Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Hyper aware of you.

This morning the clouds were on the ground. When I woke up and looked out the window I couldn't see a foot in front of me. Last night I took my Clonazepam and I didn't blackout. I think my body is getting used to my medication increaseage. So I slept good last night, and woke up refreshed this morning. I want to tell my mom to put my Clonazepam back in my night pills, but she was so happy when I said I'd stop taking them at night. I hate to disappoint my parents again and again. They are so happy that I got kicked out of the Methadone clinic. That should tied them over a while.I'll just ask for a Clonazepam everyday and save them for night time. Even though my mom puts up a shit fit every time I ask for a Clonnie,but she always gives me one.

I woke up inside a cloud. I got dressed inside a cloud. I drove to the clinic inside a cloud. On my way there I stuck my hand out the window and felt the wetness of the cloud on my hand. I listened to the radio, and smoked cigarettes like they were going out of style. I looked at the other drivers as they passed me by, I could barely see them the fog was so thick. I was going 60 in a 65 because I couldn't see tail lights ten feet in front of me. If someone where to break in front of me I would be fucked. There would be a pile up. I left too early, if I would have left at 8am the fog would have lifted some, but I left at 7am and the fog was still a thick blanket. Fog is like my depression, its thick and you can't find your way out. You can't see your way out. Up, down, side to side, you have no idea which is which after a while if you floating around. No matter how far you run you always seem to be in the same place. If you stick you hand out it gets wet.

I get to the clinic inside a cloud, and there is a few people in there, I go up to the window to let the nurses know I'm there. I have my Elliott is missed t-shit on, with its cigarette burns in it. I have to wait a few minutes before I can dose because both the people at the windows before have to get UAs. This one guy sitting down figures out that the Elliott my shirt is referring to is Elliott Smith. He too is a fan. He wants to talk to me about Elliott, but both councilors are out in the waiting area, and there is no way I can talk. If I talk they won't even let me tapper down, they will just kick me out. So I just nod my head, and smile at this guy. He probably thinks I don't even know what my shirt means. Oh well, I'd rather him think that, then get kicked out and not tapper my dose at the clinic. I think he figured out I wasn't allowed to talk when I got to go in front of everyone after the two people at the window got done peeing into a cup. Which reminds me. I've never had a supervised UA in my four years at both Ku Aloha Ala Mau or QAM. I've had them in front of my PO and in front of my Physc. Doctor to make sure I was taking all my prescribed medications. I've never cheated on a UA either. I've thought about it a lot, but never did it. I've even bought clean pee before, but never used it. I dosed inside a cloud, and took my pills inside a cloud.

I walked back out to the jeep, and drove home by myself alone. On Thursday I have to start going down 5mgs a week again. Every Thursday I go down 5mgs. So on Thursday I'll be at 65mgs. Today on my way home I didn't get double vision. I didn't nod out. My body is getting used to its new dosage of medications. Too bad every week its going to have to get used to a 5mg drop in Methadone. I wonder what my brain chemistry is doing? I know that being a junky changes you brain chemistry forever. Your opiate receptors are never the same. Your neurons, and synapses are rewired forever. All because you got hooked on junk. Beautiful Heroin.

I miss your smell, I miss your taste, I miss your touch, I miss your kisses, I miss you. Your my favorite arm kandy. Your so beautiful. You hurt my feelings, you've ruined my life, I've nothing to show except some scares. You've turned me into a ruthless bitch, cunt, douche bag. You make me hate myself and want to die, until I put you in my body and feel nothing. Everything can be going all wrong until you come along one breath and everything is okay again. At least for a few hours or so. I don't care how you came along. I don't care how you go away. Just as long as when I wake up I'm not sick and you gone forever. I'll always think of you from time to time. Always think back and lust after your kisses. Then I'll remember that I live my life in ruin for you. Your not worth it. I'd rather be straight...I think. I'm sure right now. Your lust is powerful and the attraction I have to you runs deep. Your the scar I want to keep.

Tonight I'm going over to "that guys" house. He took the day off work. I'll spend the night tonight, and tomorrow I have to drive up from Oshkosh to Green Bay to get my Methadone. Its been almost two weeks since I've seen him, and almost two weeks since I've gotten laid. I'm very excited to FUCK! I have to wait for my parents to get back with the car. They went to Appleton today to go shopping. I stayed home because I wanted to blog and then clean my room and get ready to go to Oshkosh. Unfortunately I can't straighten my hair today. I like it straight when I go to Oshkosh for sex. It just makes it easier. Today Its super hot outside too. Just sitting inside here in the air conditioning I'm sweating. I can't imagine fucking in his hot ass room. I have to take a shower soon. It will be a cold shower. I feel so bad for my baby Eleanor. She has all that fur on these hot days. That's probably why she lays on her bed right in front of the air conditioner. When she gets really hot she rolls on her back and spreads her legs and lets her belly get all the cool air.

So on Thursday I'll tell you all about the sex if I feel like it. I've noticed I'm getting bored writing about the sex. Not having the sex, but telling everyone about it. I don't mind telling you about one of the time we had sex, but every time we had sex gets to be a little much. Every blow job, every time he eats me out, every time he cums, every time I cum, if he cums on my tits, etc...

I think I'm becoming lazier and lazier about writing. I'm not pushing myself at anymore. You know what it is? I'm not reading as much as I usually do. I still read, but no like I should. I'm rotting my brain with TV. I have no idea how to start out a good idea. How to wax literal? My brain is starving for more books. I need to stop reading all these biography's and start reading more fiction. I've been reading a lot of books over again. I need to stop that too. I have a nook, I can download any book I want. I should take advantage of that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to read something I've never heard of before. Expand my horizons. Maybe then my blogs will be a little more inspired. Maybe after this fucking heat wave is done I will feel the muse strike and blog and write and journal until my fingers bleed. Until then, I apologize. I'm so sorry for this blog. I've really let it go. I'm ashamed.


BMelonsLemonade said...

I like this post. It is poetic...there are many shining gems in here. I love it, actually.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I stopped reading for the most part, too, Anna. I am just too brain-tired by the time I get off work. I watch lots of mindless reality TV instead.

My brain is turning in to oatmeal. Oh well. Fuck it.



Crazy Charlie aka: Giligan stranded on some island* said...

Your not really missing Heron. You using euphoric recall to remember. Heron useing is a tragic lifestyle with all it's ups & downs.Do you miss being dope-sick, broke, suicidal, & cast out? I 4got who Im writing 2(a suicidal anti-socialite).

should get
"Reality is for people who can't deal with HERON!"

Anna Grace said...

Wow, this post? I just pounded out this post. No thought went into it. I really think it sucks ass. I'm glad that you like it. Makes me feel better about my writting. I swear to you, if I try I can do a lot better than what I have been doing. I just don't try very often. Almost never. When I try, I can write some stuff that rivals Heroinhead. I can't belive that I just said that about myself. I mean I suck at writing, but every now and again I'll amaze myself and write something beautiful that Heroinhead could have writen. Self complement. Don't hear them very often from me. Mark it on the calander. It might be the only one I've ever writen. Maybe I never write as good as Heroinhead, it could be all just in my head. I suck at writing.
Anna Grace

Anna Grace said...

Sarcastic Basatard,
I love Big Brother. Do you watch this show? I watch every episode plus Big brother after dark on Showtime 2, and the live feeds on the internet. I'm obsessed. I missed one on Wednesday because I was with that guy, so I had my mom DVR it for me. We DVR every BB After Dark at night so we can watch every morning. The whole family is obsessed with it. I love reality TV. That is why my writing is becoming horrid. Wait it always was horrid, but even more so now.

Anna Grace said...

Miss you. Glad you didn't comment Anonymously. Yes, you deserve a gold medal. Thanks for being my connection when I need one in Hawaii. Thanks for being a great friend. I really, really miss you. I love your comment. Your a funny guy, and right on.
Anna Grace

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna Dear,
I have only ever watched Celebrity Big Brother U.K. with Pete Burns, who I adore, on Youtube. I don't watch the American version. It puts me to sleep.