Monday, August 16, 2010

Love me cancerously

Sorry, no new posts in two days. I just haven't been in the writing mood. I have been dope sick. I can now feel the withdrawals from going down on my Methadone. Today I feel a bit better. My body is getting used to this dose. Too bad on Thursday I will have to dip down 5 milligrams again. I've been snorting Clonazepam like a mad woman. Just to get some sort of relief. I keep crying for no reason. I'm obsessing over Kurt Cobain again really bad. Looking at his picture makes me cry. Watching all his music videos on youtube over and over. Reading his biography Heavier than Heaven yet AGAIN! I'm thinking of going to The Exclusive Company and buying the DVD of his MTV unpluged performance. I've thought about calling my old dealers who's phone numbers I now have again. I'm having using dreams galore. I haven't used. Not even my dad's pills. Every time I have an anxiety attack because I feel I need a needle full of Heroin I do a few lines of Clonazepam and it hits me a lot faster and I calm down. Then I'll eat a a Clonnie and feel better for a while.

God, Kurt was so fucking hot. I love guys who look junkys. The skin and bones look, bags under their eyes, clothes are tore up, dirty hair, eyes pinned and glassy, long sleeved shirts even in 100 degree weather, or short sleeves showing off fresh tracks. My tracks are nearly invisible now. My skin is translucent white, my tracks are on my hands and on inside my elbow where my main vein was. If you look closely you can see them. You can feel them. But they aren't like the used to be. If I tan they show like a mother fucker. I liked how I looked all strung out. All my jeans had holes in them every where, I never cut my hair, and only washed it once a week. So it was dirty and long, I was pasty white, bags under my eyes, I always had to wear a long sleeve white t under my short sleeve ts, see first two photos on blog. I had to cut holes so my thumbs could go thru the long sleeved t so it covered my hand because I used the veins in my hands a lot. Sometimes I would wear dresses, and heels, and turn myself on and masturbate. I had cute polka doted strapless puffy dresses, or baby doll dresses. I miss being skinny. Cute clothes. I've always made my eyes smokey eyes. When I was strung out I used brown eye shadow and brown eye liner and would use it on top and bottom of my eye and smudge it so it looked smokey. Sometimes I used black eye liner and shadow.

Jess doesn't look like a junky, but he's hot anyhow. I mean that guy. He's almost 35, and he doesn't have any kids. He could have a 10 year old, and it would be normal. I could have a 7 year old and it would be normal. Its rare that people our age don't have kids. My ex had a kid. My ex is 31 and his kid is 13 years old. I was a step mom sort of through the worst years of my life. Thank goodness Pete didn't see his kid a lot. His kid never seen me do drugs, but he did see me high. Not on a constant basis. He seen me worse, he seen me dope sick. I would try to go without drugs when his kid was around. I thought that was the better thing to do. Either that or I would do just enough to keep me straight and not get me high. When ever Pete's kid was around I saved a lot of money on dope. One time we took a trip to Florida with him. I had to stop at a lot of gas stations on the way down there and go in the bathroom and fix. That trip I had bought 10 grams for a week, and at the end I had dope left over. I only used the minimum amount to get me well and then the last shot of the day right before his son went to bed I would get high.

Oh god, Jess compared to my ex is 100 times hotter. I hope Pete doesn't read this. We used to go visit Jess and Melissa when I was still with my ex, and I thought Jess was so hot. I was so afraid to talk in front of him. Jess was very talkative, and funny. He would pick on me a little bit. I don't remember exactly what he'd say. Pete and Melissa were friends, and I was always just there. I was the third wheel with them. Thank god for pain killers or I would have been really bored when we visited them. Whenever we visited Jess and Melissa we would always drink, and sit around and watch movies. They had a huge collection of movies. After Melissa and Jess went to bed, my ex and I would have sex everywhere in their apartment. I'm not quiet when I have sex, so I wonder if they herd us. I'm afraid to ask Jess, because I don't want to bring up my sexual past with my ex with Jess. I don't want to hear about his sex with Melissa. Well actually I do, but I'm sure he doesn't want to know that I was fucked on his kitchen counter just outside his bedroom. That I was fucked every which way on his couch. He doesn't know that I thought about him when I was having sex with my ex though. I don't think that would change the fact that fucked in his apartment. We weren't together, and I'm sure he fucked Melissa while we were there. Which I could care less about. I will never ask him. Although I am curious. One time somebody came out to go to the bathroom and I was totally naked spread eagle across the floor in between the couch and the kitchen getting eaten out. Who ever came out of the bedroom had to have seen me, but they just went to bathroom, and went back into the bedroom and didn't stop to have a look. I wonder if it was Jess or Melissa?

After Pete and I broke up, and Jess and Melissa became distant memories. Rory and Natalie (Jess brother Rory, and Rory's girlfriend Natalie) were still my friends. They happened to go to the same Methadone clinic as I did. So I would sometimes ask about Melissa or Jess. I didn't like Melissa. She was always trying to get my ex to leave me. For good reason at the end, but still. Plus, Pete(my ex) had relations with her when he stayed down there for a few days while Pete and I were fighting because of my drug addiction. So I had a distaste for Melissa. I liked Jess and wanted to fuck him, but he was in love with Melissa. I would ask if they were still together. I'd find out she cheated on him, they broke up, he took her back, they don't talk to him anymore so they don't have any news, then she cheated on him again, he moved in with them, I told them I thought he was hot. I got to fuck him finally.

The first time I went to see that guy, I just wanted sex. I never thought I would like him as much as I do. I was sexually attracted to him from the first time I met him. I wasn't going to pass up the chance to have sex with him. The sex was amazing. Not just because I hadn't had sex in two years. He is just great in bed. Never in a million years did I think he would want to see me more than twice. I started to fall for him almost right away. I started to become physco right away too because I thought/think he is going to hurt me and I tried to break it off, but stopped because I wanted to keep having sex with him. I found that I can't separate the sex from the feelings I have for him. Oh, how I wish I could. Life would be 1000 times easier. I'm pretty sure he can separate those feelings. Men can do that. If he even has feelings for me, aside from thinking of me as a good friend with benefits. I wonder if that guy thinks about me when I'm not around. Probably not, unless its about sex. Then maybe every now and again. I think about him obviously when I'm blogging, then I'd say four or five times during the day. Not every day, but most days.

I am so curious as to what will happen in the future with me and that guy. Will he go back to his wife? Will he and I get into a relationship? Will we part ways amicably? Will we stay friends with benefits for a long time? Will he like me more when I loose weight after I get off the Methadone? It really sucks being fat. I don't understand why he would be with me right now. I understand why he doesn't want to be in a relationship, its because I'm fat. In four or five months I should be down to my normal weight. At least a healthy looking weight, by spring I will be thin. Hopefully not strung out on drugs. I keep forgetting that. Soon I'm going to off Methadone and on Suboxone. That guy only knows me on Methadone, he doesn't know my mood swings. Well he knows them a little, but they are worse off Methadone. I don't want to be that girl. I don't care if he goes out with his friends. I don't care if he looks at other chicks, or if he jerks off to pornos, or if he thinks about other chicks while fucking me. Fuck, I'd love to watch him have sex with another woman. It would turn me on. It makes me really horny just thinking about it. I'd rather wait until I get skinner for that. I hate it when girls are a lot prettier than me. Even though almost all girls are prettier than me even when I'm thinner, but being thinner I feel better about myself just a smidgen. If he finds someone else he can break it off with me and fuck

That guy has what I want. Now as I get off the Methadone and loose the weight I put on in the past two years I will become more sexually confident. He will be knee deep in sex. He will be pushing me away. I will be masturbating on a constant basis, plus I'll be extra horny because I'll be off Methadone. So my sex drive will be 100% plus my inhibitions will be at 0%. That makes for a sexy cocktail. Imagine if that guy would have hooked up with me when this happens. Its like the perfect storm.

Enough about that guy, and getting of Methadone, loosing weight, having a sex. Right now I have to deal with the cravings. The dope sickness. The only thing that can take my mind off that is sex. I have to wait until Wednesday for sex again. I wish I could get my hands on some Coke. It would take my mind off this withdrawing business for a while. I know, I sound like an idiot. This is how the mind of an addict works though. Instant gratification.

My days are long, my nights are longer. TV is not as entertaining as it was when my dose was making me nod out. Pictures of Kurt Cobain make me cry. Music is all I want to listen to. My MP3 is full, so I can't go on Rhapsody and download new music. I have no NIN, or Weezer, or White Stripes. All these I want to listen to. I should look for new music. I like Elliott Smith type music, and its hard to find a good singer song writer. Tori Amos, I should download her too. She did a cover of Smells like Teen Spirit, and Reign in Blood by Slayer. She did a bunch of covers. I should download some Slayer too. I love Slayer. Slayer doing Black Sabbath Covers. Type O negative Black #1 is a great song. I might just use the MP3 that only one ear phone works unless you push the part where you plug the ear phones in down then both work. I need to delete a bunch of music on my good MP3 player, but I can't figure out how to delete it. My cell phone has a MP3 player, but I don't know how it works.

Oh shit fuck, I hate being a fat cunt. I'm done posting for the day. I've bored you enough for the day. Time to spell check.

9 comments:

Danny said...

for music you could try 'midlake' - very mellow with an undercurrent of intensity bubbling under - try their first album though - 2nd ones not as good.

Anonymous said...

Anna if you have the usb cord to your mp3 player, plug it in and it should open up your mp3 player and music player. You should be able to delete your music under your music player. Then you can sync your new music to it. The brand you have is pretty easy to figure out.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna Dear,
You never bore me. It's good to hear about your life and what you are up to.

Love,

SB

Anonymous said...

Most of you have never met Anna in person. She is fun to be with, witty, smart, and has the coolest chuckle/laugh. She is a teller of the truth regarding herself but does not try and hurt others. She
has been battling her addictions for years and seems to be getting closer to really cleaning up her life. She is a very talented person.

Anna Grace said...

Danny,
Thanks for the suggestion. I checked them out. They remind me of Radiohead. I have too much Radiohead on my MP3 player that I want to delete some. Thanks anyway. If you have anymore suggestions please do give me some. I need to find some new bands. Pagoda is the newest band that I've been listening to, well that and Violent Soho.

Anna Grace said...

Anonymous#1
Thanks for the help on deleting songs from my MP3. It means alot to me. I thought I was going to have to bring it over to a freinds house, and I don't think they would have been able to do it, because they didn't tell me to bring my puter.
I still haven't tried to delete the songs yet, but I'm going to today. Heres to hopeing it works. You rock!

Anna Grace said...

SB,
I'm glad to hear that I never bore you. I have to bore thousands of people. If thousands of people even read this lame ass blog. I'd say if I'm lucky maybe I get a 100 hits a day. Thats really streaching it. Probably like 30 hits a day. I need a hit counter. I need someone to install one. Gledwood was going to, but then he started his project and (which I'm glad he did I'm betting its gonna be published)still I want to know how many people read my blog on a daily basis. Only like 2000 people have checked out my profile in two years. Pathetic.
I love you SB, your the greatest. You always make my day a bit brighter. Even though I like gray days, so really you always make my day a bit grayer. Its a good thing. Love ya.
AG

Anna Grace said...

Anonymous#2
Thanks for all the kind words about me. Who are you, and how do you know me? I take it we know eachother from the past. Is it through highschool, Oconto Falls, The Methadone clinic, is it Kaycee? No offence to anyone else it could be. I just assume its Kaycee because she always says nice things about me. Reveal yourself mysterious nice commenter. You have no reason to hide behind anonymous. You can always just type your name in under anonymous if you don't have an account. Do you really know me? I think you do, because I'm very blunt and honest in real life, but I really try not to hurt other peoples feelings. I'm mostly blunt and honest about myself and my parents. When I'm out with my mom, its like I'm a stand up comedian because I have so much material. I just rip into her. Nothing malicious, but funny shit. I would never go so far as to hurt her feelings.

Come on Anonymous#2 reveal yourself. I must know who you are so I can thank you for making me feel better about myself. You know I have low self esteem, and getting such a nice comment helps make it a bit higher. Is that why you did it? Because you knew I had low self esteem and needed a boost. Is that why Liam called? Is that why I had a publisher email me? Is this all fake to make me feel better about myself? My writing stinks, you guys are just trying to be nice to make me feel better about myself. I do lie you know. When I have to, I lie. I lied a lot when I was using. Without even a blink of an eyelash I'd lie through my teeth. I'd steal, lie, be an out right scuzzy human being.
Who is this. Sorry I went off on a tangit. I'm an idiot who only thinks about myself. Thanks so much for this complement.
Anna Grace
PS
Wish there were spell check on comments.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna,
I love you, too. Have a great weekend!

SB