Friday, September 10, 2010

Miss Misery

This morning was beautiful. I woke up at 6:30am, I was still tired so I layed on the couch and slept while my dad watched Imus in the morning and drank coffee. Around 8am I woke up brush my teeth, hair, and got dressed. My cousin Amanda popped by for morning coffee, and conversation. Yelled at me for advertising my blog on Facebook. They thing my blog is the most vile thing about me. Not the things that I do, but the things I say. Weird, I think. We visited a pleasant visit for about an hour, and I had to leave to go to the clinic. I now have to be at the clinic at 9:50am after everyone else has dosed, so I can't talk to anyone. All because I asked out a hot 19 year old boy. When I left for the clinic, my cousin Amanda left. Such a sweetheart my cousin is. A hard worker, a smart person. Would give you the clothes off her back if you needed them. she is just that kind.

I took the elevator down with her, I went down to garage and she got off on the lobby floor. I got in the jeep, and pulled out of the garage, I love our new garage door opener. pushing buttons is a lot of fun for me still. When I was out of the garage I realized I didn't have my cigarettes. Since I've moved into an apartment that you can't actually smoke in, I've cut down from a two pack a day habit to a half a pack a day habit. Not even really noticing the difference. On my way to the clinic I got caught up in road construction. So I didn't get to notice the beauty of day around me. When I got to the clinic I went in and there were still a few people there, so I sat still and quiet as a mouse. I waited my turn and dosed, I was suppose to have an appointment with my drug councilor today, but she was feeling ill, so she cancelled. I was happy, I went to my car. Got in and it was just the perfect temp. from sitting in the sun. A little warm with a sweat jacket on. It was a cool morning. It feels like fall here in Wisconsin. An early fall ever since September 3rd. When I wake up its in the upper upper 30s. So its just above freezing. This morning it was in the 50's. Still cool, but not cold.

On my drive home I rolled down the two front windows halfway, and I didn't have any smokes to stink up the crisp fall air with, so I was taking lung full after lung full of this most fragrant smelling fall air. Then this moment came, and the song, Karma Police was playing the song by Radiohead, and the sun was not too high in the sky so it still looked like morning, and it smelled perfect and I felt like I belonged there. Like in that moment I was right where I was suppose to be.

Then It all shattered, because I am me. I hate me. I am a loser. I'm no big star, I have mood swings, and a guy I really liked broke up with me, and I live with my parents, I take a handful of pills. I'm fat, and I can't wait to get off the Methadone to see if it helps me loose any of the weight. I think God is playing chess with humans, and we are just the pawns. At least I know I'm just some pawn. Definitely not a knight, or a queen or king.

When I got home, there was a box waiting for me at the door of our apartment. Inside was my new MP3 player. So I've been downloading as many songs as I can from my library. Then I tried to find a way to put the songs that say subscription and that you have to download them again on there without paying for them twice. I hate wasting money, but who doesn't. I use Rhapsody not Itunes. I don't know Itunes works, so if its better then paint the walls with my blood.

I must say, I love living in the city compared to living in the backwoods. The only thing is I have to take Eleanor outside on a leash. I can't just let her roam like she got to before. Especially downtown because everything is right at my fingertips. I can walk to where ever I have to go except the Methadone clinic of course. You'd think the clinic would be down here, but nope its by the Green Bay Packer Stadium. LOL!

I have to do laundry today. My underwear are all dirty, and if I didn't do my laundry today and were to wear my undies inside out my vag would start to stink up. BTW, when I went to get checked out after I started having sex again after two years, it turned out I had a yeast infection. I didn't have any signs or symptoms. Now after the doctor gave me a pill that cleared it up in a day, I have been having burning when I pee. No itching, no discharge, no smells. Just a burn while pissing. I hope its not a UTI again. When I was little I got those a lot. The doctor told my mom it was because I wiped the wrong way. Instead of front to back I went back to front. I can say that I go front to back now doc, so why is it burning when I pee. Don't even say it, I know what you gonna say, and no he didn't have anything like that. Of course I'm going to the doctor for the burning pee, so that means I'll get checked again, but I know it wasn't him. He was very faithful to his wife, and we used condoms. No matter how much he broke my heart, I not gonna man bash him on here. I'm just not into bashing people on my blog or in real life. Not cool.

I gotta go and download some more music onto my new MP3. Some Queens of the Stone age first album self titled, and Eagles of Death Metal. Not at all death metal, garage rock revival. So here goes spell check.


Anonymous said...

Catch me up, I been in da pshyc ward (castle 3rd fl) clean & serene. 808-253-9009 new #.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hi, love. Great to hear news of you. I'll bet it's exciting living in the city. I lived in New York for a time.

Glad your MP3 player came. I am expecting an iPod Shuffle today in the mail. I bought it for jogging because it's so tiny and clips on.

Love you, Anna. Have a great week.