Saturday, August 21, 2010

I hate myself and want to die some more

What a fucking boning Saturday. I have no plans for tonight. I'll be sitting at home doing nothing while the world around me goes out and has fun. Socializes. I could call Meghan, but she probably already has plans. She would invite me along, but I would feel like I was intruding. I have no idea what that guy is doing, I have my period anyway, and I'm no good to him if I have my period. He only wants me for sex. This is the longest period I've had in long time. This stupid birth control is suppose to make your periods lighter and shorter, but nope its only made mine lighter. Before my periods only lasted at most four days. Usually three days. Today is the three day mark and its still coming. Normally it would be ending. Fucker!! At this rate I'll never get laid again.

I wish I could see that guy even though I have my period. I really does suck liking someone more than they like you. Just because I used him for sex at first doesn't mean I'm still just using him for sex. I'm not good at showing affection. I need to practice showing him more affection. There is lots of times I want to kiss him, but I don't because I'm afraid he will push me off. An irrational fear probably, but a fear non the less. From now on I'm going to kiss him more, and hold his hand.

I'm lonely. My dad is at the bar, my mom is sleeping, Eleanor is sleeping with her. I've been journaling, and putting photos of that guys cock in my journal. One on the back cover of one of the journals. All of them laminated by the laminating machine. I love laminating things. So that guys cock is will always be remembered in my summer to fall 2010 journal.

I just realized that today is the first time I told that guy that my sister died. He doesn't know that she died in 2003 while drinking and driving. He doesn't know that Pete and I were suppose to be with her, but we went up to Michigan where my parents were living to get my dad Oxycontin, and that I feel like its my fault that she died. Not like he would care.

Fuck, I'm going to the bar tonight. This is bullshit. I'm not sitting in the house watching nothing on TV. I don't care that I have to go by myself. I always know someone in the West. Maybe someone will have some coke. Or something good. Aside from weed.

5 comments:

lulu said...

life is beautiful and too short
so enjoy everything u do!!

keep spirit =)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hope you had fun at the bar. Saturdays with nothing to do are the suck.

Love you,

SB

Anna Grace said...

Lulu,
Life is short I agree with that. Beautiul, depends on the eyes your looking through. The Planet is beautiful, people are beautiful even though I hate most of them. I try to enjoy everything I do. I enjoyed using Heroin, but because it has been systmaticly demonized I am not allowed to enjoy it or even use it. If it were legalized and not stigmatized I would enjoy life a lot more.

Unfourtantly Heroin and all other drugs have been systmatically demonized and stigmatized, and using drugs I cannot enjoy legally. When I do get a chance I do enjoy them. I then worry about who is going to find out, if I'm going to fall into a full blowen relapse.

So living my life without drugs most of the time is where I'm at, and I'm enjoying it, because as you said, life is too short.

Sorry this comment makes no sense. Its just a rant about how I wish drugs were legalized.

Anna Grace said...

SB,
I had fun at tha bar on Saturday. At first it sucked. Nobody was there, until around 10, when my ex's sister came in. She and I hung out and did some Adderal. Even though I have Ritalin, its a special form of Ritalin that is made for addicts that keeps you from getting high off it. But a few days ago my insurance sent a letter saying they wouldn't pay for that any longer, so now the doctor put my on Adderal. Twice daily 30 milligrams. Oh hell, I'll save it for my blog.

Anonymous said...

God bless.

"Be ye lamps unto yourselves,
be a refuge to yourselves.

Hold fast to Truth as a lamp;
hold fast to the Truth as a refuge.

Look not for a refuge in anyone beside yourselves.

And those, who shall be a lamp unto themselves,
shall betake themselves to no external refuge,

but holding fast to the Truth as their lamp,
and holding fast to the Truth as their refuge,
they shall reach the topmost height."