Thursday, September 30, 2010

you can try to suck me dry, just you try to hold me down.

I would get the belt, and I would cry. Daddy I didn't do anything wrong. I broke the vase thats all, please don't wipe me. Anna gets the belt.

Just because I worship a guys cock doesn't mean I like the person its hooked to. Last night I went to the bar. Mike was there, but we didn't even talk. I guess he's unable to be friends after a break up text. We were only together like a week officially. There was a band from Baraboo WI called something or other. They wanted to be Death Cab for Cutie, but the just didn't cut it. There lyrics are to fucking happy. No body wants to hear about how fucking happy you are. The bar I go to has free pizza from  four to six. I always order on and only eat the corner pieces. There ended up being a guy there who I would never date. To clean and well put together, but we got along, and he ate the rest of my pizza. Eli was his name, his friends name was Nikita. I like that name Nikita. She was super hot. She liked guys like Eli who wear expensive watches, and expensive shirts, and jeans. A guy who won't let you touch his hair because he spent an hour on it before he came to the bar. A real metro sexual.
I like guys who are messy, not well put together. Not total slobs, but just a t-shirt and jeans. wake up and go hair, in fact if the wash their hair with bar soap even better. That just means that they need a girl friend to give them shampoo.

Give me pills. If your real friends you will send me pills in the mail. Dilauded 8mgs or four mgs. Oxycontin forty or 80mgs 20mgs are okay too. Email me privately I made my bed I'll die in it. I made my bed I'll cry in it.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I've wanted to fuck you since grade school

I don't know if I told you this, but for the past month I had been in trouble at the methadone clinic and had to come in after it closed at nine forty five a.m. to dose so I wouldn't talk to much about my using past to other clients. That is until today I got my right to come in early in the morning and sit and wait with the other clients as I had for the past three or four years. My body is so used to waking up at 6am that I do so every day even on Sunday's. So this morning I was able to leave my apartment and dose at 7:30am  with everyone else. I even got to take a number and wait in line like everyone else. It felt like the old days. I only have 7 weeks left at the Methadone clinic and then I'm done.

For so many years the Methadone was the only reason I got up every morning. Suboxone is a lot weaker than Methadone and I won't feel high at all on it. Which is a good thing, its what I want, but will this pill give me a reason to wake up every morning. Before Methadone, Heroin was the reason I woke up every morning. Knowing I was going to feel like Mozart's sonata he wrote when he was 5, or was it Beethoven and was he 6? Still I felt like a great piece of music being played. I don't even know is sonata is right? I sound like an idiot. I should have chose a diffrent analogy.

The good thing about the Suboxone is if I don't like it I just have to wait four days and let the medication run out of my system, and I can get high again. Unlike the Methadone where you have to wait a long time, even then your tolerance is high. I'm speaking of us who are using the medication as it meant to be used. Not as Shane from France uses it. Which is how I'd use it if I were to get strung out again. Just to keep me from getting dope sick, not from being able to get high like it is now at the Methadone clinic. Although now that I'm only at 55mgs, I probably could feel a good shot of Heroin should I go out and buy myself a few points. Perhaps a bon vouage speedball. Listen to some Tindersticks. Again I must mention HeroinHead (Shane from France), he had introduced me to this band the Tindersticks and I absolutely love them. I am listening to them as I write right now. That and Mozart. I have it on shuffle.

Yesterday I went through and read a new blog on wordpress. she is new to the blogging world, but she is very interesting. Probably a better writer than I am and I've been doing this now for a two fucking years. She is very open and honest, I'd like to compare myself to her.

Other than that, most of my day is spent sitting outside smoking cigarettes. Letting the wind blow its breeze through my hair, and give me goose bumps on my skin. The sun kissing my face with her rays threatening to make me look older than my years, little does she know I've put sun block on when I washed my face this morning. Still her rays feel so good upon my face warm and passive. I bring my nook out with me so I can read a book, and right now I'm reading a bio of Elliott Smith. I light cigarette after cigarette and push the page turn button often. I over hear conversations of people in the parking lot, uninteresting conversation. Mostly about who should or shouldn't be parked in which parking spaces. I hear cars coming in and out of the under ground parking garage when our car is parked. After reading and smoking a while I will have had too much, and will stop. I will go back inside. Where I pull out a old notebook, and write in long hand what I want to put in my book. I write it out at the dining room table, and then I get the laptop and write it out on the zip drive where I have the book saved. I also have it saved on the computer. I feel safer with it saved on a sip drive.

My obsession with Jess has cooled. Now that he wants to use my like a used tampon I'm not that interested. I might go over there once for sex, just to see how it feels to be used for one thing by a guy that you really like. Which I'm sure is going to be awful. I don't know why I put myself through such horrible acts. The strange thing is, when I first went over to Jess' house I had meant it only to be sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a penis and a vag, then the damn guy goes and makes me like him. I'll never forgive him for that. I should say I'll never forgive myself for letting myself like him. I usually do good at removing myself emotionally from the act of sex, but with Jess I'll probably cry the whole way home. I'm such an idiot. Even more so than you know. Its not like he's perfect by any means. What I see in him I don't know, probably the fact that he's unattainable. I'm like that, the harder they are to get, the more I like them. I should say fuck them and let them fuck something they like. Let them find whatever it is they are looking for. So one last goodbye fuck to you Jess and that is it. Sorry guys I won't be posting about, this one is private. I will tell you how I felt being used though.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Heaven spills onto earth and we are here to catch it and lick it up.

Nope, I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have, but I did, because I'm lame and pathetic and all those other things every mean anymous poster wrote about me. They are all true. I did what I should have not done, and I did it like a little school girl having lots of fun. I enjoyed it, and smiled when read it, I smiled when I wrote it. I smile when I think about it.

I emailed Jess, after finishing my journal. A journal where I have a private picture of his beautiful penis. I apologized and told him I was embarrassed for acting like a phscyo. I explained that I liked him so much that I just didn't understand how other women were not hooked on the Jess juice. I told him about Mike, and how we are seeing each other despite my better judgement. How I don't like him the way I liked Jess, and after seeing the picture of his engorged cock I would be texting him a break up text, but it would wait until he was done with work.

What I failed to mention is now I have nobody to go to the bar with. Which is what happens when you let yourself say yes to something you don't really want to do. Mike and I should have just remained friends.Anyway I was not expecting a response from Jess, as he has become silent on the other end of all emails and texts.

Until this particular day. What I had said had flattered him. I had sent out the first message telling him I had started seeing someone, and he had told me that was too bad because he was just going to text me for a booty call. As that message came through I had just sent out the second message that told him I was breaking it off with Mike mainly because of him. Then I replied to the booty call message. I said, I do not want to be your booty call. I cannot separate my physical body from my emotional feelings for you. He said, Too bad. Men are useless fucking animals. I seem to have fallen for one of the worst kind.

A man who just want to use me as his blow up doll until something better comes along. I think I will see him just one time, and I will be super frigid towards him, I will have only sex with him. Leaving as soon as I'm done cumming, and not stopping to kiss him. Scream as loud as I can when I cum, and wake up him whole family where he's living.

No he'd like that too much. He's just horny and wants some pussy. For whatever reason he's not looking for it else where, so he plans on using me as some sort of sex object. I admit I had planned on using him as a sex object when we first got fucked, but then...

Roles reversed.

It is among the worst feelings in the world to know that you are just a piece of meat to the person you adore. I do know a cure to this emotional suffering, it involves a syringe, water, spoon, candle, cotton, Heroin. Then I could just say good bye to this tiresome, bothersome, man who is making my heart break each and every time I do correspond with him. He interferes with my cigarette breaks outside, when I over come with thoughts of him. Sexual in nature. Most my thoughts of him are sexual in nature.

Sticking feathers up your ass does not make you a chicken.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Its so bittersweet

My life as a Heroin addict has always been bittersweet. On Heroin I felt like my mom dropped down her umbilical nuse and let me crawl back in. Then the drug would run out of my system and I would get sick, and I would have to go out searching for the money to buy more so I could climb back in the womb. Nothing like waking up at 3am on Christmas eve and going down to steal from the first person you see walking by. I've done some of the worst things imaginable. Just for a fix that makes me real. I can do it if I want to. I can stop if I try so fucking hard my eyeballs pop out of my head.
Sometimes, like today I'll be walking down the street, trying to get the feeling just right, and someone walks right past me. I'm in my own little world, listening to my own little MP3 player with my music on it, and this other person is in their own world. We are on different paths in this life. No intersections where we stop and meet, at least not today. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea. The fact is there are plenty of "fish" in the "sea", but you have to make an effort to cross paths with them. I'm not in the mood today to cross paths with anyone. I'm not even in the mood to answer Mike's texts. I'm in the mood to get high. Live life on the razors edge.
Step one, get off Methadone. Step two, find some dope. Step three, break my parents hearts. I just can't do it to my parents again. No matter how much the fiend in me calls out I have to resist. The fiend in me wants me isolate myself, keep everyone I know, like, love, at a far distance so when I do relapse who's gonna notice. I don't need a lover when I have Heroin. Heroin is the best lover I've been with. He takes me to the brink of death and back again. I am death when I'm strung out. The only reason I exist is to get high. The reason my heart beats, the reason my lungs fill with air, the reason my muscles move, the reason the synapses in my brain fire.
I can't say much has changed being on Methadone. I wake up for my Methadone. I don't hate the Methadone, I hate the side effects. I hate the fact that it made me fat, the fact that it makes me swollen, the fact that it makes me sleepy when I want to read all day, or write. The fact that it keeps me from getting high when I try to put a spike in my hand.
I can't change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change. I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me.
So I'm always the one walking down the street alone, walking past someone else. Never saying anything. Just meeting their gaze for a second. A second they won't remember, but a second that today I remembered.  I remembered mainly because I was imagining my stomach was cut open and I was spilling out onto my knees. Imagining what it would feel like to take a breath after that. It was raining really hard, so I was able to feel the tears on my cheeks, my eyes swelled with tears. Imagining pain, sever pain.  I was on my way to the Exclusive Company record store to buy a Pixie Sweat Jacket. Then this black man passes me. He is caring a forty in a paper bag, walking fast to get where he's going. I was caring an umbrella, my purse, and smoking a cigarette. I saw him a block before he saw me. He was looking down the whole way, because of the rain. I kept going with my imaginary pain, and he kept inching closer. I could tell he was about 50, he had this sort of  jump in his step. I know everyone has seen it before. A lot of crack heads have it. Finally after inching closer and closer, we come upon each other. He looks up for just a glance, and I smile in imaginary pain with tears streaming down my face. He doesn't smile back. He's in a hurry. I can tell he wants to be somewhere and he wants to be there now. I'm happy to be out of the apartment. Walking in the rain, listening to music, playing pretend, shopping.
I figured from his eyes and lips he was going to do some crack. I could be just wishful thinking. The part of town is right. It took me right out of my pretend time, and I just wanted one hit off the pipe. Just one. Just to take me out of myself for a minute. I woke up at four am this morning. To help me stay awake today. I could think of million reasons I needed just one hit. Then I walked by a church I used to go to NA meetings on Thursdays at 7pm. Too bad it was only 2pm. I know for a fact there are no meetings at 2pm in Green bay within walking distance on Thursdays. It was just another craving. At least this drug I can get high on, and this drug I have used in the past month, actually I used Coke, powder form. Not crack. Instead of not going home and following the black guy, I stop smoke another cigarette, and then walk back home.
If I hadn't I would sat there all night long until the street sweepers went through and I'd be the only shit that's left behind.
Steve Smith if you get it and know him well enough. To the rest this makes no sense. Steve smith What? I know. Inside joke to myself.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Everyone disapears in the end

Nothing today but shopping. Got my first manicure, and Pedicure. My mother insisted. I don't like people touching me, so its never been on my top 10 list of things to do. My mom was getting one, and she asked me if I would get one, and I said sure, what do I have to loose? A toe! My mom did some big shopping today. She got herself some nice things. She deserves those nice things. I bought some stuff with the money you guys give me too. Thanks by the way. It was real nice of you to give that money to me. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I got a new lamp, a jewelry box, and vase, and a new frame for my print I bought online of one of Kardinsky's paintings.

My dad's at the bar. When we got home from my doctors appointment at the methadone clinic, which was at noon, my dad was just leaving for the bar. He walks across the bridge and down a block to his bar. Where he usually goes until 9 or 10. Sometimes he gets home early. Its annoying when he does. He's a drunken fool. At least when I come home drunk I go straight to my room and don't bother anyone in my family. If I'm ever home before they've gone to bed, which I only remember one time happening. A long time ago. Like just out of high school getting into bars underage time.

My detox from Methadone is going smoothly so far. I'm still even nodding out. I have the appointment for the start of my Suboxone made. Nov. 16th at 1:15pm. Three days without Methadone before I start the suboxone to extra safe that I don't go into instant withdrawals again. I'm terrified that instant withdrawals will set in again, so I'm doing everything double safe this time. I'm going down to 15mgs. then withdrawing for three days before.

The reason I don't disable all those anonymous commenter's is mainly because I know that everyone has an opinion. If I disabled those commenter's and only let the good people comment it just wouldn't be fair. It like only listening to one side of an opinion. I know some people hate my stupid guts. They still read the shit. Why I don't know. They will give some sad reason. Try to make me feel shitty about why they read my blog. Still I like to hear from them. With the bad come the good. I hadn't herd from the haters in while. I really set them off, and now I've accidentally deleted the two blogs about the false pregnancy in drafts. I probably got a lot of hits on those posts. Now they are out there in cyber space. They say that nothing disappears in cyberspace.

I have to go find out what time sunrise is tomorrow. Spell check.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Chokeing on the termites

Wow, what a bunch of assholes I have for commenter's. I think I could be pregnant and the assholes come out of the woodwork and tell me I should have an abortion, that I'm just trying to get that guy back. That I just want attention. For Christ sake, I was flipping out because I thought my period was a week and a half late, and the people reading this think its bullshit. Nice to know the compassion you would show me if I had been pregnant. Thank God I'm not. Me and my mom went through my birth control pills, and counted backwards, and figured out that I had been on the sugar pill for only four days. I have three to go, well now two, and I should get my period tomorrow. Which means only two days of period and I'm done. I think I'll stay on the pill because it keeps my skin clear, my periods regular, light. Since the Tramodol I'm on makes the pill ineffective I just won't tell anyone I sleep with that I'm even on the pill. They will need to use condoms, and blow their loads on my tits, and in my eye. No where near my vag. No more pregnancy scares.

As for last night, I went out and got drunk. As some anonymous person pointed out I spell Mike's long name wrong. Now I'm afraid to try an spell it. I still call him by his long name, but on here I will call him Mike. Mike works for Fed Ex, and goes to work really early in the morning, so he likes to go out early like at 5pm. Which I like too. We have the bar all to ourselves, the jukebox to ourselves, and we can talk without being interrupted. I try to help him hit on the hot bar tenders, or the hot girls that come in the bar. He refuses to help me hit on the hot guys that I like. He thinks the guys I like are weird. I told him that I'm weird, and he said he knows, but I'm a okay weird, the guys I like are a bad weird. So I told him the girls he likes are all bimbos, with too much makeup. Then he said look who's talking too much eyeliner. I said, I don't have any foundation on, and these girls must have acne gaylor because they have so much foundation on its an inch thick. If anyone sleeps at your house make sure you don't let them sleep on your white pillow cases.

In reality these girls were beautiful. They didn't need all that makeup. They were just so young, and so insecure that they felt they needed to have to have that much foundation on to make their pours smaller. All those girls needed was some mascara, some lip gloss, if they had a zit a dab of concealer, and a little blush, and however they wanted to do their eyes. I'm a big fan of doing the smoky eye, and/or liquid liner on the top lid and just mascara on my lashes.

Last night Mike brought a few friends that came along later in the night. I found out that Mike is 31 years old. In high school he was a stoner, but he quit smoking pot for his job at Fed Ex. I got along with all of them. Not all of them were guys. Two of them were girls. Lisa, and Sarah. Sarah is out of a job right now, and living with he parents, but she is only 25, so we have something in common. Lisa works at a bank, she just got a promotion and is doing loans now. The other three friends he had were boys. I don't remember all there names. I do remember Sam, He has long hair wears death metal t-shirts. Same age as Mike. Both from Pulaski. Not that far from Oconto Falls.

Mike and I started drinking hard at 5ish, and his friends didn't get there until after 7pm, so we had a good head start on them. By 10 me and Mike were hammered. I had to walk home a few blocks, and Mike like an idiot had to drive. His friends and I told him to get a cab, but he was an idiot and drove. He likes over by me, but he drove there, he could have walked with me, but he kept saying men don't walk home from the bar. Idiotic shit. He made it home fine, he texted me this morning when I had to get up at six and he had to get up at like four am. I don't know how he does it. Its nice to have someone new to text. I can't wait for his text like I couldn't wait for Jess' texts. He's super funny. Still I'm not sexually attracted to him. Just friends.

Lately its been in the lower 60's here in Wisconsin, but this morning I wake up at 6am with a hangover, and I go out onto the porch to smoke a cigarette and to my surprise its 80 degrees out. Our A/C was already was on. I had to get up early because I had to go to the clinic early this morning because I had a Physc. Doctor's appointment at 9:15am. I went to the Dr. appointment, and I told him all about my pregnancy scare, about breaking up with Jess, we talked about everything, then we made the date for me start Suboxone. This time before I start Suboxone I go three days without any Methadone before I start the Suboxone. So I'm in full blown withdrawals when I start.

I also got my Clonazepam taken down a bit. Instead of 1mg three times a day, it is a half a mg twice a day, and one mg at night.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Do what you want to whenever you want, it doesn't mean a thing, big nothing.

As of late, I've been checking out the bars on the street we live on. There is about ten bars within close walking distance from my apartment. Most of them are college bars, and on Fridays and Saturday's around here these bars and clubs are packed. So I like to go on week days when its just the locals. No cover bands. I fucking hate cover bands. I support local music, but local original music, not local cover bands. I've found one bar that I like especially, called Ned and Kelly's. Its about two blocks down the road maybe a block and a half. The have a crowd that I can get along with, and they don't have have cover bands. I know better than to play Elliott Smith on the Jukebox anywhere I go, because people will get sad and bored and leave. Unless you've got a crowed of Elliott Smith Fans. Which I did have the luck to run into on Thursday afternoon. There was only four of us in the bar drinking, and I figured who cares if these people leave if I play Elliott Smith songs, and turns out three of the four people in the bar four including myself, only on old guy didn't get onto the Elliott Smith bandwagon. We each played a full album, and then the sun went down and people came into the bar and our Elliott Smith play time was over.
I met a guy named Michale, and he is cute, funny, and drinks way too much. I'm not sure how old he is. I know he is not younger than me because he graduated college, and has been in the work force for over 8 years now. So I assume he's in his 30's. I'm not sexually attracted to him at all, and I doubt he is attracted to me at all. He calls though when he wants someone to go out with. He wants me to call him Mike, but I refuse and call him Michale. So far he still calls to go our and hanging out and getting drunk. Actually he's only called twice. He's texted a lot. Tonight is Saturday, and told him that I don't like to go out when its really packed down here, he says you don't have to talk to anyone but me.

I'm also getting my hair straightened. Not chemically, its not going to be permanent, it will only last 6 months, and my waves and curls will come back gradually. I've always wanted straight hair like my sisters.

Oh yeah, how long after you missed your period do you have to wait to take a pregnancy test? Because I'm on birth control, and my doctor told me I'm on a medication the makes my birth control null and void. Still me and Jess used condoms. So the chances that I'm knocked up and slim. But I should have gotten my period by now, and its late. I pray to god it comes soon. If it doesn't that is going to be one awkward conversation. Do I text him and tell him, or do I call him and tell him? Pray for me and the potential fetus that I'm not knocked up. I'm just not ready for a baby. Being a girl sucks sometimes.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Pale Blue eyes, said sweet Jane

Got some news about what happened to Jess' brother and his brother's girlfriend after he broke up with me. Rory moved out and in with a new girl, Natalie got her heart broken too, and even worse than I did. She is still living in Rory's dad's house with Jess. She's seeing someone. I think now that she's not with Rory, and I'm not with Jess, it would be fun to go out with her to the bar in Oshkosh. I like this one bar call the Lizard lounge. Go out me the fat one, her the skinny one, and just get shit faced. Hopefully I can not have to see Jess. I think he thinks I'm trying to get back with him. The furthest thing from my mind is getting back with him. I'm over him now.

All these things are interesting to me, but to you, well you could probably care less. I say that I'm over Jess, but really in the back of my head I'm thinking I can go out with Natalie in Oshkosh, and since she still lives with Jess, I would have to stay over at Jess' house and then would get to see him. It would be awkward, and I wouldn't know what to say to him. I would defiantly make it seem like I was totally over him. I might even try to avoid him , and just try to pop my head in and just look at him for a second. Not even let him know I was there.

If Jess were to ask me to have sex I'd say yes, but if he were to ask me to be in a relationship I say hell no. Even if he asked me if it could back to how it was I would say no. I got to emotionally involved and he didn't. I got hurt he didn't. To get him to text me back, I had to make it clear I was not texting him in order to get him back. Which is true. I was just curious as to what happened between Natalie and Rory.

I just plugged in my MP3 player and nothing is coming up. It went dead, and the battery wasn't even all the way dead. Bullocks, I hope this one didn't take a shit on me. I paid 90 dollars for it. I didn't get insurance on it, so I can't send it back for a new one. I think they come with a year warranty that nothing will go wrong with them directly from the factory. So I can send it back and get a new if this one is defective. This one is hard to use, its a touch pad, and it never does what I want it to do when I touch its pad.

But, I'm going to go, and work on my Mp3 player, and spell check this blog. Now that I told the truth of how I feel. God, I would be mortified if Jesse read this blog. Thank God he never took an interest in my blog even when we were together, and my blogs were all about him. I still thing its weird that he never cared to read what I wrote about him.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Your a slave to money then you die.

Today is not unlike every other fucking other day I have. Get up go to the clinic, wonder around, walk the dog, smoke outside a lot more than I should. Haven't been watching T.V. lately. Ever since we went that week without T.V. its been hard to get back into the groove of watching T.V. plus no cigarettes while watching T.V. is a bit off putting. So is blogging. That is why I'm blogging outside today. Listening to my MP3 player. Thinking of downloading some tunes when I'm done blogging about thinking about doing it.

I remember when the clouds would bring with them the lifting of my spirits, and the rain that came from the clouds would spit at me and I would revel in that spit like it was made just for me. Now a cloudy day comes and its just like a sunny day. I may even prefer a sunny day to a rainy one. Who have I become? I do love the fall, and the cooler weather, the leaves on the trees turning colors, the days growing shorter and shorter. I love the smell of fall weather. Something like crisp dirt, dying leaves, suicide, bear shit, opening and old book, cutting down an old tree, baby's breath, dying grass, burning leaves, a millions different women's perfume on the wind, is what fall smells like to me. To endure another fall single, and lonely is going to be hellish. What am I going to do when I get off the Methadone completely and my libido comes back full force? Go out to the bar and pick up some guy and say bring me back to your place for an hour or two so we can screw? We can't go back to my place because I live with my parents. Shudder. Well how old are you? Almost 28 years old. Where do you work? I don't, I get SSI because I'm Bi Polar? What is that scare on your arm in your elbow? Oh that, well I used to use Heroin, and now I have Hep C. so we can't have anal sex, and if my blood touches yours you could get liver cancer in ten to fifteen years.

I guess my days of picking up men at the bar are over. Now I have to tell them I have Hep C. Its always so awkward to. Its like, Dude, I've got Hep. C. Most don't know how its contracted, so I have to explain. Its blood to blood contact. If I cough on you your not going to catch it. We just need to use a condom, and not have anal sex. Since I'm lactating you can't have any of my precious milk for my invisible child. I'm lactating because of this medication I'm on. So If I squeeze my boobs with both hands I can squirt milk out of them. I can get like a quarter cup...out of both boobs.

Now that you know that, you know everything. I'm suppose to go get the laundry out of the dryer, because a family friend who was a nurse, and an addict got caught using at work, and taking pills from work, and she killed herself because she felt like such a loser. She was hooked, and couldn't get dope anywhere else, she was embarrassed about what she had done. My mom is going with my aunt Debbie to the wake, and I have to get the laundry out of the dryer. Nobody told me how she killed herself. Did she save up a bunch of pills, and do it that way. Why is it more shame full to steal pills than it is to go have a drink after work every night. Sure its illegal, but its escaping reality for a little while. We all have our vices. I'm not going because I didn't know her at all. She was my aunt Debbie's friends daughter.

I have to roll some smokes, sulk around. Get the clothes out of the dryer. Be an apathetic loser, and spell check this post.

Be posting new post after I get back from clinic.

I promise a new post today. Just haven't felt like blogging lately. Nothing new to talk about. There has been millions of times I haven't had anything to write about, but I still blogged. I just don't know what is wrong with me. My blog is still going to suck, but what's new there. I like the new status option where you can see how many people read your blog. Where, when, which country. Its great.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Miss Misery

This morning was beautiful. I woke up at 6:30am, I was still tired so I layed on the couch and slept while my dad watched Imus in the morning and drank coffee. Around 8am I woke up brush my teeth, hair, and got dressed. My cousin Amanda popped by for morning coffee, and conversation. Yelled at me for advertising my blog on Facebook. They thing my blog is the most vile thing about me. Not the things that I do, but the things I say. Weird, I think. We visited a pleasant visit for about an hour, and I had to leave to go to the clinic. I now have to be at the clinic at 9:50am after everyone else has dosed, so I can't talk to anyone. All because I asked out a hot 19 year old boy. When I left for the clinic, my cousin Amanda left. Such a sweetheart my cousin is. A hard worker, a smart person. Would give you the clothes off her back if you needed them. she is just that kind.

I took the elevator down with her, I went down to garage and she got off on the lobby floor. I got in the jeep, and pulled out of the garage, I love our new garage door opener. pushing buttons is a lot of fun for me still. When I was out of the garage I realized I didn't have my cigarettes. Since I've moved into an apartment that you can't actually smoke in, I've cut down from a two pack a day habit to a half a pack a day habit. Not even really noticing the difference. On my way to the clinic I got caught up in road construction. So I didn't get to notice the beauty of day around me. When I got to the clinic I went in and there were still a few people there, so I sat still and quiet as a mouse. I waited my turn and dosed, I was suppose to have an appointment with my drug councilor today, but she was feeling ill, so she cancelled. I was happy, I went to my car. Got in and it was just the perfect temp. from sitting in the sun. A little warm with a sweat jacket on. It was a cool morning. It feels like fall here in Wisconsin. An early fall ever since September 3rd. When I wake up its in the upper upper 30s. So its just above freezing. This morning it was in the 50's. Still cool, but not cold.

On my drive home I rolled down the two front windows halfway, and I didn't have any smokes to stink up the crisp fall air with, so I was taking lung full after lung full of this most fragrant smelling fall air. Then this moment came, and the song, Karma Police was playing the song by Radiohead, and the sun was not too high in the sky so it still looked like morning, and it smelled perfect and I felt like I belonged there. Like in that moment I was right where I was suppose to be.

Then It all shattered, because I am me. I hate me. I am a loser. I'm no big star, I have mood swings, and a guy I really liked broke up with me, and I live with my parents, I take a handful of pills. I'm fat, and I can't wait to get off the Methadone to see if it helps me loose any of the weight. I think God is playing chess with humans, and we are just the pawns. At least I know I'm just some pawn. Definitely not a knight, or a queen or king.

When I got home, there was a box waiting for me at the door of our apartment. Inside was my new MP3 player. So I've been downloading as many songs as I can from my library. Then I tried to find a way to put the songs that say subscription and that you have to download them again on there without paying for them twice. I hate wasting money, but who doesn't. I use Rhapsody not Itunes. I don't know Itunes works, so if its better then paint the walls with my blood.

I must say, I love living in the city compared to living in the backwoods. The only thing is I have to take Eleanor outside on a leash. I can't just let her roam like she got to before. Especially downtown because everything is right at my fingertips. I can walk to where ever I have to go except the Methadone clinic of course. You'd think the clinic would be down here, but nope its by the Green Bay Packer Stadium. LOL!

I have to do laundry today. My underwear are all dirty, and if I didn't do my laundry today and were to wear my undies inside out my vag would start to stink up. BTW, when I went to get checked out after I started having sex again after two years, it turned out I had a yeast infection. I didn't have any signs or symptoms. Now after the doctor gave me a pill that cleared it up in a day, I have been having burning when I pee. No itching, no discharge, no smells. Just a burn while pissing. I hope its not a UTI again. When I was little I got those a lot. The doctor told my mom it was because I wiped the wrong way. Instead of front to back I went back to front. I can say that I go front to back now doc, so why is it burning when I pee. Don't even say it, I know what you gonna say, and no he didn't have anything like that. Of course I'm going to the doctor for the burning pee, so that means I'll get checked again, but I know it wasn't him. He was very faithful to his wife, and we used condoms. No matter how much he broke my heart, I not gonna man bash him on here. I'm just not into bashing people on my blog or in real life. Not cool.

I gotta go and download some more music onto my new MP3. Some Queens of the Stone age first album self titled, and Eagles of Death Metal. Not at all death metal, garage rock revival. So here goes spell check.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

So new, so you, so what.

I'm back online baby. After a week offline, with no TV, and only blackberry and a radio for outside communication I can finally blog without hurting my fingers, and see what they are talking about on that box with a voodoo screen. My MP3 player was stolen by Two fucking assholes and a Truck, so I ordered another one which should be in the mail in few days if its not on back order. Cross my fingers! Hopefully I can download most of what was on my MP3 from my music library, then what I can't I'll have to re down load.

Today I called Geek Squad and had them access my computer remotely and clear out all the flippin virus. I paid 150 bucks, which my parents have to pay me back. It was worth it, I can close windows after I open them without shutting down the entire computer. We got Time Warner Cable, and Time Warner Broadband wireless Internet. I didn't realize that it was going to be broadband. If I had known it was broadband I would have just gotten AT&T wireless where its really wireless, so I can use it in the airport when i really need it. I guess for now I'll have to use my phone.

Since I've last posted, Jess told me that via text message that he doesn't want to be with me. He says my drug usage is a problem, and caused his family problems. Also he doesn't want to do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. So when he finally said it, when it was finally done I cried. This was the first time any one had ever broken up with me. I was always the one breaking up with the other person. This way sucks. I really liked this guy. Had I been skinner, never gotten hooked on drugs he might have liked me. You know what I wanted most when he broke up with me? A big shot of Heroin. I just wanted the harshness of those emotions to go away, I wanted to erase him from my memory, erase all those thoughts of what did I do wrong. Of course I'm still on 55mgs of Methadone and no Heroin to use, so instead I upped my intake of Clonazepam.

So lately I've been going to bed early, as soon as I have nothing to do. I take a nice dosage of my pills, pick up a book, wait for the pills to work their way thru my system until I fall asleep. Otherwise, in spite of how much I hate myself for telling you this, I would think about what I did wrong, like when did the drugs become a problem? Was having sex in his brothers room too much for him? Was it too much when I made up the story that I peed on him when he peed on me and begged me not to tell anyone. I had to tell the story and the only way he would let me tell it is if I peed on him. I was so insistent that he let me write that blog. Yes, its true, I lied. He peed on me,

I was just happened to wake up right before he started to pee. I felt him peeing and I sat there thinking, okay Anna, what should you do. The pee started to get cold. I tried to wake up Jess, but he wouldn't wake up. So I get up and put on a t-shirt, and get ready to go to the bathroom. When I go out to the hallway, I meet up with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. They have me come into their room. I get some pants on, and go with them, and they get me stoned, where I first off tell them that Jess pissed on me, then I tell them another secret that I knew they knew, but forgot they told me a while back. They aren't suppose to know this secret either. I can't share this about him on the Internet. I'm not that mean.

When Jess wakes up in the morning he begs me not to tell his brother or his girlfriend. I was like too bad, I already did, but I won't tell anyone else. Then I beg him to tell the story on the Internet. That had to be embarrassing.

I smell fruit punch. yummy. Finally it feels like home here now that we have TV. I did something I probably should have not. I texted Jess today. I wanted to text his brother's girlfriend Nat, but no reply. Of course. Today is his day off, so if she were around today would have been a day I could have talked to her. I hope he doesn't think I'm trying to talk to him. I get it, he doesn't like me. I can't force someone to like me.

Burning the Koran, people are just idiots. They are just books, don't do such negative things expecting positive things to come from it. Bible thumpers...useless.

Today, seven years going on eight years we gave away most of Angie(my sister who passed away) clothes to Goodwill. There was so many tote boxes that we kept her stuff in, that we lugged around from place to place. I took some clothes that I felt I would want, my parents took some stuff they they would want.

Gotta go, and spell check this. Nodding out.

Friday, September 3, 2010

So I'm a total fucking loser

So last night guess who texted me? Yep, that guy. Just for updates on his family problems, and I texted him first. I had found his number in my purse and couldn't resist texting him and finding out what happened between his brother and his brother's girlfriend. I even called the jail in Oshkosh to see if his brother who hasn't been seen since last Wednesday was in jail. He wasn't. I had thought his gf was suppose to come back Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, but I guess she was suppose to come home last night. I texed him to tell his brothers gf that I'm sooooo sorry for giving them both Valiums, and for not ripping that Oxy our of that guys brother's hand and giving it to that guy right away. I feel like I could have kept his brother from going on this binge if I would have just never came over that day. I believe that guy feels the same way. He blames me for his brothers binge, and his brothers gf"s brother dieing.

Old news. I won't be texting him again. No matter how much I still like him. Not to be mean, but screw him. He got a lot more problems a lot bigger than I am right now. Like where the hell his brother is at, and what is going on between his brother and his gf, does this mean he gets to fuck his brothers girlfriends. He's been wanting to pound on that shit for a while now.

Today I embarked on a publishing deal for I Hate Myself and Want to Die. Taffored Publishing, 20% royalties on the paper books sold, and 50% royalties on all e books sold over the Internet. Today I am officially a working paid writer. I'm also told to work on my second book, another loosely based fiction novel about middle school as a girl going through puberty. No its not a Judy Blume book. I'm not sure what my target audience is going to be? This book is taking me twice as long as it took me to write I Hate Myself and Want to Die. Oh well, no one gave me a dead line per say.

I keep nodding out down here in the public room where they have free Wi Fi until we get ours on the 8th. I have something else I have to do that day. I fucking forget. I have to send out Jess' birthday gift two days on the 7th, and then on the 8th I have to do two things.

Oh yeah, in the move I lost my MP3 player. I keep hoping that it will show up in the bottom of a box, but there is fewer and fewer boxes now, and my hopes are dwindling. Maybe I'll get a IPOD this time?

Sorry so short again. I even have the big laptop out. I can't complain about my fingers hurting from the small key pad on my blackberry. I'm just tired.

n he gets to fuck his brothers gf.

wednesday, but nope swhe wasn't

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Well, slept in new place last night. Drug induced sleep, the kind I said I'd never do again. I took like four Clonazepam's. Like I wasn't tired enough from the moving stress. Then this morning I wake up and feel groggier than all hell. I'm in trouble for hitting on a 19 year old kid so now I come in at 9:45am 15 mins after the clinic closes to get my dose. When I do get my dose the Clonnies are still in effect somewhat. I'm just thankful I on my had to drive across town and not back to Oconto Falls. Its 5ish and I still can't kick the drowsiness, no matter how much Adderal I take. I only took one over my dose of two pills. Gotta go typing one blackberry,fingers hurt. Will type more when I can, and when its not all about that guy.

You would have hit on that 19 year old too no matter what, he is so sexy its roxy.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I'm sitting here in the garage watching Two Men And A Truck pack and load all of our shit onto a truck. Flys are landing on me like I'm a fresh piece of shit. I'm writing this post from my phone because the laptop is packed up and I the back of huge truck. My dad thinks they will be done moving us in an hour or two, but I know they won't be done until least four o'clock. So my dad is sure they will be done by two O' clock. He's in a pissy mood because we aren't going to make his totally unrealistic deadline of noon.

I can confidently say I'm over that guy. No more tears, hardly any thoughts except for right now because I'm writing about him. I've thought about what I'm going to do with his birthday gift, and I'm going to send to him in the mail with a bday card. I'm just going to say it was meant for you, no hard feelings. I think that's the grown up thing to do. Maybe I'll apologize for spamming with text and emails the first two days he broke up with me, but didn't tell me and then the two days after he told me that we were no longer in a fuckship.

There is this guy who I met when I went out with Meghan, he begged me for my phone number. His name was Craig and he was this really cute 25 year old guy. He looked like Buddy Holly with those horned rimmed glasses and his pants were really tight and so was his Weezer sweatshirt. I'm sure he was trying to be River the lead singer from Weezer, and I accused him of that. I did end up giving him phone number and he called the next day, but I told him I was seeing someone. He called me four more times after that and I didn't pick up, and he left really funny messages. He had called just three days before that guy broke off the fuckship. Now that I know there is no chance of getting back together with that guy, I can call Craig and see if he's still interested. This time I'm not fucking him right away, who knows I might fall for this guy too. I don't want to be rode and put away wet like I was with that guy. Which I can only blame myself for. I went over to his house the first expecting sex, not to really like him. Not gonna make that mistake twice.

This all my fingers can muster for now, I'll blog later on the wi fi in the lounge at our complex.