Monday, August 9, 2010

This world isn't waiting its just passing me by

Its hot and humid outside, out air conditioners are working at full capacity, but still I'm warm. Yesterday I took some Clonazepam even though it has been making me black out, and I was too busy being blacked out to roll cigarettes. So this morning I had to buy a pack of cigarettes on my way to the clinic. My dad again drove me to the clinic. When I woke up this morning I felt like I had a hangover. I woke up before my alarm clock went off, and I had anxiety just like I do after I drank all night. I had a headache. I was dehydrated. I felt dirty even though I took a shower right before bed, and washed all my bedding that day. I guess I just can't handle the Clonazepam anymore.

I still have some Clonazepams left. I found my bottle and took four or five.Until I'm off the Methadone or until my body gets used to my medication increase I cannot take Clonazepam. Which sucks, because as most of my readers know, your body gets addicted to Benzos. Benzos and Alcohol are the only two drugs you die from withdrawals. The seizures they can cause are what can kill you. That and the how it screws with blood pressure. I'm seriously hooked on Benzos, and not taking them for more than two days is hellish, plus going down on my Methadone. Can you say shitty. I don't even want to write about it any more. I can't think about it.

"That guy" that I have obsessed over in past blog posts I think most of you know his name. It starts with a J. It has a E in it and two S's. I'm not obsessing over him right now because he is texting me every day, and I'm going to see him on Weds. This will be the first time I will see him without any Clonazepam in my system. I've only been screwing him for a few weeks. This will be the first time I see him on a Wednesday. His day off. I know your all surprised that he didn't break it off with me, as am I. That blog where I thought he was breaking it off with me, well he was just off with friends. He texted me as soon he got the texts. I just am really physco. He never read the blogs because I've told him not to, and he says hes scared to find out what I'm scared for him to read. Either he's lieing to avoid that uncomfortable weirdness, (because how can you pass up reading a blog that is all about you) or he's just strange and never read it because he really is scared to read how fucking crazy I am. If its number two, then I'm lucky. Wait if its either I'm lucky. If he read that shit and didn't run I'm super lucky. If he did read it, he had to be super close to running far, far away.

I'm so sorry. I'm just not in the blogging mood today. I'm too hot and feel like shit. I just don't feel normal. Not even when I nod out. I got my new down comforter from UPS today. Its rather pink. I wanted a light pink, but its a bright pink. I'm glad that we can't smoke in our new apartment or even on the patio, because I know that comforter would have holes in and duct tape all over it. This way my bed will be soft and not have feathers flying everywhere. I have my typewriter, I need a new ribbon for it, I'll need a new desk for my room. Where should I go online to find a cheap desk? Ebay? I hate bidding on shit. I just need a small desk and chair. My bed is big, and I have a big dresser. I actually have two dressers. One tall one, and one long one with a mirror over it. I will have the one with the mirror over it in my room. My little flat screen TV will sit on that and my clothes will be in there. Oh fuck, like anyone cares what my room is going to look like.

I haven't gone a sex ride in two days. I haven't even masturbated in two days. The whole weekend wasted in the sex part. I saw a movie with my friend Meghan, and then we sat around and talked. I went home, then yesterday I took the Clonazepam and blacked out again. I only have one more week of staying stable at 70mgs of Methadone until I start going down 5mgs a week again. I have a sex wound on my foot, and I had a band aid on it, I should have just let it get air. Yesterday I pushed on it and green puss came out of it. So I pushed on it until I got it all out then and cleaned it out with alcohol and peroxide, and antibacterial cream. Today its hurting. Okay I just got back from cleaning it out again. Its a big hole in the top of my foot. If I didn't know better I would think it was a healing abscess..

Hopefully tomorrow I'm more in the mood to blog. Hopefully even if I don't have anything to blog about I'll go into my past and tell a story about either my using past or my sex past. Leave a comment if you have a preference. Maybe I can combine the two. I don't know if I blogged more about Charlie on my Myspace blog, or on this blog, but either way, he is from Hawaii. We sorta dated for about two months the first time I moved down there. He is half Vietmenses and half white, and his name is Charlie. Get it. Charlie Cong. Well, we have been texting again. We aren't getting back into a relationship. He reads my blog and knows that I like "that guy" a lot. For a while Charlie and I were estranged because of my blog. Now, I hope that we've moved past that, and can be friends. I know he's moved past me. I can't go into details, he doesn't like it when I write about his life on my blog. I can say he likes the arm candy too. Not pretty women if you know what I mean.

Oh yeah, Lindsey Lohan is in jail. I know this is a old entertainment story. I'm not on top of E stories. I mean I knew that LL has been in jail, but I didn't blog about it because I didn't think you guys cared. I care because I was in jail late last year. I know what its like, I wonder how LL is doing in jail? Those showers dry out your skin and hair soooo bad. It took my skin a month to recover. My hair started falling out in chunks from stress. I was in jail in the city that "that guy" lives in. I said the day I got out of jail that I would never return to that city. Who would have thought that I would return for "that guy". I wonder if when LL gets out if she'll move back to NYC and only come to LA to do movies if anyone ever hires to do movies again?

I never realized how old the band Flipper is. They're first album is from 1981, I don't remember the name of it. Its yellow with a simple picture of a shark drawn on the cover and the name flipper on top. The second album Blowing Chunks, and then their third album, which I forgot too. I know they are from San Fransisco. The have some good punk music. I always figured they were a band that was around the early 90's. Flipper made their last CD in 2003. You can tell they are a lot older. Flipper is officially Noise Rock/oldschool punk. I ordered a Flipper t-shirt. I wanted a Dead Kennedy's t, but they were out of stock, so I got an email to find another one. I just happened across the band Flipper. I never thought I'd find a Flipper t-shirt. They had four or five different ts. They even had the same one that Kurt had. As soon as I saw it I immediately ordered it. Now when I get it, I'll feel like a shmuck for wearing it. Kurt was a huge fan of Flipper. I'm a fan, and if I had room on my MP3 player I would down load some Flipper songs, but my MP3 is full. If I could delete some music I would, because I have too much Radiohead that I don't even listen too. I have a lot of Elliott Smith, but I listen to all of that. My mom had the MP3 before I had it, because I had one but it broke, so she has some music on there that I would like to delete. I should take it in to a electronic shop and see if I can get shit deleted off of it. Its not Ipod its a Sansa San Disk 2.0GB.

Now touchin the sun. I was thinkin of runin, doubles back and you have to make some more. You have such patience. I want some more. Joe shows me the door. Hello I want some more. Some police are sitting in my car, spitting in eye. This world isn't waiting, its just passing me by. I got a .forty five and I'm standing in line. goodbye.


Brother Frankie said...

hey anna,
i know how you and your readers feel about the God thing that I do. but..

i still feel with all my heart that He has an awesome plan for your life.

i am at times blown away by the insights to life you honestly share. i also feel you are a talented writer. (extremely)
i can picture you running a sober house or working in a rehab, or even an outreach for kids who have lost a sibling to drugs, violence, or suicide..

you are Love
Brother Frankie

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

Girl, I've only been reading your blog for about a month (found it from another blogger I like, I think? Forgot who???) ... but I am amazed at how great your writing is when you're feeling so, so bad! I want to be there to read everything when you're feeling really good! Keep it up, no matter what! ...Also, damn, I know what those damn K-Pin w/d's and hangovers are like (opiates as well, but that's another story), and it's just goddam awful, and it's like there's just nothing to be done but to barrel thru it. That's how I always feel anyway. I don't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm pulling for you from here in Chicago; and I don't just say that bullshit, I mean it. If you are going through that kind of stuff, I am feelin for you. Just wanted to let ya know.

Sweden said...

why do these fucking christian jerks always try to pry GOD onto people, dude there is NO GOD there is NO jesus, there is no fucking mary and holy ghost, the bible was written and created by weird men, FUCK OFF bible thumper

Brother Frankie said...

jeez sweden, i have been friends with anna, SB, and most of the others round here...for a long time..

sad you are so angry with me.. i have never hit or thumped anyone with the bible..a bear bottle or a Bat is my preferred weapon of choice being from Brooklyn and being italian as well as a biker and all.. sigh
in fact, i thought my post to anna grace was pretty positive.. She is gifted..

so, right back at ya darlin..
Be Blessed
Brudda Frankie
A Biker for Christ

(ps: been reading your blog since way befor ya got the new couch or the cool indian skirt thingy.. never thumped you with the bible or verses either.. i even hang with SB on her scary jesus stuff.. LOL)