Friday, August 20, 2010

A smile and wink meant more than a kiss

Yesterday I was hungover, and tired. I ended up staying up all day. Although while blogging I kept nodding out because I snorted Clonazepam right before I opened up the laptop to blog. I didn't do too much all day except take Advil for period cramps. My period was so light I didn't even need regular tampons, I needed light tampons, the ones the size of your pinkie finger. I'm always afraid those will fall out. For some reason I always think my vag is bigger than it really is. I didn't have sex for two years. My shit should be nice and tight. At least I hope. Its not as tight as my asshole, but this girl don't do anal. Sorry if I let any of you down. I can't I got Hep C. and when you do anal you bleed. I've done anal in the past, and it hurts like a bitch. My ex used to beg me to let him slip in my back door, and I'd scream bloody murder, and I don't know if in his mind he'd imagine I was screaming in ecstasy? WTF! I know that my ex has Hep C too, because we shared needles. I don't know if he ever got checked out or not. I've called him and told him at least 10 times to get checked out. But we are talking about a guy who gave me the Clap, and in the first month we were fucking I went to get put on the pill, I got a pap, and STD tested. I always get STD tested when I sleep with someone new, and two days after I got tested the clinic calls me back and tells me to come back in right away. I got an HIV test too, so when they called back and told me to come back right away I was scared. This is before I wanted HIV. I don't want it anymore. That was a phase. Anyway, so I have my ex drive me to Oconto and I go in and tell them that I was called back. They tell to sit in the waiting area. I sit there for 10 minutes, my ex is in the car. Its mid summer and hot as hell outside. I'm scared to death that I have the hiv. Finally I get called in to the doctors office. The nurse tells me I have the Clap, and I actually sigh a sigh of relief. I'm like, so its not HIV, its the Clap. I tell her that the guy I'm sleeping with is in the car. She tells me I should go get him. Mind you, my ex and I had just gotten together like two and half weeks ago, we aren't that comfortable with each other yet, and I have to go out to the car and tell him that he needs to come in and take an anti biotic because we have the clap. Can you say uncomfortable. I know that he gave it to me, because the last guy I slept with was TJ, and I had a STD test when I started fucking him too. Negative across the board. So I know that my ex gave me the Clap. I don't tell him that. I let him think that we don't know who gave it to who. The situation was embarrassing enough the way it was. Having to tell him that he gave it to me was just too much. So we drank our anti Biotic and then we couldn't have sex for seven days. Mind you again we had just started dating, and neither of us had jobs. All we did was fuck. So now we had to wash all our underwear, and not have sex for seven days. We made it four, and said fuck it. I got tested again three months later when my birth control was up, and I didn't have it anymore, so not waiting seven days didn't cause us to give each other the clap again.

Back to yesterday. My dad went to the bar sometime in the afternoon. He got home around 7pm. My friend called. I'll caller Asian because she looks Asian. She told me to come over. I told her I was beat, and that I didn't feel like hanging out tonight. She was like, "Anna, I have something that will make all that go away". So I asked her what she had, and she wouldn't tell me. I guessed what she had, but she wouldn't tell me. I told her I didn't have enough money to buy anything, and she's like don't worry about it. I got it for a really good price, and did a sorta wink wink over the phone. Trying to tell me something so her baby's daddy wouldn't hear. I asked her where the baby was, and she told me her mom took the baby. So I was like, how can I pass this up. Its not every night a friend calls up and tells you to come over for free illegal fun. The whole way there I was hoping that he boyfriend wouldn't be there so we could talk open and freely. Asian has to keep a lot of stuff to herself when he boyfriend is there. Which sucks. I love hearing about everything.

When Asian called, I had just gotten out of the shower. I got dressed, put on mascara, and brushed my hair, and teeth, and put on black sweat pants, and a t shirt like I usually wear. I wore a hooded sweat jacket because it was sorta cool outside. I drove fast to get there, because I didn't want Asian to do all of it without me. When I walked in the door, there was no boyfriend, and there was two eight balls sitting on the kitchen counter for both of us. Plus she had bought us the Walmart package off 100 syringes, because as you know with coke you need a lot of spikes. Meghan had two little mirrors two razors in case we wanted to snort, two spoons, cottons. As soon as I saw what it was I had to poop. I didn't want to inject right away, I wanted to do a line, but before I could I had to poop. Then I got done, and cut myself a huge biker line and so did Asian, as soon as we did that line, both of us had to poop. It was good blow. Normally I'm constipated because of the Methadone, but now that I'm going down I'm starting to poop again every day. Not little rabbit turds once a week. God, its strange to poop every day. You have to stop what your doing and go sit down and push one out. I know gross, but this is a bodily function that I haven't had to do everyday in 7 or 8 years. Even while I was on Heroin, and pills I didn't shit on a regular basis.

After our simultaneous poops we washed our hands, and then we boosted the blow. Which we could only do for about a half hour, or I could because my veins are shit. After that I would lay on the bed with my head hanging off, and I'd have Asian bang me up in my jugular. Then I would do it for her. Then we decided that we were being stupid, and that we should just snort the rest. Even though by boosting it we were saving more.

By this time, both Asian and I were very talkative. We talked about everything from global warming to having kids. Which having kids we talked about for probably four hours. I sorta had a break down about it. I didn't cry or anything, but I came to the realization that I'm 27 years old, I'm on Methadone, getting off it, but going on Suboxone. I'm not in a relationship where talking about having kids is even an option. At 36 your past your prime child bearing years, and then what? I do want kids someday. I'm definitely not ready to have a kid now, or in the near future, but by 33 I'd like to be ready to have a kid. That's only 6 years away. Which means I'd have to be clean and sober totally for at least two years, I'd have to be in a relationship with someone who wants kids, and who I love. Someone who will make a good dad. Not someone who has 5 kids already, and is paying child support for those kids. If I have to I'll do a test tube baby. I'd pick a guy with a high IQ and no addiction in his family past because I don't want my kid to have addiction coming at them from both sides. Unless I love their father, still I want the dad to have a high IQ. I don't them to be called stupid in school like I was. My self esteem issues stem from being picked on since I was in elementary school. Not just for being stupid, but for being ugly, and fat. I was a really skinny kid, but they called me fat. Just to be mean. Kids are fucking mean. I can't imagine having a kid and loving him or her so much, and finding out he or she is getting picked on like I was. My heart would be broken. I don't know what I would do. I don't think there was anything my parents could have done to help me. Maybe give me tutoring. I always had the best clothes, and got everything I asked for.

Wow that's off topic. Not really, its just what we were talking about. So this morning I go to the clinic and I get a UA, and I know its going to be + for Cocaine and weed. I ended up staying awake all night last night, and so far all day today even though I took 10 clonazepam today along with my Methadone. Its 3:15pm, and after this blog I'm going to take a nap, and probably not wake up until tomorrow morning. I do eat my coke boogers. I don't care how grossed out you are by that, its just a waste of coke if you don't eat those boogers. Sometimes there is lumps of coke in your nose that are all sticky like boogers.

Asian got the coke for cheap because there is this black guy that has a huge crush on her, and she had called for me because I had asked if she could get me a 8 ball for Wed and we could meet up at the clinic in the morning so I could bring it down to that guys house. She wanted on for herself. He didn't get the coke in time for me to bring it down to that guys house, but he gave her a gravy deal. 120 for a 8 ball, and the one he was suppose to give her for me he gave to her for free for not getting to her on time. I wanted to save that 8 ball for next time I went down there, but I would have had to pay Asian 160 for the ball and I had that money in my savings account where I can't touch it. I didn't have enough cash on me. Next time I have enough money to buy coke for that guys house though I bet he will make sure the product gets there on time so he gets his money. Now I know that Asian gets a deal, I wonder if she would have gave me the ball for 180 if I didn't know, or if she would have really gave it to me for 160?


Anonymous said...

Your friend meghan should be reported to social services. And you are crazy to be injecting into your jugular, and more crazy for allowing someone else to do it to you.
What are you doing anna? You are going to have a nice coke habit very soon if you're not careful.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kids are mean, and you are anything but dumb. Little assholes.

Noah said...

when you shot that coke did you hear the train coming? I always did when the coke was good.

Anna Grace said...

She uses once in a while. She doesn't use every day, or even every month. The only reason she used is because I called and asked if she could call her guy and get me some. She can't help that he guy has a crush on her and brought stuff for cheap.
Asain is a good mother. She takes care of her child. Her child wants for nothing, is read to every night, is fed, loved with every fiber of her mothers being. Just because her mom did some coke one night dosn't mean the child is in any danger.
The whole time we did the coke she worried about doing this because she is a mom now, and thought it was innapproiate. She knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. I shouldn't have done it, but I did. She knew it was wrong, but she did it. Thanks for your opinion. Thanks for making us feel bad. Mission accomplished.

Anna Grace said...

Kids are very mean. I was always so quiet and sensitive, and kids just picked on me. Once when I was like 12 I tried to kill myself by ODing on Tylenol. My classmates found out, and they got together and made me a card. Inside the card it said, "Next time use a gun." and every single classmate of mine signed it.
Even if I got straight A's the kids would call me stupid, and I would try to show off my good grades to the kids, and then they would make fun of me for showing off. It was like I could never win. Kaycee and Katrina were the only two who stuck beside me, and they were the most popular girls in school. Thats why I was always the ugly one. I knew I was the ugly one. I never dated a boy in my highschool. They will always see me as stupid and ugly.
Little assholes!!!!
Love you SB

Anna Grace said...

Nope, I've never herd a train coming. I've herd a woosh, but not a train comming.


Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

haha it's always the ANONYMOUS one that has shit to talk.

i love how there are soooo many parents in our country --and in my building, as i write this-- who just drink and smoke cigarettes until the whole joint reeks of it... but ya know, it's all good, all legal. but one night of coke? EVERYONE'S GOIN TO HELL. hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I'm not saying there is anything wrong in doing coke when you are only responsible for yourself, I'm not a saint but I really do believe there is something wrong in shooting coke in your neck when you are supposed to be a responsible mother. I didn't post the previous comment to upset you anna or make you feel bad. If your friend believes what she is doing is wrong, then she shouldn't be doing it, whether it is every week, every month or once in a blue moon. I have known people, some who were parents, die from overdoses, some who injected in the neck. Your friend has a child to think about and she should do everything in her power to stay safe and healthy for her daughter.
If you don't agree with me, fine. I genuinely like you and enjoy Reading your blog. Stay safe.
Jane aka anonymous.

Anonymous said...

and the same goes for parents who drink too much. I work with kids who are and have been in care and I have seen what damage a patent can do to a child. Serious damage.