Monday, August 2, 2010

Monsters inside me

This morning I woke up to rain droplets landing on my window. None of my alarms had gone off I just woke up naturally. Its only 6am, and its humid as hell in here. I grab my cigarettes and and walk out into the living room where my dad is sitting in his chair. No airconditoner is on. I ask, "why don't you have the air on"? He say, "because it was cold out here when I woke up". I say, "now its too warm in here, can I turn it back on"? He looks at me and shakes he head yes. I walk over to the airconditoner and turn it on high.

I go over to my box of Nurti System food, and have my blue berry muffin, a 8oz glass of fat free milk, and an half a orange. I grab on old water bottle and fill it up with some water, and I smoke a cigarette. Then I go back to my room, I pull out a clean pair of underwear, some clean clothes, I go brush my teeth, and I put on some make up. I don't know why I put on make up today. I never put on make up to go to the clinic. What the hell though, today is Monday. I don't feel like leaving right away for the clinic. So I put on some cover up, some mascara, some eye shadow, some eye liner, and a little blush. I brush out my hair. Its still straight so its easy to brush out, and I put on a hat, and some sunglasses. I don't care that its raining out. I want to feel like someone famous and I needed a hat and big sunglasses to hide from the general public.

I take Eleanor off my parents bed. My mom is still in bed sleeping. Eleanor wants down really badly, so I take her down, and let her outside. She goes out and she pees and poops. I let her in and give her, her treats. Then I feed her, her breakfast. After she's done eating she wants to be petted, and she likes to be petted hard. She will spread her legs out and brace herself. Then she will put her head down, put her ears back, and I will use both hands to scratch her up and down her little body for a few minutes. If I don't do it, my dad does it, and he does it even harder than I do it. You just can't scratch her hip too hard because she will yip and and cry and run away under a bed and not come out for an hour or two.

Around 8am I leave for the clinic. I have an hour and an half to make it there, plenty of time. I drive a little fast on my way there. I have two checks to cash this morning on my way home. My SSI checks. One from the Federal Government and one from the State government. I listen to the Radio on the way down there, and there is no good songs on the radio. Wait there was one, Weezer's Say it ain't So.

I get to the clinic, and get out of the Jeep. I smell gasoline. The gas tank leaks when its full. I don't know anything about cars so all I know is, whenever I take a right turn gas spills out of the gas tank. So that's money down the drain. From now on my dad tells me not to fill the tank up all the way to full. I had forgotten this morning when I stopped at the gas station to get gas and cigarettes, and I had filled the gas all the way up to full.

I walk in the door to the clinic and as always now, I don't sit down, don't take a number. I go straight to the window. Since I'm being taken off the Methadone slowly, today I'm taken down to 70 milligrams of Methadone. I'm ten milligrams down from where I was three days ago. I take my Methadone and am in and out of the clinic in less than ten minutes, that includes my UA that will pop positive for coke. I get back in the jeep, and drive over to the bank.

I get to the bank, and I'm a few minutes early. So today I took an extra Ritalin, because I've been nodding out with the Clonazepams I've been taking. I also took two Clonazepams. I wanted to see which drug over powered which one. I sit in the parking lot of the bank, and look on the Internet for a new comforter for my big bed, and some satin sheets and pillow cases. I find one that I like and I book mark it. I go into the bank and cash my checks, stop in to see Kristy Tao to sign up for green e-statements. I was suppose to do that a while ago. I just never got around to it. Unfortunately Kristy Tao's computer was down and she couldn't do it with me. So now I'm suppose to do it by myself here at home. Boring!

I get home, and I can tell the Methadone dose tapering is still not putting me into withdrawals. The Clonazepam is mixed with the Methadone is over taking the Ritalin. My eyes are having a hard time focusing on the road, I'm swerving a little. Finally I pull in the driveway, and come into the house. I pull myself together. Mom is up and at 'em, she is going to Green Bay with my dad for the day. She is bringing her resume so I think she's getting sick of sitting around the house with me and my father all day. Fuck, I'm getting sick of sitting sick of sitting around with my dad all day long. Especially when I take an extra Clonnie and I can't keep myself from drooling on the keyboard or reading a book, or while writing in my journal. My dad took my camera out of my purse yesterday and took photos of me nodded out, and yuck do I look like shit. How does something that feels so good look so bad? So after today, I'm going back on my routine, where my mom only doles out one Clonazepam at bedtime, and if I really need one I ask for one. If I happen across someone selling Xanax I will buy a few. That is until I'm done detoxing and am on Suboxone. Then all that shit is done. Then I plan on...wait I don't want to jinx it. I might even get off the Clonazepam when I get off the Methadone. Whats the point of being on it then. I do have anxiety, but I use the medication mainly for sleeping. I need it every now and again for anxiety. Like when I first meet someone, or if I have to go to a family gathering. Pretty much every time I have to go in public. Maybe I do need them, but I don't need 1 milligram three times daily, I could down to .05 milligram twice daily. Some people get high off Clonazepam without the Methadone, but Clonazepam without Methadone doesn't do anything for me aside from make me drowsy. With the Methadone it makes me feel euphoric. Today the only thing the Ritalin is doing is keeping my appetite at bay. Methadone and Clonazepam makes me hungry for carbs and sweets.

After my parents leave, I'm still able to keep my eyes open for a while. So I go on the Internet and buy myself a down comforter in light pink, and satin sheets in bone white, with satin pillow cases in bone white. Then I have my favorite pillow which is blue and has whit dots on it. Its really soft, plus I have my Banky. My Banky has a bunch of cigarette burn in it, which sucks, but I'm working on it. I've stopped smoking as much when I wake up in the middle of the night. Even if I haven't taken any extra drugs on the side of my Methadone, if I wake up in the middle of the night and light up a cigarette I will pass out with it in my hand and put holes in my blankets, clothes, and body.

Now that I have the comforter picked out for my bed, I have to paint the huge mural I have pie have yet to paint in my closet. I have packed up pretty much all of my paints, but I can unpack them for a few days and paint that mural. I don't know if mural is the right word. Its not going to be a painting of anyone, or of anything in particular, its going to be an abstract painting on a huge canvas. Probably with pinks and whites in it. Maybe something with a saying in it. I love the sentence, " I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean with you". Although I'd rather that painting be ocean blue. I'd mix the colors from a picture I have of the ocean from Hawaii.

Sorry you guys, you probably want to hear about my problems, or my sex life. Meghan called me today while I was online shopping and we made plans to go shopping Thursday. I hate shopping. That's why I'm at home doing online shopping, but Meghan is feeling really down, and depressed and wants me to spend time with her so I promised her that we would meet at the ShopKo in the Mall at 8:30am after we dosed at the clinic. I'm going to be going to Jess' house on Wed. where I will probably sleep over. My friend will be looking for X for me, and if my friend can't get their hands on that they will be looking for a teener bag of powder. Its hard to find powder around here, really its hard to find powder through my friend. Hard, hard hard is all this person has. I don't know what day I will be getting this, or if I will even be getting this any time soon. It sucks blogging about drugs, especially when people I know read my blog and who knows who will tell who what. You know I'm just kidding about all the drug use I've ever talked about on my blog:) I know it sounds like I've been doing lots of yayo, but not really. I've only done it twice. One time it was just a little bit of shitty stuff, and the second time it was smoked and probably just about 6 to 8 hits before we left. I've talked about it a lot because I've had a wild hair up my ass to do some, but I'm so out of the loop in getting drugs that it takes me weeks to get a single hook up. Except for Heroin, I'm out of the loop. I know one phone number and that's it. Meghan knows one phone number, so together we know two numbers. We used to know three people together, but that person is in prison. That is the person I was in rehab with before Meghan and Corey got there.

Now that I've ruined my negative UA's for three months straight(its not like I gained anything from negative UA's, they still have me coming in every day, and they are still kicking me out) I smoked the crack on Friday or Saturday? I don't remember. If it was Friday it might be negative. I think it was Saturday though, so that means I'm still positive. If they would have just waited until tomorrow I would be clean of coke.

This weekend I didn't txt Jess much. I'm not sure what he did. I do know that he was excited that Shark week started yesterday. Yesterday I watched Big Brother, and True Blood. Oh fuck, is Eric Northman HOT! He is so masturbation worthy. I bet millions upon millions of women masturbate to his naked body and perfect face every week. I wonder if Jess were a on True Blood if millions upon millions of women would masturbate to him? I would and aside from my ex I have a good judge of looks in men. I knew that Alexander Sarsgard would be considered the sexiest man on the show True Blood. I still think Michal Pitt is the hottest guy in the world. I still put my spell on him. So if I ever see him...we all know what will happen. Hopefully I don't see him for a year or two, so I can slim down. Right before I turn 30. Wait for my 30th birthday I want Michal Pitt for my birthday. I want him to talk to me. I'd love for him to read to me, because I love his voice.

I have a feeling that Jess might be seeing his wife. I don't know. Maybe not. He gets really mad when you poke at him about it. I just decided I would try to push his buttons and get him mad, to see how far I could push him. All I had to do was accuse him of seeing his wife. People don't get that mad about something unless some part of it is true. She did cheat on him with a number of people, but you don't stay with someone for ten years because you don't love them. The sex had to have been good. He had to have loved her pretty deeply to put up with as much as he did. I'm not sure what the breaking point was for Jess. It must have been something pretty bad. Because he put up with some pretty skanky shit.

Oh enough on my speculation on what Jess is doing when I'm not around. Its his business. Just as its my business and the business of all you anonymous and not so anonymous people who read my blog of whats going on in my life. I still talk to Pete, we are still friends. We don't have sex, and he lives a thousand miles away from me. Plus we broke up two and half years ago. WE haven't had sex in a very long time, but Pete did get to have sex with me when I was in much better shape. Getting off the Methadone will hopefully help with that., but I don't want to jinx it.

I wonder what Melissa and Jess thought when Pete first brought me around as his girlfriend. Pete was 5'four and balding. He never wore pit stick, he always wore a beard because he didn't have a chin when he shaved. He wasn't the most handsome guy in the world, but he was smart, and an amazing writer. He was a very lazy writer though. He had me take all his works, that were written on all kinds of paper, and put them in order and type them out and put them in dust jackets. I never got through all of them. He had about 5 notebooks full, and about 2 notebooks of loose leaf paper poems just lying around. Waiting to be taken care of. I bought him a binder and had him put them in there so he wouldn't lose them. Still I wonder if they thought I was ugly and thought Pete could do better, or if thought Pete was ugly and I could do better, or if we made a perfect match? I wonder what all of our friends thought? I know my friend Katrina thought I could do a lot better, and my cousin Joanna hated him. She thought it was him that was making me do drugs. When in reality it was the opposite way around. I know that some of his friends hated me. I'm not sure which ones. None of them ever told me to my face. None of my friends ever told Pete to his face that they didn't like him. If they would have told me my feeling would have been hurt, and I'm glad that no-one told me they didn't like me.

I gotta go, and spell check this piece of shit blog post.

9 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Just saying hi, Anna.

I'm still reading, babe.

Anonymous said...

You are one sick, drug addicted fuck who needs to remain in methadone treatment because you haven't even reached point one on the recovery scale. If they complete tossing you out from the program you will be off and running overnight with a full-blown opioid addiction again. And the grim reaper is a constant presence in the room when that is going on. You need to try to gain some objectivity to see just how sick you are. In this state, dreams are but unobtainable musings instead of goals to strive and work towards. Reading of your daily life is a very sad endeavor. I wish you luck.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anonymous,
If reading Anna's blog is such a sad endeavor, then why does your dumb motherfucking ass do it, you cowardly Anonymous fuck?

Piss off.

BFTP said...

I think Jess has some problems. First the cheating whore, and now the fat crazy junky with all the STDs. You think I don't know about the STDs? Think again.

Anna Grace said...

SB,
Hi right back at you. I think you may be my most vocal loyal reader. Makes me feel good, and you always stand up for me. You always have my back. I luv you for that. I sometimes feel all alone when someone attacks me like a pitbull, but I always got my Sarcastic Bastard Rot to back get them to back off. You truely are my saving grace most days when I read my comments.
Love you,

Anna Grace

Anna Grace said...

Anonymous#1,
Yes, I am one sick drug addicted fuck who needs to remain on some sort of drug treatment. That is why when I'm done weening off the Methadone I'm going straight to the Suboxone. There is no way I could go straight without any kind opiate in my system.

I can't prepare for death anymore than I already have. I have a headstone, a plot(even though I want to be burned and my ashes spread in the ocean just off shore. I don't like the deep ocean.) I know what songs I want played at my wake. I have a living will and testment, and a will and testment. I have a DNR order that I signed on my last suicide attempt.I always carry around my ID on me when I'm using just in case I OD so if the people I'm using with don't call the 5-0 and leave me to rot away they will be able to identify me and tell my parents as soon as they find me.

I think I know I haven't even reached point one of the recovery process. Although I have admitted that I have a problem and that my life is out of control because of that problem. Step one in the AA/NA is admiting you have a problem and that your life is out of contorl because of that problem. Step two is giving that problem over to to God...I think. I have the big blue book in my room, but I'm much to lazy right now to go get it.
I'm sorry my ready my blog is such a sad endeavor for you.

Anna Grace said...

SB,
I told you, your my saving grace when I read my comments. When I'm feeling as low as I can possibaly get, you say something to make me feel better. Thank you.

Love you even more,
Anna Grace

Anna Grace said...

BFTP,
Leave Jess the fuck out this.
His wife, I just say mean things about because I'm jealous. Duh.
Are you talking about my Hep C. and the time I had the Clap back in 2003 that I got from Pete when I first started fucking him? Thank God I got tested right away when I started fucking him or I would have gone around with the clap for four years. I wonder how long Pete had it before I told him he had it? I've always been very open about my Hep C. Which is spead by blood to blood contact. Still there is a small chance it could be spread by vaginal sex so we do use condoms.
Jess doesn't have problems, its me that has problems. I've trapped him in this web of weirdness and crainess. He will soon take back his normal life and end it with me the crazy bitch from up north who could only see him once a week. So please leave Jess alone. Rag on me for my STD's. BTW I didn't get Hep C. from sex I got it from sharing needles. Not that it makes it any better. It just makes me a Junky. I freely admit that I'm a junky with Hep C. and that I had the clap when I was 20 years old in 2003.
Is that what you wanted to know. That you alluded to knowing so you could get it out of me so I would admit to it, but if you would have just gone back in my blogs to the begining I'm sure I've written extensively about both things.
Did you know that I don't shave my pubic hair and let it grow out like they did in the 70's?
Anything else private you want to ask, but are afraid I won't tell you so you use Jess as some kind of way to piss me off and get me to tell you shit about myself that you might think I'm would be too proud to telL about myself. There is nothing I'm too proud to tell about myself
I know I have no self respect. Enough comments about that. Pleeeaaasssseeeeeee.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna,
Thanks for your kind words. I do always have your back. I love you, kid, and I think you are very bright. You just have a little trouble directing it. Growing up is hard. I had a hard time, too. But I have faith in you.

Love,

SB