Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm gonna love you when your dead

The anonymous people are right, I was not dating that guy, I was just having sex with him. We were not in a relationship. We were close friends who were having sex with each other exclusively. Those were his exact words when I asked if we could be in a relationship. I remember getting myself all worked up about that, the time he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I had a physco break down then, and my second physco break down when he was tubing with his friends and his phone wasn't on him and I was texting him and he wasn't texting back and I thought he was breaking up with me. Like he is now. My third physco break down is when he actually broke up with me and I texted him ferociously.

Today I've done good though. I just wrote him that one email this morning around 9am ish and since I've deleted his number out of my phone I can't text him. I only wish I didn't know his email address, so there would be no temptation to email him. I have nothing to say to except to ask him why, but that is just embarrassing. This whole thing has been embarrassing for me. I hate being vulnerable. I hate being the pathetic girl who can't live without that guy who didn't even like me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am just as addicted to the feeling lust as I am to the feeling of getting high off dope. Its so rare that I actually like a guy. So few and far in between that a guy doesn't think he is rap star, who is a pimp. Seriously its hard to find a white guy who doesn't think he's black now days. I hate hip hop, I hate rap, I hate R and B, I gangsters and wanna be gangsters. The majority of guys out there now days think that they are rap stars, gangsters, pimps. I just want a punk, emo, metal, Stoner rock, garage rock, grunge all mixed into one guy. I don't much like emo, but I do like the Smiths way too much, and I do like Elliott Smith as a tie for #1 favorite musician. Of course its a tie with Kurto.

Why do I become obsessed with things. Like Kurt, that wall, which will soon be a canvas with the lyrics to Seasons in the Sun. Fitting to say goodbye to Kurt. He plays the song at the end of box set, he's on the drums. Texting made my day go by faster. I still get text from Meghan, Charlie, Kaycee, Pam, Chad, but not that guy. Which makes it even more depressing when I look down at the text message knowing its not going to be him. Some times I don't even read the text message for an hour after I get it because I know its not that guy. Who I want to call an asshole more than anything, but I can't bring myself to do it. After I was used for sex, walked all over like doormat, he still tried not to hurt my feelings. Which I hate him for even more. Just hurt my fucking feelings, get it done and over with. Shit I'm not going to lie, sure I used him for sex too, but I really liked him. I didn't walk all over him. I didn't just use him because I just broke up with my wife who was cheating on me with my good friend so I could have someone to be sort of close to. Not too close to.

So this is my second blog about that guy breaking up with my in one day. Sickening. I'm making myself sick. Say that guy resolves all his family problems and decides he wants to start texting me again, there is no way I can even text him back. Not like he would care. I highly doubt his way of getting me off his back is the truth, but as you can tell those few words at the end, " I don't want you to come over until everything is straightened out with my family, that's all" have let me keep a little light of hope in me. Maybe he still does like me, maybe he is just worried about his family. Even though most of me knows that was just how he let me down lightly, other wise he would still text me.

After this blog about that guy, I promise this will be the last about him. At least it will be the last in which I repeat the same things over and over again. This blog is no different than the blog I wrote earlier today. I just need to get this out of me. I just to wash his stain off of me and move on to a book. He'll make a good chapter to a book. I'll explain how I was fat, and hadn't had sex in two years. He brought me back into the action. I was with him when I got kicked off the methadone, and was excited to get the fuck off the fucking Methadone. I hope I didn't cause him any pain, and I'm sure I didn't.

3 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm sorry you are hurt, Anna. You deserve someone who returns your feelings. You will find him.

Love you much,

SB

Brother Frankie said...

ok, here goes.. ( please love me anyway guys)

anna, i know of ONE who loves you unconditionally. who wants to have a relationship with you.

dont frown, im not talking about organized religion, im talking about just asking God to show Himself to you in a way that you can find peace.

I love you, and i pray you find Gods Grace over yur life..

Brother Frankie
a man who loves SB and Anna Grace..
oh yeah, sweden too

Noah said...

I refuse to listen to rap or hip/hop - call it what you will. I just cannot stand it, you're right it seems like everyone listens to it now. Give me old 70s/80s rock and roll, or some of the newer alternative rock...I'm listening to Switchfoot 'Dare to Move' right now.

Hang in there Anna and pour your heart and soul into your writing - good things will happen.