Tuesday, August 31, 2010

fuckship not a relationship

I want to make something clear. That guy and I were not in a relationship, we were in a fuckship. I wanted to be in a relationship, but he didn't want to be. First clue you idiot Anna. I did create drama where there was none. I acted like I've never acted before in a boy girl partnering. Normally I'm the cool, calm, and collected one. I don't call him back, I don't text him back. I'm too busy to do stuff with him, but this time I was always right there when a text came through and it was from him to text him right back. I was shy around him, to scared to speak around him. To say what was on my mind. I never asked him any question like I did with every other guy I ever fucked. That guy through me for a total loop. I think its because he was the first person (aside from Pete and Corey who both used opiates and knew what it was like)while I was on Methadone. That guy just has no idea what its like to be an ex junky. He's living in a totally different world than I am. A world that I wanted to re join in the worst way. The world of the living, a world where everyone feels emotions and doesn't need a chemical to dull those emotions when they get too be overwhelming.

I've only seen that guy a total of probably 5 times. We fucked on average 2.5 times so we fucked a totally of 15 times. I hardly know this guy. I just saw in him every attribute I like in a guy. Except for the fact that he could use me for someone to fuck for right after he and his wife split up.

Enough about that guy. Tomorrow we move. Two men and truck are coming, they are packing for us also. I packed some stuff. The important stuff. Writing, art, journals, and bathroom stuff. Today I'm cleaning out my closet which has a bunch of my uncle David stuff in it, plus a bunch of my stuff. So it would be hard to the two men and truck guys to pack my closet because of that stuff. I'm so excited to move. I'm excited to not have a T. V. for eight days. I'll get so much done. Yesterday I just bought a print of a painting. I forget the painters name. It starts with K, and he's an abstract artist. I'll look him up and edit this post when I'm done with his name. It was only 26 dollars for the print. If I were to buy it framed it would be 125.00 dollars, but if I got to Michales I can find a frame for forty dollars. Its a large print, its a 20"by 20" painting print. Then I have my paintings. I'm not hanging all my paintings in my room. Some will go in my bathroom. I'm gonna hang my poppy painting, my Jewish Anna, and my No more junky whore shooting Heroin painting in my room. I don't have photos of those paintings up on my blog. Then I have this huge canvas that I can paint when we don't have T.V. The first week there. I can paint on our terrace overlooking...a parking lot! We didn't get an apartment on the river side of the condos and apartments because that side the rent is up to 3 grand a month.

My mom started having me roll her cigarettes. Since we can't smoke in our apartment or on our terrace we will cut down on smoking a lot. Every time I want a cigarette I will take Eleanor outside for a walk, she will get a lot of walks at first because all three of us will be going outside by the river to smoke.
"I live in a van down by the river". You know what that's from? If you know comment on it. You know who I miss? Gledwood. He hasn't been around in ages. He's working on his masterpiece. I wish him the best of luck on getting published. I wonder if he's writing it in English or German? I wonder if he writes in both and sends it out to publishes in both countries. That way you have a better chance of getting published. I sent I Hate Myself and Want to Die out to publishers in both America and London. Some publishing houses have offices in both New York and London.

Right now I'm eating Vitamin gummie bears like they are just regular gummie bears. They are actually Omega 3, DHA, Vitamin D3 Gummies. Not the multi Vitamin. I take a prenatal vitamin every morning with my morning physc pills to keep my hair, skin, and nails looking good. Plus it has Folic Acid in it so in case I get knocked up accidental the baby would be healthy. God forbid that I get knocked up anytime soon. I'm still taking the pill even though my doctor told me there is an 80 to 85% chance it won't work because I'm on Topamax to stabilize my moods. I still take it because there is a 15 to 20% chance that it would keep me from getting knocked up, and it keeps my skin from breaking out. Plus from now on my periods will be on the same day ever month, and it will be really light, and last only three days. It only lasted three days last time, but it wasn't light. I know you all needed to know this, and that is why I am telling you all about it.

So back to that guy. I know, your probably like ugh, enough already. Today I haven't emailed or texted him and I won't. Even though I'm heart broken, and wish I could take back being a crazy physco so if he did want to get back together I could say yes, but now I can't because I acted like a crazed elephant who went on a rampage because he wanted to fix his family life and dump me until his family is stable. So when his family life is stable and if she texts me again if I hadn't went on and Elephant rampage. Still I'd be with a guy who doesn't really like me and that is just stupid. Someone else will come along. If he wanted to get to back together he'd have to prove to me that he likes me, and that he wants to be in a relationship. This time I'd really make him jump through hoops. Its not going to happen except for in my dreams.

Both he and I blame me for his brother's relapse. I should have never given two just off of Methadone people Valium and Clonazepam and snorted it with them. I swear I didn't mean to bring them down with me. I just figured they were not addicted to benzos ever, they were only addicted to opiates. I was addicted to benzos. I could do 10 Clonazepam and not feel out of it. I'd only give his brother and his girlfriend four pills. Two each. I should have never done that. Now that summer is almost over, my summer fling is over. I'm done talking about it, writing about it whatever. Sorry this post is lame. Nothing is new.

Even though we are no longer in a fuckship, I'm not taking the picture of his cock off my journals back cover. Hell no, that was some amazing cock. I'm keeping that photo on that journal and the ones in the journal.


Anonymous said...

Shit happens, don't kick yourself too much, It's not like you put a gun to their head.
How far does that guy live from the new place?

You should "embrace" the move, and learn from the mistakes you've made with this guy. No pissing in peoples beds either. I thought he really did like you because he didn't care.

P.s: chris farley?

Brother Frankie said...

"No pissing in peoples beds either"=

now that is some dang good advice if i ever heard any..

sounds like sh*t SB says..

Praying for your move Miss Grace..


Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

hell yeah on quoting chris farley/matt foley in SNL!!!! so so fucking pissed when he died; he was partying in this club in chi-town that we always go to that night, but we weren't there. i mean, not like i was gonna save his life, but ... it's weird ya know.