Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Its your heart not mine thats on the line, I really fucked up this time, don't I mind.

Well everyone, it actually my heart on line, and I'm the one who fucked up this time, and yes, I do mind. Its been what three or four weeks since Jess and I started fucking and I've gone crazy two of those weeks. I've already admitted to falling in love with him, and wanting to be in a relationship. I tried to break it off with him twice, but the sex kept me coming back. I had a major, or pretty major relapse while with him, and told him about it. WTF! I've brought up his ex more than once in text messages. Not to mention we only text message, and in the past week or two we haven't been texting very much at all. I do all the texting, and he will text back something short and simple. To the point and that's it. We used to text all day long. He used to make me laugh all day. Kept the mundaneness of my life a little less mundane. I used to email him, and text him. We would talk dirty to each other, and had fun on the phone. Now I only use my phone to check my email, and cruise the Internet, email other friends. Every time I get a text I hope its from him. Usually its from Meghan and even though I love Meghan I find that I'm disappointed because its not him.

On Friday I have a date with Meghan. She wants to take me shopping. She wants to dress me preppy. She hates that I don't dress preppy. Whenever I see her I'm not dressed up at all. I'm at the Methadone clinic in my purple sweat pants and green Mountain Dew t-shirt with my long curly hair all messy. She's lucky I changed my underwear and brushed my teeth. Since I don't have a job, sometimes I stop over at her house after dosing and spend all day there dressed like that. We will go shopping and she will be in all her name brand perfect outfit, her hair done just right, makeup perfect. Then there is me. Always the ugly one. Either a sweater or a t-shirt, or a t-shirt with a sweat jacket over it. Lots of scarves. I used to wear them so I always had a tourniquet to tie off with, now I just wear them because I like them.

On Saturday, I'm suppose to go over to Jess' house, but I have my period. I was suppose to go over there today, but I'm sick and have my period. I have hep C so I can't have sex on the rag ever. I have to make sure I'm done bleeding for sure until I have sex again. I usually only bleed for three to four days. The way things are going I don't think Jess wants me to come over on Saturday. Soon Jess will be " that guy I was seeing/having sex with. He'll probably be happy not having his name on blog anymore with some crazy bitch obsessing over him anymore.

God, I can't believe I share every fucking thought in my fucking crazy head with a bunch of anonymous people. I can't believe that Jess doesn't read this shit. If it were you who I were obsessing about, wouldn't you want to know what I were thinking? "I don't care what you think unless it is about me"~Kurt Cobain, Nevermind, Drain You~ If it were me, and a guy (like this would ever happen LOL)were obsessed with me and blogged about me constantly I would read every blog. I too would probably get scared and not text him back, and not want him to come over for sex anymore. I totally lost the upper hand in this one when I realized that this guy is the type of guy I've always wanted. Why did I have to find him now, when I'm fat, and on Methadone. Why couldn't he have waited until I was off the Methadone and skinny? More in control of my emotions. Why couldn't I have kept the upper hand in this relationship for a bit longer? He likes me, he likes me, he likes me, he likes me, he likes me, he likes me. Oh the denial!

If it weren't for him I wouldn't be saving so much money on cigarettes right now. If it weren't for him I would still be in a sex drought. If it weren't for him I might not have gotten kicked out of the Methadone clinic, and possibly loose all the weight I've put on since I started the Methadone. So that could be the greatest gift anyone could give me. Even though its gonna be a bitch getting off of it.

I smell dead animals and pickles. I need to wash everything in bleach. The smell is coming from outside, but still I don't want my room to smell like that when I go to sleep tonight. Its super hot outside today, and I am very thankful that we have two airconditoners. Even with those two airconditoners its warm in the house. Its humid as hell outside and so it is inside. I'm going to take a cold shower. I still have a slight fever, and when the Advil wears off my throat starts to hurt, and my head starts to pound.

I saw the Doctor at the Methadone clinic today, and he said since they took me down so fast at first, that they are going to leave me at 70mgs for two weeks before I start going down 5mgs every week again. I said, "Thanks Doc." Before my appointment I had time to spare, and money to spend. I had to get two prescriptions filled. My Physc Dr. upped my Ritalin so I got that filled, and Topamax my appetite suppressant. While I waited for them to fill the pills I bought a bra, some undies, and a tank top. I'm not sure the bra will be big enough. I only got a C and I might need a D. All the bras I have right now are Cs and they are too small. So mostly I wear sports bras around the house. If I didn't live with my father I wouldn't wear a bra at all. Fuck, I don't wear a bra most of the time. Only when I'm wearing a white t-shit. Only then do I put one on so my dad doesn't have to look at my boobs all day and night

. After I got my meds I went over to Yonkers and went straight to the purse department. I needed a new purse. The purse I had was too small, and the one before that I didn't like very much. So I decided I'd splurge on a nice purse. Nothing too flashy. Normally I get bright greens, yellows, pinks, purples, reds, etc..., but now that I'm 27 I decided I should find something simple. So I found a Vera Wang, its black and big with a shoulder strap that's perfect. Not too long not too short. I also bought myself a real leather wallet. Also in black. My favorite part of my purse is the inside. The color of the inside is my favorite color blue.

After I bought my purse I went to where we got our cell phones from, and I asked if I was still under my 30 day exchange policy. I had to call my dad so the lady could get his permission to let her speak to me about it. He gave her the permission. So I am under the thirty days, so I decided that I'd rather have a real Blackberry than an HTC so I'm returning my phone tomorrow morning for a real Blackberry. I was looking at the Blackberry in the store that I will be getting, and its awesome. Even better than Jess' phone. His has a track ball, but mine has a sensor pad, so all I have to do is move my finger around on the pad and the cursor moves and then click and the cursor clicks. Plus this will give me something to do to keep my mind off of Jess. Reading and watching TV and shopping are the few things that keep my mind off him. Writing only makes it worse. If I try to write fiction I find that I weasel him in there somehow. Oh yes, today while I was in shopko waiting to get my meds filled I saw magic cards, and Jess is big into Magic. I thought about buying the starter pack, but I remembered that he's pretty much breaking up with me and won't be teaching me how to play so it would be a waste of money. So even shopping doesn't keep my mind totally occupied. The really fucked up thing is, I hate shopping. Even when I was skinny I hated shopping. I don't mind it for the first half hour forty five minutes, or if I know what I'm there for, but just wondering around looking at stuff bores the shit out of me. When I go shopping with my mom, I bring a book along and sit in the common area and read while she goes from store to store buying useless shit that we don't need. I didn't really need a purse, but I like buying purses. Its the one thing that I like to buy. That and stuff for my dog. I don't mind Internet shopping, because you can sift through tons of shit really fast. Like looking for my down comforter and sateen sheets, I looked at, at least 100 different down comforters and sheets until I priced the top 10 I liked. I checked out the thread counts, made sure they were Egyptian Cotton and then got the ones I liked best for the cheapest price. It was really easy. I should do that with close on the Internet. I do,I do it with shirts. I bought Jess a birthday gift already because I thought for some reason that his birthday was the 9th of this month, but its the 9th of next month. If were not together next month I get the t-shirt and its an awesome t-shirt. Although he's the one who likes sharks, but still its cool.

I just texted him when I started this blog and asked him, "Did you think my email last night was stupid? Do you want me to leave you alone? No reply. Then I texted, "I'll take the no reply as you would rather not text me. I am crazy after all. Not meant in a douchey way." No reply. So about a half hour later I texted, " you were a lot nicer when we first started texting." No reply.

I wish I had privacy to cry. If were to cry now, my parents would be like, "whats wrong Anna"?
I'd be like, " just leave me alone. Can't I cry once in a while"? Then they would say, "Are you feeling depressed, do you need to call Dr. Soncrant?" Fuck, my tears in this house are like fucking emergency. I'm just so lost as to why he suddenly changed his mind. Was he on the fence the whole time. Take or leave her no hurt feelings. God I wish I could have stayed that way. I wish my stupid natural instincts didn't work, I wish attraction didn't work the way it does. Guys if you want to know the way to make a girl like you more...don't like her back. Get her to the point where she really likes you and you know it, then just pull away for no reason. Don't explain yourself. Girls have known this trick for a long time. I've never had it reversed on me. I guess because I'm fat and ugly it easily done on me.

I've been locked inside Jess' heart shaped box for weeks. He's probably fucking somebody else. Its time for me to move on. This time its not me breaking up with him trying to avoid getting hurt. This time I putting my fragile self out there to be shattered into pieces. Let the Karma Police do their job and put me in Karma jail. Oshkosh is all about jail for me. I should have known better. I should have known I would have fallen in love with him, and he would have never felt the same way about me. Now I pine over old text messages where Jess would say sweet things, and the first time I went over there and felt so nervous that I had to drink a drink on the road there. How short this one was lived. The shorter they were the easier they are to get over, or so I'm told.

I'm wish this were not happening, and I'm glad I did give my number to Natalie and Rory because then I would have never met such a great guy. Wiff around hang out on clouds, then we come down and have a hang over. I had fun.


elizabeth said...

You don't really love him. He was just somebody who afforded you some affection and closeness. You are very lonely with your present life state and as a result everything becomes more meaningful than it really is. More important to get yourself in better control right now, someone else will come along...I promise.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm sorry you are hurt, Anna, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.

You are loved.

Anonymous said...

the reason he doesnt want you isnt because your fat & ugly. lots of fat & ugly gals have guys who love them. he doesnt want you bc you are fuckin crazy psycho and wont leave him alone. nobody wants that.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anonymous Asshole,
I understand your frustration. That usually happens to guys with pin-sized dicks.

Anna Grace said...


True that! After Jess texted me lastnight saying he was with friends all day I realized I'm a crazy physco fucking freak who won't leave him alone.

I totally deserve to be broken up with. I'm a fuckin possesive physco.

Anna Grace said...

Thanks for back up, but you have to admit the whole blog yesterday is totally physco. My Doctor needs to read thins blog and assess my mental health.
I love you SB, I wish you were my sister. In my blog today I'll explain what happened lastnight after I blogged, and this morning with Jess.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I consider us family. I don't distinguish between friends I love and blood relations.

By the way, I don't think you're psycho at all. You just liked somebody who wasn't returning it. Most of us ladies have been there at one time or another. You're a doll. You're just a bit lonely. It's part of the human condition. The right guy will come along, and when it's right, you won't be able to chase him off because he will love you just as you are. My uncle told me once, if it's too much work and worry, it isn't meant to be. And if it isn't meant to be, you're never going to change it.

Love you!

elizabeth said...

No response for me? I am hurt!

Anna Grace said...

It sure feels like I really love him. He doesn't even really afford me that much affection and closeness. I have no control over myself right now and I don't want someone else, I want him. Why can't he come along again in say a few months when I have it more together?
Thanks though, your probably right.
Luv Anna Grace

Anonymous said...

wow, i'm out of breath just reading your story!