What a fucking boning Saturday. I have no plans for tonight. I'll be sitting at home doing nothing while the world around me goes out and has fun. Socializes. I could call Meghan, but she probably already has plans. She would invite me along, but I would feel like I was intruding. I have no idea what that guy is doing, I have my period anyway, and I'm no good to him if I have my period. He only wants me for sex. This is the longest period I've had in long time. This stupid birth control is suppose to make your periods lighter and shorter, but nope its only made mine lighter. Before my periods only lasted at most four days. Usually three days. Today is the three day mark and its still coming. Normally it would be ending. Fucker!! At this rate I'll never get laid again.
I wish I could see that guy even though I have my period. I really does suck liking someone more than they like you. Just because I used him for sex at first doesn't mean I'm still just using him for sex. I'm not good at showing affection. I need to practice showing him more affection. There is lots of times I want to kiss him, but I don't because I'm afraid he will push me off. An irrational fear probably, but a fear non the less. From now on I'm going to kiss him more, and hold his hand.
I'm lonely. My dad is at the bar, my mom is sleeping, Eleanor is sleeping with her. I've been journaling, and putting photos of that guys cock in my journal. One on the back cover of one of the journals. All of them laminated by the laminating machine. I love laminating things. So that guys cock is will always be remembered in my summer to fall 2010 journal.
I just realized that today is the first time I told that guy that my sister died. He doesn't know that she died in 2003 while drinking and driving. He doesn't know that Pete and I were suppose to be with her, but we went up to Michigan where my parents were living to get my dad Oxycontin, and that I feel like its my fault that she died. Not like he would care.
Fuck, I'm going to the bar tonight. This is bullshit. I'm not sitting in the house watching nothing on TV. I don't care that I have to go by myself. I always know someone in the West. Maybe someone will have some coke. Or something good. Aside from weed.