

I'm not trying to be mean, but really, you are dilutional. My personal opinion, but you are as addicted to the drama as you are to the opiates.

You are a beautiful woman, overweight or skinny, and it does appear you DO have some goals for yourself, but you keep sabotaging yourself to be all involved with the drama of those around you.

I wish you the best. Take care of YOU, Anna.


Anonymous said...

You are out of touch with reality. Don't make yourself the victim when your life is a downward spiral in full force. You made his brother relapse, and won't stop until you drag everyone down with you. The least you can do is go down alone, with the weight of your own choices, and not suck everyone into your misery.

Anna Grace said...

Anonymous #1,
He probably did break up with me because of my obsessive texting, and the fact that I told him I loved him when I had only seen him two or three times, aside from the times I seen him when I was with my ex. I lost control of this fuckship right away when I realized I liked him more than I ever liked any guy I've ever been with.
If he does come back to me I can't take him back, because I'm too embarrassed of how I acted, when he broke it off with me, and wouldn't text me back. I did spam him with texts. Even though I really want to take him back if he would want to get back together I couldn't. I would just be friends with him, no sex involved.

Anna Grace said...

Anonymous #2,
Your right we never were in a relationship, we were in a fuckship. So we didn't break up, we broke it off.

I just really liked him. He was the perfect guy, the type of guy I always wanted to date. So I was dilutional in thinking he liked me back.

I do have goals for myself. I will reach those goals if I have beg borrow or steal. Before that guy I wasn't addicted to drama, just opiates. Now I'm getting off the Methadone and going on Suboxone in 8 weeks. With Jess I felt like I didn't need the drugs. He was my drug. Not a good thing. But at the begining of fuckship all those endorphines and hormones were raging producing euphoric feelings that mimicied getting high.

Now I'm withdrawling from that guy. Which sucks, but not as bad as withdrawling from Heroin. Thank God.

Thanks for the best wishes. You take care too J.W.
Anna Grace