Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I wish I never gave out my number

First off why does it say I have no readers on my blog, but when I sign in it says I have 71 loyal readers? Is it just fucked up for the day? Well Join up now, and you can be the first all over again. Those lurkers of you who don't follow me, may as well start following me. No need to be embarrassed. Just say you like to read about this crazy bitches life. Then tell them to read it too, and so on and so forth. Then I'll ask everyone who reads my blog to pay a quarter. Maybe someday I might get rich. Just kidding.

Today is a big day for me. I started rolling my own cigarettes. I still have two packs of Camel Wide Blues left, but my dad brought me to the clinic this morning, and I thought today was Wed. On Wed. I have a Dr. appointment with the Doctor at the Methadone clinic to see how I'm doing weening off the Methadone. Making sure its not too fast or too slow. My dad had to go to the bank and Fed Ex to pay some big bill. I saw the money order and it was 3,000 dollars.

When we move into the apartments in Green Bay there is no smoking in the apartment or on the patio. Not our rules, the rules of the owner of the apartment. The people who own the condos can smoke in their condos but us lowly renters can't smoke. So I will have to go out to the river walk or the parking lot to smoke. I think I'll choose the river walk. So I won't be able to chain smoke any more, and since I started rolling my own cigarettes I will save lots of money. Who knows I might even be able to quite. When I went into the Doctor for birth control I also had him write me out a prescription to the patch. Fentynal Patch...I wish! No a nicotine patch. I have probably 90 of them here at home already, but I don't use them, but another 30 or 60 won't hurt. So If I decide to quite I might just get addicted to the patch. Like some people get addicted to the gum. Just what I need, another addiction.

As I said before, I thought today was Wed. and that I was suppose to go over to Jess' house. Last night I started get sick. A sore throat, a headache, feeling like I was going to faint when I stood up. No appetite at all. When I woke up this morning my throat hurt even more, and my head was pounding. I had a slight fever. I stood up and I saw stars. So I had to lay back down and had to get up slowly. The first thing I did when I got up was take some Advil. When it started to work I started to sweat a little. That always happens when I have a fever and it breaks. This is the first time I've been sick in three years. The Methadone has kept me from either getting sick or from feeling sick.

Today I'm still at 70 milligrams. They are taking me down 5 milligrams a week, and then 3 milligrams a week after I reach 30 milligrams. I'm not sure why they took me down so fast at first. They dropped me from 90 to 80, to 75 in a matter of days. None of which has thrown me into any kind of immediate withdrawals or anything. Its just that I'm now feeling sick. At 100 milligrams + of Methadone I never felt a lick of illness. Not junk sickness, not normal everyday immune system sickness.

I was thinking, I get HIV tested at the Methadone clinic every three months. When I leave there I don't think my Psychiatrist will test me for HIV every three months for free. I will have to go to my PCP and then I will only be able to be tested every 6 months to a year that my insurance will pay for. I know I haven't had a sex partner in 2 years before Jess, but it was only 1 year ago that I use Heroin intravenously. I haven't shared a needle since 2007. All my HIV test results have come back HIV non reactive which means HIV-. Thank God. Did you know at one time I wanted to have HIV. I didn't want to live, and I knew people with AIDS got good pain meds. My dealers had HIV, and they got 160, 8mg Dilauded a month. I thought that was the bees knees. At the time, drugs were better than sex, and I couldn't foresee a fut er where sex would ever again be better than a shot of Heroin. I'm glad I never got HIV. Sex is way too much fun to miss out on.

I just thought of something to ponder. What if I loose a bunch of weight, and feel really good about myself. Say Jess, and I are still together in this weird sex thing that we have. Say it never moves past that, and I somehow find a guy who really does love me for who I am. We don't start up a sexual relationship because I'm still fucking Jess.I still love Jess though, so I'm torn between Jess and "this guy". Jess and I still are not in a relationship, we are just exclusive sex partners and good friends. "This guy" wants to be Exclusive sex partners and wants to be in a relationship. I still only see Jess once a week because he lives so far away, and the fat is just falling off of me because I'm getting off the Methadone.
My only hold back is I have no idea how good "this guy" is in bed, and because Jess is really good in bed I don't really want to have sex with anyone else. Yet, in not having sex with anyone else I'm getting set up to be hurt again and again. With this other guy, I would have to break off the sex with Jess, and sleep with "this guy". Only to find out he's not nearly as good in bed as Jess was. Now was it worth getting hurt emotionally by Jess over and over, or will it be nice to have someone who loves me who I have to teach to have sex? Plus "this guy" is not as attractive, nor as funny, or smart as Jess. So I just settled for less in order to be loved, when I could get more physically, and mentally from Jess, just not emotionally.

I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarius's are suppose to be able to be detached emotionally. Especially if they have been hurt once. So if you believe in astrology it would be most likely that I would stay with Jess, who doesn't love me, but who satisfies every other need I have. Because I am supposedly able to make myself immune to the rejection that is doled out by Jess. With the other guy I would get fed up by his inability to satisfy me mentally and physically and his love would not make up for it. Flowers die in tow days, and are a pointless gift. Sure if I get flowers in the first few months of a relationship I'm excited, but that's only if I'm satisfied in every way.

I do believe in horoscopes somewhat, and I am a Aquarius, with Virgo Rising and Pisces in almost all my planets. In both my love planets Mercury and Venus. Which is probably why I'm an addict who likes the arts. Jess is a Virgo, Aquarius and Virgo don't get along very well at all. Virgo is down to earth, and Aquarius is more in their heads. Not saying smarter. I'm not smarter than Jess by any means, but I don't talk near as much as he does. I wish I had that gift. I would have al ot more friends than I do. I think a lot more than about everything from whats this person thinking, to why is this person saying that, to how long is that grass? I have lots of questions. If I could I would just sit and question everyone for hours and hours on end. Pete hated it when I asked him questions. I never sat down and asked Jess a bunch of questions. OH how I wish I could. I'm afraid the questions I have he'd get mad at me for asking.

This is getting disgusting. I hate Jess. I'm sick because of him. All I do is write about him on this damn fucking blog. I hate liking someone. I wish I could go back to that day when I gave my phone number to Natalie and Rory, and not give it to them. Then I wouldn't have to think about Jess every few hours, or every half hour. My poor journal has his fucking name and even a photo of his cock in it. Not that I feel bad that my journal has a [photo of his cock in there, that I like, it just how many times his name is on the pages. My life would be back to normal. I'd be getting off the Methadone, I'd be not getting laid(the only bad thing). I wouldn't feel like the ugly one in while having sex.

When the Methadone detox starts to get tough its nice to have a sex object to play with. You get so horny when your coming off Methadone its unbelievable. You have spontaneous orgasms. Just thinking about Jess now on the Methadone I get horny makes me cum, I can't imagine whats it going to be like off the Methadone.

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